Introduction by LEXX
I AM THE LEXX. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON OF DESTRUCTION IN THE TWO UNIVERSES. I WAS GROWN ON THE CLUSTER BY HIS SHADOW. THE FOOD WAS GOOD THERE. MY CAPTAIN IS STANLEY TWEEDLE. I BLOW UP PLANETS FOR HIM.
STANLEY USED TO BE A SECURITY GUARD CLASS 4 ON THE CLUSTER BEFORE HE BECAME A FUGITIVE. HE IS MY CAPTAIN NOW BECAUSE HE GOT MY KEY FROM HERETICS WHO WANTED TO STEAL ME BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK ME AWAY.
STAN WAS HELPED BY ZEV, A B3K. SHE WAS MADE INTO A LOVE SLAVE AS PUNNISHMENT FOR FAILING TO PERFORM HER WIFELY DUTIES BUT THINGS WENT WRONG. NOW SHE IS PART CLUSTER LIZARD SO SOMETIMES SHE IS NOT A NICE LADY. A ROBOT HEAD CALLED 790- GOT PART OF THE LOVE SLAVE TRANSFORMATION THAT WAS MEANT FOR HER. HE IS IN MY CREW TOO. BECAUSE SHE IS A LOVE SLAVE, ZEV LIKES MEN, EXCEPT FOR STANLEY TWEEDLE.
THE ONLY OTHER MAN ON BOARD IS KAI, LAST OF THE BRUNNEN G. BUT HE IS DEAD SO HE CAN’T MAKE ZEV HAPPY. 2000 YEARS AGO KAI’S PLANET WAS DESTROYED BY HIS SHADOW AND ALL OF HIS PEOPLE WERE KILLED. THEY KEPT KAI’S BODY AND USED HIS AS AN ASSASSIN BUT HE GOT HIS MEMORY BACK FROM A DEVINE PREDESSESSOR AND THEN HE BECAME ONE OF MY CREW.
MY CREW ARE AFRAID OF HIS SHADOW. HIS SHADOW WANTS ME BACK AND HE WANTS HIS DEVINE PREDESSESSORS BACK TOO. BUT HE ESPECIALLY WANTS KAI DESTROYED BECAUSE HE IS AFFRAID OF THE PROPHESY. ZEV AND STAN AND KAI DON’T WANT THAT. THEY TOOK ME BEYOND HIS SHADOW’S REACH INTO A FRACTAL CORE INTO THE DARK ZONE, THE UNIVERSE OF EVIL AND CHAOS.
AND NOW WE ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.
KAI: “In the light zone I was darkness, perhaps in the Dark Zone I will be Light….”
This episode opens with more of 790’s crappy poetry. Zev enters the flight deck and Stanley awakens from a disturbed sleep. They are looking for Brunnus, which is the planet of the Brunnen G’s ancestors and Zev hopes that, by finding it, they will find some method of keeping Kai alive before his proto blood runs out. Stanley is not too keen on this since there are many thousands of planets and it would take hundreds of years to search them all.
Zev leaves in disgust and the camera moves, over the flight deck balcony and down into the deepest depths of the LEXX. Bubbling away at the bottom stirs Giggerota, the cannibal queen, whom we assumed had died when Kai pushed her off the flight deck balcony in the previous episode.
Next comes the famous shower scene. Zev takes a shower under a LEXX’s rather phallic looking spout, which reminds me, is LEXX a male? and why is that ‘spout’ so inquisitive? It wobbles about while Zev washes herself under it’s warm, clear water(?) I’m sorry to go on about this, but the mind boggles! Could it be that the lovely Zev is taking a shower at the same time that the LEXX is going to the toilet? Worse still. The LEXX, if it is indeed male, may be responding to the naked Zev in erm….. other ways. I can’t tell if the LEXX is coming or going……. if you know what I mean!
I’d think twice about having a shower on the LEXX until such questions have been answered.
Stanley hides in the corner and watches Zev showering. She notices that he is looking at her and, unruffled, asks him if there was something that he wanted (what a bloody stupid question that was). Stanley, naturally tries to persuade Zev that since they are the only two living human beings in the known Dark Zone, that they should, well, get it together.
Zev smiles, turns round to face him and asks, “You want me, don’t you Stan?” Half the people watching the programme all around the world replied “YES”. So did Stanley. He reminds her that she was transformed into a love slave.
Zev informs our love sick hero that the transformation was not complete. Then she walks over to him, slowly, tantalisingly and says, “My sexual needs were not only increased Stanley Tweedle, (lips pout, nostrils flare), they are beyond measurement. In fact, they have become almost uncontrollable (Stanley’s jaw drops). I am a white hot bouquet of desire. I now have an unquenchable thirst for physical fulfilment and my body needs to be touched, stroked, pleasured”.
Stanley volunteers, “I’m wanting to.”
Zev replies a little more coolly, “Well there’s only one thing for you to do Stanley Tweedle….. go somewhere private and erupt by yourself”.
Ah, poor Stanley. I nearly erupted myself after that scene. I know how you feel buddy. Those of you who were watching it in the United Kingdom would not have had to endure this scene, as it was butchered by the British film & TV censors. The pictures in this review are NOT from the UK screening which was, how can I put it, watered down.
Stanley is very upset by Zev’s remarks in the shower and resolves to throw himself off the bridge of the LEXX. Zev arrives (Stanley has been waiting for her) and he pleas with her, trying to find some common ground that he can build upon. Zev indicates that necrophilia is much more stimulating. Stanley asks that she grant his last request, a kiss. She relents and Stanley gives her the saddest kiss I’ve ever seen. It was a mixture between a snog, a lick, a peck and suck performed at the same time as having your feet immersed in cold water. Zev also finds it slightly pathetic and half smiles, half grimaces but in no way does she feel inclined to use her tongue. I think this unsettled Stanley who falls over the edge. He is saved by Zev who pulls him to safety, provided Stanley agrees to help her find Brunnus, that is.
When they arrive at the cryogenic capsule that holds Kai, they find Giggerota trying to open it so that she can eat him. She turns and is about to attack a smaller looking Zev when Kai re-animates and uses his handy wrist gadget to restrain her. They tie her up ready to deposit her on the next habitable planet. Kai tells them that he knows the way to Brunnius. And so our intrepid band head off.
When they arrive at the planet they notice a number of large structures which appear to hold back the Brunnus star from going Supa Nova. There is another, much smaller blue star near it. The planet is deserted of all life. ALL Kai’s ancestors must have left for the Light Zone. As they fly over the deserted planet they come upon the memory catacombs of the Brunnen G.
Upon landing at the catacombs, a holographic figure appears at the door to welcome them and is immediately replaced, to the surprise of our heroes, by Poetman, a holographic plonker who was left behind because he was hung-over after the final goodbye party (a likely story). Tim Curry is well known for hamming up ‘over the top’ characters, but you just know there is something a little more sinister behind this one. They enter the catacombs.
Our heroes attempt to find out information about proto-blood. Zev enters the door of life after listening to Poetman rant on about being left behind. A group of pretty lights engulf and transport them through the door. Kai follows Zev. Stanley, after some indecision, is persuaded to venture through the ‘love’ chamber.
He is escorted by Poetman. A machine scans Stanley’s genitals to determine his sex and malfunctions causing it to choose the path of females for Stanley. Stanley tries to persuade Poetman of the error but Poetman can’t believe his luck. He gets all excited and managers to restrain Stanley in a chair, legs open.
Zev finds herself in a room of wonder. She sees flashbacks of her life, a life of rejection and disappointment. It upsets her, but then she sees her dream Kai, dressed as he was before being killed by His Shadow. This is a Kai with feelings, and it is clear that when he sees her he feels as she does. They embrace and then they sing a duet together. This story goes from the sublime to the ridiculous! Actually it was quite nicely done, Kai and Zev’s voices were ok, but they shouldn’t give up their ‘day jobs’ if you know what I mean.
Stanley’s horror continues when Poetman, believing that he has a captive woman strapped to a chair, thinks he can impregnate her with his erm… essence (how do you get sperm from a hologram?). The eternal Poetman simply wants to pro-create. He wants lots of little Poetmen running around – poor sod. This man has delusions of grandeur – BIG TIME. Stanley can only look in horror.
Unfortunately, Zev and Kai (mainly Zev) can only look in horror too. Suddenly the ‘dream sequence’ that they experienced vanishes and they find themselves lying on a bed about to be cut in half by two very menacing looking circular saws. Have you noticed that the only theme of this show that applies to both universes is death by circular saw!. Our intrepid lovebirds are about to be sliced in-two so that their ‘memories’ can be extracted and stored on a sort of CD for prosperity. The process is known as ‘The Burst of Life’, a bit misleading that, don’t you think?
Stanley is getting very worried. Poetman has a devious plan of impregnating the occupant of the chair with, well….. the scene gets quite tense, and as we are shown the receptacle where the impregnation device is stored. We see a close up of a little clamp go in to retrieve…….(Millions of us all over the world are intrigued as to what little device would be used, we think (yes you did) will it be a, ……., a ….. Well it wasn’t. the writers wimped out in the end and all we get is a) big needle containing loads of a white substance not unlike…. erm …. ejaculate. The ‘implement’ moves menacingly towards Stanley, his hips gyrate comically in an attempt to dodge the pointy device. Almost before he is impregnated the unlovely Giggerota saves him (shame). She releases him and tries to get Stanley to leave without his pals. But even Stanley isn’t that mean.
Kai however is not so lucky. He is sliced in two by the circular saw. It would be an understatement to say that Zev is upset by this, but then again she has her own little saw to worry about. It moves in for the kill. Her legs are forced apart (not much) to facilitate a ‘clean’ cut and we all watch in horror as the blade approaches.
Stanley and Giggerota are in another room which houses the controls for the system that keeps the Brunnus sun from going Supa Nova. Giggerota turns the system off. Stanley, upset, finds that Kai and Zev are still on the planet and that they will be killed if the Supa Nova takes place. He battles with Giggerota to turn the system back on. Giggerota wins by biting off his hand using the biggest tongue you’ve ever seen! She departs with Stanley’s hand to the LEXX.
As the circular saw gets closer, Stanley finds a room full of the recordings of Brunnen G people before they died. He stumbles on one of these recordings and crashes to the floor. The recording plays. It is of a man in consultation with the Time Prophet and goes something like this….
TIME PROPHET: Stanley Tweedle, STANLEY TWEEDLE!
MAN: Stanley Tweedle? Time Prophet, my name is not Stanley Tweedle, my name is…
TIME PROPHET: It matters not. I know, that by seeing into the Future Past. I know that 5000 years after your death, Stanley Tweedle will visit the Brunnen G memory catacombs. He will touch your memory….
MAN: Erm b, but my question was about the mineral deposits on Orillion 4.
TME PROPHET: Forget about the mineral deposits. This is important. Stanley, you are the only one who can save Kai and Zev. You must go to section 83, row 249, block 35. There you will find a stone cover. Lift it GO NOW.
Stanley does as he is told and he lifts the cover to find that Kai is in two pieces and Zev is about to suffer the same fate. He tries to jump down and save her but gets tangled in the rope. However, because the lid is open, a strong beam of light is able to reflect of Kai’s CD recording and onto his body which enables him to piece himself together, yeah I thought it a bit far fetched too, but hell, it did the trick. Kai was able to stop the cutters and even free the tangled Stanley.
Meanwhile, the Brunnus sun is rapidly reaching the point of no return and will Supa Nova in only minutes. ‘Leather Ass’, as 790 calls her, has reached the LEXX with Stanley’s hand. She tries to take off, but because she can’t imitate Stanley’s voice, the LEXX ignores her. This gets her very upset indeed and she goes to console herself by eating a couple of the Divine Predecessors (who gave her the idea in the first place). They manage to stop her chomping on all of them by persuading her to go back and get Stanley.
Stanley managed to turn on the stabilisation unit but he is too late. It would take the system too long to ‘warm up’ so that it could stabilise the Brunnus Sun. Poetman appears and tells them, “Look at my face, it’s the last one you’re ever going to see”.
Giggerota is rapidly approaching them only to notice, in the wing mirrors of her moth transport, that the Divine Predecessors have managed, between them, to imitate Stanley’s voice and, with the hand, ordered the LEXX ‘to depart immediately’. Giggerota by way of a small consolation, comfort eats a small piece of her flying moth. The flying moth is unimpressed by this and deposits her on a rather inaccessible part of the planets surface where she is doomed to spend the rest of her life (about ten minutes).
Our heroes meanwhile, watch the Supa Nova. Zev snuggles up to Kai so that she can be close to him in their final moments and, looking over to a dejected Stanley, offers him her hand. A nice touch this, not quite what Stanley had dreamed of admittedly, but in their last minutes it was nice. He gratefully takes her hand.
The Supa Nova begins. Actually it isn’t like any Supa Nova I would imagine, the Brunnen G just have to be bloody different don’t they?. This Supa Nova involves the big red star, lets call that daddy star and the little blue companion star, we’ll call this one mummy star. Daddy star and mummy star gradually begin to circle each other, a sort of slow waltz. Daddy star gets bigger and mummy star begins to circle him. Suddenly a big beam of light shoots out and grabs hold of the LEXX (?). It pulls the LEXX back to the surface of the planet.
Then daddy star says to Kai, “I am Brunnus sun” and mummy star says, “and I am the Blue Star”. Then they both continue, “We are together Kai, last of the Brunnen G”,
Kai asks, “You know my name?” Well, wouldn’t you? I mean, not everyone has had a couple of stars talk to them.
Mummy and daddy star continue, “Yes. We knew long before you were born that you Kai, would be enslaved by His Shadow, that you would escape to the Dark Zone, and that you would come to Brunnus”. Zev and Stanley also speak to the stars. Stanley asks if they can tell him his future.
Mummy and daddy star reply, “No, We will tell you that today is not your day to enjoy death. It is our day to Supa Nova. Together.” They say this with loads of lust in their voices. “We will see you in the next cycle of time, as we saw you in the last. Goodbye.”
And with those warm words mummy and daddy star move closer and closer together, they start to revolve round each other moving faster and faster and faster (no, mummy star didn’t say that I did). Things really start hotting up between these two. They move closer and closer expanding slightly as they do, getting brighter and brighter until, until ….. they move together as one and explode. Whew.
Our intrepid threesome manage to rush into the LEXX, parked close by, and escape the explosion just in time. Giggerota I’m afraid was still stranded and got an eyeful of Supa Nova.
Brunnus was no more. Despite an exiting adventure, Kai was still no closer to achieving life. Stanley however got his hand back and it was fixed by 790 and some magic water. Zev helps Kai get back into the cryogenic chamber. And Stanley orders the LEXX to find them a new home.
“As you wish Stanley.” It replies.
And so ended the second of the Stories from the Dark Zone. What a great episode! Not as good as the first mind you, and it has to be said that except for the Brits, this was helped considerably by the shower scene.
Nevertheless, I would have to rate this a groovy 39,803 out of 10.
What did you think?
By the way girls, I would have shown pictures of Kai in the shower if this bloke ever washed, but the fact is, he is a smelly dead person so, who’d want to see?
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This episode review is © 1999 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission
The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.