LEXX: S04E10: Magic Baby

The show opens with Stanley Tweedle lying (awake) on an operating table. He’s chatting with the surgeon and trying to persuade him that he doesn’t need surgery. Unfortunately the dude with the knife is unperturbed, he relates to Stanley the story of how he was once a ‘very sick’ patient when someone inadvertently mixed up his file and made him a doctor instead of a patient! Now that’s what I call bedside manner!

But just in the nick of time, the lovely Xev and the handsome dark assassin enter the operating theatre and shoot the nutty geezer (Still with his scalpel in his hand). After also dispatching a couple of meddlesome guards, the three heroes leave the mental hospital.

As they walk down the street a very weird English dude wearing a smock and driving a yellow car meets them. He speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent and is very pleased to have made their acquaintance, “The dark man! The Red Fool! The Dead Wun (one). I knew it! My name is Uther. My journey is complete.”

The trio accept is offer of a ride and they all drive off. Uther agrees to take them to a ship capable of traveling to the moon provided they agree to meet a colleague of his called Magrath. There is little our heroes can do, so they agree.

When they arrive at Cape Canaveral in Florida, Kai helps them ascend a space shuttle (which is conveniently primed for launch) and once inside the cockpit, he communicates with 790 on the LEXX to interface with the Shuttle computers. The ship takes off and Stanley, Xev, Kai, Uther and one of his hooded companions set off to rendezvous with the LEXX.

During the flight, Kai and Xev make themselves comfortable. But Uther reminds them that he has kept his part of the bargain and that now they must come with him to meet Magrath (meanwhile, Uthers hooded colleague continues to chant quietly).

“What do you guys want with us anyway?” Asks Stanley, “And why do you keep calling me the Red Fool?”

Uther smiles uncomfortably, “only the Red Fool would ask that.” (Great answer) “According to the ancient druidic code, when Mars and Venus disappear from the sky, the dark man… that’d be you guv,” he says with a nodding glance to Kai, “the Red Fool…. Bleedin’ obvious he is, and the dead one… hello luv,” he says to Xev politely, “Will walk the Earth.”

Stanley foolishly tried to reason with the druid pointing out that Xev wasn’t and that Kai was dead and, though less obviously, Stanley H. Tweedle was no fool. But the druid confidently relates an old druidic tale of prophecy, “The dead one is a beautiful woman clutched in the icy hands of death.”

He’s clearly a little puzzled why Xev should be alive and rants on about how the ancient druidic wisdom is difficult to comprehend at times (like English Rock songs). However, he points out that the trio must still accompany him to the feast of Magrath. It’s a big feast that takes place once every 1500 years in the great forests of Glastonbury (in England).

“A feast in a forest, ooo that sounds exciting.” Says Stanley sarcastically (clearly the dude doesn’t know what real fun is!)

“The last wun (one) were (was) fantastic, a real ripper (very pleasant).” Uther tells Stanley, “The dead are raised to join the living and they have a great big ol’ nosh-up (large feast) with their ancestors. It’s a terrific time.” Stanley reluctantly agrees to visit the feast after they have been to the LEXX and provided that no ‘funny stuff’ happens.

“Crickey!” Exclaims the druid, “No funny stuff happens at the feast of Magrath.” And you know what? He said that with a straight face AND they all believed him. That’s some party, a picnic in a dark, dank forest with lots of reanimated dead-people!

Eventually they arrive at the LEXX and we see the weirdest contraption that the Big Bug possesses. Have you ever wondered how a ship lands on the LEXX? Well it’s simple! There is a sort of creature like a big sea octopus with lots of tentacles that catch the ship and hold it securely on a sort of landing pad. Any sane pilot would have died of a heart attack.

But the druid is not impressed, he mentions that the spaceship (either the LEXX or the Space Shuttle) are as powerful as ‘old ‘olly’ (Old Holly, his staff).

When Stanley tries to explain that the staff is simply a piece of wood, the druid says, “It’s not just any piece ol’ wood mate. It were (was) carved long ago from the magic ‘Olly (Holly) tree,” he says holding the staff erect in his hand. The imagery is not lost on Xev, who fondles the Druids staff tenderly. “It puts your big bug ship to shame doesn’t it?” Adds the druid rather naively.

“Yeah sure,” Adds Stanley, “Can your stick blow up a planet?”
“Have you always been a druid?” Asks Xev.

After complaining that ‘the dead one asks a lot of questions’ Uther explains that he used to be a guy called Nigel Bumpson from a town in Yorkshire called Bradford. “I started out as a singer/drummer or drummer/singer in a rock and role band, The Walter Louis Five. You could call it a sort of souped-up skiffle for teddy boys actually. But we definitely had a bit of the old Mersey Magic (a type of song that came out of Liverpool (on the river Mersey) at the time of the Beatles) especially on ‘Oh Candy How Could You’. Great tune that were (was). Well, the Walter Louie Five broke up amid, yer know, creative differences but for me it were like fate because I moved onto the super group, Mind Grind. You might have heard of our hit song, Magic Magic Baby?”

“No”, says Stanley, “We didn’t get that one on the Cluster.”

Uther then goes on to explain that he became a druid after his girlfriend slipped him some acid, “It was like all me past lives opened up like flowering petals before me.” He continued, “The door to me past was swung wide open and I knew, I truly knew that I was not just Nigel Bumpson, the singing drummer from Bradford but that I had always been the knight and warrior, Uther of Glastonbury.”

Stanley looks on in disbelief. Xev looks on enthralled and in the background the hooded figure of Uthers companion continues to chant quietly.

“After I got out of rehab I quit the band, sold me old drum kit and within a fortnight (two weeks) I was deciphering the runes of the old druidic code and I’ve been on a journey ever since.” Concludes Nigel.

A little while later, they learn from 790 that Lyekka and Huffert must have had the key to the LEXX as they did blow up two planets (Venus and Mars). Stanley vainly tries to get the LEXX to recognise him, but since he hasn’t got the key anymore, it ignores him. They also realise quickly that Vlad is still on the ship and that if Lyekka and Huff managed to release her/it from the cryo chamber it would be a very bad thing!

They all go and check to make sure that Vlad is still there – and she is. But not for long. A few moments later (when everyone has left) Vlads cryo-chamber opens as if pre-programmed.

Xev has managed to persuade Uther to visit her in her bedroom, though I guess it’s not to discuss his life as Nigel Bumpson. She’s seems interested in his druidic tale or more likely in discovering the magical qualities of his long druidic shaft.

Vlad finds the Moth chamber and bites one of the Moth Breeders. It becomes her slave.

Meanwhile, the ex-rock star is serenading Xev and launches into the song ‘Magic Baby’:

{As you know, old English Rock Songs have a charm of their own which is possibly a little too subtle for most non-english rock fans. I have therefore translated these three short verses for you and I believe I have captured the essence of the subtle phrases – exactly as the musician intended. }

Xev jumps off the bed and watches horrified as Vlad’s incisors grow. She uses her vampirish charm on the poor Uther and gives him just enough of a suck to ensure that he is (for the rest of his short life) her complete servant.

Then Vlad turns to Xev and asks the whereabouts of Kai. When Xev refuses to tell her, Vlad mentions that Xev can’t be enslaved because her blood is different from humans. In a very painful scene, we then see the vicious Vlad shoot Xev in he lovely belly with her handy wrist gadget. Xev falls to the floor, blood trickling from her mouth …. dead.

Kai, Stanley and 790 return from a failed expedition to see if they can kick-start the LEXX without the key. They visit the Moth chamber and find that all the moths are dead. They have been killed by Vlads handy wrist gadget.

They eventually find Xev in her bedroom. A distraught Stanley attempts to freeze Xev in the hope that they may still be able to revive her later. 790 is still on the bridge and the chanting druid (with the staff) is in the cryo-chamber with Stanley and Kai (and a rapidly freezing Xev). After a tearful farewell, they leave.

Vlad reaches the Bridge and when 790 refuses to tell her where Kia is, she throws him/it over the side. She soon spots Kai and Stanley on a lower level however, and swoops down to confront him.

Kai tells Stanley to run, but the cowardly Red Fool is reluctant. The chanting druid stops chanting and foolishly tries to attack Vlad with his big stick. Vlad dispatches him pretty quickly, but his dying words to Stanley are, “The staff has the power Stanley. The Staff has the power!”

But before Stanley can completely ignore the dude and escape in a Moth, the Vlad-slave Uther returns and wrestles Stanley in an arm-lock. After some clever and selfless maneuvering, Kai manages to fire his handy wrist gadget and kill Uther, but he is, in turn, caught by Vlad.

790 shouts for Stan. The poor robot head is very upset at Kai’s impending death (non-existance etc.). They both attempt to leave the LEXX and fly off in one of the Shuttles. Unfortunately, two slave moth breeders stow away and as they fly off, they capture Stanley and the robot head and take them back to the bridge. There they find the lovely, vicious Vlad about to use her protoblood-sucking-protrusion to suck out the last bit of of Kai’s life.

As she does so, she seems to jitter and twitch. Her slaves also jitter and twitch. It’s as though the process of sucking protoblood makes Vlad vulnerable. Stanley seizes the moment to attack her with the staff. Seemingly, all that is needed is for him to touch her with it and she literally falls apart – Vlad is no more!

We don’t learn why the staff seems to have so much power, but it doesn’t seem to be able to bring Xev back to life. Unfortunately the protein gizmo in the cryo-chamber room isn’t able to help either.

Stanley whimpers “Good-bye Xev” as he closes the cryo chamber until he can find a cure for her death. And there the show ends.

Welp, not the best LEXX episode but still worthy of a 26,944 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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