This episode opened with another space shuttle hurtling towards the LEXX. It was manned by two Space Shuttle drivers and the head of the dreaded Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF), Ismbard Prince.
Xev and Kai leave the LEXX to head for Earth in a Moth and they pass the Space Shuttle. The drivers are shocked at the sight of the little bug but Prince suggested that they take a closer look. He told them both to go on a space walk, which they did – unfortunately for them, they were told by NASA to obey any of Prince’s commands.
Sure enough, as soon as the start their space walk, Prince drives off. In fact he drove right into one of them and we watched in horror as one of them and he bounced off the side of the ship before being caught up in the heat of the Shuttle’s exhaust.
Meanwhile, Kai and Xev land in Texas. A pair of young scientists track the Moth as it entered the atmosphere, they watch their monitor with interest as three stealth fighters attempt to engage the Moth by firing a whole bunch of missiles at the little bug. Kai, cool as ever, engages the help of 790 who interferes with the missiles tracking system. The missiles are re-targeted to hit the fighters and the stealth fighters are destroyed.
Xev and Kai fly by a petroleum refinery in the desert. Unfortunately, the moth is drawn to an exhaust flame and is headed for certain self destruction (?!?!) I know, I know, moths aren’t normally prone to flying into naked flames in daylight.
Kai suggests that he stay with the Moth and try to limit the damage that it causes to itself. He also suggests that Xev jump (! – not very chivalrous is it?). To make things worse, he actually wished her luck as she fell a couple of hundred feet to the ground.
Xev didn’t fall to hear death, she simply landed in an open pipe, rattled around a bit and seemed to fire out the other end, landing comfortably on the ground in front of the refinery.
Texan petroleum refineries it seems, don’t have petroleum in their pipes. The un-chivalrous dead dude however, managed to regain some sort of control over the Moth (now with it’s wings on fire) and landed heavily a few hundred yards away, behind a ridge.
Back on the LEXX, Stan is bored. He counts the number of planets in the solar system and decides to blow up Pluto. The bimboesque LEXX obliges and fires a circular bolt of destruction (at what must have been warp 350) from one end of the Solar System to the other to blow up the small insignificant cold grey planet (that it had taken centuries to discover). LEXX’s aim is perfect, he blows up Pluto with his first shot.
Stan’s euphoria is short lived however, when the dastardly Prince calmly walks onto the Bridge. Stan is not only shocked he’s mortified. Prince calmly responds by telling him that he is Ismbard Prince, Director of the ATF.
Xev wonders around the desert looking for Kai when she is picked up by the side of a road by a young Texan dude. “Wanna go to ma place honey child.” He says (with a twinkle in his eye).
“Sure.” Says Xev sweetly (with a burning in her loins). She hops into his pickup truck and they head off down the highway.
When they get to his house he invites her in, grabs himself a beer and turns on the TV (?!?! – that wouldn’t have been my choice. I guess you only do that when your married!). Xev sits beside him and they briefly watch Mr. Priest’s inauguration speech. Then the young weird Texan dude looks intently at Xev and asks, “Honey child. Will you marry me?”
“What!” Says a surprised Xev.
“… I feel it in ma bones that you are ma one and only, forever. And dag-nammit, I lerve you.” He said to the flattered love slave. But Xev would rather skip the joining and get straight to the coupling.
The young Texan dude sits back with a stern expression on his face, “I can’t do that honey child….. because….. this is Texas.”
Back on the bridge of the LEXX, 790 is trying to persuade Prince to kill Stan. But Prince wants to try a different approach. He asks Stan exactly what he wants. Stan tells him, (the usual stuff, sandy white beaches, women with open minds – and desperate enough, etc.).
But then Prince changes his mind yet again and decides to put handcuffs on Stan. I’m not quite sure what Princes game is, but I wish he’s hurry up and decide – he’s either indecisive, just toying with Stan or the trip to Earth turned him into a nutter. Prince tightens the handcuffs and finally admits that he is the real Prince (of Fire).
Meanwhile, in the desert, the two young scientists that tracked the Moth as it entered the Earths atmosphere, ran into Kai. They slowed down to speak to him, but Kai turned to them calmly, “Have you seen a love slave called Xev dressed in a suit made from cluster lizard skin?” He asked.
“I wish!” Said a chubby geeky geezer (echoing the thoughts of half viewing audience). Kai politely asked them for a lift and they oblige, not quite believing their luck.
On the LEXX Prince is toppled off the edge of the bridge when Stan quickly commands LEXX to tilt to one side. Prince hangs by his fingertips and pleads with Stan to pull him up. Stanley is perplexed by Prince’s attitude. Prince wouldn’t be worried about death; he’d just come back to life again. Could it be that Prince can only live once on Earth?
Unfortunately for Stan, 790 purposefully bumps into him and knocks him off the bridge as he crouches down to talk to Prince. He falls over the edge. Like Prince, Stan managed to hang on to the ledge by his fingertips. Prince capitalises on the situation by using Stan’s dangling body to help himself up.
Back on the ranch (or at least the trailer), the young Texan dude has invited a few of his chums round for a drink and to meet the fiancé. They happily listen to a Xev sing,
“I’m getting hotter, I’m getting hungry too,
My mouth makes water when I look at you,
I want to take you, do you think I could?
I want to eat you, do you think I should?
I’m a Cluster Lizard and you smell so good,
I’m a Cluster Lizard and you smell so damned good”
Yep, I know the words were pretty crappy, but Xev sang them well – By the way the song was sung to tune of the ‘Kai and his girlfriend love song’ from Brigadoom.
The Texans were very impressed with the song (or more likely, a half naked and somewhat naive looking sex-goddess) they clapped happily. Xev was pleased with the praise and, as if on a role, went on to tell them all about her appetite for sex. Rooster, her betrothed wasn’t happy about the conversation at all and quickly decided to end the party. As each of his pals were leaving, they each asked Xev to meet him later. Rooster learns of this and with a determined expression, loads his shotgun.
The young scientists take Kai to their headquarters. There he meets a stuffy looking older scientist called Ernst Longbore (known to most of us as the Wozzard from ‘Woz’ in Season 2). He doesn’t seem pleased to see Kai and immediately asks if Kai (and presumably the LEXX) can take him and his associates to another planet.
Prince and Stanley meanwhile, have boarded a Moth and are headed back to the Earths surface. Stan is still handcuffed and miserable, but Prince is happy to be going back to the surface. He kisses Stan on the Cheek. Stanley grimaces and asks Prince, “So what is this Earth, is it a good planet?…..”
“It’s a bad planet Stanley. It’s a splendidly bad planet.” Replies Prince smugly.
Stan explains that the planet is doomed because it’s a ‘type 13’ planet. He suggests that Prince turn the Moth around and return with him to the LEXX. Prince would like to take Stanley up on his offer, but not just yet. He has lots of bad things he wants to do there first. Prince flies the Moth to his secret AFT bunker.
Kai is explaining some of the markings on the LEXX to the Doctor. Longbore is interested in the LEXX symbol, he has seen it before. He shows Kai the symbol and the various places it has shown up in Earth culture. Longbore tells him how it is normally associated with death.
Kai asks him about his research. It turns out that Longbore is one of a group of scientists interested in determining the mass of the Higgs Bosen particle. He managed to work out that the experiments were dangerous and that if they continued, they would ultimately cause a chain reaction that would collapse all matter on the planet into that of an ultra-dense particle about the size of a pea). That is the reason why he and his team want to leave the planet – none of the scientific community will head his warning.
Next day, Rooster completely loses his head and shoots up his pals as they attempt to meet with the luscious Xev. The last one manages to fatally wound Rooster and as Xev comes out to find out what is going on.
Rooster collapses to the ground and tells her, “Honey child. You are my one and only woman.” (wadda jerk!) Xev looks at him and frowns, “What a waste.” She says.
Dr Longbore tells Kai that he estimates that it will take approximately 12 months for the scientists of Earth to determine the mass of the Higgs Bosen particle and therefore the people of Earth have 12 months or so before they die. Kai seems particularly interested in one of the pictures with the LEXX symbol on it – It looks very much like a picture of His Divine Shadow. Which seems right and proper of course since the LEXX symbol was also the symbol of the Divine Order.
The police arrive at Rooster’s trailer and Xev tries to explain the demise of Rooster and his pals. That’s implausible enough, but when she also tries to explain that she’s a love slave from B3K in the Light Universe and that the Light Universe was destroyed by Drone arms….. the Sheriff not surprisingly, arrests her.
Stanley isn’t doing too well either. Prince has him tied to the wall next to the young boy who first spotted the LEXX. The two of them are perched next to each other. “Don’t worry, after a few weeks you get used to it.”
In the vastness of space, the LEXX continues to orbit the Earth. Then suddenly lots of little star shaped drones wiz by on their way to Earth – they look like big carrots with mechanical legs.
And there the show ended. This episode seemed a little disjointed to me, but it still seems to me that the scene is being set for things to come. It was nice to see Walter Borden back as Dr Longbore.
I’d rate this episode a carrot curdling 23,582 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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