LEXX: S04E08: Vlad
I loved this episode, well I almost loved it. Except for a silly mistake by the writers, it was wonderful. Finally Kai would get his comeuppance!
Kai, Xev and Stan arrive back on the LEXX together. They were greeted by 790 (or at least Kai was). Kai mentions that his protoblood is running out and that he needs to return to his cryopod to replenish himself. He wonders off with Xev and Stanley is left alone with 790. Suddenly there is a noise (like a wolf howling).
If you remember, the three Goth Girlies from the last episode somehow managed to control Stan and he was taken to meet the super-duper-assassin (one of His Divine Shadow’s old faithful killers that was used to kill off normal assassins like Kai when they failed to perform their deathly duties). one must assume therefore, that Stan is still under their influence.
Sure enough, back on the little Blue Planet, the three Goth girlies are dancing some sort of ritual ‘Feel the urge’ they chant repeatedly as they dance round a small fire. You can guarantee however, that they are not giving Stanley the urge to ‘urbal.
Stanley begins to feel an urge (Not really a surprise huh?)
In the Cryo-chamber, Xev persuades Kai to retire to his cryochamber. She thinks it prudent for him to conserve his protoblood. She tucks him in and kisses him goodnight, but all Kai can manage in return is some lame comment that the dead do not dream…. The dead don’t normally fall asleep in cryochambers either!
Back on Earth, the three Goth girlies are prancing around the fire. Whatever they were trying to do to Stanley, he’s too far away for their incantation to have an effect. They try a different tactic. “In thunder, lightening and in rain;” says one, “In mountain valley’s and on the plain,” says another, “In snow, in fog and on the train..” Concludes the silly blonde one.
The other two look at her perplexed, it’s not normal to include modern methods of transport in ancient spells and the silly blonde one is chastised before they begin again.
The spell conjures a big blue swirly thing from the fire and it weaves its way up to the LEXX, through the passageways and into Stanley’s head. He wakes from his sleep and finds that the three Goth girlies have managed to manifest themselves as dastardly spirits in the form of Kai, Xev and 790.
The next scene is wonderful. Stanley goes to the bridge and finds that the three Goth girlies (manifested as a gothic looking Xev, a sweet (if somewhat silly) 790 and the queerest looking Kai you could imagine.
Stan seems to realise that these are not his real colleagues, but their effect on his willpower still remains strong. They tell him that they have to rebuild their relationship with him and when Stanley makes the mistake of asking Kai (Muffy) ‘how’, the Kai imitation gives Stanley a whopping kiss on the lips. It should be pointed out however, that Stanley still had the presence of mind NOT to use his tongue.
They chase him into a moth where he decides to take a ride to clear his head. Then, hopefully things will have returned to normal when he gets back. As you can guess however, the control of the Goth Girlies is resolute and Stanley (half against his will) is forced to steer the moth back to Dracul’s Castle in Transylvania.
He lands right next to his Goth girlfriends who hitch a ride back to the LEXX to retrieve the protoblood for their master. Stan begrudgingly does as they ask, but has the presence of mind to attempt to make a pass at them. They refuse his amorous intentions when Muffy grabs at Stan’s genitals and insists that he take them to the protoblood. Stanley does as he’s told.
While Xev sleeps peacefully in her furry blue outfit, Stanley and the Goth Girlies are hovering around Kai’s cryochamber. They lick and kiss the chamber respectful of the dead dude inside it and the Muffy grabs hold of the protoblood and insists that they leave immediately. Unfortunately, the silly blonde girly decided to give Kai’s cryochamber a sloppy wet kiss and her lips froze on the glass (don’t you just hate it when that happens). one of her colleagues helps her out by pulling her sharply and tearing her away from the glass leaving half her lips still glued to the surface.
Muffy knocks Stanley unconscious and the girls run off with the protoblood. Xev wakes and rushes to find Stanley unconscious and Kai bloodless. She revives Kai and Stan and they all give chase. Unfortunately, the Goth girlies manage to take a moth and escape.
Before giving chase, Xev, Kai and 790 hook Stan up to a machine that can detect the substance that controls Stanley, or more specifically, the substance that allows Stanley to be controlled by the Goth Girlies. 790 soon isolates the drug and Kai recognises it as Parablood, a particularly potent concoction that forces absolute obedience to a Divine Executioner, and the name of this Divine Executioner, is Vlad, a nasty example of the Order whom Kai recognises as being powerful and successful. Kai goes on to explain that Executioners need Protoblood but they were also provided with a special bio venom called Parablood. Anyone that is poisoned with Parablood, will become a slave of the Divine Executioner.
On Earth, the Goth Girlies manage to revive a fairly decrepit looking old lady with the protoblood. Within seconds the old hag has become Vlad the deadly blonde babe! And she can bite me anytime!
Unfortunately, she’s a real nasty piece of work. Not only does she quickly dispatch the poor and obedient Goth Girlies without so much as a thank you (she hacks them to death with her handy wrist knife), but worse still, her eating and drinking habits are positively disgusting! After helping herself to a healthy swig of protoblood, she speaks – while her mouth is still full! Eeeeww. Protoblood mixed with saliva dribbles down her chin in the most ungainly and unflattering manner. Where the hell do they learn such habits!? You’d think that the Divine Shadow would teach his minions to be a little more respectful, you can’t have Divine Executioners going round and dribbling over people like that, it’s disgraceful!
Kai and Xev take a moth to go back to Dracul’s Castle and attempt to destroy Vlad. As they near the castle, he jumps out of the Moth and straight through a Divine Order symbol on the battlement (which opened as if expecting him) and into the lair of the Divine Executioner.
The scene was set for a titanic battle of the dead killers, but it was a bit of a damp squib. They just talked at each other for a while. I was expecting them to at least be scratching each others eyes out, but instead, Vlad just talked to Kai about how she would infect all the Human race with Parablood and get them to exactly what she wanted – get them all to commit suicide. “And destroying the last of the Brunnen G,” She added, “will be the glorious headstone to the tomb of my satisfaction.”
Apparently, Vlad was sent to hunt down Kai. His Divine Shadow ordered Kai’s execution and Vlad interrogated the time prophet to find that Kai would eventually land on Earth. She then found a bruise in the time/space fabric (at least she didn’t say time/space continuum, though this is a very slim disguise of a common reference in that patronising drivel, ‘Star Trek the Next Generation’ it makes me wonder why the writers couldn’t come up with something a little more original).
During their little chat, Vlad had managed to avoid a direct confrontation with Kai with some amazing moves. She seems to have the ability to appear and disappear at will. Better still, when Kai did actually manage to fire off a shot with his handy wrist-gadget at her forehead, it simply went straight through her. She didn’t bat an eyelid.
Kai, for some reason failed to realise that Vlad is made of the same stuff that he is. Puncturing her brain will have little or no effect. If he is to destroy her at all, she must be completely obliterated, I guess something like an atom bomb or firing her into the sun might do it. A shot from his handy wrist gadget is just gonna give her a little tickle.
While Vlad plays with Kai, Xev returns to the Inn in the Village and tries to persuade the hapless Van Helsing that Vlad is real and VERY dangerous. Van Helsing isn’t too interested in her ramblings… but he is interested in her. He eventually manages to persuade him to let her search Father Borscht’s room. Eventually she finds out that Vlad cannot dim the light of a pure heart. It doesn’t seem much, but you can guess that it will have some relevance.
In the Castle, the lovely Vlad is messing around with Kai. She’s basically kicking his butt all around the room. The poor dead geezer stands no chance. She stabs him with he handy wrist knife and although Kai doesn’t die, he is completely impotent against her. Vlad licks the blade provocatively and her tongue seems to grow … she presents it to him, “I will swallow every drop of your juice.” she adds.
Kai makes a couple of inept attempts to destroy her, but in the end, Vlad simply pulls him close to her and says, “Blood is the life, and yours is over.” Kai is forced to kneel before her meekly and just as we think it’s all over, Vlad’s chest cavity opens and out pops a vicious looking…. erm… willy! I know, I know, it scarred the hell out of me too – god knows what Kai must have felt like.
But wait, this willy…. this HUGE willy, was quite different from most willy’s. For a start it came out a her chest (a dead givaway that I think) and also it didn’t have an eye, it had a sort of mouth (wow the horror of it all!). Kai kneels before her ready to take her willy thingy – and he does! He takes ALL of it (well, the mouth part anyway).
In the village, Xev takes Van Helsing ….. to find Kai and tell him about the pure of heart thing. But Kai is helpless, he is being gobbled up by the mouth of Vlad’s willy. All he can do is repeat that he is Kai, The last of the Brunnen G while the willy gobbles up large parts of Kai’s juice (protoblood I hope) from his chest. But Kai also mentions that His Divine Shadow is dead. Vlad is momentarily shocked by this, but her resolve remains the same. Kai eventually manages to break free of her grasp (or at least her penis like chest protuberance) and they both fall over the edge of the battlement. Kai lands heavily on the ground, but Vlad flies gracefully back to her lair in the castle.
Xev’s moth, complete with Van Helsing, arrives at the castle and he is asked to fly the spare moth away from the castle. This he does while Xev leaves to find Kai. When she finds him, he explains that Vlad has almost drained her of his protoblood. She manages to help him to the moth and they head back to the LEXX.
The poor Van Helsing however, is merrily flying his moth away from the castle, when Vlad glides into his cockpit. He guesses that she is Vlad, and this is confirmed when she throws him out of the moth (to his death) and then heads for the LEXX.
When she gets there, she greets Stanley with a vicious bite to his neck, pumping him full of those nasty bio toxins that make him her slave…. again!
When Kai and Xev arrive, Vlad attempts to destroy him again., but when Xev gives her a vicious punch, Kai tells her to run away. Vlad gives chase, and catches up with her easily. It has to be said that watching Xev running around in a very skimpy blue costume wearing high heals was a great pleasure to watch, not just because of the way she bobbles and bounced, but also because she looked so very ungainly, almost comical.
Kai tried to persuade Stanley to take Kai to the cryochamber so that he could get some more protoblood. He managed to explain to Stanley that Vlad wanted him in the cryochamber so that he would be unable to attack her. Stanley (gullible as ever) believes him and takes Kai away.
Meanwhile, Xev is caught by Vlad who immediately grabs her and gives her a powerful suck – on the neck (as you do). Xev is now a slave of Vlad too. “I am yours for ever” She confirms to Vlad.
They all meet in the cryochamber. Vlad walks over to Kai, she’s pretty damned cocksure of herself, “I find this moment extremely satisfying,” She says with a smirk.
“You will not have me Vlad.” Says the almost virginal Kai (or should that be vaginal).
“I will have you now. Tell me you love me.” She says.
And then she gets out her willy and shoves it into Kai’s tummy (where he puts his protoblood).
Suddenly Xev rolls herself up and with lightening speed pushes the surprised Vlad into the cryochamber and closes it. Then she punches Stanley unconscious to make sure that he doesn’t try to open the chamber and release is mistress.
Apparently, Xev has a pure heart and as we know, the Divine Assassin cannot dim the heart of a pure heart. Hey! my heart is pure too, I too only want to bonk myself stupid and …aww, but I don’t want to sleep with a dead man, maybe I’m not that pure after all.
Later, Stanley is cleansed of the Parablood and they all live to fight Vlad another day.
And there the show ended. This was one helluva fun show. Did you ever think you would see a chased Kai. A kai chased by a real rough bird indeed…. a woman that was the only person man enough to kick the crap outa him!? Naaa, me neither – It was a cracker, and the lovely Mina Aaltonen was wonderful. I’d rate this a huge 39,089 but I’m going to minus 10,000 for the despicable ‘space/time fabric’ phrase which, in one foul swoop, relegated this otherwise excellent show to the mind-numbing and inherently patronising level of an episode of Star Trek NG. A pox on the writers for allowing it!
I’d have to rate this an impaling 29,089 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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