LEXX: S04E03: P4X
This was a terrific episode; I’d have to say, one of the best so far (in all the series). It opened with a shot of hundreds of those star like objects flying towards the earth. In fact the looked like really big carrots… with legs.
Back on Earth, the headquarters of the dreaded ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms), keep the young schoolboy and Stanley captive in one of its larger meeting rooms. Stanley and the schoolboy make conversation. Prince looks on in the distance (from the ground).
Meanwhile, Xev has been taken to a women’s prison and is taken to see the prison warder’s wife (played by Hattie Hayridge who previously played Holly in the series Red Dwarf). Xev is being enrolled into the prison because she is suspected of having killed Rooster and his pals. In the wackiest example of a Texan accent that I’ve ever heard, the warder’s wife tries to ask Xev some questions.
She then went on to explain that Xev would be there for at least 25 years to life (“twenty five of our Earth years that is.”) She smiles maliciously as she hands Xev a pair of fresh ladies panties and tells her to put them on. “It don’t matter if you like ‘em or naat.” She said, “you wont be wearing them laowng.”
High upon the wall, a security camera scrutinised Xev’s every movement. She was being monitored by a rather attractive but equally evil looking young lady, who pawed, licked and kissed the screen as if eagerly anticipating Xev’s long incarceration.
Then, just as it was getting interesting, we see a scene where a clergyman is entering the prison compound. He walks up to the door and knocks politely. We don’t see who enters but the lady behind the door makes it very plain that she doesn’t like the clergy (or what they stand for) and grabs at him, pulling him into the room.
At the ATF Bureau, Stanley tries to make conversation with the young schoolboy (called Digby, and played expertly by Ryan Cooley). Stan couldn’t help brag about being the captain of the most powerful weapon in the two universes. He explained how the LEXX works and more importantly, it is controlled. Unwittingly, he tells the schoolboy all about the key without realising that Prince is listening and watching from a distance.
Kai meanwhile, is with Dr. Ernst Longbore and his young scientist companions. Kai is able to broadcast a message into space and 790 responds immediately, “Oh, breath of death. Breath life into me again.”
Kai asks to speak to Stanley, but 790 explains that he is on Earth, taken there by Prince. Kai tries to leave, but Dr. Longbore reminds Kai of his promise to help them leave Earth, and in yet another immortal line, Longbore says, “Clearly, the dead do not keep their promises!” (They don’t make suggestions, have preferences….. and they don’t poo either!).
For some strange reason, Kai feels obliged to keep his promise and he persuades 790 to relay all the information that Longbore and his team require to make a spaceship capable of flying them to another planet. He also tells 790 to locate Xev and Stanley.
The next scene was probably heavily censored (but still excellent!). Xev is in the prison shower where she is erm… having a shower.
When she’s finished she cups her breasts discretely and is told to wear a prison uniform rather than her cluster lizard outfit. The warder’s wife refuses to let her wear her own clothes.
790 manages to locate Stanley Tweedle hung on a wall at the ATF. Kai tells the robot head to find his precise location.
Prince decides to join Stan and the young boy using a mechanical hoist. Prince has been monitoring the conversation with Stan and the boy and decides that his best course of action is to test out the theory that the LEXX key will transfer itself to another person if Stanley should be killed.
“Who shall I drop to his death first,” he says with a beaming smile, “the security guard class 45, or the pathetic little science student.”
“The pathetic little science student!” Exclaims Stanley immediately.
Prince smiles and eagerly tells Stan of his theory. He intends to drop Stanley to his death and watch the Key fly from Stan to either the boy or himself. “And I am about to test that theory right now by removing your supports and dropping you to your death on the concrete floor below.” Says Prince enthusiastically.
Prince begins to remove the supports holding Stanley to the wall but a quick thinking Stan tells Prince that the key wont go into him because he is not ‘really alive’. Prince objects, “I think I’m really alive.” He complains.
“But you’re not sure are you.” Says Stanley clutching at straws.
“Perhaps. Still, this is an awfully good way to find out!” Replies Prince with a big grin. He releases the clasps that hold Stanley and just as Stan is about to drop, we briefly see 790 looking at the LEXX main screen. I think that the robot head managed to do something, as one of the clasps on the wall re-activated and Stan was able to clutch at it and stop himself from falling. Stanley hangs precariously from a clasp knowing all too well that if he should loosen his grip, he would surely fall to his death. The LEXX Key meanwhile, had already decided that Stan was a bad bet and flown off into the body of the young boy. (Traitor!)
Things are looking just as weird in the women’s prison. A group of rather attractive lady prisoners are sat on benches being dictated to by the warden. No really, he’s simply talking to them and making them write his words down on paper (wadda pervert!!). The ladies are writing a short letter pretending to be young girls. The letter is to accompany a pair of used knickers (panties) that the prisoners have worn for (and presumably posted for) people who like that sort of thing. The ladies patiently write down the words as the Warden (played by Craig Charles, know to most of us as Lister from Red Dwarf) reads them out. You get the impression that his heart isn’t really in his job. Getting the ladies to write this stuff doesn’t seem too interesting to him either. In fact he looks bored.
“I am a junior in high school,” The warden continues, “I have no boyfriend because I study all the time….”
“How do you spell school?” Asks one of the prisoners (aw sweet).
The warden spells the word and mentions to the girls not to worry about the spelling, “….do you think they read the letters?! All they want is your panties to do whatever they…… I don’t really want to think about it. All you need to know is that inmates in this facility, will not receive clean underwear unless they have handed in their old ones with one of these nice little letters attached. Do I make myself clear?”
The warden goes on to finish his dictation when suddenly his daughter enters the room. Her eyes are fixed on Xev and she says, “You’re lovely.” Then she turns to her father and says, “And you’re sick!” LEXXians will know the daughter as the lovely but completely crazy Goth, lesbian weirdo sex chic called Lomea from the Season Two episode, Twighlight. In this episode she is also called Lomea, surely that can’t be a coincidence.
The warden explains to his salivating daughter that Xev is from the planet B3K (in other words she’s crazy) and that she has already killed four people. “I hope you enjoy my panties…” He continues as the lady prisoners scribble down his words diligently. Except Xev.
Suddenly the lovely Warden’s wife shouts, “Off with your panties!” And as the prisoners politely oblige by starting to undress. The warden looks completely disinterested while this is happening and promptly notices that Xev has not been taking down his words. She quietly, but firmly explains that she is leaving and begins to walk off. Then she’s arrested and taken to a holding cell and Lomea follows under the disapproving gaze of her father.
“Whatever it is that goes on in that girls mind comes entirely from your side of the family.” He says to his wife.
“She’s no daughter o’mine. She comes from some kinda parallel Universe.” She replies surprisingly accurately.
“And you don’t?” Questions the Warden.
Stanley Tweedle meanwhile, is desperately clinging to a wall bracket suspended at least 100 feet from the ground. Prince needs to kill Stanley before he can kill the boy and take the key for himself. Surprisingly, young Master Digby wants to kill Stanley himself. In an interesting twist, Digby tells Prince that he wants to cut Stanley’s fingers off.
Isembard Prince is impressed and releases the eager Digby. As the boy boards the mechanical hoist we see that he has a handy wrist gadget. Not quite as handy as Kai’s, in fact it’s just a single blade, you know the sort of thing, a child’s flick-knife that pops out of a watch – just the gadget we always wanted when we were little and which was not only totally impossible to buy, but totally impossible to get your parents to buy for you. Still, this is set in the near future. Maybe parents are a little more understanding and buy their kids really useful stuff instead of those stupid games like Monopoly and Cluedo.
The lucky little kid not only has a handy watch flick-knife gadget, but he also knows how to use it. He deploys the pointy end with great effect and the evil geezer falls to the ground, dead.
But instead of helping the dangling Stanley, Digby simply uses the mechanical hoist to lower himself to the ground. He swipes Prince’s security card and uses it to escape while Stanley screams for him to come back.
In the ladies prison, Xev is attacked by a group of inmates and the wonderfully wicked Lomea and the hapless love-slave is taken away.
Stan, still desperately hanging to the wall bracket comes up with a bright idea. He takes off one of his boots and throws it almost a hundred feet (down) hoping to knock the switch on the mechanical hoist and make it rise towards him. His hope, is that he will be able to jump aboard and lower himself to safety. The boot misses the switch and falls impotently to the ground. Unperturbed, Stan takes off his other boot. He throws it towards the hoist and it hits the right button and the mechanical saviour begins to rise – what amazing luck Now if that was us, we would still be there dangling without any boots, and probably any clothes.
Stanley jumps onboard and lowers himself to the ground. He taunts the dead body of Prince, lying prostrate on a concrete block. “So, you were mortal after all.” Says Stanley smugly, “Weren’t you Prince.”
Prince opens his eyes. “Don’t be so sure Stanley. However, I do now have a better understanding of the word pain.” He manages to stand up with nothing more that a severe backache and tells Stan that they must stop the boy.
Xev is still in Prison, but now she is in the care of the crazy Goth chic. However, Lomea has placed a small spotlight on Xev and has asked her to tell her life story. Apparently, the story is being broadcast across the Internet and is able to be picked up by 790. The robot informs Kai and they all watch enthralled.
Dr. Longbore and his student friends explain that the broadcast comes from P4X, a pirate Internet broadcaster and that the origin will be difficult to trace since P4X change their servers regularly.
Xev ends her story by telling the world about her bad luck with geezers. “…. every time I am close to love, something goes wrong. I’m not a love slave, I’m a loveless slave.” She complains, “I have a perfect body, but I cannot find myself a man….” (yes she can, she just keeps finding weird ones!)
Kai insists that 790 locate the signal and he does so, begrudgingly. And we listen to the poor little love-slave bitching tearfully about how she can’t get enough, “Every time I go to sleep I dream of being wet and naked in bed with a strong and well-equipped man….” Oh good grief, don’t we all. Erm… I mean erm.. with a weak and well-endowed woman.
790 manages to locate Xev’s signal and Kai leaves. He tells them that he may be back. The screen shows Xev in tears… “Someday, maybe I’ll find him.” Then she blubbers some more. ‘I’m over here you silly woman!’ I hear you shout!
Young Digby is wondering around the ATF complex and stumbles into a guard. He feigns tears and tells the ATF guard that he can’t find his father. He shows the guard Prince’s security badge and the guard rushes off to a telephone. As his back is turned Digby pulls the gun from out of his pocket and points it menacingly at the guard. Digby then demands that he tell him where the Moth is located. Digby learns that the Moth is actually in the same room as Prince and Stanley, the room that he himself was in for so many weeks. This room may be cavernous, but it’s hard to miss someone flying in a giant Moth and parking it in the corner. Digby then decides to shoot the guard. Two other guards arrive and Digby shoots them too, then he takes their guns.
Prince shows Stanley the location of the Moth. It seems that it’s the only way they can get out of the room. Digby has the security card so the only method of escape is to fly the Moth through a big trapdoor in the roof.
In the women’s Prison, Xev has been stripped to her underwear (for some strange reason she is wearing a padded bra!). Her legs and arms have been spread apart and she has been tied down. Lomea is licking a camera lens and watching the image of her tongue on the TV monitor (as you do). Then we find out what the evenings entertainment is really about. Lomea sees from the computer that there are a million visitors to the web broadcast, Xev’s story has certainly wetted their appetite. Lomea and her assistants check Xev’s straps and make her ready for her terrible ordeal. And terrible it is! For not only is Xev about to be ravaged in front of a million Internet perverts (only a million?!) but she is about to be ravaged by non other, than the visiting clergyman. This of course, spells complete disaster for the clergy dude who doesn’t want to bonk the hapless and restrained semi naked, writhing, ‘totally ready-for-it’ Xev, he wants to stay faithful to some vestal-bloody-virgin type! Wadda plonker!
The clergyman is dressed in leather straps and other bondage type things and is desperately trying to escape his impending ordeal. He is lowered above Xev and he tells her how he really doesn’t want to do this. Poor Xev can’t even trap a bloke. All this is being watched on Internet TV.
In the bedroom, the warden is also watching and he recognises Xev and the face of his unloving daughter. He and his wife get dressed and go to look for them.
Digby finally manages to find the room with the Moth and enters, killing the guards. He picks up their weapons and puts them in a plastic carrier bag (full of other weapons he’s collected). He sees Stan and attempts to shoot him, but when his gun jams, he decided to leave Stan and run off to the Moth. He gets inside and begins his accent to the opening in the roof. Prince calls out to Stan to push a nearby blue button. Stanley does so and the opening in the roof begins to close. Digby is taunting Stanley with his new found power and far too excited about his imminent escape and adventure to notice. The Moth bumps into the roof and Digby falls to the ground. The LEXX Key, sensing the boy’s demise, leaves his hand and heads towards Prince. Prince holds out his hand expectantly, but the key weaves around him and heads back to its rightful master, Stanley Tweedle. Stan is pleased to receive the key back, but his smile is wiped from his face as a whole bunch of Prince’s ATF guards arrive and point their automatic handguns at his face.
Kai manages to find the women’s prison where Xev is being held captive and meets up with the warden and his wife who are looking for Lomea. Kai persuades the warden to take him to Xev (by holding the pointy end of his handy wrist gadget to the wardens throat).
Lomea is excitedly directing her on-line porno movie. The innocent clergyman dressed in bondage gear is lowered onto the eager but still slightly apprehensive Xev. Suddenly Kai, the warden and his wife enter the room. The wardens wife asks the clergyman to identify himself, “I was doing my mission, spreading a life of joy.” He said pathetically while suspended provocatively between Xev’s open legs. “… I was abducted by her,” he nodded towards Lomea, “with the rest of them.”
“The rest of who?” Asked the warden. And the poor clergy geezer gestured to a ledge high on the wall where, bound and tied, were a large number of other scantily-clad, bondage-draped young geezers. Lomea had certainly been busy!
Lomea tried to explain that she was working on an Internet project to make some money. The warden realised quickly, that they were in trouble and that the whole family should get in the car and head off down the highway.
Later, the clergyman says his goodbyes to Xev and Kai and leaves them a bible.
“What’s this.” Asks Xev.
“It is called a book.” Replies Kai.
“What is it?”
“It is called a book. Books contain useful information….. Sometimes….” Says Kai informatively. “And interesting stories….. less often.” He concludes correctly.
Kai tells Xev that they must go to Washington to rescue Stanley Tweedle.
The episode ended with the view of the warden and his family motoring down a deserted road. They are complaining about their lot in life when his wife suddenly orders the warden to stop. The car screeches to a halt and she gets out. She had spotted something moving and wanted to take a look.
She leaves Lomea and the warden in the car. A few yards away she comes across a strange looking mechanical device that seems to move of it’s own free will. It is shaped and coloured like a big carrot but with four spindly legs which it uses to get around. The contraption looks at her with almost the same fascination that she looks at it. She bends down to take a closer look when suddenly she screams out loud and clutches her bum. (?!)
The warden hears her shout and goes after her. He too finds the mechanical carrots and is just as intrigued and as he bends down to take a look, one of the mechanical carrots moved behind the warden and after a brief look at his rear-end, it launched itself at his bum and disappeared!
I was stunned. Where the hell did it go? The answer quickly became apparent, as the warden writhed around in agony on the ground clutching his bum. Yes, these are no ordinary mechanical carrots, they are, in fact, faggot carrots, mechanical bum-bandits. The warden and his wife suffered a close encounter of the anal mechanical vegetable kind and it seems unlikely that they will recover!
Lomea hears the demise of her parents and decides to drive off, “Goodbye creeps.” She says unsympathetically.
The show ends with a picture of Stanley Tweedle re-fixed to the wall of the ATF main meeting room and a mischievous 790 controlling the brackets that hold him there. They open and close sporadically and the robot head giggles as Stanley screams in fear.
Wadda Whopper. This was a great show! It was wonderful to see Hattie Hayridge and Craig Charles, it was wonderful to see Xev naked in the shower, it was also wonderful to see the evil, lesbian Goth babe, Lomea and no doubt you girls quite liked to see all those semi-naked dudes dressed in bondage gear. But best of all, the storyline was starting to take shape, the characters were established and the fagot carrots were a real hoot!
I’d have to rate this a stupendous 47,107 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission
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Some of the Vidcaps scanned in by thefrey
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