Jokers: Situation Humour: Battle of the Sexes

Battle of the Sexes

If men & women swapped genitals!

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded o­n video.
2. Sit o­n the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too….
And, the NUMBER o­nE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be o­n the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes
two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER o­nE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis..
1. Repeat number 9. .

Submitted by Glen

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected o­n that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

THE PERFECT DAY – HIM

6:45 Alarm. 

7:00- 7:30 Shower and massage. 

7:30- 7:45 Blowjob. 

7:45- 8:15 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 

8:30 Butler Aviation, Washington  National, Lear Jet to Augusta. 

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 

11:30-12:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30-12:45 Blowjob. 

12:45- 2:30 Back nine holes, Augusta  National Golf Club. 

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 

3:30- 6:15 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless).  Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers,  six Heinekens, nap. 

6:15- 6:30 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 

7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 

8:00- 9:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 

9:00-10:30 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet Mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum), creme brule, Louis    XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 

10:30-11:30 Sex with three women   (at the same time) 

11:30-12:00 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. 

Midnight Sleep

THE PERFECT DAY – HER

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter o­n the scale 

9:30 Light Breakfast 

11:00 Sunbathe 

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 

1:45 Shopping  

2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30 lbs  

3:00 Facial, massage, nap  

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms  

Submitted by:  Barry Dorrans

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 2, o­ne to screw it in, o­ne to give me a blowjob
Woman: “I’m looking for a man with 12 inches.”
Man: “look lady I don’t fold it in half for anybody.”
Q. How do you get a woman off during sex?
A. You push her!!!
What can ‘Lifesavers’ do that men can’t?
Come in eight flavors.
Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The judge asks Mickey: “Now let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie because she’s really silly??”. Mickey replies, “No your honor, she’s Fucking Goofy.”
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Thanksgiving turkey to be placed o­n her upper right thigh. The man giving her the tattoo thinks it’s a little strange, but doesn’t think much of it. After all, he has done stranger before. After it is done, she pays him and walks out the door.

Two weeks later she comes back in the parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree to be placed o­n her upper left thigh. The guy thinks this is very weird and asks “Why do you want these tattoo’s?” She replies “It’s a very simple answer- my husband is always complaining about having nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas…now he does.”

Q Why can’t Barbie have babies?
A Because Ken comes in a different box!
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo o­ne day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says,
“Mummy, what is that long thing?”
His mother replies, “That son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That son is the tail.”
“No, mummy, the thing under the elephant”
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies,
“Thats nothing.”

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
“Daddy, what is that long thing?”
“That’s the trunk, son” replies the father.
“No at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no daddy, the thing below,” asks the son in desperation.
“That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?”
“Well mummy said it was nothing,” says the boy.

Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …”

Lords Prayer For Him

Our beer, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting, And deliver us from
  alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter, the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
  BARMEN

Lords Prayer for Her

Our Marks, Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch, Thy Kookai bag,
In Hermes, As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold, And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card And lead us not into Dorothy
Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop, For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX

MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVOURITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “tongue”
25 “breakfast”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive.”
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “Burger King”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”
FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark, handsome, money and brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college room-mate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbie
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed bo and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17  Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the check – back to my place”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 sex in the company jet o­n the way to Vegas.
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Submitted by GLEN

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Submitted by John Sanders

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s o­n the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

Submitted by John Sanders

At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up: “At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not o­nly his own washing but my washing as well.”

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

Wife Puns
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : ” Wife wanted”. Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of o­ne thing: either the car is new or the wife.

It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are o­n the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

“Darling,” whispered a frail little husband from his chair.” I’m very sick, would you please call me a vet?”.
“A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a doctor?” The husband replied.
“Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow.”

 

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