LEXX: S04E17: Dutch Treat
That slimy sycophant, 790 opened this show. “My man is back, my man is back, he gives my head a heart attack!”
But he was closely followed by the LEXX who was dry heaving. Kai informed them that this was because LEXX was ‘so very hungry’. In fact, LEXX was starting to chew on itself causing ruptures around the ship – as was graphically demonstrated when a large dollop of slimy LEXX-membrane mucus suddenly splodged unapologetically on Stan’s head.
Kai went on to explain that so far, the effects were superficial (except for Stanley I guess), but soon the LEXX would consume so much of itself that the ships structural integrity would be threatened. He suggested that they contact Dr. Longbore who was building the Noah. Yep, the crew were planning to abandon the poor LEXX and escape Earth with the weird dude Longbore and his geeky pals.
As Zev and Staley pack their meagre possessions, they tell 790 that he/it will be left behind. 790 tries to plead innocence, camaraderie, friendship etc. but the fact is that the robot head has betrayed ‘the team’ too many times and it’s simply safer to leave it on-board. “But Kai, what about our love?” Asks 790 tearfully.
Meanwhile, Mr President and Bunny are up to their usual un-entertaining tricks in the Whitehouse. Ok, I’m not the biggest fan of George Bush, but the striking physical similarity between Mr Bush and Bunny’s hubby ends there. His geezer is too implausible, a little bit of realism in the show at this point would be really refreshing… On the LEXX, The dead guy, the love slave/cluster lizard and the security guard (4th class) climb aboard a transport moth and bid a brief farewell to the space bug that has been home for the last 4000 years and head for deepest Texas.
In the Whitehouse, Prince interrupts the First Lady’s aerobics class to the populous by instructing them to contact the robot head on the LEXX and see if it’s alone. They soon learn that Kai, Stan and Zev have left and immediately set out to take over the ship. Bunny confirms that as far as she is aware, she still possesses the key.
As the moth nears Longbore’s bunker, we find him evaluating a bunch of teenage wannabe astronauts by sniffing their underwear (as you do), and, it seems like the only successful candidates wear flimsy pink undergarments.
When Kai, Stan and Zev arrive, they are invited to see the space-ship – which actually looks very impressive! 790, as a favour to Kai, has been feeding Longbore enough data to help him build the ship and it’s expected to be complete in a couple of months. Nevertheless, despite the help, Longbore attempts to solicit an item of Zev’s underwear presumably so he can evaluate her as a passenger for reasons of histo-compatibility… yeah, right. Zev tells him that she doesn’t wear under garments – good for her!. Strangely enough, Kai and Stanley are NOT asked to provide underwear which is just as well, imagine Longbore’s face when he gets a whiff of Kai’s 5000 year old underpants!
On the LEXX, Bunny tries to use the key but finds that she’s lost it. She faintly remembers Mr President fondling her boobs and rightly assumes that this was the point (just before they previously departed the LEXX) that the key left her and they presume that it weaved its way back to a Moth Breeder. Prince orders them to retrieve the key by killing as many Moth Breeders as necessary. The President agrees and promptly shoots his way around the Breeder chamber. Unfortunately, no matter how many unfortunate dummies he kills, his dummy wife still can’t get hold of the key, “The key doesn’t like me anymore.” She sobs. I know how it feels.
Eventually – as the last Moth Breeder is dispatched, the key flows into Bunny.
Meanwhile, in Longbore’s laboratory, Tina cuddles up to Kai as she shows him a video tape of Longbore interviewing candidates for the trip to space. She tells him that she is suspicious of his actions to the point that she doesn’t trust him anymore. Clever girl! She also points out that it’s her belief that Longbore does not intend to take Kai and Stanley along. Kai asks Tina to keep an eye on Longbore. “And while I’m keeping an eye on Longbore, can I keep my legs wrapped around you?” She asks hopefully. Kai gets up and walks out silently,
“Well I had to ask.” She says meekly. I know how you feel, it happens to me all the time.
On the LEXX, Bunny takes control of the LEXX and is instructed to blow up Earth. Bunny finds it difficult to doom all her friends and family to an explosive death, but she eventually manages it. LEXX fires a circular bolt of destruction but only has the strength to destroy Ottawa. Prince quickly learns that the LEXX needs to feed before he can realise his dream of despair and destruction on humanity.
The LEXX asks to eat Holland so that he can become strong enough to blow up the Earth. Prince gives his permission, “But tell him to be quick about it.” He commands petulantly.
LEXX descends to the Earth and promptly begins to treat itself to Holland. Damn, I rather hoped that Dutch Treat meant a romp through Amsterdam’s red light district!
In Longbore’s laboratory, Zev and Kai learn that the LEXX had blasted the capital of Canada and quickly collect Stanley on their way back to the LEXX. As they catch up, they get a message from Tina telling them that the Noah is almost finished and Longbore has no intention of taking them (or her for that matter) along. Tina is suddenly attacked from behind and falls to the floor with a thud.
On the LEXX, a dragonfly (presumably hitching a ride since its home was destroyed when LEXX swallowed Holland) fly’s around and is eventually swallowed up by a large crack in the wall.
What follows can only be described as sounds of sexual fulfilment and most certainly not a burp! The mind boggles…… or maybe not. Maybe the little bug has somehow ‘got it on’ with the big bug!? The mind boggles! Maybe the crack in the wall was a different sort of… nope….. I’m not gonna go there.
Amid the groans and sighs, Bunny and the President smirk. “I’ve got a new friend.” Says LEXX enthusiastically. The mind boggles! Let’s face it, it’s not a BIG friend is it!? I mean, this new friend has the sexual potency of… of .. a little bug! You’d think that she would require someone/thing a little more erm… well-endowed! And another thing, does this finally confirm that the LEXX is a Lady bug? A lady with a VERY husky voice? If not, well….. the mind boggles!
Meanwhile, Stan, Kai and Zev have almost caught up with the LEXX and as Bunny is instructed to take another shot at destroying Earth, Kai manages to hurry aboard and stop her just in time. Phew… or maybe not phew I was still too busy thinking about that tiny bug bonking the LEXX.
Stanley is most concerned with getting the key back safely, Kai suggests that he kill Bunny but Stanley decides that the best method of retrieving the key is to sexually excite Bunny. Yeah right!
As expected, the poor security guard fails miserably – in fact, his attempt is so meagre it’s almost embarrassing. Then Zev suggests a go – not with Stan, but with Bunny! COOL!
Unfortunately there is a small amount of groaning and very little visual commentary. After a nervous start, Bunny certainly begins to loosen up and sure enough, despite Zev trying to catch the key, Stanley puts his hand in the right place at the right time and that illusive key to the LEXX is won back. As Stanley and Zev leave for the bridge, Bunny murmurs, “Kan we do that again?”
As they arrive on the Bridge, Stanley tells the hapless President and First Lady that they are lucky to be alive and orders them off the ship. As they leave, The President asks, “Please answer one question, you haven’t gone over to the other team have you?”
“Let’s just say I’m a complicated woman Mr President.” She says, “Really a lot.”
And as Stanley is confirmed by the LEXX as ‘the only Stan’ and Prince is taken by Kai to be crashed onto the surface of the moon the show ends.
Actually, I didn’t hate this episode, I found myself being a little bored for about a third of it (all the bits with the President and First Lady) and most of the bits with Prince. It seems to me that those three characters are being used to pad the show out a little. This would have been a great thirty minute episode.
I’d have to rate this a less nourishing 24,659 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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