Jokers: Situation Humour: Battle of the Sexes
Battle of the Sexes
| If men & women swapped genitals!
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. Submitted by Glen |
| A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.” Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.” |
| THE PERFECT DAY – HIM
6:45 Alarm. 7:00- 7:30 Shower and massage. 7:30- 7:45 Blowjob. 7:45- 8:15 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, Washington National, Lear Jet to Augusta. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30-12:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30-12:45 Blowjob. 12:45- 2:30 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30- 6:15 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15- 6:30 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00- 9:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00-10:30 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet Mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum), creme brule, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30-11:30 Sex with three women (at the same time) 11:30-12:00 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Sleep THE PERFECT DAY – HER 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms Submitted by: Barry Dorrans |
| How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 2, one to screw it in, one to give me a blowjob |
| Woman: “I’m looking for a man with 12 inches.” Man: “look lady I don’t fold it in half for anybody.” |
| Q. How do you get a woman off during sex? A. You push her!!! |
| What can ‘Lifesavers’ do that men can’t? Come in eight flavors. |
| Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The judge asks Mickey: “Now let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie because she’s really silly??”. Mickey replies, “No your honor, she’s Fucking Goofy.” |
| A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Thanksgiving turkey to be placed on her upper right thigh. The man giving her the tattoo thinks it’s a little strange, but doesn’t think much of it. After all, he has done stranger before. After it is done, she pays him and walks out the door.
Two weeks later she comes back in the parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree to be placed on her upper left thigh. The guy thinks this is very weird and asks “Why do you want these tattoo’s?” She replies “It’s a very simple answer- my husband is always complaining about having nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas…now he does.” |
| Q Why can’t Barbie have babies? A Because Ken comes in a different box! |
| Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That son, is the elephant’s trunk.” “No, at the other end.” “That son is the tail.” “No, mummy, the thing under the elephant” A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, “Thats nothing.” The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …” |
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Submitted by GLEN |
| Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Submitted by John Sanders |
| The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”
Submitted by John Sanders |
| At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up: “At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.” The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Ireland stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.” |
| Wife Puns Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : ” Wife wanted”. Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married. “Darling,” whispered a frail little husband from his chair.” I’m very sick, would you please call me a vet?”. |
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