Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E02: Mutilation Ball

Bob’s Opening Credit Line- No! I’m too young to die!
Chode Mmm!
Six- Oh!
Chode- Hmm… heh heh!
Six- Ha ha!
Chode: Captain’s log, star date somethin’ or other… I decided to do some dirty dancing with six. I’m just killing time till the big game starts. But she doesn’t know that.
Six- Ahem. I’m right here. I can hear every word.
Chode- For god’s sake, stop spying on me, woman! Besides, I would never intentionally be that insensitive and rude! I’m clearly not that type of guy.
Six- Ahh!
[ Siren ] Chode- The game’s starting! The game’s starting! The game’s starting!
Six- Hmph!
Whip- Agh! Ah! How many was that?
Gus- one.
Chode- Quit your slackin’! The big game starts in 45 seconds! Hustle, boy! Hustle!
Connie- Kathy, we only have one of these beautiful little dipper dollies left!
T’Nuk- Oh!
Kathy- Yes, connie, they’re going fast.  Our viewers  better hurry!
Connie- I’ve got T’Nuk on the line again! T’nuk, are you there?
T’Nuk- Hi, kathy! Hi, connie!
[Both]: Hi, t’nuk!
T’Nuk- I know I just bought the other 49 little dipper dollies, but I’ve just got to have ’em all! Oh, they’re so darn pretty! I mean, who can resist that face?
Kathy- Well, one more T’Nuk, and you’ll have the entire collection.
Connie- Last one! Going, going…
T’Nuk- oh my god! If I don’t have that doll I’ll just die! I’ll take… aaagh! Ahh! What do you think you’re doing you giant purple assrag?! Gimme that! I want my dolly! Grrr! Ha!
Chode- Hmm…
Whip- oh!
Chode- Sheesh! The crap women watch! Oh! Oh boy! Cheerleaders! Ha ha!
Cheerleaders- Mutilate! Mutilate! Dismember and eviscerate! Yaaaaay team!
Harry- Welcome to another game of mutilation ball! I’m Harry Balsak!
Marv- Yes! And I’m Marv Alien!
Harry- Before we start, I should remind you folks at home today’s game is sponsored by cosmico. Cosmico: We put quality in. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess!
Marv- Yes! And Confederation cola! Aren’t you thirsty yet? How about now? How about now!
Chode- Are you two putzes ever gonna shut your yaps and start the game?!
Marv- Yes!
Harry- And here they come now! The confederation cougars versus the Pluto Plunderers!
[ Whistle ] Player 1- Agh!
Player 2- Heh heh.
Player 1- Hey!? Ouch!
Chode- Foul?! He barely touched him! That ref needs his friggin’ eyes examined!
Whip – All right! Stretcher time!
Gus- This would turn my stomach if I had one. How can they watch it?
Six- Apparently it increases the adrenal glandular function of its spectators while sharply reducing the flow of blood to  heir brains.
Chode- Wow! Is this great tv or what?!
Gus- Do you realize these players are being maimed for life just to sell you a roll of toilet paper and a pack of gum?
Chode- And your point is?
Six- Captain, my scanners indicate a confederation ship approaching.
Chode- Oh crap! Hey, bob! Hello?! You’re supposed to tell us these things!
Bob- Sorry, I’m a little  under the weather. [ Coughs ]  A confederation ship  is approaching.
Chode- Yeah, thanks for the warning. Now get us the hell out of here! I’ve got a dozen outstanding warrants!
Bob- I’ll do my best. But I should warn you that sudden movements make me dizzy.
Chode- Just haul ass ya hypochondriac!
Six- Too late, the other ship is close enough to… …board us.
Adam- Hello, chode.
Chode- Uh, hello Adam.
Adam- We’d like to speak to you.
Chode- Whatever it is, I didn’t do it!
Adam- We’re not here to arrest you.
Soilder- We have a proposition. The championship game of mutilation ball against the dark clowns is next week.
Whip- Oh my god! It’s the owner of the confederation team! Buss Cubehead!
Buss Head 1- We must beat the dark clowns! For the good of the Confederation.
Buss Head 2- And for the good of the game!
[Both]: And the money! The money! The money, money, money, money, money!
Buss Head 2- Anyway… we’re bringing Back Malak for the championship game!
Chode- Malak! He was the greatest player ever!
Whip- But, he’s been retired for two years!
Buss Head 1- He doesn’t know it, but he’s about to make a comeback!
[Both]: Ha ha ha!
Chode- Ha ha!
Adam- We want you to kidnap him and bring him to the stadium.
Buss Head 2- Yeah, yeah!
Buss Head 1- Kidnap him!
[ Both laugh ] Chode- Kidnapping? That’s the despicable act of a coward! How much do I get paid?
Adam- Nothing.
Chode- Pardon me, but I had a little higher price in mind.
Buss Head 2- The confederation has agreed to lift all your arrest warrants.
Chode- I’d rather have the money.
Adma- Then what do you say to this?!
Chode- Uh, when do I start?
Buss Head 1- Good! This is where our spies have spotted him.
Chode- “Lord of the nipple rings. Two nights’ video rental”?
Buss Head 2- Other side, big mouth!
Chode- Oh. Six, put these coordinates into the computer.
Adam- By the way, if you don’t succeed, we will kill all of you and incinerate your ship!
Bob- Ah! Oh, god! No! I’m too young to die! Spare my life and I’ll do anything you ask! Anything!
Adam- Beam us up!
Chode- Nice game face, bob.

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Chode- T’nuk? Could you get bob to slow it down a little? I’d like to get there in one piece!
T’Nuk- Gus, would you tell the captain that I am not speaking to him. And not to speak to me until he apologizes!
Gus- T’nuk says to tell you–
Chode- I heard her! I’m sorry about your stupid ugly dolly.
T’Nuk- Tell him I can’t hear him!
Chode- Whoa! All right, you win! I’m sorry about your fucking dolly! You already had 49 of the same fucking dollies but apparently that wasn’t enough. You needed the last fucking dolly to make you happy! I see now that I’m so fucking sorry. Now go fuck yourself!
T’Nuk- I accept your apology. Was that so hard? Slow down, bob, or I’ll melt ya down and sell ya for scrap!
Six- Captain… we’re approaching the coordinates the confederation gave. I’ll transfer a picture of malak on the screen to familiarize the crew.
Chode- Don’t. Everybody knows who he is.
T’Nuk- Not me, I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him! I hate sports! I never watch sports and I …oh! What a studmuffin!
Chode- C’mon Gus. Let’s risk your life and see if we can nab him! – Thank you.

[Both]: Ah!
Chode- Ah! Hmm! Uh, hello, uh, Mr. Malak, sir?
Malak- Who dares interrupt my workout?!
Chode- Uh, mr. Malak, do you remember the old saying about how if you drop the soap in the shower in front of a gay robot, don’t pick it up?
Malak- No.
Chode- Good. Uh, you dropped your soap.
Malak- Oh, thank you.
Gus- Oh!
Malak- Argh!
Chode- Beam us up, Six!

Chode- So, Binks, what’s the word on the street?
Binks- What street? We’re in space.
Chode- Yeah ok, wise guy. You know what I mean. Had any interesting bets lately?
Binks- As a matter of fact, the Confederation just put down 8 billion on their team to beat the dark clowns in the next game!
Chode- Is that so?
Binks- They haven’t beat the Dark Clowns since Malak retired.
Chode- Those poor misguided fools! Like Malak’s gonna appear out of nowhere and play for them! Fat chance of that happening! Binks- Yeah, fat chance is right. The odds against that are running 581 million to one! The Confederation is gonna lose a bundle!
Chode- Yeah still, I’m loyal to the Confederation. Maybe too loyal, but that’s, that’s me. True blue, heh! Well… blueish. I  will cast my fate with theirs. Put me down… put me down for 10,000.
Binks- Wow, you’re taking quite a risk!
Chode- Tell me about it. It’s the entire ship’s junk food budget for the rest of the year!
Computer- Transaction complete. Good luck, sucker 6599702437822.
Binks- I got a feeling you know something I don’T.
Chode- Uh… heh. Me? Inside information? Ha! What do I look like? Martha stewart? Gotta go!
Binks- Ahh!

Malak- Hey, what are you doing?
T’Nuk- I’m giving you a sponge bath. Oh, but don’t worry. I’m a trained nurse! Our relationship is strictly professional.
Malak- Phew!
T’Nuk- Oops! I just went off duty! Come on, sport! How would you like to go deep, and score one in my end zone? Ahh! Ooh! Ooh! Ah!
Whip- Huh?
Gus- Huh?
T’Nuk- Oh my god! Oh my god! I broke it! I broke it! [ Crying ] I killed him! I guess I was too much woman for him! Poor inadequate slob.
Gus- What a touching eulogy.
Six- Mmm…
Chode- Hey! You just met the guy!
Six- Captain, it’s nothing sexual. It’s fibre optics. Just as I suspected. He was a robot.
Chode- Ooh!
Gus- Why was the confederation bringing back a robot?
Chode- That way they had no chance of losing the game. And, if it got out that it was all a cheat, I would be the fall guy.
Whip- I don’t think those confederation dudes are gonna like the fact we offed their robot.
Gus- Not we, she. And I will be glad to testify to that fact at her execution. I myself am totally innocent in all of this. I wish you all well. Adieu.
Bob: Nobody’s jumpin’ this ship! It’s time you people listened to the voice of reason. We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die! They’ll hunt us like animals no matter where we go in the galaxy!
Chode- Hold on there a minute! I’m not captain for nothing! He’s right, we’re doomed. I have a poison capsule for each one of you in my pocket. Please form a single line.
Six- What if we kidnap the real Malak and convince him to play?
Chode- That’s it! I knew I’d think of something. Never give up hope, people!

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Whip- I can’t find any trace of the real Malak anywhere!
Six- Wait a minute, I think I may have located him.
Chode- Where? Where is he?
Six- According to my data, there’s an out-of-control party happening on planet Snortaline. With hookers, underage groupies,
illegitimate children, and hundreds of freeloading posse members. Neighbouring planets have already called the cops 14 times.
Chode- Yeah, that’s it! That’s where I’d be if I was an overpaid sports star!
T’Nuk- Bob! Take us there right away!
Bob- I need to take 5.  I just can’t handle all this stress.
T’Nuk- Hey, I screwed a robot to death and I’m still on the job!
Bob- All right! All right!

Chode- Now this is what I call a party!
Gus- I’m just glad we didn’t bring whip.
Chode- You’re right. The kid’s way too immature for this scene. Hamamama! Who’s your daddy?! Who’s your daddy?!
Six- Captain! Focus! We’ve got to find Malak and get him to the stadium in less than an hour or we’ll all die!
Chode- Oh yeah, that.
Gus- We desperately need a plan here, folks.
Chode- Gus, if you don’t mind, I’m in charge. Back off! Ok! Now, we desperately need a plan here, folks. I say we go over to that empty bean bag sofa and sit there until I come up with one.
Gus- God, this thing is ugly!
Six- It is odd that with all his endorsement money, he didn’t buy something nicer.
[ Sniffs ] Chode- Phew! The arm on this thing smells like wicked B.O.
Malak- Hey, hey, hey! What’s the big idea?!
Gus- Oh!
Chode- Malak! Is that you?
Malak- Sorry, no autographs.
[ Burp ] Chode- Malak! What have they done to you?
Kitty- Turned him into a multi-billionaire for starters! I’m Katherine Malak, his wife. My friends call me kitty. But you’re not my friends. You’re not even invited guests! That’s why I’m gonna have my boys here break every bone in your bodies!
Gus- Technically I don’t have any bones, I’m a robot. So I’ll just show myself out. Or not. Oh!
Six- Say something.
Chode- Ahem. Look, we don’t want any trouble. I’d better warn you people, I got a purple belt.
Kitty- In what?!
Chode- In my drawer at home. It goes with my purple shirt and my purple pants.
Six- Actually, we’re here on official business.
Kitty- Why didn’t you say so! If you’re here to do business, you’re talking to the right person. I’m president of Malak industries. I’ve got his face on everything from t-shirts to toilet paper. So, whaddaya got?
Six- To tell you the truth, the Confederation sent us to ask Malak to play one last game against the Dark Clowns.
Kitty- A comeback, huh? Oh, I knew this day would come! So, what’s the offer? A billion? A trillion?
Chode- Actually it’s closer to uh… zero.
Kitty- What was that?!
Chode- Uh, zero.
Kitty- Come again?!
Gus- What he’s trying to say is, it’s a freebie.
Kitty- A freebie?! A freebie? [ Hisses ] A freebie?
CHode- Ok, people, show’s over. The lady had one too many. We’ve all been there. Let’s get kidnapping! Beam us on board, T’Nuk!

Bob- Confederation ship approaching! Confederation ship approaching!
Chode- Stall ’em, T’Nuk! Stall ’em!
Adam- Where’s Malak?!
T’Nuk- Um, he’s in the little boys’ room.
Adam- Energize photon torpedoes!
Bob- I’ll show you malak!  I know where he is!
Adma- Hmm…
T’Nuk- Bob! No!
Chode (as Malak)- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Adam- Are you  all right, Malak?
Chode- Hey hey hey! I’m ready to play!
Adam- Something doesn’t seem right here.
T’Nuk- Sir, we’re approaching the stadium. I thought the Confederation didn’t want people to know they had anything to do with, uh, an illegal kidnapping?
Adam- That’s right! Don’t call us, we’ll call you!

Chode- What are we gonna do? The game’s gonna start any minute!
Six- We could inject adrenaline directly into his heart. That would wake him up and put him in the right physical state to compete.
Chode- Great! Gimme the needle!
Six- I have to warn you sir that that kind of maneuver puts incredible stress on the heart.
Chode- Thanks for the warning, six. You probably just saved my precious life.
Gus- She meant Malak’s heart.
Chode- Oh! Will he still be able to play?
Six- Yes.
Chode- Ok. That’s all I wanted to know.
Malk- Hey! Hey! Hey! I’m ready to play!

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Clown Cheerleaders:  Ungowa! Ungowa! Bring on that Dark Clown power! We’ll cheat ’em, beat ’em, we’ll kill and eat ’em! Yaaaaaay clowns!
Harry- Hello again, folks! I’m Harry Balsak.
Marv- Yes! And I’m Marv Alien.
Harry- Marv, can’t you just feel the excitement here today? You could cut it with a knife!
Marv- Yes! Or a chainsaw! Which reminds me, today’s game is brought to you by the good people at Blackhole and Pecker, makers of fine chainsaws for over 300 years!
Harry- Talk about a corporation with a conscience! They’ve got the dying wish kids here today!
Marv- Yes! And they’ve given them all complimentary miniature chainsaws!
Consession Salesman- Argh!
Child 1- Waah!
Harry- Wow, when a huge corporation cares that much, it shows you their heart’s in the right place!
Marv- Yes! Even though it is tax deductible, and worth its weight in gold in good P.R., I still have goosebumps!
Harry- Let’s hope this helps Blackhole and pecker counter all that bad press they got from that class action suit involving  those 10,000 accidental chainsaw deaths!
Marv- Yes! It looks like the teams are ready to mix it up!
Clown Player 1- Heh heh!
Harry- I feel for the confederation. They don’t stand a chance against those sneaky Dark Clowns and their dirty tricks.
Marv- You gotta hand it to those Dark Clowns. They aren’t afraid to have a little fun!
Harry- Whoa. I’d say it’s a dark day for the Confederation. A Dark Clown day. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Could it be? Do my eyes deceive me?!
Marv- Yes! I mean, no! It’s him!
Harry- The one! The only! Malak!!
Malak- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Buss Heads- Ha ha ha!
[ Screeches ] Crowd- Malak! Malak! Malak!
Kids- Malak! Malak!
Jupiter 42 Crew- Malak! Malak!
Kitty- Aaagh!
Harry- The mighty Malak has fallen, never to get up again.
Marv- Yes! But what a way to go, harry! He died with his jockstrap on! Every athlete’s dream!
Crowd- Yay!
Harry- What a happy day for Malak this must be!
Marv- Yes! But what a sad day for Blackhole and Pecker. They just lost their spokesperson!
Harry- Speaking of sad, I’ve just been told that Malak’s grieving widow is in the stands right now! I wonder how she’s holding up?
Kitty- Show me the money! Show me the money! How much do I hear for the rights to the tv movie about this great man’s life? I got one million here. Two million up there! I got 3 from the guy in the corner!
Harry- What a brave, brave lady! You know what the best part of this is Marv?
Marv- Yes! I mean, no.
Harry- That those dying wish kids were here today to see their hero score the big one in heaven.
Marv- Yes! This certainly is a wonderful memory the kids can take home with them!
Kid 1- I got his finger!
Kid 2- I got an ear!

Chode- Uh, Bob, does warp speed work in reverse?
Bob- Yeah, it does. But only when a Confederation cruiser is not parked directly behind me blocking my way.
Chode- Now, before you say anything, I want you to know that my crew is totally responsible for the mix-up and they just feel awful about it. And they are willing to do whatever it takes, including die a horrible death, to make it right.
Adam- Lucky for you, due to Malak’s death, the game was called and all bets are off.
Chode- Well, all’s well that ends well!
T’Nuk- Oh!
Chode- Hmm? What?
Gus- You were ready to send us to our deaths just minutes ago!
Whip- How can we ever forget that?!
Chode- How about I order a couple of pizzas with everything, get a keg of beer and rent a bunch of pornos?!
All- Hmph!
Whip- Consider it forgotten!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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