Production 3
Direction 2
Characterisation 3
Storyline 3
Acting 4
Fun/Sexy/Cool 5

I just get the impression that the beans are filling out the middle section of the series with pointless episodes ready for the big finale at the end

Summary 3.3 crappy
Production 0
Direction 0
Characterisation 0
Storyline 0
Acting 0
Fun/Sexy/Cool 0
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Summary 0.0 terrible

LEXX: S04E13: 769

769The show begins as Prince enters the toilet – the LEXX toilet. He takes his handgun (yes gun … honest) and… and… no he doesn’t shoot the toilet, he hides it behind the toilet seat in plain but muted view of the ever watchful toilet tongue.

Toilet gun shinnanigans

Ahh, the show hasn’t lost any of its charm.  I was worried after the last episode, and to be honest, this episode wasn’t much better.  But when one opens the review of a sci fi show with the paragraph above, one tends to realise just how special the LEXX series is.

Just as Prince finishes his business, 790 trundles in through the open door (not very private is it?). Quick, we don’t have much time.”  It says.

Time for what.” Replies Prince.

I would like to make a proposal.” Says the robot head.  It then goes on to tell an unsurprised Prince that it is not concerned with Xev, Stanley, LEXX or Earth.  It only cares about Kai.

They discuss the likelihood that Lulu escaped from the LEXX and still has the key.  Prince however, has assumed that Lulu wasn’t able to leave the LEXX because all his resources in the AFT have not been able to locate her on Earth – she must therefore have died during the attempt to leave.

790 further supposes that the key must be with one of the Moth Breeders, since they were the only humanoid life forms aboard at that time.

Realising that 790 might be of use Prince tells the disloyal robot head, “790, you have a deal.

YOU!At that point, Stanley walks in and is VERY upset at the idea that Prince and 790 have concocted a vicious plan.  He takes Prince to the Bridge where Prince pleads (rather confidently) for his life by offering to get them some food (the LEXX as you may remember, is not able to produce food).

Stanley instructs Kai to Kill Prince but changes his mind at the last minute.  I guess hunger got the better of him.  It’s also not a merciful thing to do.  Prince knew that they wouldn’t kill him – he knew that they’d wimp out.

Prince and the President leave in a Moth.  They leave Bunny behind, and she’s very sad about it!

Lucky BreederOf course, they haven’t gone back to the Earth, Prince and the President simply doubled back and landed in the room where the Moths are bred.  After 790 explains that the key will leave the suspect Moth Breeder when it reaches the height of sexual ecstasy or death, Prince instructs President Priest to strangle the breeders one by one.

When one of the Moth Breeders begins to exhibit signs that he/she/it has the key (a glowing yellow light appears in its hand).  Prince orders that the President stops strangling.

This is your lucky day.”  Prince tells the hapless Moth Breeder. He then takes the President, the Moth Breeder and 790 down to the White House on Earth where 790 is grafted onto the Moth Breeders shoulders.

The operation is a great success, except that it looks really stupid!    790’s head was, for some reason, grafted onto the Moth Breeders’ shoulder. It’s possible that the head was grafted there because the key is still with the Moth Breeder.  If they had chopped it’s head off and plonked 790’s there instead, the key would have escaped into someone else.

790 is delighted, “On the Cluster, a 790 robot attacked to a body that kept it’s original head was called a 769.  So that’s what you should call me now if you don’t mind.”  He says gleefully.

But this was only the first part of 790’s transformation.  The next part was considerably more disturbing.

On the LEXX, Bunny, Xev and Stanley decide to play Truth or Dare to while away the time.

Standing to attention?In the White House, Prince and 769 interrupt the President from important diplomatic duties.  They clear the dignitaries from the room and a whole group of soldiers.  They line up obediently in front of 769 and are told (without batting an eyelid) that they have been chosen for a special task because they have big willies.  Unfortunately for them, they don’t have to do anything with their big willies, all they have to do is allow it to be chopped off and grafted onto 769.

I think that 769 would then consider itself a manly male personage and amply endowed to give his lover, Kai, a bonk that he’d never forget.  And I’d tend to agree with that.  Having a purple geezer dressed in a one piece costume bonk your brains out with an 18 inch willie and metal robot head stuck to he shoulder would be pretty unforgettable!

Bunny kissOn the LEXX, Stanley dares Xev to give a ‘real live hot blooded human specimen’ a big love slave kiss.  Stan obviously assumed that this would be him, but Xev kissed Bunny instead.  It wasn’t much of a kiss was it?  If that’s as passionate as a love slave can get, I’d be pretty disappointed.  Bunny wasn’t disappointed at all.

Now it’s Bunny’s turn.  I’m sure she could dare them both to do whatever took her fancy.  Instead she asks a question, “Can I go to the toilet?”  Xev and Stan give her leave to go and wash her hands but instead of using the toilet, she reaches behind and takes the gun that Prince left there. You can always tell a baddie by the way, because only baddies hide guns behind the toilet.  Remember the Godfather!

I’m only doing this for you Mr President.

She rushes off to the bedroom where Xev and Stanley are waiting patiently to continue their game.  As soon as she arrives she points the gun at them and tells them how reluctant she is to kill them.  Xev and Stanley try to talk her out of it, but Bunny is adamant. “Goodbye Stanley. Goodbye Xev, you’re a really good kisser.”  She points the gun and begins to squeeze the trigger….

It's workin' now mate!At the Whitehouse, a communication system has been set up so that The President and Mr. Prince can communicate with the LEXX.  As soon as the system is switched on, we see Bunny telling the President and Prince that she has killed Xev and Stanley (shot between the eye’s no less).  They tell her to bring the bodies back with her to the Whitehouse where they will be given a proper burial. They seem to overly express their dislike for Stanley almost as if they are goading him to come out of hiding and confront them.  As soon as the communications link is broken, Stanley appears with Xev and mutters that he will kill the President and Prince as soon as they get to Earth.

As soon as his large front pointy operation was completed, he’d taken a Moth and headed straight for the LEXX to erm… confront Kai.

He arrives on the LEXX to the mild surprise of Xev, Stanley and Bunny. “790?” Asks Stanley.

769 goes on to explain that he is a newer, improved version (if that were the case why wouldn’t he be a 796!?) and wonders off to find Kai. – A date with a dead man!  The rest of them follow 769 to the cryo-chamber.

Whats Kai looking at?In a mildly comical scene, 769 explains that he is the new improved 790 and begins to caress the dead man.  Then he erm.. caresses… erm.. himself.  As the others arrive he tells them that it’s ok for them to watch, but that they shouldn’t get in the way.

I am now the proud owner of the biggest weapon of them all.  It’s stuffed with explosives and it’s about to explode with love! – And it has Kai stamped on the side”  Says 790, presumably to try and excite Kai.

He then asks Kai to bend over.  “Why?” asks Kai innocently.

Stanley interrupts and questions 769 as to what he did for Prince and The President in return for his new bits.  Kai orders 769 to answer and the manic robot head with the new body and weapons complies.

769, having completed the story asks that he be allowed to get on with pleasing his dead man.  But Xev tells Kai that he should not go through with 769’s plan. “Why?” asks Kai. That’s a bit of a slap in the face isn’t it?!  All through Season 2, Xev was throwing herself at the dude and all he would indicate is that the dead do no bonk!  It’s a whole different ball game now isn’t it?  I guess it’s a lot less effort to bend over than to modify your power-rods.

In the end, 769 just ignores them and begins a sort of foreplay with Kai (who just watches bemused).  The robot head with the bits continues to get more and more excited until … until….

Well nothing actually.  We assume that there was a moment of intense sexual pleasure because the key left the Moth Breeders body (now 769) and went into Bunny who was watching nearby.

An 'ap chow liggy'Unfortunately for 769, it bumped into Bunny and then had the audacity to call her a bubblehead.  Bunny took exception to this and a sharp forward thrusting kick to the robot head, knocking it off the Moth Breeders shoulder.  790 screams as he rolls along the floor.

Stanley and Xev are relieved that 790 is back to his normal impotent self and a decision is made to half Prince’s meddling once and for all.  Kai leaves in a Moth for the Whitehouse where he intends to sharpen his handy wrist gadget on Prince’s neck bone.

Later The President and Prince (pointing a gun) enter the LEXX Bridge.  They hadn’t been in the Whitehouse when Bunny communicated with them, instead, they had pre-recorded a message ready for he call and boarded a Space shuttle to return to the LEXX.  They had done this so that they would arrive when Kai was on Earth. Whew!  That’s godda be the weakest and weirdest plan I’ve ever heard!

Stanley and Xev are tied up on the Bridge.  They are about to be shot by The President when Kai appears on the monitor.  Kai agrees not to kill Prince and The President provided they do not shoot Xev and Stanley and also that he is allowed to play Prince another game of chess (?!?!).

The President, Prince and Bunny try to leave the LEXX before Kai gets back.  Bunny and the President manage to steal a moment to get hot and passionate (and so easy is it to make the characters of this show achieve sexual ecstasy that they key whizzes out of bunny and back into a Moth Breeder in the Moth Breeding Chamber).  They are eventually interrupted by Prince who hurries them along.

Aimed at Prince

Unfortunately they weren’t quick enough.  Kai returned and allowed Bunny and the President to leave (as per their arrangement) but did NOT allow Prince to go with them.  Instead, he agreed to play the game of chess as promised, but AFTER Prince was dead.  Apparently, People on Brunnus II could play chess after they had died (so Kai said!).  With that puzzling comment the dead man killed Prince.

As they fly back to Earth, Bunny and The President ponder their newfound freedom.  With Prince gone, the can pretty much do as they please.  However, they believe that Bunny still has the key to the LEXX and therefore, the only thing that they are unable to do is make love! Of course, we all know that another Moth Breeder has the key.

On the LEXX, Xev is feels like exploring a Moth breeder, a Moth Breeder with a new, improved front pointy bit. She leaves to investigate.

The show closes with a dead Prince dissolving in a ball of light, presumably to be re-incarnated back on the Earth, possibly in time for Bunny and the President’s arrival at the Whitehouse.

Ho Hum, I’m afraid I wasn’t as impressed with this episode as I was with the last.  I just get the impression that the beans are filling out the middle section of the series with pointless episodes ready for the big finale at the end – at least I hope there is a big finale!

I’d rate this a meagre 16,002 out of 10.  What did you think?

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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.