Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E03: Miss Galaxy 5000

Bob’s opening line: Warp drive this you freelnek!

Whip- what you got there, Uncle Chode?
Chode- How’d you like to go on an educational field trip, kid?
Whip- Educational? What am I gonna learn?
Chode- The difference between real jugs and the plastic kind. I’m taking you to the Miss Galaxy 5000 Pageant where yours

truly is gonna be a  judge!
Gus- Somebody asked a perv like you to judge the Miss Galaxy 5000 Pageant?
Chode- Of course they did! How else do you think I got it?!
Gus- I don’t know, say on the black market with the money you were supposed to spend on the dutritium fuel rods?!
Chode- That’s ridiculous! I put the welfare ofthis ship above everything!
Bob- Red alert! Red alert!
T’Nuk- I’ve just come from below. The dutritium rods are almost completely worn through!
Six- That’s impossible! Thoseare brand new rods. Captain?
Chode- Define: “Brand new”.
Bob- one of the rods just burst into flames!
T’Nuk- Bob, contain the fireand switch to auxiliary power!
Chode- Ok, they mighthave been slightly used.
Gus- And let me guess…cheap, cheap, cheap?!
Chode- No, they were even cheaper than that.
Six- Chode!
Chode- Now hear me out. I’ve got a plan to make us a million bucks. You see, that’s what the winner of the Miss Galaxy 5000

Pageant walks away with.
Gus- There’s not enough make-up and hairspray in the world. You don’t stand a chance.
Chode- Not me, you shmuck bucket! All I have to do is enter my most beautiful female crew member in that contest and make sure she wins.
T’Nuk- Before you even ask: No! Absolutely not! Beauty cannot be judged or objectified!
Chode- Well, we have the ugly girl opinion. So Six, will you do it?
Six- Sorry, but I agree with T’Nuk, captain. Beauty contests are degrading to women.
Chode- Note to self: Cancel that damn lifetime channel.
Six- I’m serious. In the name ofbeauty, women starve themselves, maim their bodies with dangerous plastic surgery and hate themselves every time they look in the mirror, because they don’t fit some artificially imposed cookiecutter standard of

beauty. Look at T’Nuk!
Chode- Do I have to? I just ate.
T’nuk- Very funny. I’ll have you know, back home, on my planet,I’m considered a great beauty.
Chode- That’s gonna beone scary place.
Six- More important than how we look, is how we think. Women also have brains.
Whip- But Uncle Chode told me women don’t need brains, ’cause a braincan’t suck your…
Chode- kids. Heh, heh.

[ Knocking ] Six- Go away.
Chode- But I’ve got a video. Revenge of the Butt Pirates.
Six- Forget it.
Chode- Wait a minute, you’re my sexslave! Open this damn door! What are you soworked up about? What’s wrong witha guy

appreciatin’ what a hottie a gal is?
Six- The problem is, that’s all you appreciate.
Chode- Hey, men are visual. Big kachangas and a shaved patootie make us go nuts! We can’t help it. That’s beauty to us. That’s how we’re wired.
Six- That may be true, but beauty pageants just make it worse. Why should I compete against other women in a degrading flesh

Chide- Uh… because I’ve already forged your name and spent a crapload of hours filling out the paperwork?!
Six- You’ve already entered me?
Chode- Congratulations, number 16!
Six- Didn’t you hear a word I just said?!
Chode- Of course I did. But we’re talking abouta million dollars here. So break out theskin-tight spandex, put on your best “screw me” pumps and paint your face uplike the whore of Babylon 69, ’cause honey, you’re entering this pageant and that’s an order!
Six- Fine. But guess whatyou’re not entering tonight.
Chode- Would a quickie be outof the question there, matey?

Whip- Ah! Wow! What a babe!
Chode- Look, I’m here for the money. I can’t allow myself to be distracted bysome hot clown booty. Back that thing up yo yo

back that thing up yo yo yo
Bobo- I see you admire my daughter, Chode. Or should I say… Fritz Felchman!
Chode- Hard to believe that sweet, ripe thing is the fruit of your rottencircus loins, Darph Bobo. Or should I say… Marvin

Bobo- Imposter!
Chode- Liar!!!
Bobo- Fake!
Chode- Cheat!
other contestants- [ Whispers ] Chode- Always a pleasure, Marvin.
Bobo – Nice to see you again, Fritz.
[ Bzzzz!!! ] Chode- Ooow!!!
Bobo- Ha ha ha!
Chode- We’ll see who’s laughing when Six walks away with that million bucks!

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Six- Hmm…
Doctor- implants! Implants! Get your red hot implants! I got lips, I got hips! I can do tucks and nips! You know you need it!
Six- Excuse me! Excuse me! May I have your attention please? Don’t you realize we’re all being forced to conform to a single stereotype of beauty? Look around you! What are we doing? We’re hiding our true natural radiance behind painted-on masks! We’re inflating and deflating our body parts like a bunch of mindless blow-up dolls! A beauty contest? I mean, what do you really win? A car? A fur coat? A jeweled crown? A million dollars? Is that really worth selling out for?
[All]: Uh-huh!
[ Giggles ] Six- Ah…

T’Nuk- huh?
Judge- Name please?
Spamela- Spamela Anderslut. Representing theplanet Titius Maximus.
T’Nuk- You should be ashamed of yourself! No woman is more beautiful than another! We are all beautiful in our own unique way!
Judge- Oh my lord!
T’Nuk- Go ahead and call security! Throw me in jail for my beliefs! But don’t think I’ll make it easy for you!
Judge- You’re a goddess! You must enter this contest!
T’Nuk- What!?
Judge- You’re an absolute vision of loveliness! I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you won!
T’Nuk – Really? Gee, I don’t know… I can’t even imagine!
Ha! Ha!Thank you! Thank you!!! Thank you!I cannot believe it!!!
Where do I sign up? Come on, slowpoke! Give me that pen! You might as well go home now girls, the contest is over!

Gus- You’re hot. You know that mister? I think I’m in love. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. A macho hunk like you?
T’Nuk- Gus!!!
GUs- Don’t you ever knock, woman?!
T’Nuk – You’ve got to help me! I’m competing in the pageant and I’m indesperate need of…
Gus- an industrial-strength girdle?
T’Nuk- No, silly! Your inborn gay fashion expertise!
Gus- Not that anyone ever hears me when I say this, but I’m not gay. Besides, no mammalian life-form could ever approach the

beauty and perfection that is the machine.
T’Nuk- Oh gus, you’vegot to help me! I mean, what other… straightguy… knows as much as you do about make-up and hair and

sparkly gowns and feather boas?
– Well, when you put it like that… ok. Let’s put a new coat of paint on this old barn!

Music: Pretty ugly
blah blah blah
pretty ugly
blah blah blah
pretty ugly

Gus- No! And I thought I told you my clothes are off limits. Now take it of all at once, before you stretch it out!

[ Someone vomiting ] Six- Are you all right?
Babbette- Yeah, I was just dieting. Mind your own business!
Six- Bulimia and anorexiaare serious diseases.
Babbette- I know your type you just wantme to look fat so I’ll lose! You’re trying to psyche me out. Well you can forget about  it, I’ve been in beauty contests since I was 3 years old.
Six- Who forced you to do that? Your mother?
Babbette- Yes! I mean no! I mean, backoff, Oprah!
Six- You don’t scare me.
Babbette- Really? Uh oh, wrong gun. Somewhere right now a birthday party’s not going so well.
Six- You need a psychiatrist.
Babbette- And youneed a lawyer.

Girl- Oh my god, who could have done this?
Six- Obviously one who has balloon animals on their stationery.
Babbette- Uh, that could be any one of us. She’s just trying to confuse us, girls. Come on, let’s stringher up! Get her, girls!
Chode- Ok. Everybody calm down! As an official judge of this pageant, not just some imposter who got his greasy mitts on a judge’s ID badge, I think it’s obvious that this complete stranger is innocent!
Babbette- She looks pretty guilty to me!
Bobo – I have to agree with this stunning young lady, who, by the way, is a complete stranger to me andnot, I repeat, not my

daughter! Guilty!
Six- I didn’t do it.
Babbette- Look, all I know is we have a signed confession.
– Yes, a signed confession written in lipstick. And I’ve had enough lipstick smeared on this hard body over the years to know the difference between jungle red, what this complete stranger is wearing, and bozo red, which is on the note and on your lyin’ lips, so drop it! So, you see ladies, this murder may remain one of life’s baffling mysteries, kinda’ like how Jean-Claude Vandumb ever had an acting career. But look on the bright side. You are each one girl closer to being named Miss Galaxy 5000!
Girls- [ Hysterical giggling ] Chode- Thank you, thank you. Now remember gals, focus on the positive. Especially you, six. Sad sacks don’twin beauty

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contests. So  as they say: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”
Bobo- What if life gives youa big purple ass? Ha! Ha!
Bobo and Babbette: Yes!!!
Chode- God I hate fucking Clowns.
Six- You saved me. I guess I owe you one.
Chode- No you don’t, babe. You owe me a million.

Bobo- Look, I’m a judge, so I gotta be extra careful. You’re the one who’s gonna have to do something about that cyber-skank.

That Six could cost us the million!
Babbette- Not if she’s dead!
Bobo- It’s times like this that make me realize that good parenting really does pay off.

T’Nuk- I’m so nervous! They’re all so pretty!
Gus- I’m going to be your coachhere. Now repeat after me. I am beautiful!
T’Nuk- You are beautiful!
Gus- No not me. You!
T’Nuk- No not me. You!
Gus- I am the coach.You are the coachee. Say it about yourself!
T’Nuk- Oh! I am beautiful.
Gus- Like you believe it!
T’Nuk- I am beautiful!
Gus- I am beautiful and nothingcan shake my confidence.
T’Nuk- I am beautiful and nothingcan shake my confidence!
Gus- Now tell yourself once and for all in this mirror.
T’Nuk- I am beautiful and nothingcan shake my confidence! Heh heh…
Woman- Places!
T’Nuk- Grrr…

Announcer-: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 273rd annual Miss Galaxy 5000 pageant.  And now, please welcome your host:

Blurt sparks!
Blurt- Hey there! You folks ready for an eyepopping cavalcade of t and a?
Crowd- Yes!!!
Chode- Heh, heh!
Blurt- Well, guess what? After 272 of these puppies, we’ve finally wised up and cut the boring crap. That’s right,

folks,we’re  skipping right to our 7 lucky finalists in swim suits!
Crowd- [ Cheering ] Blurt- Alrighty then! Let’s haveour 7 finalists parade out here not unlike prizelivestock at a county fair!
Crowd- [ Cheering ] [ Murmurs of disgust ] Blurt- Granted, I’m no genius, but I do know how to count to 7! So, let’s bring outour last 3 finalists! Where the hell are

they? I’ll kill ’em!
Babbette- Who knows? Someone may have saved you the trouble.
Blurt- Alrighty! We’re going to take a quick commercial break and try to get our act together. Stay tuned for the exciting

talent competition, folks!
Man- And we’re out!
Blurt- I need a drink.

Chode- The pie is banana cream, the foreign object is a clown nose, and the balloon dog is brilliant. See the detail?
Babbette- Thank you! We’re also availablefor children’s parties, and bridal showers.
Chode- Oh, is that so? Has anyone else noticed that all the murder weapons seem to have one thing in common?
Bobo- Yes! They were all macabre, yet terribly amusing!
Chode- I think you or your daughter did it to kill off the competition!
Bobo- Oh, chode! That’s such an unfounded, ridiculous stab in the dark!
[ Screams ] Bobo- Ha! Ha! Just kidding.
Babbette- Damn. This just isn’t my day.
[ Knocking ] Woman- We’re back in 30 seconds. Places!

[ Applause ] Blurt- Alrighty, we’re back! It’s now time for the talent portion of our contest! First up is Babbette, recreating a dramatic

scene from the film Basic Instinct!
Babbetter- What are you going to do? Charge me with smoking?
[ Crowd gasps and applauds ] Bobo- That’s my girl.
Chode- I believe the rules clearly state that all contestants are required to wear panties. Disqualified!
[ Cheering ] T’Nuk- There’s low and then there’s low. That bitch stole my act!
Blurt- Thank you Babbette, for that revealing glimpse into your… soul! And now, make a lot of noise for T’Nuk!
Gus- Bravo! Hurray!!! Hurrah!
T’Nuk- What are you… [ Coughs ] Gonna do… [ Coughs ] Charge me… with smoking?!
[ Cries of disgust ] Bobo- Cover up those udders! There are children in the audience!
[ Booing ]

Gus – Please! There is no way that top-heavy bimbo can play a delicate, refined instrumentlike the violin. Ah! Long after they’ve forgotten the name Mozart, the name Anderslut will live on!

Six- Huh?
Babbette- Nothing says “pretty” like good oral hygiene!
Blurt- Thank you, Spamela! And now, withan original poem… uh oh, sounds likeit’s nap time, folks. Our final contestant,

– “What is beauty? “Beauty is heart,beauty is soul.
corwd- [ Yawns ] Six- “Beauty is strong,beauty is bold.
Chode -Hmm. Time fora wardrobe malfunction.
Six- “Beauty is you, beauty is me.But beauty is nothing… “if a woman’s not free.
[ Cheering ] Blurt- Free indeed! Let’s hear it for that intimate look at Six’s private thoughts!
[ Cheering ] Blurt-It’s time for the all-important: “What’s going on in your pretty little head?” Question! Ladies? This could decide it all, folks! Alrighty! The question is: “Why should you be namedmiss galaxy 5000?” Six?
Six- Because I would use the position to let young womenall over the universe know that beauty is more than just skin deep. It is heart, its soul…
Blurt- Yes, we’ve already heard your poem, Elizabeth Barrett boring!
T’Nuk- I wanna’ winfor all the 4-legged, 3-breasted, biggirls out there!
Blurt- And god willing there’snot that many! Babette?
Babette- If I win I will help blind, handicapped inner-city onions.
Blurt- Excuse me?
Babette- Orphans! Ha! Ha!
Blurt- Nice save, chuckles. And finally, spamela!
Spamella- If I win, I will continue Stephen Hawking’s groundbreaking work on the dynamicrepeating fractal patterns in  hyper-stringquantum mechanics.
[ Crickets ] Blurt- Okaaaay. Well judges, you certainly have a difficult decision to make, so cast your final votes! Don’t go away folks!
When we return, we’ll crown the new Miss Galaxy 5000!
[ Applause ] Chode- Vote for Six and I’ll cut each ofyou in for 20.
Judge 1- Twenty percentof a million?
Chode- No, 20 bucks.
Bobo- Vote for Babbette and no one gets hurt. By the way, buddy, your mother says hi.
Judge 2- That’s my mother-in-law. Be my guest.
Bobo- Damn!
Blurt- Judges, your votes please! Could I have the envelope please? The new Miss Galaxy 5000 is… Six!
Chode- Ha! Ha! Chode rules! Chode rules!!!
T’Nuk- Wait a minute! Is the winner allowed to be a cyborg? ‘Cause six here is a no-good, filthy cyborg!
Chode- T’nuk!
Blurt- In that case, the first runner up is the new miss galaxy5000 and that’S… Babbette!
Bobo- Woo hoo! Yes! Clowns rule!Clowns rule!
T’Nuk- Wait a minute! I have a videotape of this clown killing 4 women!
Babbette- Security never installed a camera in the women’s dressing room. I checked!
T’Nuk- True, but a sick, twisted friend of mine did.
Whip- Heh heh.
Bobo- Back off, people!
Blurt- Third time’s a charm, huh? The new Miss Galaxy 5000 is… Spamela Anderslut!
T’Nuk- Wait a minute!
Blurt- For cryin’out loud, what?!!
T’Nuk- If a contestant has had over 500 different cosmetic surgery procedures, would she be disqualified?
Blurt- Nope.
T’Nuk- What if she’d made over 700 hard core porn movies?
Blurt- Answer’s still no.
T’Nuk- Well, what if she “accidentally” fell off the stage and was unable to perform her duties as Miss Galaxy?
Blurt- Well, then yes… she would be disqualified.
Spamle- Oh…
T’Nuk- Thank you!
Blurt –  Wow, it’s really her the queen of poise and grace, she’s awfully pretty that’s for sure the queen of outer space
T’Nuk- you like me! You really, really like me! Oh…

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Six- I think that ridiculous pageant taught us all avaluable lesson.
Chode- That crime really does pay?
Six- No! That holding women up to some impossible ideal of beauty, that they must sufferand slave to attain is cruel and unnecessary!
Chode- Maybe, but I’d still rather get a diddle from a pretty girl than an ugly one any day.
Gus- What if men were held up to that artificial standard?
Chode- We are! only difference is instead of looks, its how much dough we got. Right now, I’m one attractive guy!
T’Nuk- I’m in! With any luck you’re lookingat the next Miss Warp Drive! Gus, I’ll need a hot new look.
Gus- And I’ll needa handful of valium.
T’Nuk- I really wanna stand out this time. So, I was thinking of maybe a string bikini. What were you thinking of?
Gus- Gouging my eyes out.
This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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