LEXX: S04E14: Prime Ridge

Prime RidgeQuite a few fans liked this episode; I find that hard to understand.  This episode sucked.  It sucked big time – almost as much as Bad Carrot and 769 (erm… ok, maybe not that much).  It clung to my face with grotesque pouty lips and drained me of what little intelligence I had left.  I found myself wondering what the hell I was doing forcing myself to watch it.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Jeff Hirschfield is better than this – he’s a LOT better. But, you didn’t visit this website to hear a load of moany drivel from me, so the following review is more of a synopsis.

The show opened with a view through a security camera of Xev, Stanley and Kai breaking into (or out of) some building.  A recording of the event was watched by a geezer (we didn’t see his face) who was on the telephone to someone from the government (we don’t know who).  The person from the government was telling the geezer that we couldn’t see (but he’s quite famous and a bloody good actor actually, Stephen McHattie also played CommanderMoss from theepisode ‘Lyekka’) that the fate of the country’s security restsMoss's messy desk with him. “I don’t care what it takes or who I have to kill to do it.  I’m bringin’ that big haired freak in.”  Said the Geezer.  (Actually I thought that the voice of the person from the Government sounded like 790).

On the LEXX, Xev is explaining to Stanley that she would like to settle on Earth.  She tries to persuade Stanley that it’s worth considering and asks 790 to locate a ‘nice’ place to settle down.  790 makes the obvious choice, the town that was voted the ‘Best lil’ town in the whole Wide World’ for the last ten years running by the United Nations, Prime Ridge.

She persuades Stanley to come down to the surface with her and Kai.  It’s easily done.  They don’t have the key (it’s still with a Moth Breeder) and therefore the LEXX wont produce food or indeed, take them anywhere.

Kai, Stanley and Xev take a Moth and head for Prime Ridge.  When they arrive, it seems just like the brochure, lots of houses with nice lawns, a BIG meat processing factory and (as usual in LEXX stories about the US and Canada), full of people with only 5 brain cells.

Does it really say, "get off the grass?"They land the Moth (presumably in some nearby woods) and take a walk along a pleasant suburban street.  Xev notices a House for Sale sign and they enter the house to meet with the owner.  There we see ‘Britt Ekland’ in all her glory playing a Ms. Sternflanks {wadda fun name!}.

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She’s quite a good saleswoman and manages to persuade Xev that the house is just what they needed. “I love it.  We’ll buy it!”  She says with one of those sweet,  ‘I’ll bonk yer brains out if yer lucky’ smiles.

Can I pay in kind?

790 has programmes all cash machines to give them all the money every time they entered the number 790 (apparently, it doesn’t work in the UK).  They run off to clean out all the cash machines in the area and pay Ms. Sternflanks the full amount.  Then they engage Ms. Sternhands help them furnish the property (even a freezer unit for Kai).

Meanwhile, the security cameras outside the banks have been recording each illegal withdrawal.

Xev, Stanley and Kai settle down in their new house to life in suburbia.  It’s boring!  They realise that pretty quickly.  To make things worse, the freezer isn’t cold enough for Kai, which means that his protoblood will run out more quickly unless he returns to the LEXX soon for a top up.

Son snif coke, she sniffs grassStanley goes out for a walk and notices Ms. Slackshanks kneeling by the flowerbed in the adjacent garden (looks like she’s sniffing the grass!).  It turns out that she is their neighbour and the house she sold was left to her by her ex-husband (who was a git – but not a bad provider of houses it seems).  Stanley seems quite attracted to the attractive Ms. Hamflanks and asks her for a date (which she accepts).

Kai and Xev watch TV in the main room, when Xev notices an advertisement for CJD Meat Products.  Tad, the presenter, mentions that one of the key positions in the plant is the nurse/councillor, a person that looks after the best wished of all the male employees, whatever they are.   Xev gets a sudden hankering to get such a job and Kai and Xev persuade 790 to help her.

And NO HANKY PANKY!This he does in his usual underhanded way (he gives the current nurse/councillor a heart attack).  Xev appears for an interview just in time and agrees to become the new Stress Councillor provided that there is no hanky panky.  He also mentions that there is a video camera in her office to make sure that nothing untoward happens.

While Xev is away, and Stanley sleeps on the lawn (?!?!).  Two stoned crack heads enter looking for some cash.  The find Kai who tells them that there is a large amount of cash in the plastic bag behind them.  He then tells them that if they type 790 into any cash machine, it will empty itself in their laps.

At the factory, Xev gets her first patient Mr Cleezby.  He goes on to tell Xev that his is a little strung out because works in a meat factory scooping up terrible amounts of beef guts.  Unfortunately he’s a vegetarian and suffers from hey fever and likes guns and… a load of boring stuff.  Xev tells him to come back to her place later for a bonk.  She believes (quite rightly) that a good bonk will solve any manly male personage’s ailments (even if he’s a bloody idiot!).

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Meanwhile, the toilet of the CJD Meat Processing Plant doubles as the office of the plant manager’s son.  This geezer is a no-good-spoiled-brat-asshole.  He was watching the tape of Mr Cleezby and Xev and decides that the lovely new nurse should pander to HIS every need.

Stanley is still in his garden when he absentmindedly (on-purpose) looks up at what he assumes is the bedroom window of Ms. Slackpants.  The curtains part for a moment and he notices a young woman there instead.

All this has not been lost on the geezer who’s face was hidden from us in the beginning of the show (Commander Moss).  He’s obviously someone important (because he’s a cool actor) and probably to do with security, because he is having another conversation with someone on the telephone.  He explains that he is going to Prime Ridge with his team and if he has to, he’s going to barbeque the place.  (Hohum).

The boss’s son arrives in Xev’s office only to be turned away (he reminds her too much of Stanley).  Apparently the geezer believes that it’s his right for the factory nurse to give him special attention.  She send him of with his tail between his legs (or at least in a very droopy position).

In the toilet, his so-called colleagues are laughing at his failure.  He vows to get Cleezby believing that it’s all his fault (?!?!).

No, I love SadGeezer.Stanley is in the bath preparing for his date with Ms. Slackpants when he hears a scratching on the bathroom door.  He is convinced that it is the object of his desires (who simply can’t wait for him any longer).  He beckons her to come in only to find that it’s Ms. Shankflanks’s daughter!  Now there’s a turn up for the book!   The daughter is called Picolena and is very attractive.  Almost immediately she takes off her clothes and gets in the bath with Stanley (as you do).  Stanley hardly objects, Yes, the soap is there!in fact it’s clear that he is quite flattered by the young lady’s advances.  Unfortunately, her mother (Ms. Crankypants) has decided to visit Stan too.  She opens the door to find Stanley in the bath with her not-so-sweet daughter.

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After briefly getting in the bath with them, she decides to leave and heads off downstairs only to bump into her son and his girlfriend (yes, the two crack addicts that Kai helped out).  They had returned stoned and armed to the teeth with automatic weapons.   Kai also looked a little strange and wobbled his way around the house.

Xev arrived home and shortly after Mr. Cleezby appeared at the door for his afternoon instruction in love-slave stress technique.  He declared that he loved her, but as is typical (and lets face it – getting fairly tired) he declares his platonic love for her.  Worse than that, he has decided that the only way they can be together is if he detonates a large array of explosives wired to his chest.

Then the sleazy son-of-the-Meat Plant manager arrives armed with a gun and an erect desire to prove to Xev what a manly male personage he is.  And then a whole load of other manly male personages dressed in FBI Agent combat gear get out of a truck and surround the house.

Sternflanks AngelsThey burst through the door and …. Guess what happens…. yep, a big fire fight.  Ms. Slackbladder frightened that she may be shot, starts shooting.  Then she listens to her son accuse her of being a bad mother (amongst other things).  His girlfriend suddenly takes a pair of garden shears and stabs Ms. Sterncrackler with them.  The son shoots the girlfriend in the leg moments before an FBI dude kills her.

Picolina meanwhile has decided to get out of the bath with Stanley and as she arrives in the thick of the fire fight, she notices Mr Cleezby.  Xev cops a feelThey hit it off immediately and begin making out on the floor in the middle of the room.  Everyone else is killed except Xev, Stanley and Kai who take Ms. Flapbutts car and head off into the distance.

And there the show ended.  I guess it’s not the best show in the series, it certainly wasn’t a turn-on.  Hell. It wasn’t even sci fi.  More like a Brazilian soap opera.

I’d rate this a cold 17,878 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.

Some of the Vidcaps
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Creator of the Kai Klone Doll and the
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