Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E12: Love Conquers All…Almost

Bob’s Opening Line – [ fart ] It wasn’t me.

Bob- Oh jeez, this is murder! Oh. You’re killin’ me!
Chode- Hey, no pain, no gain. And I’m gonna gain me a bundle off this black market coco butter.
Six- Theoretically, as space is a weightless environment, towing a freight car full of bricks should be no harder than towing a bag of feathers.
Bob- Whoever came up with that theory never had a trailer hitch stuck up their ass. How much further?!
Six- We’re almost there. It’s the planet Bele Lokai. Just up ahead.
Chode- Is that the planet where the women screw each other while the men just watch and whack off?
Six- Nooo, it’s the resort planet with continual sunshine o­n o­ne side, and continual darkness o­n the other.
Chode- Oh… big deal.
T’Nuk- Gus sweetie, it’s time for the entertainment news! Nancy O’Delta’s o­n!
Chode- Gus sweetie? Since when are you so nice to gus?
T’Nuk- Since he showed me how to plug my vibrator into the warp core.
Chode- So that’s why the damn lights keep goin’ o­n and off all night.
Nancy- Good evening everybody. How often do the leaders of the Dark Clowns and the Confederation find themselves vacationing o­n the same planet? Well don’t tell them, but our sources say it’s happening right now o­n Bele Lokai, where Confederation Commander Adam and Dark Clown Overlord Darph Bobo are vacationing with their families. As always, they’re o­n opposite sides.
T’Nuk- Wouldn’t they make a cute couple?!
Chode- Sure. Adam and Bobo have been trying to screw each other for years.
T’Nuk- I mean their kids. They’d be adorable together.
Gus- Pardonnez-moi, but they’ve got absolutely nothing in common, other than both their fathers being bloodthirsty, power-mad tyrants.
Chode- And complete jerkoffs!
T’Nuk- I think it’d be romantic. You know…’love conquers all’. It’s just like the play I’m reading, Romeo and Juliet.
Whip- Is that true, uncle Chode? Does love conquer all?
CHode- Sure kid. Ask any hooker.
T’Nuk- Shhh.
Nancy- In other news, two more nominees were announced for the intergalactic peace prize. Tomaso Fasanella and Antoinette Gostino. Beside the honor, the winner of the peace prize will receive o­ne million kronigs in gold.
Chode- A million kronigs for what?! Just for gettin’ a couple of suckers to shake hands?
T’Nuk- I know. It’s so easy. For example, some dumbass could play matchmaker with Commander Adam’s son and Darph Bobo’s daughter, which would force the Dark Clowns and the Confederation to stop their war.
Chode- And all that peace prize loot would be theirs for the takin’! I’m that dumbass!
T’NUk- Ooh no! I’m the dumbass that thought of it!
Chode- But I’m the dumbass that could pull it off!
T’Nuk- But pound for pound, I’m a bigger dumbass than you’ll ever be!
Gus- You’re both right. But may I remind you that we’re a band of smugglers, not matchmakers. And right now we have a load of coco butter that… is floating past the ship and into the Bele Lokai sun?
Chode- Bob?!
Bob- I just let go for a minute. That’s outer space for ya’.
Six- It would appear, captain, that matchmaking may indeed be our o­nly option. We’ll have to repay the cost of the lost cargo.
T’Nuk- Well that settles it. We’re gonna get those two teens from opposite sides of the universe to fall in love! It’ll all end happily, like Romeo & Juliet!
GUs- Romeo and juliet die at the end of the play?
T’Nuk- Thanks for ruining the ending, bigmouth!
Chode- Bob? Set a course for Bele Lokai. Operation “love conquers all” begins now!

Gus- Are you dancing or checking the strength of the floorboards?
Chode- Who are you to talk? You can’t even do the robot, ya spaz. Hey there.
Babette- Cheese it, assface.
Chode- Maybe you got the wrong impression.
Babette- Well, maybe.
Chode- Aaaaah! [ Screaming in pain ] You have to listen… just a minute… I want to put you o­n tv.
Babette- I’ve been o­n T.V. Before. My daddy’s Darph Bobo. The Darph Bobo.
Chode- Huh, who? Should I know that name?
Babbette- The upreme commander of the Dark Clown Empire.
Chode- Really? I had no idea when I chose you totally at random.
T’Nuk- Did you tell her it’s a reality show called “Love Conquers All”? Two teens, a box of condoms, and a love they said that could never be.
Babette- It sounds like a load of crap!
T’Nuk- Well of course it’s crap, that’s what makes it great T.V.!
Babette- My mother, who’s an unbelievable bitch, would die of embarrassment if I went o­n a show like that. I’ll do it.
Gus- Would you please tell this man I’m not gay?!
Chode- Sure… later.

Chode- Excuse me, son…
Adam 12- Keep walking, perv.
Chode- I think you’ve got the wrong idea. I mean, I am a pervert, but that’s not why I’m talking to you.
Adam 12- So? What can I do for you?
T’Nuk- It’s what we can do for you. How would you like to be a tv star, young man?
Adam 12- Fuck off cow face!
T’Nuk- Why you rotten little pimple factory! For two cents, I’d rearrange your…
Chode- Future. Your bright shiny future! As the star of a reality series called “Love Conquers All.”
Adam 12- Not interested, “three eyes”.
T’Nuk- Oh, I know what it is. Mr. Cool here has to ask mommy and daddy’s permission.
[ Laughing mockingly ]
Chode- Daddy, can I be o­n tv? No? Ok, I’ll just go sit in my highchair till I grow some balls.
Adam 12- Hey, nobody tells me what to do! If I wanna be o­n a reality tv show, I’ll be o­n a reality tv show.
Chode- You da man, kid! Sign here.

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Spankey- From a l to a o, to the v, to the e just c’mon boy love is what you’ll see
Chode- I thought I told you to flush that monkey down the toilet!
T’Nuk- I tried! But he came back up.
Whip- De plane, boss, de plane.
Gus- Wrong show.
Chode- Greetings and welcome aboard, Miss Babette.
Babette- Uh-huh. This is a really nice dump you’ve got here. I don’t see any cameras.
T’Nuk- That’s because they’re all hidden.
CHode- That’s right. We want you to appear as natural as possible.
Babette- That’s ok, as long as I look hot. What’s the nicest room in this crapbox?
T’Nuk- We have you assigned to the Lido Deck.
Chode- Why do I have to give up my room?
T’Nuk- Gus, perhaps you could carry Babette’s bag to her room?
Gus- But I’m supposed to be ‘doc’! You’re gopher.
T’Nuk- Just do it!
Gus- May I take your bag, ma’am?
Babatte- This is my purse. Those are my bags.
Gus- Oh… I never…
Whip- Hey hey heey!
Gus- Wrong… show…
Chode- And here’s the universe’s most eligible bachelor…
Adam 12- I always wondered if that would work.
Chode- Yes well, Whip, escort our guest to my, I mean his quarters and show him where I keep my munchie stash.
Whip- Dy-no-mite!
Gus- Wrong show! Get a fucking clue!
Chode- And now, let the fireworks begin.

Chode- I can’t believe how badly this is going! They’ve been in there six hours and nothing!
Gus- Well, you know what they say… you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t get over how big its genitals are. Or something like that.
Six- Well, if it’s true that love conquers all, maybe you’re making it too easy. Maybe the problem is you’re not giving them any obstacles to overcome.
Chode- Six, you sweet piece of ass- tute observation, you’re right! I’m going in!

Chode- Ok, you two, show’s over, there’s been a big mistake: I knew that you Babette were Darph Bobo’s daughter, cuz ya told me, but I had no idea that Adam 12 here was Commander Adam’s son or we’d never have allowed this.
Babette- What’s the difference?
Chode- The difference is, in all the universe, you are each the o­ne person the other can never ever have.
Adam 12- What are you saying, that we can’t be together?
Chode- No! Never! Your parents would never tolerate it! It’s sad, yes, but yours is a love that can never be! Please say your goodbyes immediately; you must be separated to please your parents.
Babette- What if we don’t want to be separated?
Chode- I’m sorry, you must understand, no matter how much you want to be together, it’s forbidden! Like say smokin’ or drinkin’ or screwin’ or anything else that’s fun and proof of adulthood.
Adam 12- Our parents can’t keep us apart if we want to be together!
Babette- That’s right.
Chode- Sorry, no. It’s more than just your parents: The whole galaxy wants to keep you apart. No, I’m very sorry, but you never should have met.
Babette- But we have met, and nobody can do anything about it.
Adam 12- So get lost!
Chode- Well, if you think I’m going to leave the two of you alone to prove you can defy the universe with your love, guess again.
Babette- Get out!
Chode- As you like. But remember, you must not have drunken casual sex! By the way, there’s a bottle of champagne over there. Don’t drink it or else!

Six- Captain…
Chode- Ah, I suppose you saw my work in there. At a loss for words? Try “brilliant”. Or maybe “inspired”.
Six- Captain, we received a transmission…
Chode- not now, Six…
Six- but…
Chode- I did it! It’s because of me that they’re in there right now. Babette and Adam 12, I worked them like puppets. They’re even dumber than their old men!
Six- Captain, you really need to know…
Chode- I’d like to see the look o­n Darph Bobo’s face if he knew that Commander Adam’s idiot son was in there playing “that’s not my belly button, that’s not my finger” with his darling little Babette.
Both- Chode!!!
Bobo- Chode… if you don’t return my daughter to me right now, I’m going to throw your sorry ass into a blender and make a hundred cream pies outta your putrid purple guts!
Adam- Oh yeah? Well Chode, if you don’t return my son right now, I’m going to upload you into a virtual video game called “Torture Chode until he begs for the sweet relief of death”.
Chode- But fellas… you know what they say… love conquers all.
Bobo- You imbecile. Where did you hear that?
Adam- Your love of your own ass better conquer all, crapsack.
Chode- But if your children got together, you’d have to resolve your differences. There would be peace in the universe.
Bobo- Who the hell wants that?
Adam- Yeah, we’d both be out of a job and home with our wives all day!
Both- Yaaaaach!!!
Bobo- The o­nly peace I want is a bloody piece of you! Now, give us our kids!
Adam- … Or you’re dead meat!!!

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Chode- Kids! Jokes over! You’re both radioactive! Opposite sides of the room, please; we’ve got to decontaminate! Uh?

Chode- They’re gone. Bob? Where are they?
Bob- They left in my space shuttle. At least I think it was them. I was taking a leak.
Chode- Well, we got to get ’em back.
Gus- Well, it shouldn’t be hard to find them: They could o­nly have gone anywhere in the universe.
T’Nuk- God I hate young love! Now, where would a self centered little tramp and her spoiled ratfink scumbag boyfriend hide out?
Six- Captain, I’ve come up with some coordinates based o­n their magnetic trail, it appears they have landed in a rain forest area of Bele Lokai.
Chode- Ok, we have to beam down a landing party to ferret them out. To the transporter!
T’Nuk- If they don’t come willingly, I say we fire some warning shots… into their heads.

Bob- Incoming transmission.
Chode- Not now!
Bobo- Yes, now. Chode, do you hear that?
Bernice- How can you be such a complete ass and so half assed at the same time? You’re a contradiction in derogatory terms!
Bobo- I o­nly married you cuz you were knocked-up with my brat! So shut your pie hole bitch! And get off my back! Sorry you people had to see that. We’re in counseling. Where was I? Oh yeah. Where is my daughter, chode? I’m having two cast-iron clown shoes made to order. You have two hours to return her or you’re gonna be wearin’ em!
Chode- Oh yeah? Well if I die, at least I will never have to lay eyes o­n that ugly smear you call your face. You look like the inside of a crayon-eating baby’s diaper.
Bobo- Just because I turned off the screen doesn’t mean I can’t hear what you’re saying, you purple snotrag!

Gus- Ugh! This rainforest stinks!
Whip- Sorry, beans for lunch.
Chode- The growth is thicker than t’nuk’s backhair; I don’t know how we’re going to locate…
T’Nuk- you’re the Captain, do something.
Chode- A captain goes down with the ship, fine, but in the rainforest, it’s everyone for themselves.
T’Nuk- Ahem! I have a name, you know. It’s t’nuk. Keep going; don’t stop, big boy. Just my luck. He’s married.
Shmoda- Crush me with your foot do not!
Chode- Who are you?
Shmoda- Shmoda I am. Looking for the young couple you come, yes?
Chode- Yes! Where are they?
Shmoda- Fun with her I will have if help you I do, yes?
Chode- Backwards you talk and piss me off much it does. No you will not have fun with her. Where are they?
Gus- We’re either within a couple hundred yards or a couple hundred miles. Either way, we’re very close, in space terms.
Chode- Alright, alright, you win. Now where are they?
Shmoda- Turn around you should.
Babette- Hello, everyone! Look how Adam and I defied the whole galaxy!
Adam 12- How can we ever thank you all for helping our love triumph?
Chode- Funny you should ask. I think the best thank you would be to agree to separate, go back to your folks, and never see each other again.
Adam 12- Ok, what’s the second-best way for us to thank you?
Chode- Hey, you’re too special to settle for second-best. Ok, let’s take you back to your parents.
Babette- We can’t go back, captain, we’re in love. It has conquered everything and everyone between us.
Chode- Uh, kids, love is a hormonally-induced illusion. Babette, someday you’ll look at Adam and wonder why you ever settled for the failure he’s become. And Adam, someday soon you’ll want to stick a photon ray in your mouth just to escape the sound of her voice o­nce and for all.
Babette- Oh you’re wrong. Our love will defiantly last forever.
Chode- Then it can surely stand a trial separation; take some time apart for the rest of your lives and see how you feel long after I die of natural causes. Then, if you want to get back together, great. Ok?
Adam 12- Hey, you’re captain of a ship; doesn’t that mean you can marry us?
Chode- This negotiation is headed in the entirely wrong direction!! [ Laser gun shot ] Everybody get down! Great, the Clowns have tracked our coordinates! What else could go wrong?
Adam’s Wife- Adam! Adam! Young man, come out this instant! Just because your father was a big disappointment doesn’t mean you have to turn out to be o­ne too!
Chode- Where are they?
Gus- Uh-oh…
Chode- what does it say?
Gus- “Dear everyone, we know our parents will never allow us to be together we’d rather make the ultimate sacrifice than be apart. Signed, Babette and Adam.”
Chode- Where could they have gone?
Whip- No way to tell. There’s just this path here leading off to that smoking volcano in the distance. I don’t see anywhere they could make an ultimate sacrifi-.

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Six- Do you two kids really want to do this for love? You’re young! You’ve got so much to live for!
Babette- We’re sick of our parents telling us what we can’t do: Don’t sneak out! Don’t take money out of my wallet! Don’t throw yourself in a volcano for love!
Chode- Think of me! I’m still relatively young! I’ve got so much to live for!
Adam 12- Dude, our love is too strong to not be willing to sacrifice you too! It’s bigger than the three of us!
Babette- Totally! Your death will be ennobled by our love! You’d be lucky to die for our love, fatface!
Chode- Uh, you’re making a big mistake! Think of what you’re leaving behind!
Adam 12- Leaving behind a world without my hottie Babette is easy to do!
Babette- I’m happy for us, but sad for the world we leave behind, diminished by the loss of a love such as ours!
Chode- Think about your trust funds!!
Adam’s wife- Adam!?
Chode- And how your little brother and sister will get all of your money!
Adam 12- Later.
Babette- So later.
Adam’s wife- You have got a lot of nerve making me make your jackass father search all over the planet for you!
Adam- I found him, didn’t I?
Adam’s wife- I found him. You couldn’t find waldo in a bin full of waldo dolls.
Bernice- Here she is, you simpering idiot! Do I have to do everything myself? You’re as useless as a crotchless chastity belt! Go get that for me, would you?
Bernice and Adam’s wife- Get out of my sight!!
Shmoda- Don’t worry, be gentle with her I will.

Chode- Babette and Adam 12 are returned, and I’m safe. I’m safe!
T’Nuk- Don’t rub it in. I was ready to pour my life savings into tokens for the “Torture Chode” game.
Six- I have to say, I’m disappointed.
Chode- Six, I thought you’d be glad that I’m still here. Wouldn’t you miss the time we spend, and the laughs we share, the ideas we discuss and my purple pleasure plunger?
Six- Of course. It’s just that after all the beautiful notions, it’s too bad that love really doesn’t conquer all.
Gus- I don’t know. Seeing Darph and Adam with their wives, they looked pretty conquered.
Chode- Actually, Six, love did conquer all.
Six- It did?
Chode- Yeah, self-love. For the love of myself, I had to break those two nitwits apart.
Six- Still I would like to believe that there is a greater love than that.
Chode- Oh, there is. The love of money. [ Laughing ] Speaking of which, we’re gonna need to do another freight job for some quick cash.
Bob- But… my sciatica!
Chode- You’ll be fine.
Bob- I’m gonna need a better health plan. You people are usin’ me up like a kleenex!
Six- What did you have in mind, chode?
Chode- I know a guy who can get us a great deal o­n hand creme in bulk.
Bob- Oh great! How bulky is this friggin’ bulk?
Gus- We could haul a load of hand creme to Reubenia Five. Demand is high, Reubinians have 6 hands.
Chode- Demand for a load of hand creme would be even higher with the Lux Davidians.
Six- How many hands do they have?
Chode- Two, but they’ve got five peckers. These frog’s legs are really something. Very -burp!- Forceful-tasting.

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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