LEXX: S03E06: K-Town
In this episode we didn’t so much see a story as a spectacle. It will probably be remembered more than most of the other episodes for all the wrong reasons (or right ones, depending on your point of view).
It opened with the scene just after Xev had given Prince/Kai2 a swift kick off the ledge; she and Stanley discuss what they should do next. It’s early morning and they are stranded half way up the tall city of K-Town on the Fire planet – and it’s getting hotter as the sun rises.
They decide to try climbing up the wall, but very quickly Stanley gets into difficulties. Xev encourages him to keep moving (‘If you rest you will die’) and she inadvertently discovers a loose rock in the wall. She prizes it out and climbs inside.
It’s certainly cooler in there, and once she’s checked it out, Stanley climbs in too.
Xev goes off to explore and leaves Stanley alone. He follows reluctantly after a few moments rest muttering to himself, “She goes off, somebody comes along… tries to eat me.” Kai is still walking towards them some distance from the city. (Sorry about the bum pictures girls, but I am a SadGeezer and Xev does have a nice bum. By way of balance however, I have also included the pictures of Stan).
Stanley loses Xev but manages to meet an attractive young woman called Tish (there are no old women on these planets it seems). She heard him calling Xev’s name and offers to help him. Stanley is more than a little reluctant, “In the past when someone said they wanted to help, they usually wanted to feed off my brains or something like that.” He explains. Nevertheless, he decides to follow the young girl (as you do) and she leads him to a large room where all her palls are gathered.
The whole area looks like a derelict underground collection of cellars. And Stanley feels a little insecure. He notices Xev and she walks over to him and explains that the occupants aren’t particularly friendly and don’t communicate clearly.
Sure enough, when they do talk, they are antagonistic or argumentative or just plain strange. Even Tish begins to behave very unusually by suddenly bursting into tears. Stanley attempts to comfort her but she turns on him and accuses the poor dude of trying to ‘touch’ her. This insights the other member of the group and they chase Stan and Xev into a small room.
There they meet the crackpot destroyer of Universes, our old pal, Mantrid! Yep, the geezer who lost his pickles is back, but although he is still a pickle short of a Gherkin-salad, he at least has his arms and legs! Mantrid helps Xev and Stanley escape the mob.
He doesn’t know he is Mantrid. Stanley and Xev explain the story of how he lived (and died) but this doesn’t seem to help, he looks just as crazy as he did before erm… but more so, he has no memory of what he is or was. As you will remember, Mantrid died at the end of Season Two when this slayer of Universes was trodden on by Xev. It is unlikely that Mantrid is back in all his glory, the strange and compelling characteristics of the Fire and Water Planets seem to include the resurrection of old baddies from a parallel universe – you will remember Fifi looked very much like Schlemmi from the Luvliner episode for instance.
Tish is suddenly turned upon by the rest of her group for bringing Stan and Xev into their community and just as she is about to be killed, Kai appears and saves her. Initially, she is pleased by this, but then she ungratefully tells Kai that he is a sanctimonious dude who only goes round saving people because it makes him feel better. Then, just as Kai let’s lose his little, “I am dead” catch-phrase, he inadvertently pulls a face and turns his head (it was as though the lovely Tish had just made a bad smell). He wonders off to look for Xev and Stanley but collapses to the ground soon after, he seems to be having problems co-ordinating the movement of his legs and arms but tries to continue.
Xev and Stan are looking for Kai with the tall weird dude (not Kai, Mantrid). He is keen to learn more about his past life, He asks who they are. “I am Xev, Xev of B3K” says Xev . Stanley tries to learn more about how someone who looks so like Mantrid appears 4000 years later on the Fire planet. “So, what are you doing here, where did you come from?” he asks.
But Mantrid replies with a tinge of despair, “I don’t know” and wonders off.
The silly Tish and her crazy buddies catch up with Stan and Xev and begin throwing stones at them from a balcony. They take shelter under a ledge and slump down dejectedly. Stanley is upset and confused and more than a little saddened by this recent predicament, all he wants is to return to the LEXX and, I guess, see things back to normal. “Zev, how are we ever gonna get off this planet.” He says.
Xev tries to comfort him and in a touching scene, tries to reassure Stanley that things will be all right. This was the Xev of old, Xev has been a little distant of late and it was nice to see the warm side of her nature shine through.
Then the rocks stop falling and we see Kai. Tish and her buddies run off and Stanley and Xev are pleased to see the dead bloke. But Kai has co-ordination has gradually been getting worse, he can’t even say hello! Xev asks him what is wrong with his voice as he falls inelegantly to the ground from the gallery above.
Looking very disoriented indeed, Kai explains that he has sustained a significant amount of damage when he first landed on the Water planet, this damage has gradually been getting worse, until it is now so severe that he is almost incapable of precise movement. Poor geezer – He landed on one of the few bits of rock on a planet almost completely covered with water!
Although Kai is hard to destroy, he is not indestructible. The systems that kept him functional are deteriorating because of the damage sustained and it is now up to Stanley and Xev to identify the problem and see if it can be remedied. They haul Kai over to the ledge and begin their examination.
The next scene would fill all the Lady LEXXians with a mixture of pleasure and apprehension.
Xev and Stanley take off Kai’s clothes to reveal a not so powerful looking torso. His pallid complexion is bordered with dark patches and a series of nipple like protuberances on his chest. Xev delicately removes what can only be described as his undergarments to reveal erm… the full horror of his manly extremities for between Kai’s legs is a sort of helmet – not just an ordinary helmet – this one has seven nipples, a couple of little speakers and one or two pipes. Xev, in a massive display of understatement, takes one look at the lump between Kai’s legs and gasps with surprise, he is certainly not as wrinkly as she would have hoped.
“I… I always wondered if…” She says breathlessly,
“What?” Asks Kai showing a faint tinge of embarrassment,
“If you still had … your…” She adds looking at Stanley for help,
“What,” repeats Kai.
“Equipment.” Chips in Stanley with a look of mild astonishment.
“I have a lot of equipment as you can see, but it is not all …… functional!” Adds Kai. (You got that right buddy!)
Then, while most of us were still chokeing on our beer, Kai explains that repairs must be affected with the removal and replacement of his ‘Power and Control Rods’ from his groin to his chest (??!?!?!!? – the writers are either geniuses or completely bonkers!).
Xev, asks nervously how she should remove the rods, “Turn and pull” replied Kai (innocently). Xev puts her hand delicately between Kai’s legs and twiddles his knob. Then she pulls out his rod slowly but firmly, first three inches, then six… eight…. “Does this hurt” she asks delicately.
“No” says Kai (I’m sure we could see a faint smile on his face).
Now it has to be said, that for a dead geezer, his rod is not only long, it’s straight too! Xev grasps Kai’s rod firmly and holds it up to get a better look, you can just imagine what was going through her mind.
No wonder the geezer doesn’t want sex, anyone who wants to play gets skewered! Actually, his ‘rod’ erm… must have got bigger you know – His ‘groinal assembly’ looked about 6″ deep, so how did he grow a 10″ rod!
Tish and her pals were still throwing rocks … But we didn’t care did we?
Xev, not satisfied with one 10″ rod in her hand, then begins to take out the remaining six (!?!). Kai tells her to place them in the nipple shapes protuberances on his chest. This she does obediently. It should be pointed out that these actors are professionals – Please don’t try this at home – trying to place your rod in your (or anyone else’s) nipple can be hazardous to your health, but almost immediately Kai begins to look uncomfortable. Then, to make things worse, his groin starts to smoke!
“Is that right?” asks Xev with a very worried expression. But Kai, in an orgasmic display of head bobbing, jerking and quivering, can only grunt inaudibly (I know the feeling mate!). Normally if a geezers groin gets hot after a beautiful woman has just twiddled his bits, it is a good sign. But Kai is most certainly in trouble.
Mantrid does something to stop Tish and her colleagues and then he joins Xev, Stanley and the smoking Kai. He examines the dead dude and asks, “What is a Bio-visier?” He believes that he will be able to fix the smoking dead dude but he takes one of the rods and puts it in the wrong nipple. Kai seems to regain his senses as an assassin and tells Mantrid that he must be cleansed. He then kills Mantrid with his handy wrist gadget. And quite right too! it could be argued that men generally don’t like other men to mess around with their rods – especially by putting them in the wrong hole!
Just as he is about to turn to Xev and Stanley, Xev takes out Kai’s rod and re-sites it in the correct nipple on his chest (good grief, I can’t believe I just wrote that). With the rods correctly placed, Kai’s micro-mechanics get to work to diagnose the faulty systems. His eyes display lots of ASCII code (?!?), then he tells them that the fault is in his Primary micro-systems. Apparently they have a specific polarity and are currently out of alignment. Xev returns the Power and Control Rods to their original position and they all climb up the ledge.
Tish and her silly colleagues have lost interest in their stone throwing exercise and Xev and Stanley, clutching Kai, make their way to another ledge looking out over the desert. Their intention is to drop Kai off the ledge so that he can land in such a way that the controlled force of impact will aid him in becoming realigned. Kai still has some motor-neuron functions and believes that he can adjust himself during his decent so that he can land in the correct way.
They push Kai over the edge and watch him land with a thud. All they need to do now is wait for him to recover and climb back up the wall.
Unfortunately, it seems that Kai didn’t land particularly well, he isn’t able to walk correctly or move around. Suddenly a gondola appears and two geezers (they look like Prince’s men) capture the helpless Kai and fly off to a nearby city.
Xev and Stanley meanwhile, have company, Prince has returned in all his glory (as he looked before) and with a half smile/half grimace, the show ends.
Wadda Whopper! Erm.. the episode that is. I’d rate this a definite 10 inches erm… I mean 42,802 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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