Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E08: Power to the Peephole

Bob’s Opening Line: Lions and Tigers and Bear. Oh My!

Chode- Star date 3156 and a half. We’ve been trapped in a friggin’ plasma storm for the last 9 days. I don’t know how much more we can take. The crew’s about ready to lose it!!!! Well… some people handle stress better than others.
T’Nuk- What’s wrong with him?
Six- We ran out of beer a half hour ago.
Gus- You know, when I get nervous, I knit. It takes my mind off things. That’s what you need. A nice fun hobby.
Chode- I’ve got one. It’s called whackin’ off!
Gus- Charming.
Six- How ’bout a movie, Captain?
Chode- Good idea.
T’Nuk- I vote for ‘Beaches’!
Gus- Ow! Priscilla, Queen of the Desert!
Whip- Terminator 27!
Chode- I was thinking more along the lines of, ah, “Debbie Does the Delta Quadrant”.
Whip- Sweeet.
T’Nuk- Ah…
Chode- Bob? Bob!
Bob- Is the storm over yet?
Chode- No. Now quit hiding. We wanna watch a movie.
Bob- Sorry, all the discs have been wiped clean by an electro magnetic pulse from the plasma storm. Oh, except this one: “Swept Away”, starring Madonna.
[ All groaning in disgust ] Chode- Why didn’t Earth pass a law to stop that woman from acting?!
T’Nuk- Well from what I’ve been reading in this ancient earth history book, they were too busy persecuting a young girl named Monica Lewinsky. I’ve read this book twice and I still can’t figure out what she did wrong.
Gus- Sluts of a feather flock together.
T’Nuk- What did you just say?!!
Gus- Oh, I said. “We’ve had a change in the weather”.
Chode- Six. Where are we?
Six- We’re passing Floridia 7, sir.
Whip- Floridia 7?! Dudes, that’s the spring break planet!
Gus- Oh it’s faaabulous. I was there ten years ago for a robot convention. Sunshine, palm trees, miles of beaches…
Chode- Any, ah, teenage girls in bikinis?!
Gus- Oh, thousands of them, all sloppy drunk and desperate to get laid. Yech!
Chode- Bob! Floridia 7 and step on it!
Six- one moment, Captain. Floridia 7 is in the middle of a heated political battle between the Dark Clowns and the Confederation. Both of them are running candidates for president. In my opinion, it would be good to stay far away.
Chode- These are the kinds of decisions a starship captain dreads. Frankly, I’m of two minds. one head says I would be needlessly risking my crew, my ship, and possibly all our lives, but my other head keeps whispering “hot…college girl… booty” give me a second to think this over. Floridia 7 it is! Party!!!

Chode-Nice legs. What time do they open?
Girls- Eeeew, gross.
Robot- Name of reservation.
Chode- Uh. This trip was sort of impromptu and I may have forgotten to have a member of my crew make the necessary–
Robot- Name of reservation?
Whip- Show some respect, dude. This is the Captain Chode!
Robot- Did you say Chode? Captain Chode?
Chode- That’s right.
Robot- You are on our list.
Chode- I am? I mean of course I am. Did you hear that? They have my name on the vip guest list.
Robot- Not that list. on the most wanted list. Security!

T’Nuk- This was such a good idea.
Chode- Hey, look on the bright side. We’re staying in the hotel for free.
Klak- Captain Chode?
Chode- Yes.
Hlak- My name is Klak Klownman. I’m running for president of Floridia 7 and I need your help.
Chode- The last time I voted was in a Miss Shaved Kitty Contest. So I think you’re, ah, barkin’ up the wrong tree, fella.
Klak- Au contraire Captain. What I need right now is a lowlife bottom feeder who’ll do anything for a buck.
Chode- Oh. Well in that case, I’m your guy.
Klak- Captain, I’m in the political fight of my life. My opponent, George Goodfellow, is an arch conservative family values spouting goody goody who’s killing me in the polls. I’m desperate!
Chode- Ah, sorry buddy, I’m not political.
Klak- Maybe you’ll change your mind after you see this.
Goodfellow- Hello, I’m George Goodfellow. I want to keep this kind of space scum off our planet and off your daughter.
Announcer- George Goodfellow, he’s taking out the trash one piece at a time.
Klak- Well, what do you think about that?! Doesn’t that make you wanna get the bastard?!
Chode- Nah. To each his own. Eh, besides, I show my face and I’m dead meat!
Klak- Perhaps. But Goodfellow doesn’t know your crew. They could easily pose as campaign workers, infiltrate his headquarters
here in this hotel, and find something damaging I can use to ruin him.
[ Laughing ] Six- Captain, this could be very dangerous.
Klak- I’ll pay you double your usual fee and you can stay in the hotel for free as my guest.
Chode- Not so fast! Six is right!  Mini bar included?
Klak- Hmm!
Gus- Wait a minute, if Goodfellow catches us, he’ll lock us up or worse, kill us!
Chode- Hm! Would you shut up? He just said yes to the mini-bar! You got yourself a deal!

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T’Nuk- Well?
Chode- Well what?
Gus- You’ve been walking back and forth for 2 hours! What’s the plan?
Chode- Ok, here it is. You two sleep in that bed. And you two sleep in the other bed. And I get that bed to myself. If I score with some chick you guys wait in the bathroom till I’m done. If any of you score…eh, take ’em someplace else. I need my sleep!
Six- Captain. I believe what he meant was, what is the plan to trap Goodfellow?
Chode- Oh that plan. Ok. Six, you’ll pose as a speech writer get ‘up close and personal with the ah candidate’. And while you are doing some late night ‘polishing’ on his uh ‘speech’, whip and I will snap some incriminating photos. Gus?
Gus- Yes?
Chode- You’ll go in undercover as a hotel chambermaid to open the curtains so we can get the photographs.
T’Nuk- What about me?
Chode- Stay outta sight and outta the way. Last thing we need is you screwin’ things up.
T’Nuk- Well! I didn’t want to be a part of your stinky little peabrain plan anyway. I’m perfectly content to stay here and read. Ha!
Chode- Alright, let’s do it!
T’nuk- Who does that purple portajohn think he’s talkin’ to?! Stay outta sight?! Stay outta sight! Hmm…

Secretary- May I help you?
T’Nuk- Hello. I’m Monuka Blewinsky. I’m the daughter of a wealthy campaign contributor who uh, prefers to remain anonymous.
Secretrary- Yes?
T’Nuk- I’m an intern, silly. Here to work under the candidate.
Secretary- Uh. We’re short of volunteers, but we’re not that short.
T’Nuk- Listen bitch.  You’re gonna be wearin’ your teeth as a necklace in about ten seconds unless I get a job here!
Secretary- Ok. Here’s a campaign button. Go right over there and start stuffin’ envelopes. Welcome aboard!

Goodfellow- People ask me: George, what do you stand for? Well I’ll tell you. Everything and nothing.
[ Crowd cheering ] Goodfellow- I’m no double-speaking career politician. I’m just someone who’s been on the outside long enough to know what needs to be changed on the inside. But not so inside that I don’t care about the outside. Help yourself by helping me. Vote George Goodfellow in tomorrow’s election.
Six- Oh mr. Goodfellow! Could I talk to you alone?
Goodfellow- Boys, I’ll be up in a minute. Yes?
Six- That was such an inspiring speech. I have goose bumps all over my body.
Goodfellow- I can see ’em. They’re huge. The goose boobs, bumps I mean.
Six- My friends call me six.
Goodfellow- Well, I’d love to be one of your friends.
Six- Actually, I came here to try to get a job as one of your speech writers, but I see you don’t need my help getting off… a good speech.
Goodfellow- Nonsense. Tomorrow’s acceptance speech is a mess. Why I’d love to work ‘one on one with you’ in a ‘closed door

session’where we could ‘bang out all the kinks’ can you meet me upstairs in 15 minutes? Room 10002?
Six- I’ll be there.
Goodfellow- Whoa!
T’Nuk- Sorry to startle you sir, but campaign headquarters needs your signature on these papers.
Goodfellow- Oh, ok.
T’Nuk- Oops. I’ll get ’em.
Goodfellow- Yuk! Ugh! I gotta go. I just realized I’m late for something. Anything.
T’Nuk- Oh! Wait a minute! I need to ask you something very important. Gotta light? Hello?

Gus- Maid. I clean now. Ja. Thank you. Naughty boy.
Goodfellow- Boys! … Oh! That’ll be all.
Gus- Oh, oh dear…
Goodfellow- hm? [ Knocking on door ] Oh! Come in.
Six- Hi.
Goodfellow- Hi. There’s no desk in here. I hope you don’t mind the bed.
Six- I find that’s where I do my best work.

Chode- You sure you know what you’re doin’?
Whip- Yep. Not to worry.  Yes!
Chode- Alright… now go very… very… slow.
Whip- Yes sir.
[ Screaming ]

Goodfellow- God you’re hot. Did someone just fly past the window?!
Six- Uh… some people will do anything to get out of paying their bill.

Whip- I’ve almost got this thing figured out.
Chode- Would that manual next to the controls, possibly be of any help?!
Whip- I’ll take a look at it if I get in trouble.
Chode- Oh… you’re in trouble believe me. Now take me to the right floor!

Goodfellow- Wow. What do you call that?!
Six- Position number 403: “The back door to paradise”. only 247 to go.
Goodfellow- Oh, yeah!

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Venetian- Look at this funny float I found.
Chode- If you blow on that little purple thing sticking up, I’ll float even better.

Six- Ok. See ya’ around.
Goodfellow- Wait a minute, what’s your hurry?
Six- You’re a busy man. I’ve taken up enough of your time.
Goodfellow- You’re a sex cyborg. I knew it. You were too good. Who owns you?!
Six- That’s none of your business.
Goodfellow- Even if you won’t tell me, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Six- I-I don’t know why, but I… love you.
Goodfellow- Of course you do, and you always will until the day you die.
[ Laughing ]

Chode- Where’s Whip with those pictures? And where in the hell are T’Nuk and Six?
T’Nuk- So… you thought I was too stupid and obvious to be a part of your pathetic little plan. You’re looking at the new girl at Goodfellows’ campaign headquarters.
Chode- Hey, if you’re the new girl, I’d hate to see what the old girl looks like.
T’Nuk- That’s all you know how to do, tear people down. Well, the Monica’s book has taught me that anything is possible. There are no more limits! [ Pants tearing ] Anybody know where a pretty girl can get a needle and thread?
Gus- No. But I know where you can get one. C’mon.
Chode- Well?
Whip- The camera was pretty banged up, but I was able to retrieve six shots from the memory.
Chode- Bingo! Good work, babe. Hey! What’d I do?
Gus- Oh, let’s see. I wanna know if all this was worth it. Oh dear. Mrs. Goodfellow’s not gonna wanna frame this one.
Six- He’s leaving her after he’s elected. He told me so. He loves me and I love him.
Chode- You’re not programmed to love. You’re programmed for lust. See?! What are you doing?!
Six- I can’t let you destroy my man.
Whip- Don’t worry Uncle Chode, i have the original on this disc.
Chode- You spit that back. That’s an order.
Six- I’m through taking orders from you. I’m going back to george. He treats me like a lady, not just some “piece of ass”.
Chode- Eh, you’re not just a piece of ass to me! A lot of the time, I’m thinking about your boobs too! What’d I say? What’d I say?

Chode-Those caviar omelet’s really hit the spot.
Whip- More champagne?
Chode- Don’t mind if I do.
Gus- I’ll take some champagne if you’re pourin’.
Chode- Wait a minute, you don’t drink. You’re a robot.
Gus- I know, but it’s free.
[ Door bell ringing ] Whip- I’ll get it.
Chode- If that’s room service, tell them we need more of everything. Especially the Dom Perignon.
Whip- Doesn’t that stuff cost a fortune unc?
Chode- Ah, that’s Klownman’s problem, not–
Klak- under no circumstances are you to bring anything else to this room full of free loaders!
Bellhop- Y-y-yes sir!
Klak- Screw this up, Chode, and you’re a dead man. You, and this tin fairy here, and that teenage pimple factory, will wish you were never born!
Gus- Uh. Just for purposes of accuracy, I wasn’t born. I was created in a lab. H-heelp. Heeeelp!
Chode- I don’t know what’s worse: A death threat or a dizzy queen.

T’Nuk- If you want me, Goodfellow, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you Goodfellow? Just put your lips together
and blow…
[ Knocking on door ] Chode- Are you decent?
T’Nuk- I hope not. What fun is that?
Chode- Now that Six has jumped ship. I’m counting on your… help.
T’Nuk- Too late. I’m starting a business designing mediocre handbags like Monica Lewinsky did after she left the white house.
They didn’t appreciate her either.
Chode- Please don’t, you’re my last resort. Why else would I be here?
T’Nuk- Are you sure I’m not goin’ to “mess” things up for you?
Chode- We’re sorta under the gun here. I really need you to sneak around headquarters and dig up some dirt fast.
T’Nuk- You do?
Chode- Yes… dig up as much dirt as you can.
T’Nuk- Ok. If you say so.

T’Nuk-I don’t see how this is gonna help. Hm!
[ Crying from the distance]

Whip- What’s the plan now Uncle Chode?
Gus- He doesn’t have one and they say Goodfellow’s already way ahead.
Chode- Well, I suppose the only thing left is to do the right thing.
Gus- Admit you failed and return the advance?
Chode- No, take Klak Klownman’s money and run like hell!
Klak- Going someplace?!
Chode- Uhhh. Uh. To find you… and… tell… you… uhhh… good luck today!!
Klak- Listen you purple pile of puke. You’d better pull a rabbit outta your ass and come up with something fast to win me this election or my boys here are gonna use you for batting practice.
Chode- Yeah, we’re on top of the situation. Right now, members of my crackerjack team are working tirelessly on your behalf!
Six- Don’t waste your vote on a lousy clown. Vote Goodfellow!
Chode- Uh, well, she’s undercover… and part of a plan so elaborate and sophisticated, I dare not reveal it, even to myself.
Klak- For your sake, she better be. By the way, I took the precaution of having your ship impounded. Pity, you had so many
unpaid parking tickets.
Chode- Daaaaah!

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T’Nuk- Goodfellow–bought and paid for–crook–wife in jail!
Six- Now slow down T’Nuk. I haven’t seen you this winded since you got your super sonic vibrator…
T’Nuk- He’s got his real wife and kids locked up in the basement. Those are robots in their place. We’ve gotta tell Chode!
Six- Now you just wait right here, and I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.
T’Nuk- Alright, but hurry.

Goodfellow- I’m glad you told me this. You know of course it’s not true.
Six- I didn’t think so.
Goodfellow- Now be a darling and get me a coffee and a sandwich. I haven’t eaten a thing today.
Six- Yes, George, whatever you say.
Goodfellow- I need a big fat problem taken care of, right away.

Six- Mrs. Goodfellow?
Mrs. Goodfellow- Yes.
Six- I’m not programmed for dishonesty. So I must confess to you that I love your husband, and he loves me. After the election, he plans to divorce you so he can be with me. You seem like a nice person, I hope it doesn’t cause you too much emotional distress.
Mrs. Goodfellow- Nice to meet you. Teach kids to read.
Six- Do you understand what I just said to you?
Mrs. Goodfellow- Ask my husband, he wears the pants in the family.
Six- I’m in love with your husband!
Mrs. Goodfellow- Nice to meet you. Teach kids to read. It takes a village, just say no. [ Malfunctionning ] It takes a village, just say no.
Six- T’Nuk was telling the truth! Why didn’t I see it?! That bastard.

T’Nuk- History is about to repeat itself. But this time it’s the president that’s gonna be brought to his knees!

[ Crowd cheering ] Goodfellow- This is a win, not just for me, George Goodfellow, but for all good fellows everywhere.
T’Nuk- I was an innocent young intern, minding my own business, until that pervert sprayed his baby gravy all over me!!
Goodfellow- I never touched that… that… what is that thing?!
Mrs. Goodfellow- Arrest that man. He kidnapped his own family and replaced us with robots!
T’Nuk- By the way, did I mention that I’m starting my own line of handbags?
Klak- This is not a time for anger. This is a time for forgiveness. I reach out my hand to the supporters of my opponents.

Six- Captain, we have a transmission from Floridia 7. It’s President Klackman.
Chode- Put him on.
Klak- Chode, my dear, dear friend, how can I ever repay you?
Chode- Cash’ll do fine.
Klak- How can I ever show you what your support and loyalty have meant to me?
Chode- Just pay me what you owe me!
Klak- How do I tell you… you’re not gettin squat!
Chode- Why, you two faced liar!
Klak- I prefer the term “politician”.
Chode- I’m not movin’ until I get my money!
Klak- Perfectly understandable. Attention home planet security, we have an intruder. Fire photon torpedoes!
– Captain, 30 seconds to impact.
Chode- Oh, frig it all!! Get us the hell out of here!

Chode-You didn’t really fall for that dirty rat, did you?
Six- No, I know now it wasn’t real, but at least I felt something, even if it was painful.
Chode- I know what it’s like to have a pain in your heart.
Six- You do?
Chode- Yeah. Turns out I’m allergic to canubian pickles. They give me the worst heartburn.
Six- Oh, Chode.
Chode- Oh, good to see my sex slave smilin’ again. Now what?!
T’Nuk- Not one handbag sold! Not one!
Chode- I don’t know, you may have sold one.
Gus- Hm! Are these unisex?!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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