LEXX: S04E09: Fluff Daddy

P4X

I want your love thing!

The show opened with a message from the lovely Presidents wife, Bunny. She pleads for Stanley to return to Earth,“I want you, I need you. In my arms and in my bed… right now.” She says, “I made love to the wrong man and my hot body still aches for the real Stanley Tweedle. Please come to the White House and make sweet love to me.

Stan is impressed enough to want to return. But Kai isn’t convinced, “Are you sure you want to return to an alien infected type thirteen planet in it’s final stage?

But Stanley quite rightly points out, “Every planet has its flaws!” He persuades Kai to come with him for protection and Xev also… not for any particular reason. I couldn’t notice that Xev looked a little under the weather, a little aggressive, off colour and irritable. Perhaps she’s feeling a little moody; perhaps it’s the time of the month! (And before you all start flaming me, this show has just about had a go at all other taboos, ‘the dead do not poo’ remember! Why not examine the trials and tribulations of Xev’s menstrual cycle.

Kai asks Xev why she wants to go down to the planets surface, “I just do that’s all.” She says. (there, see what I mean!).

... give .. .me... meat...As they arrive at the White House, Stanley is eager to get it on with the Presidents wife, Xev on the other hand mumbles almost inaudibly that she wants to take a walk (probably to go and get some chocolate and erm… feminine hygiene products) She wonders off on her own. Kai tells Stanley that Xev is not well and decides to go after her (clearly the dead do not understand that menstruating women can kick the crap outa ya!). He vows to return to check on Stanley later, “Enjoy your sexual encounter with the Presidents wife.” He says (without encouragement).

In the White House, Stanley meets up with Bunny and she begins to disrobe. She presses a button and a bed appears, then her skirt disappears, “I love the President so badly it hurts. I’ll do whatever the President wants.” She says respectfully.

yeah, now tussle with the muscle!

Stan is unimpressed but eager, “Wherever he wants?” He asks.

Don’t push it.” Replies Bunny (push what? It seemed like a reasonable request to me). Then she began to undress Stanley and although Stan seemed happy, poor Bunny’s expression looked as if she was just about to gargle sour cream.

Unfortunately, the whole experience is proving too much for Bunny. She isn’t turned on by Stanley at all and decides to put on a porn film to try and get in the mood (hmm…. Is that really what you girls do when yer not up for a bit of slap & tickle? I mean, I can imagine a geezer doing that…. a really sad, desperate, slob who needs….. such…. erm… but not a girl!)

Hey, that's my Lyekka!hi baby!Stanley glances over to see the film and we see that the lead actress is non other than Lyekka! “That’s Lyekka,” exclaims Stanley excitedly while standing next to the half naked and bemused Bunny. “She’s a friend of mine, she was with us on the LEXX…… It’s Lyekka, she’s the only girl I ever felt special about in a real way.”

Meanwhile the film concerns the exploits of a rather dim looking pizza boy and a very hot looking Lyekka with a silver wig.Did you notice that the pizza boy is Jeffrey Hirschfield (one of the writers of the episode and the voice behind 790– perks of the job huh!). Stanley leaves Bunny to go and find Lyekka.

Meanwhile, Xev is looking even more unsociable. She looks at some chubby geezer speaking on his mobile phone and then, without warning, she curls herself up races over to the bloke …. and attacks him. We didn’t see the gory details, but soon realised that Xev was making a meal of him.

mysterious geezer

I dunno who this bloke is. He was in a pile of rubbish when Xev atacked and killed the geezer. {why was he in the scene?} . Some people might recognise him as Gordon, the geezer who played the star Zombie (number 2) that was pushed off the cliff in the season 2 episode Twilight.

Good greif, I really am sad aren’t I.

Stanley arrives at the adult film studios and introduces himself as a friend of Lyekka. Unfortunately, he cant get past the security guard until he hears the producer call for a go'orn  lemmee in!‘fluffer’ (?). Stanley suddenly shouts out, “I’m the fluffer!” Hoping that this will help him gain admission.

Xev wakes up in a rubbish dump. She is helped to her feet by Prince who, true to form, has a proposition for her. He attempts to help her through her ‘illness’ by prescribing a dose of Kai, a living Kai! You could almost hear her thinking, “Just stop talking and show me to the sanitary towels!” But Xev is sick of Prince and his silky persuasions, she tells him that she doesn’t trust him and for him to leave her alone. He leaves gracefully – but only after he has lead her to a doorway of a small theatre where the living Kai is due to begin a performance.

In the porn studio we see the lovely Lyekka having her lines explained to her by Barnabus K Huffert, the proprietor, chief cook and bottle washer (played far too convincingly by Lex Gigeroff… now all we needed was Paul Donovan and the little LEXX writer family would have been complete). Stanley bursts onto the scene announcing that he is the new fluffer. A look of mild surprise crosses over the faces of the production crew and actors alike as Stanley explains why he is such an expert fluffer (without actually knowing what a ‘fluffer’ actually is).

Barnabus Huffert calls the lead actor (Dick Dongler) and tells him that his fluffer has arrived to fluff him up. Dick doesn’t seem too worried that his new fluffer is a geezer, “It’s ok, I don’t mind.” Says Mr Dongler. Barnabus turns to Stanley with an admiring twinkle in his eye and says, “I hereby dub ya, Fluff Daddy.

Xev enters the little theatre where she (and a whole load of other Drool Sisters) watch a half naked human Kai performing a monologue…

…..Naa, I can’t say that. Simply calling this a monologue would not do it justice. Looking like a cross between a Japanese peasant and a geisha girl, Kai recited the most boring collection of words imaginable with HUGE amounts of passion and excitement that the whole experience was disturbing and at the same time, laughable. Rarely have I been so moved ……. to go to the toilet!

Thankfully we were taken back to the seedy goings on in the porno studio where Dick Dongler (playing a pizza boy) was delivering a pizza to Lyekka. The script clearly indicated that Lyekka wanted a hot dog rather than a pizza and Mr Dongler obliged. The camera began to role, the actors began to rock and Barnabus Huffert explained to Stanley ‘Fluff Daddy’ Tweedle why he liked his job so much.

Suddenly Stanley noticed that Lyekka wasn’t ‘smooth right round the bend(I guess this was the point in the script concerning the pizza sauce, or possibly hot dog mustard). He was positively ecstatic. Clearly he would now be able to have a proper relationship with her and they could all live happily ever after. Unfortunately for Stan, the modern day Lyekka wouldn’t give him the time of day. Worse was yet to come.

Lyekka the porn model jumped up from the bed and slapped Dick Dongler. She accused him of drinking from the toilet (ie. that he had bad breath) and stormed off. A deflated Mr Dongler waddled back to his dressing room. As Huffert went to calm the lead actress he gestured to Mr Dongler’s dressing room and said to Stanley, “Fluff daddy, duty calls. Go. Immerse yourself in your craft. Fluff like no fluffer has ever fluffed before.

Stanley smiles and enters the dressing room where he finds an expectant Mr Dongler. It turns out that the job of the fluff daddy is to ‘make hi camera ready’. A simple enough statement coming from a ballet dancer but absolutely awful when it comes from a male porn actor. Yes, you’ve guessed it; Fluff Daddy’s job is to dingle dangle Mr Dongler’s doodle! To boldly go where no Tweedle has gone before. “I’m partial to wrist action.” Says Dick helpfully.

Stanley gasps with fear but does not kneel down. Instead he escapes into the studio and comes clean with Mr Barnabus Huffert. “I’m on a mission from the first lady of the Whitehouse herself.” He lies convincingly.

After he’s thrown out, Stanley sees a telephone box and attempts to call the President. Instead, Prince comes on the line and agrees to help Stanley retrieve Lyekka provided he is given safe passage on the LEXX when he is ready to depart. Stanley foolishly agrees.

On the other hand, when the ATF immediately invade the studios, arrest the proprietor and sign the whole company over to Stanley Tweedle (while they do a rectal search of the hapless Huffert), things certainly begin to look a little less desperate for the captain of the LEXX. Lyekka suddenly has a change of heart and when she kisses Stanley on the cheek, he agrees to let Huffert go.

Meanwhile, Xev meets up with Kai after his performance to find him stapling his feet (as you do). “The actor must understand pain,” says the living Kai (he should listen to his own performance). But Xev is sympathetic and tells him that she wants him to understand pleasure as well. She tries to tell him that she wants him to love her, right there and then. “I am not above indulging in the pleasures of the flesh,” he says dispassionately, “But I have committed myself to remaining celibate for the remainder of the show. During this time every molecule of my essence must be funnelled to the realisation of the theatrical art. To allow it to be spilled in a frivolous manner, to allow weakness and failure….

Worse still, it turns out that his show is scheduled to run for at least two months (six months if his grant is renewed). So the eager He does agree however, to let her stay with him until then.

Meanwhile, Stanley agrees to help Lyekka realise a dream of hers. She wants to shoot a hardcore movie in the Whitehouse, a film called “The Oval Orifice”. Stanley agrees to help her arrange it.

During Kai’s next performance he throws a lot of doomed tomatoes into a fan and shouts a lot of French. His adoring fans (all female) hang on his every word. It is rumoured that Salter Street Films graciously allowed a few visiting Lady LEXXians (LEXX fans) to take part as members of the audience, but I don’t know who they were. If anyone can tell me, please email me and I’ll add them to the credits.

In the Oval Office, The President and his wife welcome the porno film crew to the Whitehouse to begin shooting “The Oval Orifice.” Later, Stanley is to appear in a scene with Lyekka ain the Moth. It involves his, her, some chat about some terrorists, some sex and something about a stowaway pizza boy (played by the intrusive Dick Dongler).

Stanley gets all excited and when Lyekka begins to tickle his fancy, he gets very excited indeed. So excited in fact that his grip of the key is loosened and it laves to go into Lyekka’s hand. As we know this can only happen at the point of death or when the holder of the key experiences extreme sexual ecstasy. Stan was clearly still alive, so we have to assume that he was extremely sensitive. Imagine what could have happened if he’d taken a ride on a bus!

Lyekka, Huffert and Dick Dongler eject Stanley from the Moth and fly off towards the LEXX. When they are high above the ground, they decide that they don’t need Me Dongler any more and eject him from the Moth also. He falls to his death.

Stanley immediately contacts Prince and explains what has happened. Unfortunately, he doesn’t appreciate that since he is not the captain of the LEXX anymore, he is no use to Prince. The evil head of the department of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms has Stan arrested.

On the LEXX, Lyekka and Huffert settle down and Lyekka tells the LEXX that she wants to blow up some planets.

Xev is sat quietly watching Kai performing. They are alone except for a few bloodied items of clothing strewn around the auditorium. Kai arrives (dead Kai) and Xev explains that she has been experiencing blackouts and noticing strange disappearances.

He tells her that this is because the cluster lizard part of her physiology experiences an aggressive tendency every seven years or so during a phase in its reproductive cycle. It turns out that Xev has eaten the audience and it seems that the living Kai’s days are numbered too. “At the end of the cycle,” Says dead Kai, “She eats her mate.”

Dead Kai tells her that he is going to look for Stanley and return later when she has eaten her mate (living Kai). When Xev asks dead Kai what he thinks about her eating his living counterpart, he replies, “The dead do not think about acting.This obvious lie (remember Brigadoom) hid the embracement of his living self’s performance. The shame must have been unbearable – Clearly, the sooner she finished her meal the happier the dead dude would be.

On the LEXX, Lyekka and Huffert blow up Mars and Venues.

Moments later, on Earth, Xev wakes up from one of her blackouts to find that she has mad a meal of the living Kai. All that is left are his sandals and a bloodied wig. She cries desperately clutching the bloodied wig her sadness was most convincing. We almost felt for her, then we realised the craziness of the situation and giggles morosely – yes you did! Kai looks on expressionless.

On the LEXX, the Lyekka and Huffert explore the ship and find the cryochamber. They notice the lovely but deadly Vlad and foolishly decide to open the cryopod to let her out. Vlad wakes and shoots them both with her handy wrist gadget. The key escapes Lyekka but it doesn’t find Stanley (he’s too far away) instead it finds the closest living humanoid, a moth breeder drone.

And there the show ended. Stanley has been arrested by the ATF, Xev has just eaten the love of her life and the key has passed to a moth breeder. The scene is set for …. Well, I’m not actually sure what can come next.

This wasn’t a limp show by any means; it was gory, sexy and funny…. I’d rate it a throbbing 35,592 out of 10.

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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

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