Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E04: Sidewalk Soiler
Bob’s Opening Line- I can’t do it!
Announcer- We’ve got rows and rows of the best pre-owned cloaking devices in the galaxy and we’ll give you a free copy of “Venetians gone wild” just for testin’ one out!
Sailor Pete- If you don’t buy one of our refurbished cloaking devices today, I’ll sex-up this domesticated lama! Yeehawwwww!
Lama- Hurry… half off if you come nowwwwwww!
Chode- Half-off! That’s almost a 50% savings!
Six- I was almost there.
Chode- Sorry Six, I’m a bit distracted.
Six- I noticed.
CHode- I just feel the longer we float out here uncloaked we’re just sittin’ ducks for Darph Bobo and his crew of evil clowns.
Six- Fine. We’ll beam down and pick up a cloaking device… just as soon as you finish me off.
Chode- Well… …our moment may have passed.
Six- I think we can get that moment back. Has chode been a good boy?
Chode- [ Coos like an infant ] Six- Oh no! Chode’s been a bad boy… …and you need to be changed.
Whip- I got to level 2199! I got to level
Whip- I am suddenly blind.
Chode- Yes…yes… well sometimes that happens in space… for no reason at all. And just as soon as we get back from planet Snozzle, we’ll get that looked at.
Gus- Isn’t Whip coming with us?
Chode- Ahhh no, no, he’s got homework. Let’s go, let’s go… okay Bob – three to beam down.
Bob- I’m trying… but I can’t do it!
Chode- Remember, Bob: The word “can” is the first part of can’T.
Bob- I know, but I can’t because something is beaming aboard!
Chode- Ahhh! Clownzooka chew-n-spit gum!
Gus- A man of refined tastes.
Chode- A door is not a door when it’s a jar! That kills me!
Gus- If only it were that easy.
Chode- [ Sniffing in bliss ] Yumberry surprise!
Six- Wait, we don’t even know who sent it or why.
Chode- It’s probably a gift from someone I saved on this or that planet years ago who never got around to properly thanking me.
Gus- Yes, the most optimistic, vainglorious explanation is usually the right one.
Chode- Ohhhh – yam and coke!
T’Nuk- Whip’s gone blind! Whip’s gone blind!
Chode- Well he has been listening to an awful lot of alterna-rock. If you quit badgering him about how it happened, maybe it’ll clear up on its own! Bob. Three to beam down. Now. Uh… where are we?
Six- We’re supposed to be right in the middle of Sailor Pete’s lot.
Gus- Yeah, sorry about that. Bob’s tracking device is off by around a mile. Well, between one and 750 miles.
Six- C’mon. It’s this way.
Chode- It doesn’t take much to make these imbeciles happy. Ohhhh! Blueberry quail!
Gus- I have to say this is my kind of planet. Manicured lawns, sensible gardens and you could eat off the streets! How do the Snozzilians keep their planet so tidy?
Chode- Beats me. Uh-oh.
Cop- You. In the purple. Step away from the gum!
Gus- Just like in my dream!
Investigator 1- Coming through, coming through… is that what I think it is?
Investigator 2- Oh yeah. It’s gum alright. This thing’s been chewed on more than my ex-wife.
Investigator 1- Can you believe this? Apparently the death penalty isn’t a strong enough deterrent to the chronic polluter.
Investigator 2- My dad was killed by a chronic polluter… just like you.
Investigator 1- If I hadn’t already started my report, I’d pop you, your family, friends… and crew.
Investigator 1- I hate paperwork.
Gus- We’ll just be going now…
Six- wait, what happens to him?
Investigator 2- Oh we’ll take “good care” of him.
Reporter 1- Why’d you do it?
Chode- Well it is called chew-n-spit gum
Reporter 2- Did you grow up in a broken home?
Chode- Hey! Leave my family out of it!
Announcer- All the Snozzilians wanted was a chance to live in peace and harmony on a planet free of debris. But their dreams of tranquility, cleanliness and brotherhood were stained by a purple menace known as… …”the sidewalk soiler.” And for only 150 lorinian dollars, you can watch “the sidewalk soiler” receive his “just desserts” live on payyyy tv! Justice may not be pretty, but it makes greaaaaaaaaat television! So tune in this saturday and watch “good” triumph over “evil”…
Saturday… saturday… saturday…
Whip- Oh man, now I really wish I wasn’t blind. I mean, so I could help save Uncle Chode.
T’Nuk- This is serious. We have to make some hard decisions. I think it’s only fair that I get Chode’s room.
Gus- Now just a second, you tri-breasted beast. I am chief engineer, and if chode comes to an untimely end… … then I would be set free.
T’Nuk- Then it’s settled. I get chode’s room!
Gus- Yes… I guess you do.
Whip- Dude, now that you’re free, where are you gonna go?
Gus- Well, I’ve always wanted to visit Alpha Centuri. The fall there is quite lovely…
Six- Gus isn’t going anywhere.
Gus- I don’t have to make Alpha Centuri my first stop…
Six- no, Gus isn’t going anywhere and T’Nuk’s not getting chode’s room because Chode is still alive and he’s still captain of this ship! We need to come up with a plan to rescue him.
Investigator 1- Call it.
Investigator 2- Heads!
Investigator 1- Tails.
Investigator 2- You got to be bad cop last time.
Investigator 1- What did I tell you?
Investigator 2- Professionals don’t sulk.
Investigator 1- Thank you.
Chode- Uh… shouldn’t I have my lawyer present or something?
Investigator 2- Oh don’t worry, I’m here to make sure you’re not mistreated.
Investigator 1- Okay “soiler”, let’s see if lady luck is shining on you today.
Investigator 2- Oh good! If you answer honestly, we might not even have to spin again!
Chode- Great! Ask away!
Investigator 1- I’m gonna ask you once, once and you’d better start singin’ like a castrato.
Chode- What’s a castrato?
Investigator 2- Well, during the late 1600s, male opera singers with any talent would have their balls barbarically snipped so they could hit these remarkable high notes
Investigator 1- I want to know who else was involved in this plot, and I want to know now!
Chode- There wasn’t any plot!
Investigator 1- I see. So you just expect me to put on a bib, grab some salt’n’pepper and swallow all your bullshit
Investigator 2- Hey! Watch the language.
Investigator 1- Sorry.
Investigator 2- You got five seconds to cough up either names or blood, you hear me soiler?! Five…four…three…two…
Chode- wait! Which one of you is supposed to be “the good cop”?
Investigator 2- Ah, sorry, that would be me. Can we have a second here? Hey, you’re doing really good. He can be kind of a “Snarling Sam” sometimes, but he’s just trying to find out the truth.
Chode- I’m telling you the truth!
Investigator 2- Really? ‘Cuz if there’s something you’re holding back from him, you can just tell me and… he’ll never even have to know.
Investigator 2- For the last time: I’m not holding anything back! I am not part of any conspiracy! I am not part of any conspiracy!
Jim- The obviously guilty “sidewalk soiler” pretty much sealed his fate as he confessed to “acting alone” when he committed his unconscionable gum crime. Reactions to what is sure to be one helluva execution when we come back from these messages that are critical to our network’s very survival….
Whip- so that’s it then.
Gus- Yes. He’S… screwed.
T’Nuk- Tragic, tragic. But life goes on!
Gus- Yes, I’d like to make reservations for Alpha Centuri one way, first class…
Six- now listen up, you can go to alpha centuri, but it’ll be in pieces if you don’t help me rescue Chode, got it?
Gus- Of course. Anything I can do to help, you can count on me.
Whip- And me!
Six- Good, because I’m going to need all of you… what is that racket?
T’Nuk- What? A percentage of the sale goes towards his defense!
Penelope- I am in the process of defending a boy on planet 10 who is accused of serially molesting several innocent priests; the daughter of a zirconium diplomat who is accused of selling herself on ebay; and I am currently accused of murder by an ex-lover, who happens to be the D.A. Prosecuting this case!
Gus- Well we gave it our best shot. Do you validate?
Six- Sorry to have taken your time.
Penelope- Ah-ah-ah! I didn’t say I wouldn’t take the case, “miss thing.” I just think it would be a shame to watch an adorable purple hunk like chode be put to death while he’s still so… handsome. Tell me, is there someone special in his life?
Six- You’ll have to ask him that.
Penelope- Very well. I just need a few minutes to make myself presentable, and then I guess we should meet… … the accused.
Six- This is Penelope Schlubb, she’ll be defending your life.
Chode- Huh? Oh yes. Yes, nice to meet you.
Penelope- No, the pleasure is all mine.
Chode-So… tell it to me straight do I got a shot at licking this thing?
Penelope- I’m not going to lie to you chode. There is a slim chance of conviction since they do have you spitting out the gum on videotape, corroborated by several eyewitnesses and your own confession. But… …juries are impressionable. And I can be very, very… persuasive.
Computer- Thank you…”Captain Chode”… for your purchase of… “the sidewalk soiler’s electrocution.” A payment in the amount of “150 lorinian dollars” has been deducted from your account. Enjoy the show!
T’Nuk- Oh, don’t worry, I will!
Michael- Let’s get ready to dish out 10,000 volts of impartial justiiiice! Pay tv and hovercraft flying ships presents “the trial and electrocution of… the… century”!
Penelop- Just trust me. As long as we stay together, everything’s going to be okay. We’re going to win this thing.
Chode- Well if you’re convinced, then I’m convinced.
Guard- Hey soiler, it’s time for your last rights.
Chode- Hey, Penelope, what’s with the blues? I thought you said you could lick this thing?
Penelope- one way or another, I’m going to get you off. Promise.
Michael- And now… a little quiet, please, as intergalactic recording sensation Morona Kerry will sing “the star spangled banner.”
Morona- Hello, Cleveland! Ohhhhh say can you seeeeeeeeeee… … and the home of the braaaaave!
Michael- Isn’t she something? It wouldn’t be a trial without our next guest. She’s known affectionately as “the frying judge”, but it’s not because of her cooking skills! Say hello to Judge Juliiiiiiie!
Julie- You are filth! You are a disease!
Penelope- Your honor, those comments might not be entirely appropriate prior to…
Julie- Hey, little Miss Piglet, do you think this is a slop-a-teria? Is that why you have your mouth open?
Penelope- I really don’t appreciate..
Julie- who cares what you’d appreciate?! This is my courtroom! See? Robe? Gavel? Judge? Now set your curly-tail back in the trough and shut up!
Michael- She’s feisty for a grandmother, isn’t she? And it wouldn’t be a trial without the purple pest who started it all: Captainnnnn Choooooode! How are you doing today Chode?
Chode- Well Michael, I’ve had better days, but I’ve got my posse here and I feel like I’m going to walk out of here with the big “w”.
Michael- Wow! How ’bout that optimism?
Whip- Whatcha writin’ Gus?
Gus- Huh? Oh – just taking notes to help Chode win.
Michael- And now our legal referee Mills Paine will go over the rules.
Mills- Now, let’s have a good clean trial. I don’t want any funny business. When I say break, I want you to break. Got it?
[ Chode mumbles ] Bobo- Chode, just to show that there are no hard feelings, here.
Chode- Bacon’n’peppermint?! That’s my fave, hey! It was you who sent the gum!
Bobo- [ Laughs ] I told you that one day revenge would be mine and that day has arrived!
Chode- Why you floppy-shoe-wearin’ son-of-A…
Mills- Okay, break it up, break it up!
Penelope- What was that all about?
Chode- Bitch set me up.
Gus- Shhh, the jurors are lip-readers.
T’Nuk- I’ve had my eye on chode’s closet for some time. A bachlorette needs her…
Bobo- So using the videotape, eyewitness corroboration And your own stupid confession, you should be found guilty and executed before you can soil again!
Gus- So all one-way tickets to Alpha Centuri are non refundable, eh? Book it!
Bobo- … That’s why I expect you will find him guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Penelope- This purple victim grew up in the lap of poverty with no real father, and a young, sexually active mother. It was no picnic being the runt of the family, but young chode was clever, doing whatever he had to do in order to survive before rising up to become the captain of his own ship, performing humanitarian missions, feeding the hungry… by his own admission, he was ignorant of the laws in Snozzleland. He deeply regrets his transgression and has told me and several members of the clergy that the experience has made him a more responsible citizen of the world – and he feels with the lessons he’s learned, he could set an example for troubled youth and pregnant teens… so I ask you… ladies and gentlemen of the jury, citizens of the world and most honorable judge…
Whip- hey… hey! I can see!
Gus- Oh shut up!
Penelope- … I’m asking you for the good that lives inside each one of you, for the good of the nations, for the good of world peace… please don’t convict this sweet, handsome, beautiful, thoughtful…
Julie- go on…
Penelope- I… can’t, your honor. I’m sorry. I feel emotionally involved with my client. I am going to have to recuse myself due to my high ethics and morals.
Julie- I’m sure that’s just a technicality. Despite that eloquent speech, I have no choice but to instruct you to disregard the defense statements.
Jury Foreman- Everything?
Julie- I’m afraid so.
Foreman- Well, in that case, we find the defendant guilty as charged, and sentence him to death by slow electrocution.
Chode- Well… I guess this is it, old friend. You finally got your freedom.
Gus- I would give it all back just to have one more day with you.
Gus- Well, no. But life won’t be the same without you sir.
Michael- Don’t cry there chode, there’s still one man who can save you. Ladies and gentlemen, we are honored to have with us tonight the governor! That is if we had a governor… but we don’t! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Did you see his face folks?! We really had him goin’!
Chode- Wait – wait!
Executioner- What is it now?
Chode- I never had my last meal!
Executioner- Actually, whatever you ate yesterday technically was your last meal. He’s wired and ready to go!
Gus- Tell T’Nuk bye for me, okay?
Six- Where do you think you’re going? The chair’s power supply is in the basement. You and Whip take the stairs and I’ll go around and meet you there. Now!
Gus- We’ll never get past them. You didn’t let me finish! I was going to say we’ll never get past them without help from Six.
Bobo- So Chode, isn’t it ironic that after all our battles, it ends here, in a small planet in the middle of the…
Chode- Are you gonna bore me to death? Just pull the fucking Lever you gin-blossomed circus queen!
Bobo- That’s it! Goodbye Chode! I’ll see you in hell! Die! Die! Die!
Chode- You’re gonna fuck this up too aren’t ya, you strawberry cocked pie fucker!
Bobo- You will not ruin my glorious moment of revenge! Check on the power supply, and take some men with you!
Trooper- Sir, yes sir.
Whip- Oh! They’re coming!
Chode- You have got to be the dumbest fucking Clown in the entire universe. I got handed to you on a silver platter and you
still managed to…
Bobo- you were saying…?
Chode- Pfewwwwwwwwwww! Oh, daddy… aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
T’Nuk- Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!
Crowd- Mercy, mercy, mercy!
Julie- The court has decided to show mercy and let the accused go with electrocution time served.
Chode- Oh… is this heaven…?
Six- Come on Chode… let’s get you to bed.
Bobo- You may have dodged death’s cream pie today chode, but mark my words with a red grease pencil, the next time you might
not be so lucky!
Chode- God that broad’s ugly!
[ Crowd cheering ] Gus- Oh!?
[ Crowd screaming ] This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.
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