The show opens with a passionate discussion between Stanley, Xev and 790. The LEXX is in the general vicinity of the Celes Pleasure transport and he is desperately trying to persuade 790 to help him find the exact co-ordinates.
Now it has to be said that as spaceship go, the Celes Pleasure Transport is the best I’ve ever seen. As you can see, it has curves in all the right places and the docking bay is just wonderful! Bright lights beckon the weary traveller to enter.
The monitor then shows a naked woman lying on silk sheets, “Welcome, this is the famous Celes Pleasure Transport.” She says in a husky German accent.
The Pleasure Transport is run on a barter system, Stanley doesn’t need money to enter, he simply needs something of value that can be exchanged. Stanley finds to his pleasure, that his name is all that is needed to get on-board. I suppose he feels that this is recognition of his fine work in helping to destroy His Divine Shadow.
Stanley enters the Pleasure Transport and is greeted by two lovely looking ladies of leisure. one is dressed in sort of silk outfit and the other in a sort of baby doll costume. They both dance provocatively in front of Stan. He moves on to a room with a wall made up of composite TV screens. The naked, Lissha says hello and then throws the largest looking condom you’ve ever seen over Stanley. The condom envelops Stanley completely and he falls to the ground. This was awful! I don’t know about you girls, but us blokes have nightmares about such stuff!
To make things even worse, a group of Heretics had staked out the Pleasure Transport in the hope that the Arch Traitor, Stanley Tweedle, would one-day return. Xev looks at the monitor on board the LEXX. A message is transmitted to the planets of the Light Zone, that Stanley has been apprehended. Xev goes to wake Kai.
What seems like moments later, we see the Grand Prosecutor, Jihana, arrive on the Pleasure Transport. She is an impressive woman, nice figure and smile and a very pleasant air of evilness. She waves away the greeting from her subordinates and asks that she be taken immediately to see the prisoner.
Kai is not as concerned with Stanley’s rescue as we might consider. He feels that, “If Stan is guilty then perhaps he should pay the price.” Xev can’t believe that the ineffectual Stanley Tweedle is incapable of any serious crime. They both leave to attend his trial.
Stanley is very upset at being detained in this way. He told by Jihana that, “On behalf of the Committee of the Lost Souls, I hereby place you formerly under arrest for the murder of 685 billion, 403 million people“. Wow! If yer gonna get arrested for something, you might as well go for the jackpot!
Jihana greets Xev and Kai as they enter the Pleasure Transport; she inquires politely if either of them knew Stanley before they captured the LEXX. Xev wishes to say nothing, but Kai co-operates and tells her that they did not. She seems satisfied by this and wonders off by herself to prepare for the trial.
This preparation involves choosing one of her subordinates to act as Stanley’s defence. She chooses a geezer called Nool who reluctantly agrees to act as Defence Counsel. Xev and Kai enter the court and take their seat. Stanley is wheeled in, still in shackles, he is introduced to Nool who informs Stanley that he will defend him as best he can, though it has to be said, there was very little time for Stanley to prepare a defence. Almost immediately we get the impression that this will be a show trial, that Stanley has in some way already been found guilty or that his innocence is at the very least, a lost cause!
Jihana begins. Her opening comments indicate that Stanley is accused of letting certain bio-genetic information fall into the hands of people loyal to His Divine Shadow. He wasn’t actually being accused of pulling the trigger. The whole case rested on the idea that Stanley was in some way in league with the forces of His Shadow and that he willingly supplied the codes.
Stanley is given the option of pleading guilty or innocent. He pleads innocent on the basis that it was only 94 planets and not the 100 reform planets that were destroyed. Not the most convincing of pleas.
Jihana thanks the forces of the Committee for being patient in staking out the Celes Pleasure Transport (poor boys, I’ll bet they were really bored!), “…. the place where the most famous criminal of all time conducted his many sexual perversions.”
“I wish.” Replies Stanley.
The prosecution relies quite heavily on a great deal of circumstantial evidence. They seem to have some items of evidence, but non that points to Stanley intentionally giving the codes to His Divine Shadow. In fact, Stanley is on trial because when he found out that his courier transport was about to be captured by mercenaries – he didn’t blow himself up! WHAT! I can understand someone being on trial for murdering someone, but good grief! Being held responsible for the death of billions of people because he didn’t kill yourself is tough justice in anyone’s book! Imagine going for a job as a Deputy Backup Courier. “Well Mr Smith, you seem an ideal candidate for the job. Oh, one last question, how are you at killing yourself? …. Good, Yer in then!” Stanley probably lied on the interview.
The meeting is adjourned and Jihana takes some time for a little pampering by one of the Pleasure Transport girls – in fact it was the same girl who welcomed Stanley. She gently massages Jihana’s feet while the Grand Prosecutor tells off her defence colleague for being a little too enthusiastic in the defence of the Arch Traitor. She fires him!
The she turns on the pretty lady of the night. This rather angelic lady of the night was asked if she herself was in league with the Arch Traitor. But Lissha replied that he was allowed on the Pleasure Transport because he was a Heretic. Jihana decides to let the subject drop, she has another need that needs to be satisfied. She asks Lissha to ‘pleasure her’ and the lovely hooker reluctantly agrees. Unfortunately, Jihana is not after sex; she wants to satisfy her craving for death, apparently it’s the only thing that turns her on.
Jihana clasps Lissha’s head in her hands and drives a sharp implement into her temple. This was a really disturbing scene, I’d love to make fun of the silliness of it all, but such violence is pretty horrific under any circumstances. For an attractive career woman the Grand Prosecutor, Jihana, makes an evil bitch with all the charm and grace of a Black Widow Spider!
She sighs orgasmically as Lissha’s dead body falls backwards. “That will keep me going for a while.” She says. Her biggest turn-on of course, will be the forthcoming death by her hand, of the Arch Traitor, Stanley Tweedle!
The trial of Stanley resumes, the case for the prosecution is concluded and Kai asks the court that he represent Stanley in the absence of a Defence Counsel. Kai is not convinced of Stanley’s innocence and concentrates his case on the good deeds that Stanley enacted in the death of His Divine Shadow. Nevertheless. Stanley is found Guilty and the minimum he can expect as punishment is death!
The ugly Grand Prosecutor bitch woman thing asks for the maximum penalty, death by nerve-bore worms. These are vicious maggot like creatures that feed on the nerves causing excruciating pain until death occurs after many hours. Kai however is able to convince the judge that Stanley was not a traitor, he simply didn’t do his job properly (ie. Kill himself when he should have done!). The judge concludes that Stanley Tweedle be killed by the most expedient method available.
Xev is terribly upset by this, but Kai accepts that justice has been done. Xev leaves weeping with Kai. Stanley is surprisingly calm. He feels that the trial has in some way cleansed his guilt and he is quietly wheeled off to face his execution.
Jihana is given permission to oversee Stanley’s execution. She secretly orders Nerve Bore Worms despite the decision of the Judge. Kai and Xev find out, and set off to save Stan. Kai does not feel that the torture of Stanley is an injustice. They arrive at the execution chamber just as Jihana is trying to place a tube in Stan’s mouth. Kai saves the day again and hold Jihana in a neck lock while Xev releases Stan.
Kai then turns to Stanley and asks, “I will kill her if you require that I be the enforcer of justice.” Stanley spouts on about how the evil cow deserves to die, but doesn’t actually ask Kai to kill her. Instead he asks that they simply leave and go back to the ship.
Back on board the LEXX, Stanley learns that Kai would not only have killed Jihana if asked, but since he would have been the enforcer of justice, he would also have killed Stanley – painlessly. Whew! With friends like Kai, who needs a heart massage with a handy wrist gadget? It’s hard to remember that Kai has no feelings or motivation. He doesn’t feel love or compassion for his friends. He does however have a sense of justice and a certain objectivity. Stanley orders the LEXX to get as far from the Pleasure Transport as possible.
Jihana is joined by Nool in an observation lounge. They watch the LEXX fly off into space before they see thousands of little armatures buzzing around outside. It’s the last thing they see. Mantrid strikes again and the show ends with the destruction of the Celes Pleasure Transport.
Except for the death of Lissha,
I’d have to rate this episode a whopping 39,540 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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