Tripping the Rift: Transcript: S02E03: Honey I Shrunk The Crew
Bob’s Opening Line: Guys, either Bobo’s on the screen, or we just ran over shields and yarnell!
Bobo is watching TV
Bobo: “Elimi-mate,” my favorite.
Male Contestant: All right, Nicole… are you looking for a boyfriend, or just a good time?
Nicole: Definitely a boyfriend!
Male Contestant: Wrong answer.
He shoots Nicloe
Male Contestant: Amanda, same question.
Bobo: laughs riotously Oh, yeah…
Bobo: If only we’d met on a dating show… what?
Bernice: What the hell is this?
Bobo: It’s the credit card bill. What, you lose the ability to read? Let me know when you lose the ability to open your mouth and spew venom, ’cause that I don’t want to miss.
Bernice: Cut the crap! What was going through that brain of yours when you decided it was okay to run up over 30,000 kronigs on our credit card?
Bobo: Sorry to burst your bubble, honey, but you’re yellin’ at the wrong guy. I didn’t do it.
Bernice: Oh, really? Afromuff.Com, “Voracious Vixens,” “Chicks Gone Wild 55,423,” case of hand lotion, ass waxing… oh, wait, that was mine. 50,000 kronigs at gambling sites, the complete “My Favorite Martian” dvd box set, season two!
Bobo: It wasn’t me. You’re the one with the thing for Bill Bixby.
Bernice: I liked him in “Courtship of Eddie’s Father” and now I got a thing for him? I know it was you. No one else has access!
Jupiter 42 – Bridge=============================
Chode: (laughing) With this credit card, I’m livin’ large, baby. I’m livin’ large! So, what do ya feel like watchin’ tonight, “Little Oral Fannie” or “Children of the Corn Hole?”
Chode: Ohhh… all right, fine, fine, fine. We’ll rent another chick-flick. How about “Glad-He-Ate-Her”? You happy now?
Six: No one would give you a credit card. How can you charge it?
Chode: I hacked into Darph Bobo’s computer and stole his identity– his password was “I hate Bernice.” I mean, how obvious was that? What a rookie! I got his driver’s license, social security numbers, three different credit cards, his gym membership… hell, to the universe i’m pretty much him, but handsomer, of course.
Six: This isn’t right.
Chode: Yeah, well, neither is a freakin’ sexbot havin’ a conscience, but I put up with that, don’t I? Hey, hey, hey, anybody else want in on this?
Bobo’s Ship / India
Bernice: My mother warned me not to marry you!
Bobo: For once your mother and I agree.
Bernice: Just shut up and take care of these charges! Or else!
Bobo: Or else what? You gonna force me to sleep with you? ‘Cause there aren’t enough blindfolds and little blue pills in the universe to make that happen!
Bobo calls the credit card company in India
Abu: Thank you for calling, this is Abu Smith. How is it best that I might help you?
Bobo: I’d like to inquire about some strange charges on my bill.
Abu: I am being so sorry. I cannot be giving out that delicate informations, unless you are the person to whom I am speaking.
Bobo: What the hell does that mean?
Abu: It is being most imperative that you are calling from your home phone number.
Bobo: This is my home phone number! What the hell’s goin’ on?
Abu: I am being so sorry, but I cannot be answering that either.
Bobo: What’s my home number if this isn’t it?
Bobo writes down a phone number
Jupiter 42 – Bridge
T’Nuk: This thing’ll add a full cup size!
Bob: Is there such a thing as too much of a bad thing? I’ve always wanted to order something out of the back of comic books but never had the money.
Chode: What a waste! You shoulda got x-ray glasses or sea monkeys. What’d you get, Gus?
Six: You bought a vibrator?
Bobo: (On viewscreen) Snatch my credit card, will ya?
Bobo: Don’t deny it! I know all about your little “identity theft” scheme, and you are gonna pay!
Chode: N-n-no, see, that’s the beauty of it– you’re gonna have to pay.
Six: He’s right in front of us. Force fields up!
Bobo: Relax, I’m not going to fire on you. I need a punishment that fits the crime. Like, say, taking control of your ship!
Bob: He’s bluffin’. That would be impossible.
Six: He would need the password to gain access.
Whip: And there’s no way he could know your mother’s maiden name.
Bobo: She told me herself– screamed it as she reached orgasm.
Whip:You had sex with Grandma McGillicuddy?
Bobo: Double “l,” double “d”?
Whip:Oh, like, is there another way?
Chode: Bob, change the password, I repeat, change the password!
Bobo: You’re too late!
Chode: Bob, talk to me, tell me we’re all right!
Bernice-Bob: Are you kidding? You’re in a world of hurt!
Chode: Holy crap, you’ve turned Bob into Bernice.
Bobo: I couldn’t resist a little identity theft of my own. Ha ha ha ha! Your little scheme may have cost me a few bucks, but it’s going to cost you your sanity! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, and your lives.
Bernice-Bob: Ha ha! Hey, ass wipes… the ship will self-destruct in 10 minutes, which is a long time, considering it’s seven minutes longer than sex with my husband.
Chode: Okay, relax, everybody relax.
Chode: Good. Now, how the hell are we going to get the new password and stop the self-destruct sequence?
Six: According to my calculations, we can wrest control of the computer from bobo by penetrating the mainframe at the ship’s core, and, using an intricate, hypothetical, mathematical equation, circumvent the password and reset the operating system.
Chode: Blah, blah, blah. Anyone else got something that won’t bore us to tears? Huh? Anyone… anyone at all?
Whip: We can use my gun, the inshrinkerator! It can shrink anything, to any size.
T’Nuk: Like your brain to the size of a pea? Oh, wait. You’d need an enlargerator to pull that off.
Whip: No, really. We could get in the shuttle, shrink ourselves down, enter Darph’s body, and extract the new password from his brain.
Chode: Hmm… let’s see. I need to choose between the highly logical, technical plan that Six has come up with, and a plan that depends on a rinky-dink gadget from the back of a comic book. Sorry, Six, this is too important to trust to math. Besides, there’s no way a guy can resist shiny, high-tech gizmos.
Whip: For sure!
Gus: Oh, yeah. Us guys love high technology. I have always wondered what it would be like to be inside a man…
Jupiter 42 – Shuttle Bay
Chode: You sure you won’t come with us?
Six: You know, we talked about it, but we feel it’s much safer to remain on the ship that is about to self-destruct.
Shuttle is shrunk and leaves the ship
T’Nuk: We’re doin’ your plan, right?
Six: Would you rather let your life rest in the hands of an idiot, a closet-case, and a walking erection?
Surrender Dorthy – And Bobo’s Kitchen
Gus: There, we can enter through the dryer vent.
Bobo: If your mother told you not to marry me, why didn’t you listen to her? You woulda done us both a favor.
Bernice: What, and raise our daughter alone?
Bobo: You said you were on the pill!
Bernice: You said you would pull out!
The shrunk Surrender Dorthy flies around the kitchen table.
Bernice: Now we’re infested. How many times do I have to tell you to shut the screen door?
Bernice starts to sneeze
Chode: God, no, not her! Full power astern!
The shuttle is sneazed inseide Bobo’s body
Bobo: I may not remember to close the screen door, but at least I cover my mouth when I sneeze.
Chode: Where the hell are we?
Gus: I haven’t got my bearings, but somewhere in his head. It looks like we’re in his sinuses.
Chode: Whip, get us outta here, now!
Chode: What happened?
Whip: I think we’re stuck in his snot.
Gus: Well, it is the respiratory system’s flypaper.
Chode: Oh, shut up, will ya? We gotta get out of this muck.
Gus: Ooh, the level’s rising. Our friend here must have a cold.
Chode: A cold! Where’s the first aid kit on this thing?
The shuttle shoots/breaks free of the snot
Chode: Hey, Gus, are we back on track here?
Gus: By my navigational computations and knowledge of anatomy, the carotid artery should ferry us undeviatingly to the cerebellum where we–
Chode: (snoring) ah, geez, gus, now you’re startin’ to sound like Six. Lighten up.
Whip: It’s his white blood cells!
Gus: They attack any foreign body!
Chode starts shooting the white blood cells with the ships laser gun controls
Gus: (imitating alec guinness) use the force, Chode. Trust your f–
Chode: Would you shut up, I’m trying to fire here.
Gus: Oh… sorry.
Bernice: As soon as she graduates from high school, I’m outta here!
Bobo: Will you shut up for two frickin’ seconds? You’re giving me a migraine!
Jupiter 42 – Near an access panel
Bernice-Bob: Your piece-of-crap ship will self-destruct in six minutes.
Six: This is the only way to the ship’s core, and if I know bobo, he’s programmed bob–
Bernice-Bob: It’s bernice, you cyborg hose-hole!
Six: Bernice… to protect the mainframe.
T’Nuk tries to climb through the hole, and gets stuck
Six: It’s lined with heat sensors. Any variation in temperature, and the tunnel constricts.
T’Nuk: What are you doing?
Six is getting naked
Six: I must keep an even body temperature, or I’ll be expelled like toothpaste out of a tube. Good thing there’s no one here to see my hot, sexy, writhing, naked body pressed against the walls of this long, transparent cylinder.
T’Nuk: It’s too bad there isn’t a camera trained on you so millions of sci-fi geeks could get their kicks watching it.
Bobo’s Kitchen /Bobo’s Brain
Bernice: Next time someone steals your identity, tell ’em to do me a favor and come get the rest of you!
Chode: Damn, you can hear everything they’re sayin’. Hey, can you tap into the signal being sent from the optic nerve?
Chode: Wow, is your face that ugly…
Bobo: Or did you teach your sphincter to speak?
Bernice: How dare you talk to me like that!
Chode: I have complete control! I can make him say and do whatever I want.
Whip: The ultimate identity theft.
Chode: Hey, watch this, watch this… Hey, sailor bait, how ’bout droppin’ “trou” so I can…
Bobo: See if the rug matches the drapes?
Bobo: I didn’t say that. Why would I? I know they don’t match. “But you did say it.” I’m going crazy! “For you, it was a short trip.” Stop it! “No, you stop it.”
Bernice: Maybe I should leave you two alone.
Bobo: No, wait! You need to teach me a lesson. Bobo’s been a bad boy. A swift kick in the clown jewels should do it… noooo! (Screams)
Bernice kicks him extra hard in the balls.
Bobo: I… am… possessed.
Jupiter 42 – Access Tunnel
Bernice-Bob: God, you feel so good inside me… maybe it’s time I switch teams.
Six: Oh, no. Either the ship’s having an orgasm, or rubbing against the walls is causing my external temperature to rise. Quick–get some oil and lubricate me. It will reduce the friction.
Bobo’s Kitchen /Bobo’s Brain
Gus: Uh, Chode, I hate to interrupt your fun, but we have a ship to save.
Whip: All I have to do is access his memory and look for the password!
Chode: Okay, okay, just one more.
Bobo: Bernice, you ugly cow, I’ve been meaning to tell you– Bobo covers his mouth hmmm! Hm-hm-mmm-mmm-mmf! Your mother gave me a hummer!
Bernice: What did you say?
Bobo: Nothing! A hummer, you know, one of those giant S.U.V.S! pause Whore!
Bernice beats the shit out of him!
Bobo: Ow, oh, my shin!
Whip: Uncle Chode, we’re in.
Gus: We don’t have much time.
Chode: Put the memories on the screen.
Flashback to Bobo’s Childhood
Teacher: Are you sure it was Chode who was using this cheat sheet?
Bobo: I saw him do it.
Chode: That stoolie!
Gus: Fast forward, we’re still in his childhood. Hurry, we have less than a minute.
Bobo looks at a magazine of huge weapons
Bobo: Oooh… nice. one of these babies could turn my fledgling clown federation into a confederation killing machine! (Laughing)
Chode: Now we’ve tapped into his fantasy life. Keep goin’.
Sees a flashback of Bobo trying to smother Bernice with a pillow
Chode: We’re recording this, right? Okay, once this identity theft well runs dry,
I can move on to a little blackmail.
Gus: We’re not going to be doing much of anything if we don’t get that password! We’ve got 10 seconds.
Chode: Wait, go back, I saw something. There! Those numbers! That’s gotta be it! Access the Jupiter’s computer!
Whip: It’s not working, it doesn’t work! That’s not the password!
Gus: Three, two… one. (Oven bell rings) Poor Bob.
Chode: Ah, Six…
Gus: Six and Bob, that about covers it.
T’nuk: (on intercom) What about me, you jerk-offs?
Gus: T’nuk, are you in heaven?
T’nuk: What the hell? Six saved the ship. So get your asses back here, ’cause there’s going to be some big time gloating going on. Good job, Six.
Bob: Ditto. (Sound of drag on a cigarette) I just hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Six: It never is.
Chode: Let’s go home, Whip.
The shuttle tries to fly out the ear, but it crashes into an ear plug instead
Whip: Oh, my god, the passage is blocked.
Gus: Has the man not heard of a q-tip?
Chode: It’s not wax.
Bernice: My mother wouldn’t do that if she was a cat and you tasted like tuna fish! Are you listening to me?
Whip: We’re trapped!
Chode: Try his mouth, or his nose!
Gus: His mouth is closed, and his nose… we-we’ve been there.
Chode: So we wait until he opens his mouth. Knowin’ Bobo, that can’t be too long.
Six: Whip, did you happen to read the instructions for the inshrinkerator?
Whip: No self-respecting guy reads the instructions.
Chode: Geez, next you’ll wanna know if we asked for directions. Guys laughing
Six: Well, guys, there’s a warning here– something about the effects lasting only 20 minutes, and it’s very clear about this– not expanding inside a small space.
Six: Just thought you might want to know.
Guys: (screaming) Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Chode: Hold on a minute. What’s the big freakin’ deal? We expand inside of bobo and he looks like a thanksgiving parade balloon? Well… until he explodes.
Six: Again, if you expand in an area smaller than your original size, your molecules will bond with whatever impedes expansion.
Gus: It’s a good thing we’re not inside a fly, or we’d end up looking like jeff goldblum. Oooh… the horror.
Whip: This is worse! Think about it– we’ll be permanently joined with Darph Bobo.
Six: You wanted his identity, Chode, now you’ll have it.
Chode: Rrr… whip! If you hadn’t blabbed the password, then come up with this stupid plan, we wouldn’t be in this mess!
Six: Guys, I have an idea how to get you out. That is, if you want to hear it.
Chode: Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!
Six: You sure? It won’t have bells and whistles, or involve cool, cutting-edge technology.
Guys: All right, we’re sure.
Six: Then turn on your tracking beacon. Good… I need you to angle down 90 degrees. Bobo’s got an open wound on his shin. You should be able to exit there.
Chode: Hey, relax, guys, if anyone can get out of here, it’s Six.
Gus: What does she know about the intricacies of the male anatomy?
Chode: Ha, if anyone knows their way around a man’s body, it’s her. She does this thing with her tongue… y’know, right on the rim of your… yoooh, just thinkin’ about it makes me–
Gus: Chode, focus! We are about to explode!
Chode: My thoughts exactly.
Chode: Six, what the hell was that?
Six: You’ve landed in bobo’s stomach. You’ll pass through the upper digestive tract to the small intestine, where the shuttle will be absorbed into the bloodstream. Then you follow the arteries to bobo’s wound.
Whip: That thing about Rod Stewart was an urban legend, right? ‘Cause I’d hate to think we were floating in a gallon of undigested–
Chode: Six, get us outta here!
T’Nuk: Relax. If it were true, Six would need her stomach pumped on a weekly basis, right, Six?
Chode: Wait a minute, what’s that? The stomach acid’s eroding our hull!
Six: The opening is at the bottom… hurry!
The ship passes into the intenstines
Six: You’re going too fast to be absorbed. You’ve gone too far! You’ve got to go back! Go back!
Chode: She’s breaking up!
Chode: Let’s split up and take a look around. We’ve gotta find the problem.
Whip: It’s the antenna. It’s all gummed up with some kind of brown sludge.
Gus: (Sniffing) What’s that awful smell?
Chode: Sorry, silent but deadly. No, it’s worse than your flatulence…
Six: Chode, get out of there!
Chode: Where are we?
Six: In bobo’s colon!
Chode: (Screams) Great balls of feces! Run!
The ships moves forward outrunning the giant nugget of poop. It comes to a closed sphincter.
Chode: Six, what now? Our exit’s blocked!
Six: You could expand at any moment! There’s only one option.
Chode: Well, what the hell is it? This isn’t a good time to play 20 questions!
Bobo: Ohhhhh. Must be that damn spicy food. (Farts) whoa, that’s not good.
Surrender Dorothy – Bobo’s Colon
Whip: We’re going to be permanently fused with bobo’s ass!
Chode: Is that star lookin’ thing what I think it is?
Gus: Thank goodness, his anus!
Chode: What words are never uttered by a straight guy?
Six: When you get in range, fire your lasers!
They fires their guns at his asshole
Bobo: (Screams) I’m dying. I must be dying. (Fart sounds) Ahhhh.Bobo flushes the toilet into space.
Surrender Dorothy – Space
The shuttle expands to full size
Gus: Let’s do that last part again and again and again!
Jupiter 42 – Bridge
Six: Chode, I told you stealing someone’s identity was a terrible idea.
Gus: Yes, you nearly ended up with it permanently.
T’Nuk: We could’ve called ya Bode.
Whip: Or Darph Chobo.
Six: I just hope you learned something from all this.
Chode: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. That number we pulled out of his memory? Turns out it’s his debit pin number.
Clerk: Let’s see, one tube of preparation h, and a hemorrhoid donut. Is that all for you?
Bobo: Yeah, unless you got something that’ll cure my wife’s bitchiness.
Clerk: Well, if we did, we’d have a hard time keeping it in stock.
Bobo: Ha ha ha ha! Oof! I gotta start eating more fiber.
Clerk: How do you want to pay for this?
Bobo: Well, my credit card’s maxed out. You take debit?
The clerk swipes the card
Clerk: I’m sorry, it’s denied– insufficient funds.
Bobo: That’s impossible, I’ve got over 4,000 kronigs in that– Chode! Ooh! Ow… ow… ow… ow…
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