LEXX: S02E04: Luvliner

The show opens with a wonderful scene of Xev’s gyrating hips. She was dancing horizontally while dreaming. She was breathing heavily, she was twisting, turning and doing rather a lot of yearning. I don’t quite know what she was dreaming of, but I wished it was about me!

Stan too, was having a restless night. It can’t be much fun for a sex-starved cowardly old-geezer lying in the next bedroom to a drop-dead-gorgeous redhead dreaming the dreams that he wants so desperately to be a part of.

790 too is intoxicated by Xev’s sleepy grunting and groaning, he recites the words, “On a branch there is a fruit, plump and ripe for sucking. In her bed there is a body, hot and ripe for …” 790 stops suddenly and we all mentally complete the sentence (yes you did!). He was rudely interrupted by a broadcast from a nearby satellite station called Luvliner.

The Luvliner advertising message broadcast views of attractive scantily clad women and muscle clad geezers and provided the most cheesy dialogue I’ve ever heard (reminded me a little of my own chatup-lines). If it weren’t for the shapely figures wiggling around on the screen, we’d all have laughed out loud. As it was, most of us were squinting, trying to get another view of that girl dressed in the very small furry underwear or the muscly bloke who expressed very clearly, that dancing is the vertical representation of a horizontal desire!

The broadcast wakes Stanley and Xev. They hurriedly put some clothes on and go to the bridge to find out where the broadcast originates. “My name is Denita, do you know where my hand is right now? And do you know what I’d rather have there?” By this time the unnapreciative 790 probably considered a number of alternatives (chainsaw cames to mind). But Xev and Stanley looked at each other with feelings of intense anticipation.

Stanley asks if LEXX managed to get the co-ordinates (green sector I think – or was it cream sector?). He sets a course for Luvliner with Xev’s full support.

When they arrive, the glossy image of the Luvliner Satellite is slightly tarnished by a rather dire looking space station and to make things worse, the bloke at erm…. Reception looks very sleazy indeed:

“Welcome to Luvliner, we love having you here. Wadda ya want. Speak!” He says rather dismissively. Stanley Tweedle explains that they would like “Action”.

“Well it’s all here. Babes, boys, beasts, thinner or fatter/ hunks, chunks, monks, twins dipped in batter/ the wiggle, the jiggle, the ooo-la-la, people to spank you and sheep to go Baaa.”

Unfortunately they don’t have any money. Now brothels, I suppose, can be funny about people with no money and the ‘receptionist’ (called Schemmi) basically tells them to sod off! Xev reminds Stan of the currency they used to get into the Medical Terminal and Stanley demonstrates the power of LEXX (and the urgency of his own sexual need) by blowing up a nearby moon – KABOOM!

Schemmi suddenly changes his mind, “Hey, I almost forgot…. It’s Bob’s Comet day…. And we like to mark the occasion with samples on the house!”

Stanley, Xev and 790 enter what can best be described as Sleaze Central! The Luvliner was rather dowdy looking. Dark and miserable, the main reception area filled you with an immediate feeling of foreboding! To make things worse, the sexual protagonists, the professional’s employed to supply the erm… product, looked like they would be more at home on a farm!

One particular old, fat geezer asked Xev if she fancied a dip in the water. Xev politely declined. This guy may have been attractive to some fat, ugly old woman, but he certainly wasn’t what Xev was looking for! Personally, I’d have kicked the sleezeball in the groin, but the geezer looked like he might have enjoyed it!

Schemmi, the sleazy receptionist and manager of Luvliner, provides 790, Xev and Stanley with keys to their very own rooms of passion and pleasure. Stanley and Xev enter their respective rooms with great anticipation, only to find that they look more like toilets. In each of the rooms, there is a console that allows the customer to choose their prospective partner from a display of holograms.

Xev is impressed with the selection. She is very particular about the partner she chooses however, and takes her time.

790 is presented with a comical array of household appliances as partners. Everything from a liquidizer to a toaster.

For the more kinky and discerning robot heads, there are even a number of garage tools such as a pair of pliers! (the mind boggles!). He insists that he only wants Xev.

Stanley’s selection is a little more limited! Well, actually there are two holograms he can choose. A fat ugly woman (probably the wife of the fat ugly old geezer in reception) or some old gay geezer! Stanley is not impressed at all:

“Is this machine busted!” he exclaims.

Meanwhile, Schemmi is in frantic contact with the local evil, madgeezer called Aulk. They discuss the opportunity for stealing the LEXX. Schemmi has to quickly turn his attention to a complaint from Stanley. He suggests that Stan dim the lights a little (I think Stanley feels that it would require something more drastic). Finally, a lady (and I use the term loosely) enters the room. Stan is still not impressed and blurts out that he was expecting someone who was a little better ‘endowed’. While most of us were trying to work out if the lady was in actual fact a gentleman, the lady gradually sweet talks Stanley by massaging his ego and a certain place between his legs.

Xev makes a choice. She chooses a bloke with a macho sounding name called Varrtan. Unfortunately for Xev, as soon as he enters the room, he promptly falls in love with her (as you do). Xev becomes very frustrated indeed as she tries to encourage him to get his clothes off and make with the grunting and groaning and squelching noises, but this wimp is having none of it! She also makes the mistake of telling him that she is a virgin. Now most blokes would have been impressed with Xev’s eagerness and erm…. inexperience, but this muscly shrimp delays their sexual coupling with stupid phrases like, “You are too special to waste on some cheep throw-away encounter!” etc. Wadda twerp! “I must gaze on your body, adore you, savour these sweetest of moments….” barf barf. She tells him to ‘just get on with it!’ and eventually manages to manhandle him onto the bed.

790 on he other hand, is about to experience a nightmare of catastrophic proportions. Our sweet and innocent robot head encounters Schemmi! This geezer’s sexual depravity is monstrously impressive. He places 790 on a small box and strips for action! Schemmi’s gear is great! He has leather trousers atop a vest made of little lights and lace fabric (and what looks like fishing flies)! a large flashing groinal attachment!, lights round his spectacles and an awesome mouthpiece!, but the pieste-resistance is that stupendous pink furry glove! (I want one!). He puts on the glove to the sound of 790’s screams. 790 can guess what is going to happen – which is more than I can!

How the hell do you have sex with a talking tin can! I mean, no matter how much of a sexual deviant you are, at the end of the day, it’s an inanimate object. These are not exactly sexual athletes are they? Hell, maybe it’s me! I’m quite shy and innocent in such techniques, perhaps you would like to send me your thoughts and experiences in such matters and I can post them on this page – I would of course credit you with the submission.

In the next room, Stanley is just about to ‘get it on’ with the skinny flat-chested woman when the mad evilgeezer Aulk enters the room and shoots her! He and Stanley then enter 790’s room just in time to see Schemmi gyrating frantically with the robot head attached to his flashing groinal attachment! THE MIND BOGGLES! What IS the point of this!? The only thing I can liken it to, is shoving the kitchen clock down yer trousers! But let’s face it, that would be bloody uncomfortable (unless the alarm went off of course).

Schemmi gasps (or at least I think it was a gasp – I really don’t want to contemplate what else it could have been) and unhooks 790. He is only a little embarrassed. Then they all go to Xev’s room. Evil geezer Aulk shoots the muscle clad shrimp and learns that Xev is a virgin. He looks at her with a newfound appreciation, “You like to experience new things. I like to experience the new.”

They all head off to the LEXX. Xev and Stanley are tied to the console on the bridge. Schemmi contacts the owners of the Luvliner and hands in his resignation by blowing up the Luvliner. They are not impressed. Meanwhile the evilgeezer gets Kai and orders Schemmi to take a moth and deposit Kai and his Cryogenic chamber into the nearest sun.

This is done and Schemmi returns to the LEXX. Aulk then attacks Xev. This was a particularly distressing part of the episode as he tries to rape Xev. The poor old tin head is not able to save her as he too is preoccupied with the amorous Schemmi and his flashing groinal attachment. With Kai and his cryogenic chamber spinning to a heated oblivion Stanley is all that is left to save the day. He orders the LEXX to bank hard left and enables Xev to live a little longer. He then orders LEXX to retrieve Kai’s body. This is quite heroic of Stan who suffers at the hands (as opposed to the groinal attachment) of Schemmi for his insolence.

As the LEXX nears Kai’s chamber, he awakes and uses his handy wrist gadget to climb on-board the LEXX. Evilgeezer Aulk is despatched soon after. But Schemmi tries it on! “You have no idea what a horrible influence that guy was on me. He owned me, he controlled me, he forced me to commit terrible crimes! But thanks to you dear, special, and wonderful people, I am delivered from that unspeakable fiend. And now, I can devote myself, to the charitable work that I’ve always… aspired to. Ahhhh, thank you.. thank you.. thank you…” (Yeah right! I believed him! did you?)

Schemmi is promptly returned to his ex-boss. Kai returns to his cryogenic chamber and the LEXX continues its journey wiser (yet still unfulfilled – with the possible exception of 790, who will never be able to look a flashing blue light in the face ever again!)

This episode should have carried a health waning. I’ll warn you now. Don’t watch it while stoned – it’ll send you into a whitey! (so I’ve been told).

I’d have to rate this a sensitive 27,978 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.