Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E01: God is Our Pilot

Bob’s Opening Line: We’re past the point of no return!

Whip: Anybody else notice that we keep passing the same stars and planets every 30 seconds? Chode: That’s the screensaver, whip.Whip: Oh! Much better!

Billboard – Come to the beginning of time!

Chode: Stop the ship!

Billboard: Time travel! Everyone can do it now. But not everyone can go back to the beginning of time. In fact, no one can. Or should we say, no one could, until today! Reserve a space on our maiden voyage now!

Chode: You know what the best part of being able to go back to the beginning of time means?

Whip: Yeah, not having to remember what you did yesterday.

Chode: Yeah that, and we’re going to know, once and for all, how the universe was created.

Gis: I think we already know. It was the good lord himself.

Chode: Gus, everyone knows that the universe began from an explosion due to a combination of high temperature and density, A.K.A. The big bang. Right?

Six: Oh, chode, I’ve been part of so many big bangs that if anything had actually started a universe, I’d know.

Chode: I don’t get why you robots and cyborgs believe in god anyway. You’re nothing but metal, circuits, and pseudo-flesh.

Gus: If we didn’t believe in god, we’d have to worship the engineering dweebs that designed us.

Six: And frankly, the god I pray to doesn’t need acne medicine and chronically masturbate.

Whip: I’m a god man, too! I know the big guy watches over the whipper and takes care of my every need. And nothing will ever get me to think differently.

T’Nuk: Excuse me! God is a woman! And I was made in her image!

Whip: on second thought…

Chode: come on! The whole god concept is one of the best scams ever invented.

Gus: How dare you speak this way about our creator? Who with divine beneficence created a universe filled with such extraordinary beauty!

T’NukL Ugh!

Whip: Ah!

Well, that’s enough divine beauty for one day.

Whip: When do we leave?

Chode: “We” aren’t going anywhere. The only one I’m taking is gus.

Six: Chode, honey, I would really, really like to go with you and gus. I’ve always wanted to make love to the man himself.

Chode: Really?

Six: Oh, yeah! Just once when I moan, “oh god, oh, god!” I really want to mean it.

Chode: Yeah, whatever. Gus, initiate the vector coordinates. T’nuk! Set the course to the nearest timeport…. We’re not moving!

T’Nuk: Bob?! Come on bob, you agoraphobic! Let’s get going!

Bob: I may be a spaceship who ironically has a fear of space, but do you always have to refer to me as such? Being reduced to one-word hurts! What if I did that to you?

T’Nuk: Oh, please! Like you could sum up any of us with a one-word description.

Bob: Ok, whatever you say… bitch. Whore. Slacker. Wimp. Thief.

Chode: You know, if he wasn’t so fast, I’d get rid of him like that.

Bob: I heard that.

Airport Intercom: passengers for flight 172, destination orion, board at gate 2.

Chode: Hey, you think those guys will recognize me?

Gus: Oh please. You’ll blend right in. You know, if you had just given six back to him, we wouldn’t have to dress up like morons!

Chode: Well, I would’ve, except I like banging her. Ungh! Ungh!

Gus: Banging… yuck! It amazes me that although I’m a robot, I am infinitely more evolved and refined than you are. I would never bang someone.

Chode: Yeah, because you can’t! You can’t afford the banging attachment!

Gus: [ Sighs ]

Intercom: Passengers for flight 11, destination: The creation of the universe, are awaited at gate 1.

Chode: Damn, confederation soldiers! I’m ducking out ’til they pass by.

Gus: Chode, for the last time, nobody’s going to recognize us in these outfits.

Nancy: Gus! Is that you?

Gus: Nancy?! Heh! What are you doing here?

Nancy: I’m with my church group!

Protestors: Say no to time travel!

Nancy: We’ve taken some time off from our regular jobs, like preventing stem cell research from curing horrible diseases, to protest this time tour going back to the creation of the universe. Boy, I hate anyone taking that trip. So, where are you going?

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Gus: Heh!

Chode: C’mon, gus! We’ve got an appointment with the beginning of time!

Gus: Oh! God told us to go there. Heh. I’m not lying! Who are we to question god? {[to chode] Have I told you lately that I hate you?

Chode: Hey, who was the god freak you were talking to?

Gus: Nancy.

Chode: Really? That’s nancy? The one who’s been after you to join her gang of religions lunatics?

Gus: Yes. Charming isn’t she?

Chode: Umm… she’s got no tits.

Six: Mmm… – oh!

Whip: Ok, bob. A little to the left. Now raise your nose 20 degrees. Perfect! Thanks, bob. [to T’Nuk] What are you doing to her?

T’Nuk: Oh, nothing really. I just want to turn this cheap whore into a lady, that’s all.

Six: First of all, I am not a cheap whore. I am an expensive whore. Second, you’re dripping pus again. And last, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your paws off me!

T’Nuk: If I know what’s good for me? Ha! I have gas cramps more threatening than that!

Whip: [ Sniffs ]

Timeport security: Next!

[ Alarms ]

Bomber: Hmm? – Be careful! You shake that too much, it’ll explode.

Guard: Really? What is it?

Bomber: Um, a can of soda?

Guard: I don’t think so, buddy! You know you’re not allowed to bring soda to another time period.

Bomber: You’re right! My mistake! That’s not a can of soda!

Guard: Then what is it?

Bomber: A bomb.

Guard: Well, ok then. Just as long as it’s not a can of soda.

Bomber: No, it’s a bomb.

Guard: Next!

Chode: Where do they get these security guys?

Bird Alein 1: [ Sniffs ] Plastic?

Bird Alein 2: Nuh-uh. C-4.

Bird Alein 1: Mmm!

[ Alarms ] [ Birds squawking ]

Bird Alein 1: This is racial profiling!

Police 1: Ah! – No, it’s just a random check.

Gus: Chode, before we board, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not everyday an owner buys a ticket for their robot, so thank you.

Chode: Ticket? What ticket?

Gus: Ah! Ooh! Ow! Ah! Ow! Ooh! Not funny, chode. Not funny.

Guard: Next!

Gus: Oh!

[ Banging ] [ Banging ] Oof!

Chode: I’m not sure deregulating the timelines was the best idea.

Stewardess: Thank you for taking temporal adventures! Now with more leg and/or other appendage room. –

Gus and Chode: Oh! Ow! Oh! Aaah!

Captain: Good afternoon! This is your captain speaking. We’re taking off. Please turn off electronic equipment such as cell phones, laptops, and robots.

Gus: I hate take-offs and landings.

Lips: Next stop, beginning of time.

Female Alein: Oh yes! Do it to me! [ Groaning ] Oh! Yes! Ha ha ha! Oh! –

Captain: Let’s congratulate the newest members of the mile high club!

[ Cheering ]

Captain: In a few moments we’ll arrive at the creation of the universe. But first we have to cross the blue wavy lines that no one has ever crossed before due to the ferocious tornadoes and turbulence! So what makes us feel invulnerable? Well it’s simple: Liquor!

[ Cheering ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ]

Chode: Please, god. Please don’t kill me! I’m sorry for all the horrible things I said about you. I do believe in you! I do believe!

Gus: So you do believe in god!

Chode: I never said that.

Gus: Oh, yes, you did.

Chode: Listen, you metal prick! I’ll pretend to believe in him if it saves our lives. But it’s not like I really believe in him! …Ahh! I believe! …I was lying. Aaah! …I believe! I was lying.

Captain: Hello, this is the captain speaking. We’ve decided, after careful thought and consideration that we don’t want to die!

Lips: Ptoo!

Stewardess: Complimentary videotape of your flight?

Alein:Ugh!

Stewardess: Argh!

Gus: What are we doing?

Chode: I’ve got a plan.

Gus: Just as long as it doesn’t involve stealing this timeplane and flying it ourselves back to the beginning of time, I’m with you.

Chode: Hmm! Thanks a lot for changing your mind about this whole thing. Your support really means a lot to me.

Gus Mghrhgh!!

Lips: [ Burps ]

Chode: Huh? Mmm… pretty weird, huh? …Hey buddy, we’re almost there! You can stop praying and just yell out the window.

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Chode: Oof!

Gus: Ungh!

Chode: Gus, get out of the door! I go first! Master before slave.

Both: Ugh!

Gus: You are on such a power trip.

Chode: Me, on a power trip? That is so ridiculous. Let there be light! Hah! Look at that! The big bang!

Gus: Are you sure we’re at the beginning of time?

Chode: Uh-huh. We’re at the creation of the universe and what do I see? Big bang! Tiny supernova! Digital readout! Hmm… anything missing, gus? Anything you don’t see?

Gus: Ahh! Oh!

Chode: Who are you looking for, Gus?

Gus: God. God! Oh, god! Oh!

Chode: Well, you’d think he’d be here at the creation of his universe. Unless he was just a scam.

Gus: Oh! I hate to admit it, but you were right. There is no god.

Chode: Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, you can call me god.

Gus: [ Sighs ]

Stewardess: oh, excuse me, gentlemen! Yoo hoo!

Gus: We are so dead.

Stewardess: Gentlemen! We want to make sure you don’t forget your souvenir videotape.

Chode: Souvenir videotape?

Stewardess: You never know when you’ll want to relive your adventure.

Chode: Thanks.

Gus: Well, that was a surprise.

Chode: Yeah. She cleans up nice.

Gus: I wonder where Nancy went?

Chode: She and her friends are probably out doing something religious, like bombing abortion clinics.

Gus: It’s weird they’re not here though. Time travel always brings you back to the same time you left.

Bird Alein 1: [ Sniffs ] White pearls?

Bird Alein 2: Nuh-uh. Black diamonds.

Bird Alein 1: Mmm!

{ EDITOR NOTE, IF ANYONE GETS THIS JOKE PLEASE EMAIL ([email protected]) AND LET ME KNOW}

Intercomm: Welcome to timeport 7612-544. As usual, all flights are on time.

Chode: Ok, maybe there is something a little off here.

Bob: First floor. Second…

Gus: What if things are different here too?

Bob: Third…

Chode: We’ll cross that bridge when we find it.

Bob: Bridge.

T’Nuk and Six: Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer, incorporated!

Chode: Or maybe we won’t.

Gus: I actually thought I saw Six and T’nuk getting along.

Chode: You two are friends?

Six: Friends? Heh. We’re same-sex partners!

T’Nuk: You know that, silly.

Whip: First mate Chode and robot Gus! Ahoy!

Chode: All right, first question. Why are you sitting in my chair? Second question, why is there a parrot on your shoulder?

Whip: Because I’m the captain.

Parrot: Raar! You know that, silly.

[ Whip and Parrot both laugh ]

Gus: If ever there was a sign of the apocalypse…

[ Cheers ]

Sports caster (on TV): Now that you’ve won the world series, where are you going?

Player: The happiest place on earth: Jerusalem!

T’Nuk Bob! Come on, bob, you daredevil! Take it easy.

Bob: You know, T’nuk, I may be a spaceship who takes wild risks, but do you always have to refer to me as such? Being reduced to a one-word label hurts. How would you like it if I did that to you?

T’Nuk: Oh, please! Like you could sum up any of us with a one-word description.

Bob: Ok, whatever you say… sweet. Innocent. Motivated. Brave. Giver.

Chode: Huh?

Gus: What have we done?

Chode:- I don’t know. But I think I have a way to find out.

[ Tape fast forwarding ]

Chode: I was wrong. This souvenir videotape is useless.

Chode: Wait. I think I heard something right at the end there. Rewind it and go slow.

God: Arrgh!

Chode: Hmm. I guess there was a god. My bad.

Gus: Do you think he’s dead?

Chode: Hey, Six, what’s the deal with sex nowadays?

Six: Deal? There’s no deal. You want to have sex, you just have sex.

Chode: Yep. He’s dead.

Gus: We killed god! We have to go back immediately and fix this!

Chode: Not so fast!

Gus: What?

Chode: Why should we bring the big guy back? Look around. No wars. No religions. The only bummer is, no teenage girls walking around in catholic school uniforms.

Gus: Chode, enough. We have to go back and unkill god.

Nancy: Hey, Gus-muffin. Hee hee! Ready for some hot metal-on-metal action?

Gus: God help me!

Chode: Yep, I killed god, and the universe is a better place. I wonder if they’ll erect a statue of me?

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Chode: Yeah, I go to a bank and there’s no safe. The money’s just in a big pile in the corner. You just take what you need!

Gus: I have to admit it’s great. I say “I guess I’ll just try sex”. I get a penis attachment! I say “a large one please”, I get that too! How do I describe how great it all is? It’s like…

Chode: christmas without the chris?

Gus:- Exactly!

Chode: You know, gus, after all the years of you claiming that all the good in the universe was because of god, it’s nice to know that you were wrong. In fact, without god, everyone is just naturally good.

Gus:- Because without god, there’s no satan. And without satan, there’s no evil. –

Chode: Well, the important thing is we’re the only two in the universe who know how to be bad. (enter Whip with loot) Uh! Ok. The only three.

Gus: You told whip?

Whip: About the evil thing… I hope that wasn’t a secret because I may have mentioned it to a few people. –

Gus: Uh-oh.

Jim (on TV): Our top story tonight: Evel. Hmm? Evil. It’s new and it’s everywhere. We begin our team coverage tonight with Hank Hanson, live on the street. Hank?

Hank: Thanks, Jim. Just a few days ago, no one knew what stealing meant. Now everyone’s doing it! Apparently, the new way of thinking is, if you want something, you take it even if it’s not yours!

Looter: Gimme that microphone!

Hank: No!

Jim: Hank Hanson. He will be missed. Elsewhere in the universe, other types of evil have been invented. For this, we go to Dan Danson. Dan?

Dan: Jim, you’re witnessing a first. What you are about to see is shocking, unh, disturbing and yet, ooh, oddly arousing. Unh! Right now, this reporter is being raped in the [ Beep ] (ass) Oh!

Chode: Were you out stealing today, too?

Six: That’s so yesterday.

Chode: Good.

Six: Today, something new is all the rage. Senseless murder.

Chode: Oh!

Gus: You see what you started? Robbery. Rape. Murder!

Chode: And my parents said I’d never do anything with my life.

Gus: Oh!

Chode: It’s like they have no sense of right or wrong.

Gus: Kind of hard to believe that there could actually be beings with less of that than you.

Chode: Well that’s because I know there’s a god who eventually is going to hold me responsible for my actions. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I miss god. It’s like all his wars, plagues, wraths, furies, rages, smites, and guilt made the world a better place.

Gus: Well, he is love.

Chode: What do you say we go get him back? –

Whip and Six: Huh?

Nancy: Oh, there you are, Gus-muffin. I learned a new word today. Sodomy.

Chode: So the plan is, we’re gonna go back in time, to right before the other plane hits god. And then we land near, but not exactly where, the other one lands, and with enough time to climb out, and push him, providing he can be pushed, out of the way, before the next plane comes and hits him! Which, by the way, is also being flown by us simultaneously.

Gus: Do you understand time travel?

Chode: Not for the life of me. Huh? Pretty weird, huh? Wow! Deja vu.

God: So as a reward for saving me, not only will I erect a statue of you, but consider yourselves my only begotten sons.

Gus: Yes!

Past Chode and Past Gus: Ahhh!

Past Chode: Oh.

Past Gus: Hmm?

Past Chode: Umm…

God: Suckers! Ha ha ha!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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