Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E08: Power to the Peephole
Bob’s Opening Line: Lions and Tigers and Bear. Oh My!
Chode- Star date 3156 and a half. We’ve been trapped in a friggin’ plasma storm for the last 9 days. I don’t know how much more we can take. The crew’s about ready to lose it!!!! Well… some people handle stress better than others.
T’Nuk- What’s wrong with him?
Six- We ran out of beer a half hour ago.
Gus- You know, when I get nervous, I knit. It takes my mind off things. That’s what you need. A nice fun hobby.
Chode- I’ve got one. It’s called whackin’ off!
Six- How ’bout a movie, Captain?
Chode- Good idea.
T’Nuk- I vote for ‘Beaches’!
Gus- Ow! Priscilla, Queen of the Desert!
Whip- Terminator 27!
Chode- I was thinking more along the lines of, ah, “Debbie Does the Delta Quadrant”.
Chode- Bob? Bob!
Bob- Is the storm over yet?
Chode- No. Now quit hiding. We wanna watch a movie.
Bob- Sorry, all the discs have been wiped clean by an electro magnetic pulse from the plasma storm. Oh, except this one: “Swept Away”, starring Madonna.
[ All groaning in disgust ] Chode- Why didn’t Earth pass a law to stop that woman from acting?!
T’Nuk- Well from what I’ve been reading in this ancient earth history book, they were too busy persecuting a young girl named Monica Lewinsky. I’ve read this book twice and I still can’t figure out what she did wrong.
Gus- Sluts of a feather flock together.
T’Nuk- What did you just say?!!
Gus- Oh, I said. “We’ve had a change in the weather”.
Chode- Six. Where are we?
Six- We’re passing Floridia 7, sir.
Whip- Floridia 7?! Dudes, that’s the spring break planet!
Gus- Oh it’s faaabulous. I was there ten years ago for a robot convention. Sunshine, palm trees, miles of beaches…
Chode- Any, ah, teenage girls in bikinis?!
Gus- Oh, thousands of them, all sloppy drunk and desperate to get laid. Yech!
Chode- Bob! Floridia 7 and step on it!
Six- one moment, Captain. Floridia 7 is in the middle of a heated political battle between the Dark Clowns and the Confederation. Both of them are running candidates for president. In my opinion, it would be good to stay far away.
Chode- These are the kinds of decisions a starship captain dreads. Frankly, I’m of two minds. one head says I would be needlessly risking my crew, my ship, and possibly all our lives, but my other head keeps whispering “hot…college girl… booty” give me a second to think this over. Floridia 7 it is! Party!!!
Chode-Nice legs. What time do they open?
Girls- Eeeew, gross.
Robot- Name of reservation.
Chode- Uh. This trip was sort of impromptu and I may have forgotten to have a member of my crew make the necessary–
Robot- Name of reservation?
Whip- Show some respect, dude. This is the Captain Chode!
Robot- Did you say Chode? Captain Chode?
Chode- That’s right.
Robot- You are on our list.
Chode- I am? I mean of course I am. Did you hear that? They have my name on the vip guest list.
Robot- Not that list. on the most wanted list. Security!
T’Nuk- This was such a good idea.
Chode- Hey, look on the bright side. We’re staying in the hotel for free.
Klak- Captain Chode?
Hlak- My name is Klak Klownman. I’m running for president of Floridia 7 and I need your help.
Chode- The last time I voted was in a Miss Shaved Kitty Contest. So I think you’re, ah, barkin’ up the wrong tree, fella.
Klak- Au contraire Captain. What I need right now is a lowlife bottom feeder who’ll do anything for a buck.
Chode- Oh. Well in that case, I’m your guy.
Klak- Captain, I’m in the political fight of my life. My opponent, George Goodfellow, is an arch conservative family values spouting goody goody who’s killing me in the polls. I’m desperate!
Chode- Ah, sorry buddy, I’m not political.
Klak- Maybe you’ll change your mind after you see this.
Goodfellow- Hello, I’m George Goodfellow. I want to keep this kind of space scum off our planet and off your daughter.
Announcer- George Goodfellow, he’s taking out the trash one piece at a time.
Klak- Well, what do you think about that?! Doesn’t that make you wanna get the bastard?!
Chode- Nah. To each his own. Eh, besides, I show my face and I’m dead meat!
Klak- Perhaps. But Goodfellow doesn’t know your crew. They could easily pose as campaign workers, infiltrate his headquarters
here in this hotel, and find something damaging I can use to ruin him.
[ Laughing ] Six- Captain, this could be very dangerous.
Klak- I’ll pay you double your usual fee and you can stay in the hotel for free as my guest.
Chode- Not so fast! Six is right! Mini bar included?
Gus- Wait a minute, if Goodfellow catches us, he’ll lock us up or worse, kill us!
Chode- Hm! Would you shut up? He just said yes to the mini-bar! You got yourself a deal!
Chode- Well what?
Gus- You’ve been walking back and forth for 2 hours! What’s the plan?
Chode- Ok, here it is. You two sleep in that bed. And you two sleep in the other bed. And I get that bed to myself. If I score with some chick you guys wait in the bathroom till I’m done. If any of you score…eh, take ’em someplace else. I need my sleep!
Six- Captain. I believe what he meant was, what is the plan to trap Goodfellow?
Chode- Oh that plan. Ok. Six, you’ll pose as a speech writer get ‘up close and personal with the ah candidate’. And while you are doing some late night ‘polishing’ on his uh ‘speech’, whip and I will snap some incriminating photos. Gus?
Chode- You’ll go in undercover as a hotel chambermaid to open the curtains so we can get the photographs.
T’Nuk- What about me?
Chode- Stay outta sight and outta the way. Last thing we need is you screwin’ things up.
T’Nuk- Well! I didn’t want to be a part of your stinky little peabrain plan anyway. I’m perfectly content to stay here and read. Ha!
Chode- Alright, let’s do it!
T’nuk- Who does that purple portajohn think he’s talkin’ to?! Stay outta sight?! Stay outta sight! Hmm…
Secretary- May I help you?
T’Nuk- Hello. I’m Monuka Blewinsky. I’m the daughter of a wealthy campaign contributor who uh, prefers to remain anonymous.
T’Nuk- I’m an intern, silly. Here to work under the candidate.
Secretary- Uh. We’re short of volunteers, but we’re not that short.
T’Nuk- Listen bitch. You’re gonna be wearin’ your teeth as a necklace in about ten seconds unless I get a job here!
Secretary- Ok. Here’s a campaign button. Go right over there and start stuffin’ envelopes. Welcome aboard!
Goodfellow- People ask me: George, what do you stand for? Well I’ll tell you. Everything and nothing.
[ Crowd cheering ] Goodfellow- I’m no double-speaking career politician. I’m just someone who’s been on the outside long enough to know what needs to be changed on the inside. But not so inside that I don’t care about the outside. Help yourself by helping me. Vote George Goodfellow in tomorrow’s election.
Six- Oh mr. Goodfellow! Could I talk to you alone?
Goodfellow- Boys, I’ll be up in a minute. Yes?
Six- That was such an inspiring speech. I have goose bumps all over my body.
Goodfellow- I can see ’em. They’re huge. The goose boobs, bumps I mean.
Six- My friends call me six.
Goodfellow- Well, I’d love to be one of your friends.
Six- Actually, I came here to try to get a job as one of your speech writers, but I see you don’t need my help getting off… a good speech.
Goodfellow- Nonsense. Tomorrow’s acceptance speech is a mess. Why I’d love to work ‘one on one with you’ in a ‘closed door
session’where we could ‘bang out all the kinks’ can you meet me upstairs in 15 minutes? Room 10002?
Six- I’ll be there.
T’Nuk- Sorry to startle you sir, but campaign headquarters needs your signature on these papers.
Goodfellow- Oh, ok.
T’Nuk- Oops. I’ll get ’em.
Goodfellow- Yuk! Ugh! I gotta go. I just realized I’m late for something. Anything.
T’Nuk- Oh! Wait a minute! I need to ask you something very important. Gotta light? Hello?
Gus- Maid. I clean now. Ja. Thank you. Naughty boy.
Goodfellow- Boys! … Oh! That’ll be all.
Gus- Oh, oh dear…
Goodfellow- hm? [ Knocking on door ] Oh! Come in.
Goodfellow- Hi. There’s no desk in here. I hope you don’t mind the bed.
Six- I find that’s where I do my best work.
Chode- You sure you know what you’re doin’?
Whip- Yep. Not to worry. Yes!
Chode- Alright… now go very… very… slow.
Whip- Yes sir.
[ Screaming ]
Goodfellow- God you’re hot. Did someone just fly past the window?!
Six- Uh… some people will do anything to get out of paying their bill.
Whip- I’ve almost got this thing figured out.
Chode- Would that manual next to the controls, possibly be of any help?!
Whip- I’ll take a look at it if I get in trouble.
Chode- Oh… you’re in trouble believe me. Now take me to the right floor!
Goodfellow- Wow. What do you call that?!
Six- Position number 403: “The back door to paradise”. only 247 to go.
Goodfellow- Oh, yeah!
Venetian- Look at this funny float I found.
Chode- If you blow on that little purple thing sticking up, I’ll float even better.
Six- Ok. See ya’ around.
Goodfellow- Wait a minute, what’s your hurry?
Six- You’re a busy man. I’ve taken up enough of your time.
Goodfellow- You’re a sex cyborg. I knew it. You were too good. Who owns you?!
Six- That’s none of your business.
Goodfellow- Even if you won’t tell me, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Six- I-I don’t know why, but I… love you.
Goodfellow- Of course you do, and you always will until the day you die.
[ Laughing ]
Chode- Where’s Whip with those pictures? And where in the hell are T’Nuk and Six?
T’Nuk- So… you thought I was too stupid and obvious to be a part of your pathetic little plan. You’re looking at the new girl at Goodfellows’ campaign headquarters.
Chode- Hey, if you’re the new girl, I’d hate to see what the old girl looks like.
T’Nuk- That’s all you know how to do, tear people down. Well, the Monica’s book has taught me that anything is possible. There are no more limits! [ Pants tearing ] Anybody know where a pretty girl can get a needle and thread?
Gus- No. But I know where you can get one. C’mon.
Whip- The camera was pretty banged up, but I was able to retrieve six shots from the memory.
Chode- Bingo! Good work, babe. Hey! What’d I do?
Gus- Oh, let’s see. I wanna know if all this was worth it. Oh dear. Mrs. Goodfellow’s not gonna wanna frame this one.
Six- He’s leaving her after he’s elected. He told me so. He loves me and I love him.
Chode- You’re not programmed to love. You’re programmed for lust. See?! What are you doing?!
Six- I can’t let you destroy my man.
Whip- Don’t worry Uncle Chode, i have the original on this disc.
Chode- You spit that back. That’s an order.
Six- I’m through taking orders from you. I’m going back to george. He treats me like a lady, not just some “piece of ass”.
Chode- Eh, you’re not just a piece of ass to me! A lot of the time, I’m thinking about your boobs too! What’d I say? What’d I say?
Chode-Those caviar omelet’s really hit the spot.
Whip- More champagne?
Chode- Don’t mind if I do.
Gus- I’ll take some champagne if you’re pourin’.
Chode- Wait a minute, you don’t drink. You’re a robot.
Gus- I know, but it’s free.
[ Door bell ringing ] Whip- I’ll get it.
Chode- If that’s room service, tell them we need more of everything. Especially the Dom Perignon.
Whip- Doesn’t that stuff cost a fortune unc?
Chode- Ah, that’s Klownman’s problem, not–
Klak- under no circumstances are you to bring anything else to this room full of free loaders!
Bellhop- Y-y-yes sir!
Klak- Screw this up, Chode, and you’re a dead man. You, and this tin fairy here, and that teenage pimple factory, will wish you were never born!
Gus- Uh. Just for purposes of accuracy, I wasn’t born. I was created in a lab. H-heelp. Heeeelp!
Chode- I don’t know what’s worse: A death threat or a dizzy queen.
T’Nuk- If you want me, Goodfellow, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you Goodfellow? Just put your lips together
[ Knocking on door ] Chode- Are you decent?
T’Nuk- I hope not. What fun is that?
Chode- Now that Six has jumped ship. I’m counting on your… help.
T’Nuk- Too late. I’m starting a business designing mediocre handbags like Monica Lewinsky did after she left the white house.
They didn’t appreciate her either.
Chode- Please don’t, you’re my last resort. Why else would I be here?
T’Nuk- Are you sure I’m not goin’ to “mess” things up for you?
Chode- We’re sorta under the gun here. I really need you to sneak around headquarters and dig up some dirt fast.
T’Nuk- You do?
Chode- Yes… dig up as much dirt as you can.
T’Nuk- Ok. If you say so.
T’Nuk-I don’t see how this is gonna help. Hm!
[ Crying from the distance]
Whip- What’s the plan now Uncle Chode?
Gus- He doesn’t have one and they say Goodfellow’s already way ahead.
Chode- Well, I suppose the only thing left is to do the right thing.
Gus- Admit you failed and return the advance?
Chode- No, take Klak Klownman’s money and run like hell!
Klak- Going someplace?!
Chode- Uhhh. Uh. To find you… and… tell… you… uhhh… good luck today!!
Klak- Listen you purple pile of puke. You’d better pull a rabbit outta your ass and come up with something fast to win me this election or my boys here are gonna use you for batting practice.
Chode- Yeah, we’re on top of the situation. Right now, members of my crackerjack team are working tirelessly on your behalf!
Six- Don’t waste your vote on a lousy clown. Vote Goodfellow!
Chode- Uh, well, she’s undercover… and part of a plan so elaborate and sophisticated, I dare not reveal it, even to myself.
Klak- For your sake, she better be. By the way, I took the precaution of having your ship impounded. Pity, you had so many
unpaid parking tickets.
T’Nuk- Goodfellow–bought and paid for–crook–wife in jail!
Six- Now slow down T’Nuk. I haven’t seen you this winded since you got your super sonic vibrator…
T’Nuk- He’s got his real wife and kids locked up in the basement. Those are robots in their place. We’ve gotta tell Chode!
Six- Now you just wait right here, and I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.
T’Nuk- Alright, but hurry.
Goodfellow- I’m glad you told me this. You know of course it’s not true.
Six- I didn’t think so.
Goodfellow- Now be a darling and get me a coffee and a sandwich. I haven’t eaten a thing today.
Six- Yes, George, whatever you say.
Goodfellow- I need a big fat problem taken care of, right away.
Six- Mrs. Goodfellow?
Mrs. Goodfellow- Yes.
Six- I’m not programmed for dishonesty. So I must confess to you that I love your husband, and he loves me. After the election, he plans to divorce you so he can be with me. You seem like a nice person, I hope it doesn’t cause you too much emotional distress.
Mrs. Goodfellow- Nice to meet you. Teach kids to read.
Six- Do you understand what I just said to you?
Mrs. Goodfellow- Ask my husband, he wears the pants in the family.
Six- I’m in love with your husband!
Mrs. Goodfellow- Nice to meet you. Teach kids to read. It takes a village, just say no. [ Malfunctionning ] It takes a village, just say no.
Six- T’Nuk was telling the truth! Why didn’t I see it?! That bastard.
T’Nuk- History is about to repeat itself. But this time it’s the president that’s gonna be brought to his knees![ Crowd cheering ] Goodfellow- This is a win, not just for me, George Goodfellow, but for all good fellows everywhere.
T’Nuk- I was an innocent young intern, minding my own business, until that pervert sprayed his baby gravy all over me!!
Goodfellow- I never touched that… that… what is that thing?!
Mrs. Goodfellow- Arrest that man. He kidnapped his own family and replaced us with robots!
T’Nuk- By the way, did I mention that I’m starting my own line of handbags?
Klak- This is not a time for anger. This is a time for forgiveness. I reach out my hand to the supporters of my opponents.
Six- Captain, we have a transmission from Floridia 7. It’s President Klackman.
Chode- Put him on.
Klak- Chode, my dear, dear friend, how can I ever repay you?
Chode- Cash’ll do fine.
Klak- How can I ever show you what your support and loyalty have meant to me?
Chode- Just pay me what you owe me!
Klak- How do I tell you… you’re not gettin squat!
Chode- Why, you two faced liar!
Klak- I prefer the term “politician”.
Chode- I’m not movin’ until I get my money!
Klak- Perfectly understandable. Attention home planet security, we have an intruder. Fire photon torpedoes!
– Captain, 30 seconds to impact.
Chode- Oh, frig it all!! Get us the hell out of here!
Chode-You didn’t really fall for that dirty rat, did you?
Six- No, I know now it wasn’t real, but at least I felt something, even if it was painful.
Chode- I know what it’s like to have a pain in your heart.
Six- You do?
Chode- Yeah. Turns out I’m allergic to canubian pickles. They give me the worst heartburn.
Six- Oh, Chode.
Chode- Oh, good to see my sex slave smilin’ again. Now what?!
T’Nuk- Not one handbag sold! Not one!
Chode- I don’t know, you may have sold one.
Gus- Hm! Are these unisex?!
This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.
Discuss this episode in
the ‘Tripping the Rift Forum‘
Attention Webmasters: If you insist on stealing these transcripts for your own website without contacting us first, at least have the decency to place a link on your site to sadgeezer.com. (You know who you are!)
Tripping the Rift names, characters and everything else associated with the series are the property of Chris Moeller, Chuck Austen and Film Roman, CineGroup and the Sci Fi Channel.