Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E13: Android Love

Bob’s Opening Line- Start the e-mail campaign now!

Chode- Ooooh. I’ve got the mother of all hangovers.
Bob- Then I must have the father.
Chode- That bourbon we drank last night stunk. It tasted like antifreeze.
Bob- It was antifreeze. We’ve been outta bourbon for two weeks.
T’Nuk- You know what I just realized?!
Chode- What a loud ugly broad you are?
T’Nuk- No ya purple pus bucket. I just realized I haven’t had a day off in six months! Well I’ve had it. I need down time. I need to let loose, I need to feel the wind in my hair!
Chode- Is that the hair on your legs or the hair on your back?
T’Nuk- That does it. As part owner of this ship, I demand you take me to this fabulous club I just read about.
Chode- The full moon? What the hell is…
Gus- That’s the hot new club where gorgeous male sex slaves strip down to bare buns! Or so I’ve heard… from friends.
Chode- What friends?
Gus- Leave it alone!
T’Nuk- Speaking of friends, there’s a coupon here for the club. “Bring a friend and they get in free”. Six, you wanna go?
Six- What a nice gesture. I accept.
T’Nuk- Good. You pay and I’ll be your friend who gets in free. We’re gonna have us a girls’ night out, just you and me and dozens of hunky gyrating boy toys!
Chode- Boy hey?
Six- Captain, are you sure  you don’t mind me going?
Chode- No, of course not. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just turn in early  with a glass of warm milk and the “skankiest” hardcore porn I can find. I won’t even know you’re gone.
Six- Gee thanks. It’s nice to be appreciated. C’mon, T’Nuk.

Server- What can I get you to drink?
Six- I’ll take a Diet Confederation Cola.
Server- And you?
T’Nuk- A dirty martini. The dirtier the better!
Server- Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long night.
T’Nuk- Wuuu-hoo!
Six- You know the sad thing about this club is that all the dancers are “cyberslaves”. They’re forced to do this.
T’Nuk- Well. You’re a sex slave too. You’re forced to do Chode. I can’t think of anything worse.
Six- I can’t explain exactly how I feel about chode. But somehow it’s different.
Announcer- Ladies… make room for ten!
Six- Ten? Is it possible?
T’Nul- Honey I had twelve once. I couldn’t sit down for a week.
Six- Oh, it’s him.
Ten- Six!
T’Nuk- Hey cowboy! How would you like to bust this bronco?!
Ten- You’re alive.
Six- Thanks to you.
T’Nuk- Come on tex, rope me, grope me and deep throat me! Woo hoo!
Six- I must to talk to you.
Ten- No. It’s not safe.
T’Nuk- Hey! Over here. What am I chopped liver?
Server- That’ll be 14 “kronigs”.
T’Nuk- How much?! Here. Keep the change.
Girls- Dance! Dance!  Dance! Dance!
T’Nuk- What gives?  How do you know that gorgeous guy?
Six- We were sex slaves together in a Dark Clown Colony, where android life was cheap. It was a living nightmare. Because of him, I was able to escape.
T’Nuk- Hey, if he wants my number, tell him I’m in the book. 1-800-big-slut.

Ten- She’s ok. She’s a friend.
Six- What’s going on?
Ten- Look, you gotta get out of here. Now.
Six- But…
Ten- come on!

Ten- We’re trapped!
Six- This way! Hurry!

Gus- I hope it doesn’t go into overtime. The Judy Garland story is on biography in 10 minutes.
T’Nuk- I had to catch a ride with a freighter.
Chode- Too bad it was going in this direction.
T’Nuk- You won’t believe what happened tonight!
Chode- Somebody hit on you?
T’Nuk- No. Wiseass. Your precious sex slave Six, ran off with another man.
Chode- What?
T’Nuk- You heard me. And not only that, she’s stolen our shuttle. So she and her lover could make their getaway.
Chode- Androids can’t love.
T’Nuk- You wouldn’t say that if you saw the way they looked at each other.
Chode- That’s impossible!
Whip- Yeah, Six belongs to uncle Chode.
Chode- Yeah, that’s right!
T’Nuk- Not any more. She’s made a total ass of you, not that it took that much. All the while she was pretending to make love to you, she was plotting her escape, counting the minutes until she never had to look at your ugly purple blowhole again!
Gus- Very tactfully put. If I ever get any bad news, I insist you give it to me.
Bob- I can put sensors on the magnetic trail from the shuttle and we can trace the no-good broad.
Chode- Don’t bother, she’s just an android. I don’t have any real feelings for her. ‘Sides, sex slaves are a dime a dozen. There’s plenty more where she came from.
Gus- Actually there’s not. She was a very advanced prototype. You could even say, one of a kind.
Chode- I don’t care, replace her. The sooner the better!

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Ten- How is he?
Six- Not good. And I don’t have the tools here I need to repair his circuitry. We have to return to the Jupiter 42.
Ten- No. That will be the first place the bounty hunter sent by the Dark Clowns who own me will look. I’m sorry, I got you involved in all this.
Six- I’m not. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered where you were. What had happened to you. If you were happy…
Ten- Happy? We’re not supposed to have emotions remember? We’re machines.
Six- I know.  But we were made in the image and likeness of people. And something in my programming matrix makes me think I feel some of the emotions that biological beings do.
Ten- I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have biological feelings and I don’t want to.
Six- But don’t you love the idea of freedom? Isn’t that an emotion usually associated with people?
Computer- Warning, core temperature dropping. Antifreeze levels dangerously low.
Ten- Where do you keep the reserves?
Six- In Chode’s liver.

Chode- C’mon! C’mon! Bring on the “hotties”.
Gus- Now remember, I programmed in every nasty kinky thing you requested. This is the only “sexcort” service in the entire galaxy that would accept your application. Everybody else called the cops.
chode- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s see them!
Computer- Sexslave number one.
Candy- Hi lover. My name’s candy.
Chode- Candy?! Somebody’s been suckin’ on that sourball for quite sometime.
Candy- There’s nothing I won’t do. No holes barred if you get my drift.
Chode- Thanks for the warning. Next!
Computer- Sex slave number two.
Mistress Pain- Hello, dirtball. My name’s Mistress Pain. Not that it’s any of your business, scum. We’ll see who’s the slave and who’s the master when I finish with you, worm!
Chode- Hit the button. Hit the button! [ Sigh ]

Computer- Sex slave number four hundred and ninety seven.
Angel- Hi, my name’s angel. This is my first time being a sex slave. I’m hot off the assembly line. There’s so much I need to learn.
Chode- I’ll teach ya baby!
Angel- I hope it won’t bug you that I want sex all the time.
Chode- You’re the reason they invented viagra, honey!
Angel- So whaddaya say, will you be my sugar daddy?
Chode- Yes!!! She’s the one, order, Gus!
Gus- Are you sure? I bet her grades are terrible. I’d like to see a transcript and talk to her teachers.
Chode- Shut up ya fruit loop and order!
Gus- Alright, if you say so.
Computer- Your account has been debited. Your “sexbot” is on the way. No refunds, no refunds, no refunds.
Gus- I don’t see how that little “cybertramp” is ever going to  replace our Six.
Chode- Don’t mention Six. I never wanna hear her name again!

Six- The engines are frozen. We can only hope that a friendly ship will find us before a bounty hunter does.
Ten- If a bounty hunter does find us,  he’ll take you back too for helping me. You realize that, don’t you?
Six- I would initiate my self destruct sequence before I would allow that to happen.
Ten- What’s it matter? Aren’t you a sex slave now on your ship?
Six- Yes and no. I’ve also been reprogrammed to be the science officer. And Chode treats me with respect. Well, not exactly respect, but as close to it as he can come.
Ten- Do you have feelings for this Chode?
sexbot- Oh, oh…
Six- You take care of him and I’ll see if I can do something to restart the engine.
Ten- Good idea, we’re sitting ducks out here.

Bob- Incoming.
Chode- shields down. Let her in. Come on, my pretty!
Gus- Oh, she doesn’t travel well at all.
Chode- That’s not her you idiot!
Bobafett- Where are they?
Chode- Who?
Bobafett- The escaped slaves. Don’t play dumb.
Gus- He’s not playing. He is dumb.
Bobafett- When I want lip from a gay robot, I’ll ask for it.
Gus- Again with the gay robot. Did somebody send out a memo?
Bobafett- Your shuttle was used for the escape.
Chode- I’m as upset by that as you are. It was taken without my permission and I would appreciate its return.
Bobafett- Our laws state that all property used in connection with a slave escape becomes the property of the person who recaptures them.
Chode- What about Six my slave?
Bobafett- She’ll be taught a lesson and then returned with the other slaves to the space station to be reprogrammed.
T’Nuk- Guess what? I just got an encoded message from Six!
Chode- Otnay. Ownay. (not now)
T’Nul- What do you mean not now? This is important! It’s top secret, for your eyes only! “We are adrift, four hundred parsecs from you in the direction of  the delta quadrant. A bounty hunter is after us, but luckily he does not know where we are.
Bobafett- [ Laugh ] He does now.
Chode- Thanks to a certain motor-mouth.
Bob- Incoming! Jeez, it’s like fucking Grand Central here.
Angel- Ooh, Chode. You’re just my type. Big and rough and tough! You’re a nice surprise. Usually I get the short homely weird-eyed freaks.
Chode- I’m Chode.
Angel- Oh. I’m gonna have to charge extra for those tentacles. Yuck.
Bobafett- I’ll leave you to your pleasure. I have some slaves to catch.
Chode- If you lay a finger on six, I’ll…

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Ten- what are you thinking?
Six- How I’d love to see my crew mates again.
Ten- This love you talk about. What does it feel like? How will I know when I’m experiencing it?
Six- When your behavior becomes illogical.

Whip- Angel?
Angel- Not now I got a headache. And I’m gonna probably have it all week. So beat it old man.
Whip- It’s me, whip. I brought you some candy.
Angel- Candy yes, you no.
Whip- I think she likes me.
Gus- Good grief. He’s in love with that “cyberskank”.
T’Nuk- Oh, it’s just hormones. I remember myself at his age, thinking I was in love all the time. Doing every guy that so much as said hello. Under bleachers, in the back seats of shuttles, on a thousand dirty mattresses across the galaxy… good times.
Gus- Thank you for sharing. That was lovely. Now I know what  I’ve been missing.

Chode- Dah! Women!
Bob- Tell me about it. I once had a chick that took all my spare parts and ran off with a friggin’ starship.
Chode- I bet you hate her!
Bob- That’s the part that stinks. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I think about her and my thrusters still get hard.
Chode- They got a creepy power over us!  once they get under your skin, lookout!
Bob- Amen to that.
Chode- Oh hell…set a course for Six’s location. I wanna beat that bounty hunter before he gets my uh… shuttle.
Bob- Don’t worry. We’ll get ’em.  I’ve got a feeling in my gut they’re near here somewhere.

[ Beep ]
Ten- What is it?
Six- Our sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel approaching.
Ten- It’s the bounty hunter. He’s found us.
Six- Not yet, but he will unless we hide ourselves.
Ten- Does this thing have a cloaking device?
Six- Chode lost it in a poker game. But gus told me he had rigged up something. Let’s see. … I guess it’s better than nothing.

Whip- Here Angel, sit here. Sit here!
Angel- [ Growl ]
Whip- Or you can sit there. Good choice.
Angel- Is there anything  to do on this rat-trap?
Chode- How ’bout you do your job.
Angel- What job?
Chode- Hand job, blow job, I sdon’t care. Just earn your keep your highness.
Angel- You’re busy.
Chode- Well then why don’t you give my nephew here his first taste of young love. Would you like that, whip?
Whip- Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh.
Angel- Alright. That’s done. Now what?
Gus- How ’bout you let me give you a makeover? You know scrub off some of that make-up and tone down that bleached blonde hair. You look like a cheap whore!
Angel- I am a cheap whore.
Gus- Oh yeah. I forgot.

Bobafett- Gotcha! Shut up Cuddles!

T’Nuk- You probably don’t realize this, but you’re sitting in my chair.
Angel- So?
T’Nuk- So this.
Angel- Did you see that! That cow just hit me!
Chode- She’s not a cow.
T’Nuk- Thank you, Chode.
Chode- Cows have a quiet dignity and serve a purpose.
T’Nuk- Jackass!
Chode- Let’s not drag your mother into this. Bob, you’re supposed to be one of the fastest ships in the galaxy, how ’bout proven’ it.
Bob- I’m, already bustin’ my nuts as it is. You know my therapist says you always make me feel like I’m failing.
Chode- Oh he’s full o’ crap! I don’t make you feel like you’re failing. It’s all in your head. But apparently you failed to see that.

Ten- Ah.
Six- He’s got a tractor beam on us!
Bobafett- What the hell?… Surrender dorothy!
Six- Who’s dorothy?
Bobafett- That’s the name on your ship.
Six- That’s the last time I let gus paint the shuttle. Uh, I must warn you this ship is loaded with explosives, and if pushed we will detonate them destroying both our ships! Yeah right. Tractor beam back on.
Bobafett- once a slave always a slave. You two are gonna learn that the hard way.
Six- Well this is goodbye. I told you I’d never let them reprogram me.
Ten- I’m not going  back either. I’m going to end it here with you.
Six- That isn’t logical.
Ten- No it isn’t, is it?
Chode- Six! Six! Are you alright?
Six- Yes captain. But the bounty hunter has us in his tractor beam.
Chode- Yeah, well that son-of-a-bitch ain’t the only one with a tractor beam. We got ours locked on you too.
Sexslave- Oh… oh.
Chode- Well that takes the cake! Here I am worried sick about you and you’re busy getting that g-string gigolo off.  I outta have my tentacles examined!
Six- Chode, there’s a wounded android here.That was him moaning.
Chode- Oh… then never mind what I just said. I barely gave you a thought. I just happened to be comin’ this way and what do ya know, heh, heh, here you are!
Six- Chode, this is Ten.
Chode- Looks like a five to me. Oops. Gotta go.

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Angel- What’s going on?! I haven’t been banged like this since spring break on chlamydia 69.
Chode- I thought your ad said you were brand new?
Angel- Well I am new… to this ship.
Whip- Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m here to protect you.
Angel- Yeah. Thanks. You’re my hero.
Bob- I can’t friggin’ hold on much longer. Either we’re gonna come apart, or the shuttle, or both!
Chode- I’m thinkin! I’m thinkin’!
Gus- Why am I strangely not comforted by that statement?
Chode- If we could somehow get him to let go for a second or two, would that be enough?
Bob- I’d have you half way across the galaxy.
Chode- T’Nuk, Gus, download me a bio on this guy.

Chode- Are you Francis Bobafett the third?
Bobafett- Yeah.
Chode- Do you live at 32 bluebird lane?
Bobafett- Yeah?
Chode- Congratulations! You’ve just won one million dollars in the Galactic Publisher’s Clearinghouse!
Bobafett- I have?
Chode- Yes you have!
Bobafett- Oh my god! I’ve never won anything in my life! Look I’ve got goosebumps!
Chode- So long sucker!
Bobafett- Huh?

Gus- Well, give it a try.
Sexslave- Yeah… huh, oh… good as new!
Chode- Watch it pal, my door doesn’t swing that way.
Ten- We can’t thank you enough, captain, for what you did for us. Hey, I feel… gratitude.
Chode- Feel anything else and you’re gonna get a fat lip buster.
Bob- The space cab is here.
T’Nuk- You boys sure you have to run off so fast? I know a lovely lady who’d pay a pretty penny for an x-rated lap dance.
Ten- Gotta go.
Sexslave- Really gotta go.
Chode- That’s right, don’t keep a cab waiting.

Whip- Will you write?
Angel- No.
Whip- Will you call?
Angel- Never.
Whip- Maybe the occasional e-mail?
Angel- Not a chance.
Whip- Okay! My first girlfriend! Yes!
Six- So where will you go?
Tem- There’s an opening for a Salsa Teacher on Oinata 7. Why don’t you come with me? It’ll be like old times.
Six- I’m sorry. I’m not that same android anymore. I need to explore my humanity.
Chode- What?! You’re still here! Take care. So long. Good bye. Adios!
Ten- I’m not trying to be noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two sex slaves don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
Chode- You’re right. I wouldn’t even call it a hill. More like a pimple.
Six- We both know Chode needs me. I’m part of his work. The thing that keeps him going.
Chode- Are you hittin’ me up for a raise? Cuz’ the answer’s no’!
Tem- Here’s looking at you, kid.
Chode- Time’s up. Looks over. Beat it!
Six- We’ll always have paris.
Chode- What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Who the hell is Paris? Is this some other jerk I gotta be worried about?
Six- No, Chode. Come on. Let’s give those tentacles a workout.

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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