Jokers: Situation Humour: Workplace Jokes
Jokes about Work
The Safe FAX FAQ!
Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
You might work in the Telecom industry if:
USEFUL DESCRIPTIONS OF PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH DAY TO DAY
Submitted by Glen
Actual Quotes from Managers
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
“What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”
“How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?”
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
“Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.”
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
Due to the current financial situation and probable mergers, the management have decided to implement a scheme to put ALL workers over 30 years of age on EARLY RETIREMENT. This scheme will be known as RAPE, (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL EARLY).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme, (SPECIAL HELP AFTER RETIREMENT).
The situation of people who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme, (SCHEME FOR RETIRED EARLY WORKERS).
A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management deem appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS, (ADDITIONAL INCOME FOR DEPENDANTS OR SPOUSE). These persons may also get HERPES, (HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL – EARLY SEVERANCE). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be RAPED, SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.
However, persons staying on will receive as much SHIT, (SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING) as possible. The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it can give it’s workers.
Three guys are in the final stages of interviewing for a position with the CIA.
Q What is black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?
Excuses for Missing Work
From the Washington Post — A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
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