Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E07: 2001 Space Idiocies

Bob’s Opening Line: We’ve got a fault in the AU-35-B unit!

Kubrickian- huh?
Chode- Oooow! Mother fuggin, piece o’… aaaa-a-a-aagh!
Gus- That’s it. Perfect. Don’t touch it.
Chode- A little help in the lifting department would have been nice.
Gus- You don’t pay me that kind of money.
Chode- I don’t pay you anything at all. That’s the only thing that keeps me from converting you into a set of hubcaps.
Gus- We better get out of here.
Chode- Yeah, beam us up, Six. Six?
Gus- The transporter’s broken, that’s why we took the shuttle, remember, captain blowhard? Let’s go.
Chode- Wait a minute, Gus. Now we can go.

Chode- Ah, another job well-done. Mysterious black monolith installed, and I’m ready to cash this payment check.
Six- There’s something funny about all this. Who gave you the job, anyway?
Chode- Ya got me, ha. It was a dark night, I didn’t get a good look at him.

Bobo- So, do we have a deal?
Chode- Maybe. But before I plant your monolith on that planet, I’m going to need some proof that there’s nothing horribly evil about all this.
Bobo- Very well. Here’s a check for 4000 gold kronigs.
Chode- That’s not the kind of proof I mean.
Bobo- Ok, 5000 kronigs.
Chode- Yeah, that’s the kind of proof I mean.

Chode-… And so I never knew who he was. Just some mysterious stranger who lived at 27 dark clown road… you know, the old dark clown building?
Six- Chode! How could you?!
Chode- Jeez. If you can’t do business with the evil and the greedy, then who can you do business with, miss P.C?!
Six- The Kubrickians are a tribe of simple, agrarian beings
who worship the earth and have lived in harmony for thousands of years.
Chode- Relax, the Dark Clowns probably just want to trade ’em some tacky plastic circus doodads in exchange for huge tracts of their precious land, ha, ha. Where’s the harm in that?
Six- Bob, turn on the long-range viewer.
Bob- Do I have to? Looking through all that cold dark space gives me the willys.
Six- Just do it.

[ Also spracht zarathustra
playing ] Bobo- I am the god of the monolith!
Cheiften- Yes, mighty one!
Bobo- I have come here to raise you from your backward primitive state, and make you into proud subjects of a modern superior race of super beings.
Cheiften- Who would that be?
Bobo- The dark clowns, you lox! Worship me as your god!
Cheiften- But we already worship god. God is in the trees and the
grass, and the babbling brook. But most importantly, in our hearts.
Bobo- Oh… you were saying?
Chefiten- Oh mighty one! Have pity on us.
Bobo- Lucky for you I’m a loving god. I love gold! Silver! And smearing hot cotton candy on my… [ Clears his throat ] … nevermind! Now get slaving!
Cheiften- But what about our children? What will they do while we dig for gold?
Bobo- They’ll be well taken care of over at our Kathy Lee casual’s sweatshop. Ur, I mean sweetshop! Ha, ha, you know how kids love candy!
Cheiften- But…
Bobo- Move it or lose it!

Six- Well?
Chode- What they’re doing is an outrage!
Six- I thought you’d see it my way.
Chode- I only got 5000 lousy kronigs to install that monolith! The dark clowns are gonna’ rake in a fortune!
Six- We have to alert the confederation.
Chode- What? What the hell for?!
Six- Someone has to stop darph Bobo and protect the Kubrickians. Primitive cultures should be left alone, to develop in peace. That’s the prime directive.
Chode- Ah, no, saving Chode’s ass is the prime directive. What’s the point of me posting these things if no one is going
to read them? Besides, if the confederation finds out I’m the one who did it, they’ll throw the book at me!
Whip- Which book?
Gus- Homeschooling doesn’t work for everyone.
Chode- I say we go back to the planet.
Six- You do? Chode, I’m touched.
Chode- And steal all their gold!
Six- Well, now I’m not quite as touched. But as long as we also save the innocent and helpless Kubrickians from a thousand year reign of exploitation and oppression, I’m all for it.
Chode- Yeah, whatever.

Chode-Well, I think I make a pretty convincing slave overseer.
Gus- I still don’t know why you need me to come.
Chode- Yeah, well you’re the chump I whip. Now let me practice. Ow! Oh, that hurts gooood! I may not waste this baby on you.
Six- I had this outfit in my trunk from my old sex slave days, but somebody obviously tried it on and got motor oil on it.
Gus- Really?
T’Nuk- Hey! I want to be a sex slave too. Can I come to the planet?
Chode- Nah. If you go, I’ll have to leave whip in charge of the ship.
T’Nuk- Oh, he’ll be fine. He’s very mature for his age.
Whip- Word up, dude.
T’Nuk- Ah! Ah-ha! I wanna be a sex slave! I wanna be a se…
chode- ok, ok. We could perhapsuse you in some capacity.

T’Nuk- I’ll kill you for this Chode!
Chode- Giddy-up, you hideous beast of burden. Hey, yo. How goes the slaving?
Kubrickian 1- We are miserable. We have no time to farm our land. Our crops will die. Our people will soon forget how to grow their own food.
Chode- Hey, look it’s tough all over.
Kubrickian 2- You do not look familiar. Who are you?
Chode- Uh, we’re from upstate Kubrickia. Yeah, we heard about this terrific new god you’ve got, and decided we just had to get in on the worshipping.
Kubrickian 2- I’m too simple and trusting to question your motives. I’m just going to assume you have our best interests at heart. Welcome.
Chode- Hey, let me help you with that gold there. And by me, I mean him.
Kubrickian 1- What is this strange thing? We have never seen anything like it.
Kubrickian 2- It looks like a man, and yet it has the fey, girlish manners of a woman.
Gus- You’ve never even seen a robot before and already you think I’m gay?!
Chode- They’re primitive, not stupid.
Kubrickian 1- This “robot”, as you call it. What is it for?
GUs- I am extremely advanced, and can perform complex calculations, stellar navigation, and xenobiologic interface,I might add I make a quiche lorraine that’ll knock your socks off.
Chode- They don’t wear socks! Less gab, more gold.
Kubrickian 2- But where are you taking our offering?
Chode- Ah, I just thought I’d store this stuff in a safe place until the big ugly clown god needs it.
Kubrickian 2- The mighty lord must have his gold now!
T’Nuk- How about a week from now? We could be back here on the… fifteenth?
Chode- Uh look, up in the sky, those two clouds look like a pair of giant cotton hooters!
Gus- Oh dear. If only we could get a message to whip. We never should have left him on that ship alone.
Chode- Don’t worry, I’ve trained him well. Right now he’s desperately trying to find us with the ship’s sensors.

Whip- Alrigggghhhhttt… wooooooo… wooooooooo…

Six- Could one of you boys show me around your big, hard, throbbing monolith? Hm, too bad! Well if you ever get “whore leave”, I’ll be over there.

Chode- All this gold is going in the wrong direction!
Gus- Well, if you don’t want it to get there faster, why are you whipping me?
Chode- It’s the only thing that’s making me feel better right now.

Bobo- What do these people need. Junk food. Cigarettes. Drugs. Alcohol. Violent entertainment, pollution spewing factories… what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, gangster rap.
Cheiften- Oh great one… these scrolls were passed down from our ancestors. I thought you might want to read them.
Bobo- What the hell is this chicken scratch?!
Cheiften- Epic poems that tell our history in Kubrickian, our beautiful native tongue.
Bobo- You can’t live in the past! Oh, that reminds me. Speaking or reading in your native tongue is now against the law.

Chode- What’s with the cave?
Gus- Uh, I’ve heard it’s some kind of disgusting men-only adult cave with really crude drawings of nude women on the walls done by local yokels with no formal artistic training.
Chode- Amateur primitive porn?! Yippee! Aaaah! Well, this is a surprise. Apparently I do have standards.
Gus- I warned you.
Chode- Ah, it appears that the Kubrickians have a thing for legs. A lot of legs. Would you believe, all their porn has four-legged women.
T’Nuk- They like four-legged women? Hm… hey, boys. How’d you like to take a free ride on a girl with 4 gams and no gag reflex?
Kubrickans- Huh?
[ Cheering ] Chode- Ah, you stay here and keep an eye on the gold. I’m going to find Six.
Gus- Why can’t you stay here and I look for Six?
Chode- I don’t know. Maybe cuz I’m the friggin’ captain and you’re my robot bitch?!!!

Six- Thanks baby, you were the greatest. I’ll never forget you. Next!!
Chode- So, what have you found out so far?
Six- The primitive but harmonious Kubrickian culture is being systematically replaced by violent, ecologically destructive, mercenary dark clown values.
Chode- The sooner these Kubrickian suckers find out how the real world works, the better.
Six- They had a beautiful peaceful simple world ’til these so called ‘advanced’ people took over. We’ve got to help them.
Chode- Alright. As long as I get the gold when it’s over.
Six- So what’s our plan?
Chode- I’ll infiltrate the monolith and see if I can find a way to send Bobo and his clowns packin’.
Six- How are you gonna get past the guards?
Chode- Easy. Next!! That’s one bang this guy’s never gonna forget.

T’Nuk- Don’t crowd me boys. Beauty needs its space.
Cheiften- What is going on here?
T’Nuk- What isn’t going on here?
Kubrickian- She is so beautiful.
T’Nuk- No argument here.
Cheiften- There is only one thing to do! We must give her to the great god of the monolith! She will be his wife!
T’Nuk- Uh?
Cheiften- Stop that grumbling. This isn’t the grumbling cave. Now go!
T’Nuk- Wait a minute.
Kubrickian- We must do as the old man says, T’Nuk. We fear the great fuzzy-haired god with the big feet with the big red shoes on them.
T’Nuk- Darph bobo?! Oh please no!

Bobo- In this training exercise, you will learn to kill an enemy in a way that is both painful and comically amusing.
Cheiften- But great lord, our culture is based on peaceful co-existence. Why would we want to kill someone at all?
Bobo- Because it’s the only way to win a war, stupid!
Cheiften- What’s a war?
Bobo- Oh, I forgot. You poor primitive savages have never seen a war, but don’t worry — once you’re civilized, you’ll get plenty of practice at it. Now, let the senseless wargames begin! Good! Reload the ice cold seltzer acid!
Chode- Alright, this looks easy enough.
Six- I think we should try another plan, Chode. Your tentacles are showing.
Chode- Hey, I can see from here, you’re not wearing a bra, but I didn’t say anything.
Six- Chode, they’re coming. Get down.
Chode- Nonsense. Watch this. It’s academy award time. Greetings my fellow stormtroopers! Aah!

Kubrickians- We pledge allegiance to the darkest clown of the cruel but funny dark clown empire and to the evil for which it stands…
Bobo- …No liberty or justice for all! Now put your new noses on! There. You’re all nice and civilized. And I might add,
a helluva lot more attractive. Now take your new standard of beauty and get out!
Cheiften- Your highness! Those are 2000 year old trees they’re cutting down!
Bobo- Yes, but it’s for a good cause. I need pasture land to raise cattle.
Cheiften- Cattle?!
Bobo- For the millions of hamburgers!
Cheiften- [ Sobbing ] But we don’t eat meat.
Bobo- You do now. Care for a pork rind? Then here. Have a donut. The unfamiliar sugar rush will do ya good. So, chode. We meet again.
Chode- Darph Bobo! You cheap crook!
Bobo- Compliments will get you nowhere.
Chode- What are you doing here? Why didn’t you escape with our g-o-l-d?
Gus- Uh, everyone knows you’re spelling the word gold.
Bobo- So that’s what you were spelling!
Gus- Well, you left me captive and well, you know how I love weddings. So when T’Nuk asked me to be her flower girl, uh flower person, I couldn’t refuse.
Chode- What are you doing here?
T’Nuk- I’m marrying Darph Bobo.
Chode- Uh, is this true?
Bobo- You know. There’s pretty slim pickins out here and well… she agreed to wear a bag over her head when we do the nasty.
Trooper- Your clownship, our sensors have detected a vessel in orbit above the planet.
Gus- That must be Whip with our ship! He’s probably got a thousand photon torpedos aimed at this throne room right now!
Bobo- Hmm… I’d better see about that. Throw these two in the dungeon.
T’Nuk- Oh!
Bobo- Take her too. I’m sick of her already.
T’Nuk- What? We’re not even married yet?!
Bobo- My eyes! Veil down! Veil down!
T’Nuk- Aah!

[ Door bell ] Bobo- You call a D.J., Man?
Whip- No, but cool. We could sure use one. Oh wait, I’m supposed to check if you are a dark clown. Are you a dark clown?
Bobo- No way, man.
Whip- Ok.
Bobo- Maybe I could upload this music disk into your systems, mon’. It gonna blow you away.
Whip- Alright! Hey everybody, new dj! We’re gonna rock the house!!

T’Nuk- If word gets out I was jilted at the altar, I’ll be considered damaged goods.
Chode- You were born damaged goods.
T’Nuk- Let’s not get technical.
Six- I’m here to rescue you. Hurry!

Six- It’s the main power reactor. Maybe we can get it to overload and explode. If we can just find a way to rig it…
Chode- We need some kind of radio receiver to wire into the control panel. Then we can transmit a signal from space to make the whole reactor blow.
Gus- Yes, but where are we going to find sophisticated electronics like that around here? Oh no. Absolutely not!
Six- There, that does it. Now let’s get out of here!
Bobo- Chode! You escaped!
Chode- That’s right, bigfoot. What are you going to do about it?
Bobo- This! I’m going to slice you into 200 pounds of purple bacon and then fry you up for breakfast.
Chode- I’m very fatty. I think I might be bad for your health!
Bobo- My nose! My precious black nose!
Six- The guards are coming! Quick, follow me!

Chode- Huh? What the… you, and you, out! This party is over! Bob! Stand by to send a bomb detonation sequence to the planet.
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Six- Huh?
Chode- What?! Who’s dave?
Six- That isn’t Bob. It’s some other computer program.
Chode- Then what happened to Bob?
Bob- [Muffled]: I’m over here! That program you’re talking to is called Hal. He’s taken control of the ship!
Chode- So what does this Hal guy do?
Hal- I don’t do anything. I’m a computer program that refuses to do things.
T’Nuk- Be careful! It sounds like it’s from Microsoft.
Chode- Now listen, Hal. I am ordering you to detonate those explosives.
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Chode- Get out of my computer!
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Chode- And stop calling me Dave!
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Chode- Ahh, he’s good, all right.
Bobo- Having some software problems, chode?
Chode- Grrrrr…
Bobo- Kudos are in order for escaping from my dungeon. Too bad you’re about to die anyway.
Chode- Oh yeah? Well just how do you figure on doing that?
Bobo- Hal! Initiate the Jupiter 42 self-destruct sequence!
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Bobo- God, I hate that program.
Chode- Ha! You lose again.
Bobo- Wrong! Maybe I can’t blow up your ship, but you can’t do anything with your ship either. According to my sensors, your orbit is decaying. Soon the Jupiter 42 will contact the planet’s atmosphere and be vaporized by the heat of reentry. Your ass is about to be barbecued and there’s not a thing you can do about it.[ Evil laugh ] Hal! Viewscreen off!
Hal- I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.
Bobo- Oh, shut up.
Bob- We’re entering the planet’s atmosphere. The hull is getting all soft and melty!
Six- Look! A confederation battleship!
T’Nuk- We’re saved!
Gus- Hooray for the confederation!
Hal- Uh oh, I have to get going. Goodbye, Dave.
Bob- Guys! It’s me, Bob! I’m back!
Chode- Boy, that’s the first time I’ve ever been glad to see the confederation. They showed up just like they knew we were about to have our tuckus toasted.
Six- They did know. I sent them a message for help. But I didn’t think it reached them.
Chode- You did? But how? Huh!?
Six- Two satellite transmitters in my bra.
Chode- Huhhhh… remember to wear those to bed tonight.

Adam- As a token of confederation friendship and respect, I am proud to present the planet Kubrickia with this commemorative
white monolith. From now on, Kubrickia will be left in peace.
Cheiften- Receive our thanks, oh wise one, for saving us from those shameless exploiters!
– Thank you very much.
Chode- You know, I’m basically responsible for saving the Kubrickians. Seems like I should get some kind of reward or something.
Adam- I’ll be happy to see what I can do about that, Chode. Just as soon as I finish my investigation into who planted the dark clown monolith in the first place.
Chode- Yeah, on the other hand, the only reward I really need is to see the happy faces of these innocent Kubrickians…

Chode- Jeez, that was close.
Six- You know, there was something strange, yet familiar about that confederation monolith. Bob, focus the long range
viewer on it.

Confederated Salesman 1- Confederation cola! Get your confederation cola here! First one’s free!
Confederated Salesman 2- Tired after a long day of primitive hunting and gathering? Who has time to cook? Try new quickie frozen quickie meals!
Confederated Salesman 3- Could I interest you in buying some insurance?
Chefiten- Why would I need “insurance”? I have plenty of food, water and shelter. I have everything I could ever need.
Confederated Salesman 3- Here’s a charge card and a Prictoria’s secret catelog.
Chefiten- But where am I gonna get the gold for the things I charge?
Confederated Salesman 3- Have you considered a career in slaving?
Chefiten- Isn’t that the same thing we did under the dark clowns?
Confederated Salesman 3- Oh no, no, no, no. That was slave slaving. This is wage slaving. This time you’ll get paid half a kronig an hour and you get one full day off a week and two whole weeks off a year!
Cheiften- Oh, god…

Chode- welcome to civilization! What? They’ll be fine. Hey, I grew up on booze, porn, and pizza, and look how I turned out!
Six- Exactly.
Chode- Hey, I think we just had our first fight. Does that mean we’ve got some hot make-up sex coming?! Huh? Six?! Six?!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

Discuss this episode in
the ‘Tripping the Rift Forum

Attention Webmasters: If you insist on stealing these transcripts for your own website without contacting us first, at least have the decency to place a link on your site to sadgeezer.com. (You know who you are!)

Tripping the Rift names, characters and everything else associated with the series are the property of Chris Moeller, Chuck Austen and Film Roman, CineGroup and the Sci Fi Channel.