Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E09: Nature vs Nurture

Bob’s Opening Line- Who took my Lemoy CD?

Bobo- Surrender, Chode! And I will spare the lives of you and your crew!
Chode- You will?
Bobo- Of course not! [ Evil laugh ] By the way, what do you people think of that evil laugh? I’ve been working on it but I’m not sure it’s there yet.
Chode- Frankly it stinks!
Gus- Ewgh!
T’Nuk- I didn’t buy it.
Six- It sounded forced. Amateurish.
Whip- Pretty hokey.
Bobo- I told you I wasn’t ready! You people are a useless bunch of sycophants! And I’m sick! Sick of it I tell you!
Chode- Hello?! Mr. Hissy fit? Could we just finish up here?
Bobo- Oh, you’re finished alright.
Chode- Before you blow up my ship, at least let me release my precious cargo to you.
Bobo- Precious cargo? What is it?
Chode- You know how you love ice cream…
Bobo- Oooh! Gimme it! Gimme it! Gimme it!
Chode- Well, this ice cream is photon-torpedo flavored.
Bobo- Huh?! I’ll get you Chode
Six- Captain, we’ve only winged them. As soon as they recover, they’ll come after us.
Chode- Right. Warp speed, Bob!
Bob- Does anyone hear my ‘something’s horribly wrong’ alarm? Or has everyone gone deaf?
T’Nuk- We have damage to the warp drive, we’re going to have to head for the nearest planet for repairs.
Gus- The closest planet is Muldavia 5.
Chode- Is that the planet where the women are insatiable nymphomaniacs?!
Gus- No.
Chode- Damn! Where is that planet?!

Chode- Wow! So this is Muldavia. This is the kind of place I’ve always dreamed about living in.
T’Nuk- one of my sisters lived in Muldavia once.
Gus- Which one?
T’Nuk- The one I can’t stand. She’s pushy, she’s loud, and she’s a slut… the exact opposite of me!
Gus- Really?
Chode- Zip right into that spaceport there, Bob.
Bob- Zip? If any one cares, I can’t feel my landing gear.

Chode- Uh. Don’t shoot. I can explain everything.
Gus- What are they doing?
Chode- For some reason they’re looking at their shoes. Maybe it’s the way they greet each other. Everybody, look at your shoes!
Engineer- Greetings.
Chode- Sorry about the cock-eyed landing, but my ship’s on the fritz and…
Engineer- we will repair it immediately!
[ Snaps fingers and whistles ] Chode- Whoa, whoa, nice try buddy, but how ’bout a couple of estimates, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Engineer- There is no charge for the work. We are honored to have you visit our spacedock.
Gus- Honored? To have Chode? They mustn’t get many visitors way out here.
Six- Their behavior is odd.
Engineer- In the meantime, may we escort you and your entourage into the city?
Chode- By all means.
Six- Maybe we should stay with the ship in case it’s a trick.
Chode- Good idea. That’s smart.
Six- I meant all of us.
Chode- Not me, I wanna find out what else is free on this planet. Lead the way, my good man. What a nice friendly place.

Chode- They treat you like a king! Ok, watch the tentacles. I’m not gonna steal nothin’, you can check my pockets on the way out.

Chode-Hey, what kind of screwy mirror is this?
Philbrick- Brother! At last I’ve found you!
Chode- Whoa! Stay where you are. You may be good looking, but I’m not afraid to mess you up.
Philbrick- Don’t you see? You are my long lost twin! I’m King Regis Philbrick, ruler of all of Muldavia. And you are?
Chode- Chode. Commander of jupiter 42. But to tell you the truth, I don’t see any resemblance.
Philbrick- How bout if I slump like this, make my eyes shifty like that, and put a wise-ass smirk on my face like so!
Chode- You are my twin! But how?!
Philbrick- I think I can explain. My father, the late King Donald Pumpus the 27th told me I was adopted and that I had a twin somewhere in the universe.
Chode- You mean we’re brothers?
Philbrick- Yes, identical in every way. I guess our real parents couldn’t afford to raise two children, so they gave me up. It must have been heart wrenching. I wonder if we were both blessed with the same happy childhoods.
Chode- I wouldn’t bet on it.
Philbrick- on my fifth birthday, I got a supercomputer programmed with every video game on the planet. What did you get?
Chode- A pack of cigarettes.
Philbrick- When I was 16, they gave me my own arabian stallion and private riding lessons.
Chode- I had to drop out of school at 16 to help support our dear old mom and dad.
Philbrick- I received the best education money can by, you were forced to support our parents.
Chode- I like to think it gave me character.

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Chode- You want a date?
John- With you!? I’d rather get puked on.
Chode- That’ll cost you fifty.

Chode- I’d sure hate to be the loser our parents kept.
Philbrick- You are the loser they kept.
Chode- Oh yeah…
Philbrick- but now, fate has brought us together.
Chode- Yeah, so you can gloat. Well, forget about it. You might have had a perfect childhood, you might be rich, you might be powerful, you might have women at your beck and call… man, I got screwed.
Philbrick- But look at you now. You’re the captain of a star ship or some kind of sleazy ship. Free to roam the universe, with not a care in the world. Danger! Excitement! Adventure! I’m actually quite envious.
Chode- You mean you would rather have had my childhood instead of yours?
Philbrick- What are you, stupid? Of course not. But recently, the bureaucratic burden of ruling an entire planet has grown very heavy. I wish I could just get on a star ship and take off into who knows where!
Chode- Hey, it’s not as exciting as it sounds. You got it pretty good here bro.
Philbrick- Chode, what if we switched places? I’ll take your ship and be free to do as I please. And you can rule here and live in the lap of luxury.
Chode- Let me think abou… yes!
Philbrick- What of your crew? Do you think they will notice the switch?
Chode- Just pretend you’re an arrogant bastard who thinks only of himself.
Philbrick- Who needs to pretend?

Chode- I’m King Philbrick, I’m King Philbrick, not Chode but King Philbrick.
Majordomo- Does his majesty, King Philbrick wish anything before he starts the day? Your majesty? King Philbrick? King Philbrick, are you all right?
Chode- Oh me, heh, right, King Philbrick. Let’s see, just a quick trip to the throne and I’ll be good to go.

Chode-How am I supposed to take a crap on that? There’s no hole!

Philbrick- Greetings! My loyal subjects! My god, would you look at that starry sky! Think of the infinite possibilities.
T’Nuk- Somebody’s had too much coffee.
Six- Did you sleep well, Chode?
Philbrick- Who? Oh yes, yes I did. Not a care in the world! What’s on the agenda today? Are we going to steal something? Or con somebody?
Gus- We’re trying to lay low. The Dark Clowns are still in the area.
Philbrick- Oh yes, the dark clowns. What fun!
– [Both]: Huh?

Chode- This is the third damn building I’ve dedicated today. When do I get to have some fun?
Majordomo- Well, after this you’re giving a speech at the Ministry of Finance, then you’re scheduled to tour the Ministry of the Interior and then the Ministry of Defence.
Chode- Where the hell’s the Ministry of Booze and Sex?
Alien- Yaahaa!
Chode- Sorry, didn’t see your finger there. Slip that guy a couple of bucks would ya.

[ Beep! Beep! ] Philbrick- Oh look, time for lunch. What should I have… cornish game hen? Pheasant under glass? Duck  l’orange? Ewg! What’s this?!
T’ Nuk- I don’t know. But it was dead, so I cooked it.
[ Explosion ] Philbrick- Computer, scan the area immediately! Oh, that sounded good.
Bob- A Dark Clown battle cruiser has us in a tractor beam! I’M… trying… to resist but I can’T…
Gus- It’s Darph Bobo! He’s found us.
Philbrick- Don’t worry, loyal crew, I’ll handle this. Screen on! Screen on. I love this.
Bobo- Hello, chode. Or should i just call you dead meat.
Philbrick- Quiet, insolent knave and be gone! You are interrupting my lunch.
Bobo- Oh, is that so?! Well I’m about to interrupt your rotten little life permanently!
Philbrick- Keep it up and I will be forced to send the royal guard after you and have you thrown into the dungeon!
Gus- Would now be a good time to remind you that we don’t have a royal guard?
Bobo- Activate the laser shredder!
Philbrick- Uh. I think my phone’s ringing…
Whip- I don’t hear anything.
Philbrick- Uh, in Muldavia. I’ll just take the shuttle and go answer it.
Six- May I remind you, the captain is supposed to go down with the ship.
Philbrick- I’m not the captain!
Six- I suspected it for some time. Who are you and where is captain chode?
Philbrick- Where I should be! In the lap of luxury having the time of his life.

Chode- Oooh. I’ve never shaken so many hands or kissed so many snot-nosed babies in my life. What a miserable racket this turned out to be. Ooh, a hot bath, that’s what I need.
Majordomo- You rang, your highness.
Chode- A hot bubble bath and hurry.
Majordomo- I’m sorry sir, all of the servants quit today.
Chode- Why?
Majordomo- The royal coffers are empty. You’re flat broke.
Chode- When did this happen?
Majordomo- I’ve been telling you this for years, but you just kept spending all our money on booze and phone sex.
Chode- Hmm? How am I supposed to pay for booze and phone sex now?! Why, that no good philbrick should rot in hell!
Majordomo- That’s my line. Draw your own tub, fatso!
Chode- Being king sucks the big one.

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T’Nuk- We can’t break free. We’ll need some kind of devious trick to get away. only the mind of a sneaky, twisted weasel of a man can save us! Chode, what are you waiting for?!
Six- He’s not chode.
Philbrick- No, but I am a sneaky, twisted weasel of a man. It runs in the family. Chode’s my twin brother.
Bobo- I hope you don’t mind, but I thought it would be fun if I televised your death. The networks are always looking for the next cheap reality show. You have five minutes to live! But it will be painfully stretched over 10 episodes. Screen off! How did I sound? I don’t want to be totally unsympathetic.
Gus- Try totally pathetic.
Bobo- I said screen off! Is that so hard? I just can’t work under these conditions.
Six- Maybe we can contact Chode before it’s too late.
Philbrick- Good idea. Two dirty minds are better than one!

Philbrick- Chode! Are you there?
Chode- Philbrick, is that you?
Philbrick- Yes, I need your help.
Chode- I’ll say you do, you’re dead broke!
Philbrick- Oh, that. Didn’t I mention that?
Chode- No. You didn’t ya skunk.
Philbrick- Well, anyhoo, Darph Bobo has us in a tractor beam and is going to kill us on live television!
Chode- Oh. Just tell Bobo there’s a chest full of something precious on board. Like uh, uh…
Philbrick- uh… ice cream?!
Chode- No I already used that one. Wow, we really are twins. Uh, make it chocolate bars this time. Then, when he demands the chocolate be sent over, send a box with a thermo nuclear bomb inside. There’s one under my bed.
Philbrick- But won’t we be blown up with him?
Chode- Nah, they have to turn off the tractor beam to beam something over. Tell six to have the hyper drive ready and boom!
You’re outta there and all that’s left of bobo is some fried clown fritters. What the hell is that?
Philbrick- Uh… if history is repeating itself, I’d say it’s an ugly violent peasant revolt. Which usually ends in somebody’s royal head getting lopped off and stuck on a stick!
Chode- I’m too young to die!
Philbrick- That’s what King Trumpus the 27th said right before they killed him. Ooops! Gotta go!
Angry mob- Philbrick! Are you in there?! Come out and take your punishment like a man!
Chode- [Voice changed] I’m sorry, he’s not here! I think he’s on the second floor… eating cake while you starve.
Mob- He’s not gonna get away with that! C’mon!!

Philbrick- Greetings, evil one!
Bobo- Oh, what is it! I’ll have you know begging for mercy won’t work.
Philbrick- Please accept a small token in hopes that we may start a dialogue and resolve the differences between us.
Bobo- It better be a hell of a big token.
Philbrick- Would a case of chocolate bars be to your liking?
Bobo- Exactly how stupid do you think I am? You beam the chocolate bars over and there’s a thermo nuclear bomb inside instead… I have no intention of falling for that… is that milk chocolate or dark chocolate?
Philbrick- Mmmm. Dark chocolate.
Bobo- With nuts?
Philbrick- Almonds…
Bobo- almonds?!
Philbrick- Did I say almonds? I meant hazelnuts!
Bobo- Hazelnuts! Prepare to die!
Philbrick- [Giggles] What am I thinking? These aren’t hazelnuts, they’re macadamia nuts.
Bobo- Macadamia nuts?!! With dark chocolate?! Tell me there’s a raisin and I’ll…
Philbrick- well, whatdoyaknow. I just bit down on a big fat juicy raisin.
Bobo- Lemme think about it!I thought about it. Send it over! I’m putting the laser shredder in neutral, but I’m warning you, one push of a button and you’re all ground beef!
Whip- Wow, Uncle Chode, nice going.
Six- He’s not Chode, he’s Chode’s twin.
Philbrick- Allow me to introduce myself: I’m King Philbrick of Muldavia. Please, no bowing.
T’Nuk- You’re as arrogant and full of yourself for no good reason as Chode.
Philbrick- It’s all in the genes.
T’Nuk- By the way, where’d you get a chocolate bar?
Philbrick- Oh there’s a big case under Chodes bed next to the bomb. T’Nuk- Bastard! And he knows how much I crave chocolate when I’m in heat.
Philbrick- And judgin’ from the looks of ya, I’m bettin’ that’s pretty often, galzilla.
T’Nuk- How would you like a size twelve hoof up your royal ass?
Six- People, our lives are at stake here. It’s important we focus!
Philbrick- She’s right! Do those nipples always stay hard? Sorry. Focus people!!

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Majordomo- Uh. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to leave your highness in his hour of need!
Chode- I’m guessin’ the roads were blocked and there’s no way out of town.
Majordomo- Bingo.
Chode- Uh, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna start making some decrees. From this moment on, prostitution is legal. The  drinking age is lowered to ten. And we’re startin’ a lottery to refill the royal coffers.
Majordomo- What do we use for prize money?
Chode- Oh that’s simple. It’s just a fraction of what the suckers pay in.
Majordomo- Oh your highness, why did I ever doubt your low minded treachery?! And may I add, this silver dress sets off your eyes beautifully.
Chode- Hey, this king’s not looking for a queen. Now get up off your knees and start decreeing, because I’ve gotta sneak outta here to see a clown about a bomb.
Majordomo- But your majesty. We need you.
Chode- Oh I’ll be back. Or someone that looks just like me.

Bob- Warning! Muldavian royal super shuttle is docking.  Additional warning, woman driver at the wheel!
T’Nuk- Oh my god! You could be brother and sister!
Philbrick- What are you doing here, I can handle this.
Chode- I wanna make sure I’m on this ship when it goes into hyperdrive and you’re the chump stuck ruling that bipolar mob in Muldavia.
Six- Is that the only reason you came back?
Chode- Hey, you’re a bunch of misfits and outcasts, but your my misfits and outcasts. And well, I’ve kinda gotten use to ya. Ok, enough mushy stuff. Beat it bro!
Philbrick- You know, in your own way, you’re really a king too. By the way, do my loyal subjects still want to kill me?
Chode- Nah, I fixed all that. At least I think I did.

Bobo- Where is my chocolate and why are you wearing a dress?
Chode- Your chocolate should be there any minute and I am wearing a dress because it’s laundry day and I don’t have anything else clean.
Bobo- Well you look ridiculous!
Chode- You’re just saying that because you couldn’t pull this ensemble off with your chicken legs!
Bobo- Enough!! I want my chocolate bars and I want ’em now!
Six- We’re ready for hyperdrive, sir.
Chode- Here they come, bobo. You’re gonna love ’em, they’re the bomb!
Bobo- Oh crap. Not again.

Philbrick- I owe you a great debt. I’ve never seen my people so happy. They’ve promised to erect a statue to me as soon as they… sober up.
Chode- Hey, no thanks is necessary. Unless it’s in the form of some under the table kickback.
Philbrick- I’ll see what I can do.
Six- I find it extremely interesting that two people raised so differently can turn out so much alike.
Gus- Yeah, they’re both greedy bastards. only difference is one of ’em wears a crown.
Philbrick- Well, in the game of nature versus nurture, I’d say the score is nature: Two, nurture: Zero. Farewell my brother!
Chode- Yeah, see ya around, but not around Muldavia. What?
Whip- Were you just trying to see how the other half lives?
Gus- Maybe he just wanted to walk a mile in somebody else’s heels.
Chode- All right, that’s it! Everybody back to work. And I mean now! Six- Sheesh, what a grouch.
T’Nuk- Pms.
[ Laughing ] Chode- This is the thanks I get? This is the last time I save this bunch of ingrates. God, these panties are riding up my crack!
T’NUk- You should do what I do, don’t wear any! [ Laughing ] Chode- Eeeew! Just when I was thinking it was good to be home.

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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