This was a much harder episode. Maniac, in his review thought that this episode was the most scandalous episode so far. Personally, I thought it was pretty tongue-in-cheek except for one scene regarding a confrontation between members of the LEXX crew, which was hard to watch.
The show opened with an attack. In fact it was an anal encounter of the alien kind on a poor defenceless pussy… erm… cat. The unsuspecting moggy wondered off into the bushes at feeding time whereupon it was molested by a mechanical alien carrot (these little buggers are everywhere!). The cat (understandably) emerged from the bushes with glowing red eyes and a rather stilted (but rather unsurprising) walk.
Then, in Washington DC, in the White House, The President is having his ear bent by his significant other. The Presidents Wife is not the sort of person to happily sit back and watch her insignificant husband ruin things for her. She is particularly upset at his subservience to Ismbard Prince. She persuades her snivelling hubby to kill Prince. A man enters the room dressed as Stanley Tweedle (?!).
Back at AFT (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms), Stanley Tweedle is still clamped to a wall 100 feet from the ground. Suddenly the President walks in with the geezer who looks like Stan. He dismisses the guards and chats to Stanley about how it would be a really cool idea to kill Prince.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Stanley Tweedle,” says Kai. “He is in this city.”
“You might get yourself a new hairdo…. freak.” Replies the passenger sarcastically.
“Hey. Get out of my way, bunhead!” He adds as one might if encountering a punk rocker on a public bus wearing a big black bun on his head.
Kai immediately extracts his handy wrist gadget and forces it against the throat of the irate passenger. “Who is in charge of this city?” He says menacingly.
“The President, the Whitehouse, Pennsylvania Avenue.” He croaks.
Kai politely thanks the passenger before releasing him.
At the ATF, the President has agreed to make Stanley the King of Newfoundland if he agrees to kill Prince. Stanley agrees (thinking that Newfoundland is an exotic island inhabited by blonde bimbo’s who like a bit of rough – I guess, since the show is written and produced in Newfoundland, the writers were attempting to add a little gritty credibility to the show is the same way that Star Trek adds little scientific titbits such as ‘graviton field matrix’ and ‘subspace anomaly’).
He releases Stanley and places the look-alike in the wall clamps. Then they make a deal. The president will find out exactly where Prince is located and pass on the co-ordinates to the LEXX. Stan will then command the LEXX to destroy the evil geezer with a focused narrow beam of iridescent destruction hopefully, without blowing up the planet. Stanley leaves in the Moth (still parked in the corner of the room).
Meanwhile, Prince finds out about the visit of the President to the ATF and soon discovers the imitation Stanley Tweedle clamped to the Wall. The TV news is on one of the monitors and we see a very happy young lady bouncing about somewhere in Florida. The news item recounts how the Sacred College of Cardinals have made a surprise decision to vote Genevieve G. Rhoda (a real-estate agent from Florida) in as the new Pope.
“Hey everybody, I’m the Pope!” Exclaims the ecstatic Ms Rhoda (as though she’d won the lottery), “I’m the Pope. I ain’t no joke, I offer hope, wine, wafers and water and wine.” She sings, “Kiss my ring and cross my heart!” Most of us of course, know the lovely Ms. Rhoda as the deliciously diabolical Giggerotta (played by Ellen Dubin).
It turns out that the holier than thou dudes in the Cardinals Collage wanted to avoid the acrimonious feelings associated with choosing a member of the Collage and decided to pick a name randomly from a newspaper. Unfortunately, the only newspaper in the Vatican at the time was the real-estate section of the Miami Herald. There you see, completely understandable if you think about it.
Prince switches the TV off and decides to check on Stanley. He immediately notices that the real Stanley Tweedle has been switched for an imitation one (wow, imagine going for that job interview. ‘The position is for a geezer to pretend he’s an alien and get clamped 100 feet above the ground in the main meeting room of the ATF.’)
Prince decides to contact the President and mentions that he’s in Miami meeting with Cuban hitmen. The President asks Prince for his exact location and eventually, Prince tells him. The evil dude obviously suspects something because he certainly isn’t in Miami, but he gives the exact co-ordinates of a small boat, two miles off the Coast of the city.
A telephone bell rings on the LEXX. It’s the President. He tells Stanley and the edge of Miami looks doomed to be blasted into infinity.
Unfortunately, the LEXX is not particularly accurate at pinpointing small boats off the coast of Florida. The LEXX shoots a bolt of whatever it is that the LEXX fires at Florida and makes a precise and direct hit on Orlando (a few hundred miles away). Xev was concerned that the LEXX was not able to be that accurate and Kai was unsure if Prince could have been killed in the conventional way (ie. being blasted to bits).
As it turns out, they were both right. The LEXX wasn’t particularly accurate (or Stanley was unable to repeat the correct co-ordinates) and Prince was nowhere near. Stanley tries to blame the LEXX, but the bimboesque big bug tires to explain as respectfully as it can, that it was designed to blow up whole planets.
“Congratulations mass murderer.” Says 790.
“Oh, as if that matters to you.” Hisses Stanley.
Stanley seems very upset, I’m not sure if he is upset by killing the population of Orlando or if he is disappointed at missing Prince (or both), but all he wants to do now is leave the Solar System. He instructs the LEXX to take them away. The LEXX obeys, but it’s a little tired after so much excitement and explains that he/she/it is still very hungry and cannot travel very far (or quickly) without food.
Xev isn’t happy about leaving and asks Stanley to turn the LEXX around. He objects strongly and tells her that he most certainly, will not.
In the Whitehouse, Prince makes a grand entrance. I’m sure he knows that the President and his wife were behind the attack on Orlando and that they intended somehow to kill him. But he doesn’t indicate his suspicions. Instead he and the First Lady help come up with a dastardly plan to blame it all on the Cubans.
On the LEXX, the argument between Xev and Kai and Stanley heats up. Stanley finally relents and asks the big bug for an area of the Earth that is big enough for it’s dietary needs and that would sustain it for a long excursion to another planet. The LEXX chooses Holland.
Stan orders the LEXX to eat Holland but Xev strongly objects, pointing out that Holland is populated by people and that they would all die. When Stan ignores her, she asks Kai if he would Kill Stanley if she wanted him too. Kai tells her that he would.
So much for Stanley’s family spirit. I found this scene a bit nasty. You’d think that after spending so long together and battling their way out of so many awful adventures, they wouldn’t so easily contemplate killing each other.
But Xev is adamant. She knows only too well that if Kai were to kill Stanley, the key would pass to her. Stanley is still determined not to give in and runs off the bridge asking the LEXX to seal Kai and Xev in. The membrane over the door doesn’t hold Kai back for long and he fires his handy wrist gadget through the obstruction at Stanley’s neck. Stan is forced to change course or become headless. He chooses life. He instructs the LEXX to turn around and leave the Solar System as fast as he can.
Back in the Whitehouse Prince, The President and the First Lady have fabricated a video of Fidel Castro announcing that he would detonate an atomic warhead on the city of Orlando. Assembled to see the video or are a small collection of important journalists. They watch in horror as the Cuban upstart accuses Americans of being pig-dogs (with a clear German accent).
After the video, the President embarks on, ‘Operation Cigarillo’ which is the complete destruction of Cuba. The pretty lady reporter mentions that she thought she could see the Washington monument in the background of the video (behind Castro’s head). When she mentions it again, Prince asks her to accompany him to view his butterfly collection. “I’m good with butterflies.” He ads with a smile.
Now if that were any other geezer, viewing a butterfly collection would mean something completely different, and possibly even pleasant. That isn’t the fate Prince had planned.
Later, Prince is in his office listening to the news bulletin. “…And Cuba has been nuked off the face of the Earth late this afternoon by President Priest in retaliation for yesterday’s evil attack on Orlando. There has been no reaction so far from Havana.”
Suddenly the telephone rings and a voice from NASA tells Prince that the LEXX is headed away from the Earth. Prince looks disturbed.
He contacts the LEXX. “So, we’re leaving Earth are we?” He says.
Stanley explains that he just wants to get away. But Prince offers Stan the Vice President of the United States and Xev the position of Queen of England. He quite rightly points out that England is a beautiful Island full of gardens and Antiques (and SadGeezer, don’t forget SadGeezer). “The position is currently filled.” He says to an interested Xev, “But all it would take to free it up would be a couple of phone calls.”
Xev turns the conversation around. She asks Kai if he would go down to the planet and kill Prince. Prince confidently tells them that he could easily hide himself. Kai explains that he would find and kill him. They chat about the fact that nobody knows if Prince can die. Prince points out that his death would be insignificant. When the Fire planet was destroyed, all the badness was transported to Earth. He is a ‘drop in an ocean of badness…. more like a bucketful.’
Unfortunately, Kai agrees. Killing Prince would not serve any particular purpose. Prince ends the communication and the LEXX continues its journey out of the Solar System.
Prince didn’t get what he wanted and decides to take it out on the President and his wife by inviting them to Dallas. He makes them dress up as President and Mrs Kennedy and drive past the grassy knoll and book repository. He points out that he knew they had attempted to kill him and that he was about to teach them a lesson. Suddenly a gunman dressed in ATF uniforms open fire on the car from the grassy knoll (and a whole load of other places too) – the presidents’ wife is shot dead. Everyone else in the car is relatively unscathed.
The scene ended with Prince having made his point about loyalty and obedience, and the President was moderately pleased about the way he did so.
Then, just as we had worked out that the moral of the story was ‘don’t nag your husband, even if he’s a plonker’ the scene changes to the little old lady with the electric cat. She enters a vetenary surgery and tells the vet, “There’s something wrong with my pussy doctor.” She goes on to mention that it’s off its food, walks stiffly and flies round and round the room (?!).
Unfortunately, the vet wasn’t able to diagnose that the cat had been buggered by a mysterious-mechanical-alien-faggot-carrot until it was too late. The hapless moggy disintegrated before their very eyes. The mechanical vegetable stood ominously on the operating table for a moment before jumping up to attack the good doctor and the little old lady.
And there, the show ended.
I’d rate this a cool 33,122 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission
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