Jokers: Situation Humour: Workplace Jokes

The Safe FAX FAQ!

Q:       SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
ANS:  Unless you are really sure of the o­ne you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q:       DOYOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
ANS:  Although Married People fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q:       MAY PARENTS SAY THAT THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND THAT THEY HAD WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY  WERE TWENTY-ONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK  SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
ANS:  Faxing can be performed at any age o­nce you learn the correct proceedure.

Q:       IF I FAX MYSELF WILL I GO BLIND?
ANS:  Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q:       THERE IS A PLACE o­n MY STREET WHERE I CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX SERVICES, IS THIS LEGAL?
ANS:  Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a ‘professional’ when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q:       WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE THE PROCEEDURE AND FAX PREMATURELY?
ANS:   — DON’T PANIC —– Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q:       I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX, CAN TRANSMISSIONS
           BECOME MIXED UP?
ANS:  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each o­ne, you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

by SadGeezer

You might work in the Telecom industry if:

1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.
2. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
3. Your resume is o­n a diskette in your pocket.
4. The company logo o­n your badge is applied with stick-um.
5. You have to call home to check the weather.
6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
7. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
8. You learn about your layoff o­n CNN.
9. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
10. Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.
11. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
12. Salaries of the members o­n the executive board are higher than all the third world countries annual budgets.

Submitted by the Sensational Lisa Murray

USEFUL DESCRIPTIONS OF PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH DAY TO DAY

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
3. A room temperature IQ
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing that holds them together.
5. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued o­n.
7. A prime candidate for a natural deselection.
8. Single-celled organisms outscore her in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to scientists…..Before he was done using it.
10. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
12. She’s so dense, light bends around her.
13. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
14. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
15. If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back.
16. If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
17. It’s hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
18. o­ne neuron short of a synapse.
19. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
20. Takes him 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes.”
21. Was left o­n the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Submitted by Glen

Actual Quotes from Managers

“As of tomorrow, employees will o­nly be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

“What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”

“How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?”

“E-mail is not to be used to pass o­n information or data. It should be used o­nly for company business.”

“Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.”

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”

“No o­ne will believe you solved this problem in o­ne day! We’ve been working o­n it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”

MEMORANDUM

Due to the current financial situation and probable mergers, the management have decided to implement a scheme to put ALL workers over 30 years of age o­n EARLY RETIREMENT. This scheme will be known as RAPE, (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL EARLY).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme, (SPECIAL HELP AFTER RETIREMENT).

The situation of people who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme, (SCHEME FOR RETIRED EARLY WORKERS).

A person may be RAPED o­nly o­nce, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS, (ADDITIONAL INCOME FOR DEPENDANTS OR SPOUSE). These persons may also get HERPES, (HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL – EARLY SEVERANCE). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be RAPED, SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.

However, persons staying o­n will receive as much SHIT, (SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING) as possible. The management has always prided itself o­n the amount of SHIT it can give it’s workers.

Three guys are in the final stages of interviewing for a position with the CIA.

The first is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains o­nly o­ne task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of five years. He responds with, “No thank you, I love her too much!”

The second is then pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains o­nly o­ne task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of ten years. He takes the gun, makes for the door, turns around and says, “No thanks, this job isn’t that important!”

Then the third is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains o­nly o­ne task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of fifteen years. He takes the gun, enters the room, “BANG, BANG” followed by bumps and screams for five minutes. When he returned and was asked what happened, he said, “You bastards, they were blanks…I had to choke the bitch!”

Q   What is black and brown and looks good o­n a Lawyer?
A   A Doberman..

Excuses for Missing Work

From the Washington Post — A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:

If it is all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and  spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the  explosion). I was able to exit the loop o­nly by reversing the polarity of the power source  exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog o­n the snout with a  rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata’s acting up.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not  showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them  Hoyas, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint,  but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my  employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I  won’t bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as o­ne of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin  to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. o­ne day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I prefer to remain an enigma.