LEXX: S04E15: Mort
In the quaint semi-industrial town of Rimsaw, there is a family mortician called Mort working alone in his medieval style mortuary and funeral parlour called, “Mort’s Funeral Parlour”.
This is no ordinary mortician however, he’s a jerk. And he’s bonkers! We gaze horrified as the less-than-cool dude cuts up an attractive (but clearly dead) young lady for what seems like a few spare parts – all her toes. We wonder what dastardly mischief is this crazed maniac up to.
As he continues his unwholesome activity, a news flash on the radio (the news reader sounds like Lex Gigeroff, you can tell because he said oootfit rather than outfit), announces that three villains responsible for the Prime Ridge massacre are heading into Rimsaw and for all the inhabitants to be careful.
Sure enough, Xev and Stanley are headed into Rimsaw when they run out of fuel. They find a nearby supermarket trolley and load Kai into it. As they cross a field, a police car can be seen in the distance. Xev tentatively pushed the dead dude in her supermarket trolley while Stanley looks at the car nervously, “Stay calm Stanley, maybe it won’t notice us.” She says calmly.
They head for the woods but sure enough, they are spotted by the policeman who radio’s in. Xev spots Mort’s Funeral Parlour close by and they heads straight for it. They knock on the door and we notice that Mort is busy working on a body in the freezer. It looks disturbingly like a Frankenstein type undertaking.
Nearby, a moderately intelligent policeman discusses the progress of the fugitive hunt with a stupid policeman, a part time officer called Festus Trout. Trout is determined to catch the fugitives on his own but the intelligent police officer (luckily his superior) tells him that the FBI have jurisdiction and it is they who will take the fugitives into custody once they have been spotted. I guess Trout is doomed; he is mistakenly under the impression that he will take them in himself.
In the funeral parlour, Mort introduces himself and explains what a funeral parlour is for. He then tells him that the inhabitants of Rimsaw think he is a bit weird. Moments later, Deputy Trout knock on the door and insists on coming into the parlour and searching. He believes that hiding runaway fugitives “…is just the sort of twisted little thing you would do.”
Stanley Xev and Kai hide in the basement where the dead bodies are stored. Trout finally gets there and we see Xev, Stanley and Kai lying on the mortuary tables. Trout doesn’t recognise them, but insists on taking a big knife and stabbing one of them with a large embalming needle just to make sure that the yare dead. Luckily he chooses Kai for the test.
After the stupid policeman leaves, Mort is almost mortified to see Kai is still alive! Xev explains that Kai is of the living dead and that he requires very cold temperature to conserve his protoblood. Mort clears a place for him by moving a half assembled young lady to one side. Kai is placed in the freezer and Xev, Stanley and Mort return upstairs.
Xev decides that 790 is their only hope for escape. Mort agrees to help Xev and Stanley build a communications devise provided they tell him all about how a dead man can be reanimated and protoblood. Xev agrees.
They finally manage to contact 790 but the disobedient robot head will not take orders from them unless they come from Kai. Unfortunately Kai is running short of protoblood and still behaving very strangely after a short eventful trip with the crack head teens of Prime Ridge.
Unfortunately there isn’t enough time for Kai to be revived. Mort tells them that there is a viewing scheduled and that the relatives of one of the deceased will shortly be arriving. Xev and Stanley get dressed for the event and Mort brings in some sausage and cheese. While cutting Xev a piece of cheese, he accidentally cuts her finger, apologises and wipes up the drops of blood and secretly puts the tissue in a small vile ready for analysis.
Mort and the vile containing Xev’s blood sample retire to the mortuary and leave Xev and Stanley to attend the grieving family ‘doing the boo hoo hoo’ thing in front of the toeless dead lady. Stanley and Xev, not quite sure why dead people aren’t fed straight to the protein bank make a goodly number of innocent yet insulting comments to the dead lady’s family. “…What was her favourite position?” Asked Xev while innocently inquiring after the dead lady’s previous sexual life.
When Stanley and Xev notice that their re-assuring words are having no effect on the grieving family, Xev decides to go downstairs to the mortuary to see what is keeping Mort. She arrives just in time to find him trying to extract some of Kai’s protoblood with a big needle.
Xev manages to stop him and he pleads with her to let him continue so that he can save his dead lover. Actually, she’s neither his dead lover (since she was never interested in him while she was alive, nor is she (theoretically at least) a she since she is only half built! Yes, this is a Frankenstein story … sort of.
Six years previously, Mort had resolved to tell Didi (an attractive young girl who enjoyed lots of horizontal exercise with the local young geezers) that he fancied her like mad! Unfortunately, while she was frolicking in a field waiting for some lucky young dude to arrive, she was accidentally ploughed up – not by the lucky young dude, but by the local farmer and his combine harvester. All that remained of her body was her head. Ever since that day, Mort had resolved to re-build her (rather like the six million dollar woman, without the money or the technology). Mort was chopping off the bits of dead people that came to his funeral parlour and sewing them onto Didi.
Xev also learns that her breasts were destined to become Didi’s. Kai wakes up and after Xev tells her what Mort intended, he surprisingly agrees. Although they cannot guarantee the results, Kai seems quite hopeful. When Stanley arrives he objects strongly to Mort’s plan but not only does Mort extract some protoblood, but he also injects it into Didi …. But nothing happens.
Xev leaves to set-up the communications gear upstairs and is spied by Officer Trout. He pulls his gun on her and tells her that she is under arrest. He is convinced that she is one of the fugitives since he noticed her lying dead on the mortuary table. Xev comes up with the story that she was revived by Mort and they make a play for the large police officer. He seems to lap it up and also seems to have believed Xev’s story. He leaves and tells her that he will return shortly to take her up on the offer of some ‘fine lovin’. The officer leaves.
Xev manages to contact 790 and outside, Officer Trout contacts the FBI telling them that he has found the fugitives. He is determined to make the collar and insists that he gets the credit for their arrest.
Later, in the freezer with Kai, Didi awakens. She is just as incoherent as the dead dude (they seem almost made for each other), “nananook” (come on baby, lets get it on!), she says.
Mort enters the room to find that his love Didi is alive (sort of). He hugs her but unfortunately all she wants to do to him is strangle him. He restrains her and returns her to the freezer with Kai.
Trout returns and attempts to arrest Xev and Stanley but she talks him into going downstairs with him while Stan attends to another visiting, grieving family.
Once downstairs, Xev blindfolds the officer and opens the freezer door. Out pops Didi who immediately begins to seduce him. After the deed is done, they are interrupted by Mort (who has returned from the shop to buy some glue to stick a pair of culled breasts onto his now soiled lover.
Trout leaves to arrest Xev and Stanley and is hotly pursued by Didi. As the grieving family leave, Didi confronts Trout in the parlour and he shoots her. But Mort is right behind him and he angrily stabs Trout in the back with one of his embalming needles. Xev returns and hurries Stanley to get to the radio so that they can call 790.
The radio is made operational and a revived Kai instructs 790 to, “do whatever Xev and Stanley asks”. In then end, 790 is heard to sent a message to all police officers telling them that the fugitives have been spotted leaving Rimsaw. Xev, Stanley and Kai are saved. They take a funeral car and leave Mort and his beloved Didi to their own necrofarious devices. Unfortunately everything ends badly for Mort when Didi strangles him while uttering the words, “I kill you in the name of His Divine Shadow.”
I guess the genetic makup of protoblood is such that whoever uses it, they remain under the control of His Divine Shadow.
And there the show ends. An interesting diversion I guess, but I can’t wait for the show to get back on track towards the end of the season. The Supreme Beans have a knack of leaving the best ‘till last – I hope!
I’d rate this a lukewarm 22,447 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999 – 2019 Tony Fawl.
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