LEXX: S02E13: Twilight

Wadda Blast! This show was sci-fi at it’s nuttiest! If it had come with chocolate I’d have eaten it! The episode was jam packed full of delectable nibbles and tasty treats – a veritable feast for all red-blooded Lexxians everywhere. Kai went bonkers again – don’t you just love it when that happens. And as sweetmeats go, the tasty Lauren Abrahams was simply wonderful.

The first course was a great scene on the planet Ruma inhabited by the dysfunctional family Roada and their neighbours, a group of Divine Zombies!

As you know, a Divine Shadow’s brain was always taken just before the point of death to become a Divine Predecessor. The dead bodies however were taken to Ruma where apparently, the planet core contains a combination of elements that emit a certain isotopic frequency of low level radiation. This somehow manages to keep the bodies in a semi living state. It was quite nice of the Divine Order I suppose, The the Divine bodies have had a hard life killing and debauching and all, – what better way to spend their final few hundred years as brainless Zombies in the idyllic seaside surroundings of Castle Ruma.

The Castle is maintained by Roada, a stupendously inept ditzy geezer, his unlovely wife, Heedia and the sultry and precocious bent goth-loving teen daughter, Lomea. Roada is the only Cleric of the Divine Order left on Ruma. The rest managed to escape when the Divine Order collapsed – Roada and his family were left stranded.

It’s evening and they are trying to keep out a hoard of Divine Zombies with flaming torches. It’s clearly not much fun; Every night while most of us are cuddling up to our partners, the Family Roada are fighting Zombies. It’s a thankless task and they argue incessantly. This particular evening Roada complains that there is not enough wood to burn. Fire is the only thing that will protect Roada and his family against the evening onslaught of Divine Zombies. Lomea and Heedia are almost resigned to their eventual death, when dawn breaks, and the Divine Zombies retire for the day.

Roada is overjoyed that they have survived another night, but the wife exaggerates her happiness and then coldly asks, “What’s your big plan for tomorrow night baldi”

On the LEXX, Stanley is sleeping soundly. In fact he’s been sleeping soundly for nine hours. Xev becomes concerned when she can’t rouse him. She wakes up Kai and also asks 790 to examine him. Stan has an unknown degenerative disorder, which will be fatal if not treated soon. She makes distress call to anyone within signal range for help.

The call is picked up by the three stooges on Ruma. They are busily looking for wood to use in the defence against their dark, dead neighbours. Roada explains that they have a 792-model robot which has medical diagnostic abilities. They invite the LEXX crew to Ruma so that Stanley’s illness can be diagnosed. Xev and Kai take Stanley to the planet surface in a transport Moth.

After landing, Xev and Roada exchange pleasantries and introductions. Kai suddenly feels the urge to announce “The billowing clouds!” Xev looks at him with a puzzled expression while Roada and Heedia explain their predicament (i.e. that they are all alone to look after a bunch of dead people). Lomea completely ignores Kai – She’s the first woman ever to do so it seems. Lomea only has eyes for Xev – good for you luv, the dead bloke always gets the attention!

“The burning Hills.” Says Kai. Everyone looks at him with a concerned expression. All that is, except Lomea who still hasn’t taken her eyes off Xev. “I like your dress!” she says admiringly.

Xev is uncharacteristically flattered by the comment and smiles at Lomea, “Thanks, It’s Lizard Skin.”

Lomea leans forward. “Lizards are cool, especially their tongues.” She says, eagerly attempting to open a dialogue with Xev. Aww, isn’t she sweet. Mind you, anyone who can look a nine-foot Cluster Lizard in the mouth and admire its tongue maybe considered more than a little strange. A point not missed by the surprised Xev.

While the robot examines Stanley, the 2000 year old dead bloke looses it completely, “The billowing clouds that puff and flower, they’re calling me, to and ancient Bauer.” says Kai enthusiastically, “I must sing my song!” He ads, just before jumping out of the window. Xev thoughtfully suggests that the robot take a look at Kai as soon as it is finished with Stanley.

The robot determines that Stan is suffering a Selenium deficiency. The only way the good Captain can be saved is with the immediate consumption of hair shampoo! Roada and Heedia agree to supply the shampoo provided they can have free passage to the nearest planet. Xev agrees.

Stanley is given the medicinal shampoo and left to recover (hey, don’t laugh, maybe it will cure his dandruff too). But Roada and Heedia have other plans, they secretly plot to take over the LEXX and leave the others stranded.

Later, the hosts insist on showing Xev a little hospitality by taking her on a little picnic outside.

Lomea begrudgingly brings food and makes a point of sitting next to Xev. The gay Goth girl with the cute black lipstick has most certainly got the hots for our heroine. Xev discusses the Divine Zombies and also hints that she was made a love slave. Lomea’s ears prick up. “You got the love slave treatment?” She asks excitedly.

“Yes…. ” Xev replies, tentatively explaining the relationship between her and 790.
“I have an accelerated libido.” Says Lomea encouragingly.
“Oh yeah, so you know then how frustrating it can be when there’s no men around,” says Xev

Lomea looks puzzled, the hideous Heedia is embarrassed but Roada simply continues trying to digest the food. Heedia takes Lomea to check on Stanley. The sun is about to set on Ruma and Roada tricks Xev and leaves her stranded outside the castle walls. The sun sinks deeper.

Xev realises too late and shouts, “Hey, what’s going on?”
Heedia appears at the top of the castle Keep and shouts down, “What’s going on miss cutipie, is we’re taking your moth and we’re flying away.”
“We made a deal.” Complains Xev.
“I know. And we broke it,” Smiles Heedia. Xev becomes worried and calls for Kai.
“He can’t help you sweetheart,” says Heedia’s hideous husband.
“What about Stanley.” Continues Xev, “I need to see him.”
“Oh gosh, golly gee. I forgot.” Replies Heedia. Then she throws the still weak Stanley over the wall. He groans as he hit’s the ground.
“You can’t leave without us. You can’t fly the LEXX. Stanley is the only one who’s got the key!” Shouts a distraught Xev.
“Like I really believe that too huh?” Says Roada. “Listen you have a good night huh? Cos it’s gonna be your last.” Heedia and Roada are feeling very confident about themselves. Like a pair of pantomime characters, they continue their gutsy dialogue.
“Oh, and remember.” Says Heedia, “You can run, but you can’t hide. They ARE going to get you.”
“They are looking for their dindins and that’s you sweetheart.” Adds Roada
“And tonight you are the main course on the menu.” Heedia laughs.

Xev replies with a classic line. Did she hurl abuse at them? No. Did she sink into a mushy rendition of ‘Woe is Me?’ No. She came back with the amazingly accurate, succinct and snappy retort…. “You are very bad people.” { ! }

“Oh that hurt!”  Mocks Roada. Then Heedia adds that they must go and pack. They leave Xev to revive Stanley as the sun sets. She and Stanley contemplate their doom as a large group of Divine Zombies come out to play.

During this time Kai has been collecting flowers and behaving very strangely. “The wheel it turns, it comes around,” He says, playing with a skull and sporting a large Orchid in his hair bun. “It makes an ancient rumbling sound.”

On the LEXX, the wondrously gorgeous Lyekka slips out of her pod nearly wearing a very fetching purple outfit. She tells 790 that she is hungry and learns that the LEXX crew are on the planet Ruma. She goes down to investigate.

Xev and Stanley are fighting a loosing battle on Ruma. The 792-robot obligingly opens the gate and let the Zombies enter the castle. They proceed to eat the poor moth – this show sometimes demonstrates a blatant and disturbing disregard for defenceless animals.

As Heedia and Roada discover the head of the robot nearby and learn that there is a ‘plant woman’ somewhere in the castle. Lomea is in her bedroom when she suddenly finds that she has a guest. The lovely Lyekka introduces herself.

Lomea excitedly runs her eyes up and down every curve of Lyekka’s body before wrongly concluding, “and this is my lucky day.”

Lyekka whispers those fatal words, “I like you Lomea.” And the goes on to explain that she needs to eat. Lomea is still taken aback by Lyekka’s beauty and completely misses the point. She wrongly assumes that if Lyekka may want to satisfy her sexual appetite. Lyekka sensually explains that she likes to eat many things, as long as they are living and breathing. Lomea’s eyes widen. (I was getting all hot and bothered myself!)

“Like me.” Says Lomea hopefully.
“Yes. Or an….. animal.” Says Lyekka.

Lomea groans slightly sensing that her own hunger is about to be satisfied. “For example,” she says as her eyes focus on the more tasty parts of Lyekka’s body, “small {sighs}, furry {eyes open wider, lips pout slightly}, animals {sighs and leans back}.”
“I love small furry animals.” Agrees Lyekka
“So do I.” Adds Lomea. (Hey, so do I!… erm…), “Small, furry, wet animals.” She adds panting. (aww, isn’t she sweet).
“That sounds tasty.” Says Lyekka.
“Oh.” Concludes Lomea, “It is….. I can’t think of a better place to die than in your arms.”
“Do you mean that?” asks Lyekka. “I’m glad you are so eager for me to eat you.” (Hey that’s my line!)
“I’ve never been so eager,” pants Lomea, “Make all my fantasies come true.” She concludes as Lyekka leans over her.

(At this point I would formerly like to thank the three beans for their sick and sexy writing style! Never, in any other sci-fi review, could I get away with the following paragraphs!)

And then, in a gripping climax, Lomea, the gorgeous gay Goth chick, is gobbled up by the greedy genial blonde blossom, Lyekka. The screams could be heard all over the castle. I couldn’t tell if they were screams of ecstasy, fear, or sexual fulfilment – but I suspect they were all three.

That scene was great! I didn’t know weather to laugh out loud or go take a cold shower!

Lyekka then opens the gates, feeds Roada to the Divine Zombies, eats Heedia, and rescues Stanley. They all get into the moth and are joined by a sort of zombiefied Xev who, minutes before, had just made a meal of Roada’s brains. Kai is still being affected by the planets radiation and sensitively loosens Lyekka’s bra as he places his orchid between her breasts (yes, I said ‘orchid’).

Back on the ship, Kai saves Xev by sucking the venom out of her neck wound and then sucking the some other vile purple stuff out of her mouth. (eeeew wretchfest maximus). It has the desired effect – Xev seems to recover; in fact she recovers enough to ask Kai to suck her mouth again! – Kinky! He declines.

This wacky show concludes with Mantrid Drones dismantling Ruma just before Stanley orders the LEXX to Blast it. Kai adds sternly, “I believe that the game is continuing”.

My stomach and groins agree to rate this episode a hot 41,270 out of 10. What did you think?

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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

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