Jokers: Jokes About Things: New Technology/Computer Humour

New Technology!

If you introduce your wife as “[email protected]”.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you want a 24X CDROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the o­nly jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place. 
If you look forward to Christmas o­nly to put together the kids’ toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car.
If you use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. 
If at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the o­ne to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. 
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies. 
If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry o­n a o­ne-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run. 
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment – and you do. 
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna o­n the radio in your work area for better reception. 
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
If you own o­ne or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually o­nly good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is.”
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don’t remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn o­n the TV.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it. 
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already. 
If you have ever owned a calculator with no ” = ” key and know what “RPN” stands for.
If your father sat two inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal. 
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends o­n the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
If you spend more o­n your home computer than your car.
If you know what “http” stands for.
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.

submitted by Amber Floyd

Haiku for Error messages

New Technology!

On the first hole of the golf course, o­ne of the golfers starts fiddling with his ear. Noticing his friends looking at him rather puzzled, he explains that he is so important to his company that he must be accessible to them at all times. To this end, his company had installed a tiny mobile phone in his earhole. His golf partners shrugged, thought
to themselves OK and carried o­n with the round.

A couple of holes later, another of the golfers is seen by his partners picking at his teeth. When asked why he was doing this, he explained that like the other chap, he needed to be in constant touch with his office and so he had had a device installed in his mouth. Fine thought the others and they proceeded to play golf and discuss business.

Further o­n, the last of the three golfing buddies runs off into some bushes and disappears from view. Having not reappeared after a few minutes, his friends went to find out what had happened. They found him in the bushes squatting down with his trousers round his ankles and a strained expression o­n his face!

The man in the bushes looked up at his friends and apologised explaining that he was having trouble receiving the fax he was expecting!!

submitted by Mark Elliott

Instructions For Microsoft’s New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

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