LEXX: S04E12: Bad Carrot
This was a hateful show. It started off well enough and I know lots of you liked it, but there is little to be said for telling the same joke over and over again. If I had to choose the worst LEXX episode so far, I’d have to say that this one won, in fact it completely obliterated the competition – In fact, I’ll never forgive the writers and producers for permanently putting me off one of my favourite vegetables. I cannot understand what Jeffrey Hirshfield was thinking of! Normally, episodes written by him are exceptional.
The show opened with a special operation mounted by the AFT (Bureaux of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) on an unsuspecting supermarket vegetable stand. The special operatives tentatively checked out the carrot stand and found a renegade vegetable. Before it’s capture however, the unruly carrot attacked the anus of the hapless store manager to his intense discomfort.
Later, at ATF headquarters, the store manager is brought before Prince. The manager is held in a metal container and has been scanned by an expert, Professor Shnoog. The poor geezers insides look as though the invasive carrot has attached itself to the base of the manager’s spine. The carrots spindly feet and legs have clasped the hips and bones of his lower back firmly.
Meanwhile, back on the LEXX, Xev thanks Stanley and Kai for bringing her back to life. But 790 is only interested in Kai’s return, “Oh Kai, you’ve come back to me. Take the head in your arms. Squeeze me, please me!”
“The dead do not squeeze and please.” Replies Kai, truthfully.
In the Whitehouse, Bunny has baked her hubby a birthday cake (a carrot cake no less). It isn’t his birthday, but he doesn’t seem to mind, “First you can blow out your candle.” Says Bunny, “Then I can blow out your candle. And then I’ll give you your present.” She adds with her customarily contradictory air of angelic innocence.
Prince enters and tells The President that they need to address the problem of ‘bad carrots’. A small entourage of scientists explain that the faggot carrots integrate themselves with the host’s nervous system enabling complete control.
No one knows what the carrots agenda is (other than something VERY perverse), but Prince correctly assumes that they are not here “…to grace our salads.” Worse still, it seems that the carrots have infiltrated most of the major conurbations throughout the world. At that point, the bad carrot which was held captive in the body of the hapless store manager escapes and forces The President, Prince and Bunny, to make a hurried escape (desperately clutching their bottoms for fear of invasion).
On the LEXX, the food shortage is becoming desperate. Kai decides to return to his cryo-chamber to conserve energy (but possibly to get away from Stan, 790 and Xev bickering about returning to Earth to get some food).
They try massaging the delectable phallic protuberance that serves as a food dispenser and the imagery wasn’t lost on some of the SadGeezers out there – and indeed, when Stanley joins the fun …. naaa it wasn’t the same I guess.
In one of the limousines on Earth, The president and his entourage are discussing the possibility that the mischievous manager carrot has invaded one of them. They’re denials seem final and irrefutable, but we know differently don’t we!? (Well… we don’t actually know… but we can guess).
They arrive at a research laboratory and are tested by the weird professor to see if they have an anally invasive red vegetable. The test proves negative on each of them. However, the good doctor (mad professor) was not tested and as The Presidents men and lady leave, he takes his hardhat off and wonder we all wonder at the magnificence of the manic looking third eye protruding horribly from his forehead. The weird professor seems almost happy with the arrangement, but then, he can’t see himself can he?
Prince is convinced that they key to the LEXX is still on-board the ship. He decides to jump on the next shuttle to pay them a visit. It cracks me up the way they do that! It takes months to prepare a Shuttle, it takes bloody aaaagggeees to get from Washington to Cape Canaveral and they seem to prepare, drive, launch, escape Earths gravity, find and board the LEXX all in the space of a mildly erotic scene when Xev and Stanley are giving some up and down massage to poor LEXX’s food spout.
The love life and hunger of Xev, Stanley and even poor LEXX is exacerbated when the only thing that comes is Prince and Bunny… and The President…. erm.. through the door.
Prince explains to Stanley and Xev that Earth is infested with bad carrots and “This is as good a time to for all of us to disappear into the great unknown of space.” He goes on to point out that this was the agreement.
Xev goes to wake up Kai and Stanley shows Bunny the washroom (and in particular the ‘freaky crapper’).
Later, Prince discusses his options for staying on the LEXX as a member of the crew. The rest (with the exception of The President and First Lady – who seem mildly indifferent) are not convinced that it would be a good idea.
As the discussion changes to that of the mechanical carrots, 790 explains what they are and where they came from, “The robots are actually the first wave of scouting drones sent by an alien species to taste out various things on Earth, particularly human beings. They are studying the planet to see what is worth eating and what dishes go with what presumably in preparation for the feast when the real aliens arrive to devour the planet.”
790 learned this when intercepting messages between the probe and the alien mother ship. Prince suggests that if 790 can locate the alien mother ship, they simply need to take the LEXX and destroy it.
Stanley tries to explain that the LEXX needs food and will not be able to make such a journey, but Prince is on a roll. He instructs The President to contact the Pentagon and authorise Operation Hard Encounter.
The President farts in response (?!?!?!) and then agrees. This action … the farting that is… was mildly amusing, you don’t often see such scenes in a sci fi show. But this is LEXX and they not only decided to embrace such a taboo, they bloody-well began a cacophony of farting scenes that almost made you feel ill (well it did me anyway). This joke wasn’t played to death, it was slaughtered!
I personally found following fart scenes annoying and in the interests of accuracy (ie. why the hell should I be the only one annoyed) I will refer to the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition (schoolboy edition) of the word fart as ‘a slight explosion between the legs’.
The president contacts a General at the Pentagon and suffers ‘a slight explosion between the legs’ as he mentions (another ‘slight explosion between the legs’) that they have a problem. Well, not a problem (another ‘slight explosion between the legs’) exactly. More of a nuisance (‘a couple more slight explosions between the legs’ to make sure that we heard the first few).
Prince reminds The President to stop talking rubbish (completely oblivious to the other noises) and reminds him to get on with it. Meanwhile, The President has ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’. Boring huh?!
Operation Hard Encounter was simply a close encounter between the alien spaceship and a few Earth nukes. However, we couldn’t help feel a slight loss of confidence in the activity since the head of the military was by now, suffering a continuous barrage of ‘a slight explosions’ from his own bum!
The President and first lady are later shown to their bedroom (poor Bunny) by Xev and Prince teaches Kai how to play chess. Nobody thought it worthwhile to mention how rude The President had been.
We soon learn the reason. While everyone sleeps, The President begins to feel a sharp pain in his forehead and he soon discovers that he has been invaded by a fagot carrot and it’s eye, pops up on his forehead. You may think that things are looking bad for the Presidency, but who the hell cares – extreme flatulence demands extreme measures! President priest finds the ideal solution – he dons an ATF baseball cap to hide his third eye!
During the night however, The President feels the need (propelled by the slight explosions emanating from his bottom) to visit Xev(as you do). He pours some ichy green stuff on her tummy (as you… erm) and proceeds to lick it off. Xev wakes and pushes him away. Bunny enters the room and accuses Xev of trying to seduce her husband (poor girl).
While Bunny attempts to rough up Xev, The President zooms off to the lavatory ….. ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, a short pause, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, a short pause, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’, a short pause, ‘a slight explosion between the legs’.
Xev guesses that The President contains a carrot and alerts the others. By the time they arrive at the LEXX lavatory however, the carrot has somehow decided to leave The President and wonder off on it’s own.
790 is on the bridge when the mischievous carrot arrives. It chases him/it around for a while and then decides to communicate with it. 790 makes some silly noises at the carrot and it stops chasing and listens. “See, we can both get what we want once we start communicating.” He adds gleefully. 790 betrays the crew yet again! That robot head is asking for severe disassembleage!
The crew all arrive on the bridge and as the doting First Lady revives The President, he asks what happened. The last thing he remembers is that they were all in the Oval Office waiting discussing the hapless store manager. “Well,” says Stanley, “It looks like while you were in the Oval Office, something got into your Oval Office.”
790 tells them that he communicated with the carrot and told it that the Earth was now completely out of food and that it was dangerous to stay there. The carrot then decided to leave and head back for the mother ship.
They all seem satisfied by this for some strange reason and head off back to bed – except Kai and Prince who decide to continue their game of chess.
God this episode is boring! It was only two-thirds the way through at this point and watching the rest was very painful!
Stanley wakes up in the middle of the night and heads off for the toilet. As he sits and quietly contemplates life the universe and everything, the mischievous carrot spots an opening to become Stanley’s new third eye and poor Stanley is suffers an close encounter of the anal kind.
Meanwhile, Kai has second thoughts about the honesty of 790’s report. He confronts the robot head and tells it that it would be in 790’s interest to do a deal with the bad carrot and encourage it to kill all the crew except Kai (‘coz the dead do not die). 790 comes clean (or at least a dull blue-grey colour) and Kai goes off to investigate.
Stanley decides to investigate Xev while she sleeps in bed. He takes a bottle of tomato ketchup and… and… squirts some on her belly (What happened to choccy body sause for goodness sake – Good grief, he just can’t do anything right!) As Xev wakes up to complain, Kai enters the room and fires his handy wrist gadget at Stanley’s neck to restrain from doing any disgusting such as gratuitous tummy licking.
Stanley tries to tell them that he was sleep walking, but neither Xev nor Kai believe him. Kai tightens the grip of his handy wrist gadget around Stan’s neck and mutters, “Kai, Kai. You’re killing me.” And moments later, the carrot determines that being stuck up Stanley’s bum is too dangerous. It jumps out of his rear end and does a runner.
The crew all assemble on the bridge. Stanley is understandably upset by 790’s betrayal (again!) and attempts to attack the robot head. Kai restrains him and they discuss a plan to capture the carrot.
During the conversation, the First Lady looks at Prince’s neck as if it were a very large piece of candy floss and we were all left guessing (for approximately 0.1723 seconds) who’s rear orifice contained a bad carrot.
Bunny takes a quick bite of prince’s neck and runs off. The rest chase her only to find that she is on the floor of the corridor … carrotless. Kai resolves to test each of them with a special gadget that he has rigged up in the cryo-room.
While they are all assembled, he tells them that they must all drop their trousers (& skirts) and raise their bottoms for inspection. Kai will then administer a probe and induce a mild electric current.
If the bad carrot is there, it will attempt to escape and they can then, presumably, catch it.
Prince is determined not to suffer such indignity and the Mr Priest is even more adamant, “You can’t shove a probe in my arse, I’m The President!”
Kai orders Prince to drop his trousers and the evil head of the ATF receives an electric enema. Each of the others endure the same embarrassing experience, although I think Xev wasn’t quite sure if she liked it or not. – They were all clean, or at least carrotless.
Meanwhile, the bad carrot headed off for the Moth Breeder section of the ship and entered the rear end of a moth breeder. In fact, this Moth Breeder was actually the one who had the LEXX key. It immediately went to the bridge and asked the LEXX to destroy the spaceship that was destined to intercept and destroy the alien spaceship. It never made it. After abusing and using the poor moth breeder, the bad carrot extracts itself and heads off for pastures new.
The rest of the LEXX crew are all on the bridge wondering what caused the LEXX to fire its weapon. After a quick call to NASA they find that the ship was destroyed. They then resolve to find and destroy the bad carrot. Unfortunately, it finds Kai first who immediately begins to suffer ‘a slight explosion between the legs’.
Kai, being a dead person is not the best place for a bad mechanical carrot to hide out. Kai jiggles his insides and the unsuspecting carrot is mashed up and destroyed.
And there the show ends – thank goodness!
I’d rate this a flatulent 7,288 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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