LEXX: S01E03: Eating Pattern

Introduction by LEXX

I AM THE LEXX. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON OF DESTRUCTION IN THE TWO UNIVERSES. I WAS GROWN ON THE CLUSTER BY HIS SHADOW. THE FOOD WAS GOOD THERE. MY CAPTAIN IS STANLEY TWEEDLE. I BLOW UP PLANETS FOR HIM.

STANLEY USED TO BE A SECURITY GUARD CLASS 4 ON THE CLUSTER BEFORE HE BECAME A FUGITIVE. HE IS MY CAPTAIN NOW BECAUSE HE GOT MY KEY FROM HERETICS WHO WANTED TO STEAL ME BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK ME AWAY.

STAN WAS HELPED BY ZEV, A B3K. SHE WAS MADE INTO A LOVE SLAVE AS PUNNISHMENT FOR FAILING TO PERFORM HER WIFELY DUTIES BUT THINGS WENT WRONG. NOW SHE IS PART CLUSTER LIZARD SO SOMETIMES SHE IS NOT A NICE LADY. A ROBOT HEAD CALLED 790- GOT PART OF THE LOVE SLAVE TRANSFORMATION THAT WAS MEANT FOR HER. HE IS IN MY CREW TOO. BECAUSE SHE IS A LOVE SLAVE, ZEV LIKES MEN, EXCEPT FOR STANLEY TWEEDLE.

THE ONLY OTHER MAN ON BOARD IS KAI, LAST OF THE BRUNNEN G. BUT HE IS DEAD SO HE CAN’T MAKE ZEV HAPPY. 2000 YEARS AGO KAI’S PLANET WAS DESTROYED BY HIS SHADOW AND ALL OF HIS PEOPLE WERE KILLED. THEY KEPT KAI’S BODY AND USED HIS AS AN ASSASSIN BUT HE GOT HIS MEMORY BACK FROM A DEVINE PREDESSESSOR AND THEN HE BECAME ONE OF MY CREW.

THE TIME PROPHET SAID THAT KAI WOULD DESTROY HIS SHADOW’S ORDER BUT THAT WILL BE HARD BECAUSE HIS PROTO BLOOD IS RUNNING OUT AND HE MUST STAY INSIDE A VERY COLD BOX.

MY CREW ARE AFRAID OF HIS SHADOW. HIS SHADOW WANTS ME BACK AND HE WANTS HIS DEVINE PREDESSESSORS BACK TOO. BUT HE ESPECIALLY WANTS KAI DESTROYED BECAUSE HE IS AFFRAID OF THE PROPHESY. ZEV AND STAN AND KAI DON’T WANT THAT. THEY TOOK ME BEYOND HIS SHADOW’S REACH INTO A FRACTAL CORE INTO THE DARK ZONE, THE UNIVERSE OF EVIL AND CHAOS.

AND NOW WE ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.

KAI: “In the light zone I was darkness, perhaps in the Dark Zone I will be Light….”

The scene is set by 790 reciting some more of his crappy and slightly erotic poetry concerning you know who. Stanley is ordering food from one of LEXX’s phallic ‘spouts’. Suddenly a transmission is intercepted by the LEXX of Bog, a character from the planet Klaagya. 790 calls for Zev (“love muff muffin…”) and informs her that they have intercepted a transmission from a remote probe.

Bog’s transmission suggests that passing travellers should stop off at Klaagya. It is a rather disjointed performance reminiscent of Dracula advertising a health food restaurant. The short presentation ends with a distracted Bog trying to hide a peculiar movement underneath a bandage wrapped around his neck. His final words are “.…..it’s that time again…. Oh Shit“. Stanley makes a typical ‘yuk’ type comment before the face of Bog reappears and makes one final plea for the unsuspecting travellers to come visit.

They try to determine the location of the original transmission, but 790 informs them that there is insufficient information to calculate the whereabouts of the Planet.

A few weeks later, Stanley is trying to obtain some edible food from LEXX. LEXX is hungry and cannot produce food for Stanley if it is starving. Stanley declares a crisis and suggests to Zev that they awake Kai. Unfortunately Kai’s cryogenic chamber is faulty and he is freeze dried! After close examination they decide that Kai is too dead to revive (erm…) to the obvious distress of the lovely Zev.

Meanwhile LEXX is acting on its own initiative and attempting to find a planet where it can feed. It has located a large planet with large quantities of organic material that would satisfy its nutritional requirements. 790 concludes that the planet is basically a rubbish dump and that there is no life on it. Stanley has one of his ‘bad feelings’ but reluctantly decides to land on the planet so that LEXX can feed and so that Zev can bury Kai. Why not just feed him to LEXX?

They land on the Planet, yep it’s Klaagya, and while LEXX feeds, Stanley, 790 and a tearful Zev bury Kai under a load of rubbish (?). After the service, 790 spots an abandoned habitation close by and Zev insists that they investigate. Ignoring the objections of Stanley and 790, Zev pilots the transportation moth to the building and Zev and 790 leave Stanley to investigate.

She finds some food but is soon attacked by a sort of monster with long tentacles. It grabs her by the ankles and drags her half way round the room before a group of tiny lights pass over her outstretched body as if investigating her. Weeelll, who wouldn’t! The lights and the monster depart without hurting her.

Stanley, on the other hand, has decided not to wait for Zev and attempts to find her. He stumbles across a dirty looking bloke with one leg carrying a dismembered leg (?!) in one hand and a rather menacing looking axe in the other. Most of us would have run away at this point but Stanley, just stands there, presumably transfixed with fear. The happy looking dirty bloke looks at Stanley and swings his axe at him, he misses, and hits a pipe – what a moron. This bloke is stupid and a bad shot! Before the happy moron can take another swing, Stanley is saved by a gorgeous blonde dressed in a black cat suit with lots of holes in it.

The attractive stranger gets him to safety and asks “do you like me?” Then she kisses him (?!). This wasn’t just any old kiss though. At first I thought they were using tongues, but we find that she has, in fact, infected Stanley with a ‘satellite worm’. Stanley recovers from the kiss but has changed from being a worried pathetic moron into a happy moron. He is unconcerned by this transformation.

Zev leaves the monsters lair, only to be clobbered on the head by Snik an older happy moron. He ties her up and takes her, with a couple of his colleagues, to his place. Snik looks as though he is cold turkey and they go to visit Bog to see if she can be traded for some ‘pattern’. This substance will satisfy Snik’s craving.

Snik arrives at Bogs quarters and knocks on the door. A door flap opens and an ominous moron peeks out. Snik tries to bargain with him for some pattern. The ominous moron doesn’t believe that Snik has a clean person and insists that he bring him a piece of her body, say the head, as proof.

The ominous moron smiles as he closes the door flap and returns to the festivities in Bogs room. ‘Festivities’ doesn’t quite describe it. A whole bunch of these unwashed happy morons are assembled around a sort of dilapidated ‘game show set’ comprising of a circle of large game cards, each with a picture if a body part pained on it. Nope, not rude body parts, more like crude drawings of legs or arms etc.

Two happy morons (the contenders) are strapped onto each end of a badly constructed but sturdy armature. The arm is able to spin around passing each of the cards in turn, rather like a sick game of Wheel of Fortune. Then, when you least expect it, a most disgusting despicable scene begins where some twerp moron starts singing and playing the sorriest excuse for a guitar I’ve ever seen. This morons singing was so bad, you began to wonder why he was not one of the lucky fellows being strapped to the game arm. Other assembled happy morons beat in time to the ‘music’.

Just as I was about to turn over to another channel, the leader, Bog, is escorted into the room to a rousing chorus of “bur b bur b bur b buur b bur b bur, who is the king of pat(tern)“.

The game is played by spinning the arm round and round. The assembled happy morons chant ‘game, game, game’ (as you do), waiting for the arm to stop. Eventually it stops and one of the lucky contenders wins some pattern, which is a luminous green fluid in a little jar, and the looser wins the amputation of a limb corresponding to his adjacent lucky card. The slightly disgruntled looser looks on in as two happy morons bring on a vicious looking pair of cutters and prepare to amputate.

At this point, Wist enters with the doting Stanley and he is introduced to Bog. The unlucky disgruntled moron has a leg and an arm amputated and Stanley looks on with interest as Bog places the body parts into a sort of ‘glopeta-glopeta machine’. It is this machine which makes the luminous green liquid called pattern. However, a whole limb of an ugly moron only makes a small amount.

Bog confesses as the process is completed, that this new brew of pattern is not exactly premium and explains that premium pattern requires fresh ‘clean’ bodies. Stanley expresses a wish to help, firstly by taking them to Kai’s grave, and when they find that he is gone, then to LEXX to collect a few of the Divine Predecessors.

Meanwhile, Zev has been found by some other, more ominous happy morons. She is trussed up and carried outside Snik’s quarters. Snik returns just as they are leaving and demands that Zev be returned ‘I need pattern’, he says.

The ominous happy morons close and lock Snik’s door. He is very distressed by this. The ominous happy morons look through a door opening, as if waiting for something. Suddenly, a big screaming worm pops out of Snik’s neck (good grief, this programme is weird) and starts flailing around looking for pattern. Snik is even more upset by this, he has a very worried look on his face and who can blame him? To be honest, I can’t help but sympathise, I’d probably feel just as bad if I had a big screaming worm coming out of my neck. The worm, eventually decides to go return to Snik’s neck and seemingly, because it can’t find pattern, it feasts on his eyeballs and then his brain…..how sick can you get? Wait, there’s more….

The two ominous morons re-enter as the worm, having sucked out poor old Snik’s brains, leaves his body, and slithers off. The taller of the happy morons chops off the head of Snik’s dead body. Zev, still tied, looks on in horror.

Meanwhile out in the wider rubbish dump, Kai wonders around looking for his colleagues. He comes across one of the worm creatures and picks it up, examining it closely. It hisses at him but does not attempt to enter his body. Kai makes the comment that the worm is not interested in him because he is dead (but of course we all know it’s because he’s dead ugly!). He discards the worm and it slithers away.

Eventually, Kai comes across a small habitat and enters to find an old recording machine. He attempts to make it work to find a short recording made by Wist, presumably before she became a sexy moron. Wist explains that the planet has a predator is a queen which uses satellite worms to infect and enslave people by attaching to their brains. Wist had encountered the queen but for some reason it hadn’t killed her. More and more of her crewmembers were becoming infected and the situation was becoming desperate. The sexy moron, Wist entered the room behind Kai as he listened to the recording. The recording of Wist continued by saying that she would attempt to confront the queen again and kill it. Then Kai notices sexy moron Wist who has changed costume from the sexy black cat suit, to a rather plain grey dress. He remarks that she must have found the queen.

Wist retorts “This used to be a plentiful planet, do you like me?“.

Kai replies with “The dead do not have likes or dislikes” (poor sod).

Wist then tries to kiss and infect Kai, but of course, no sane worm would be seen dead in Kai’s body!

Then there is a great scene when Kai decides that a live Wist will serve no useful purpose and drives his sword through her stomach. Wist recoils in surprise and we see lots and lots of screaming worms wriggle their way out of her tummy and drop to the ground. At this point another Wist appears, this time dressed in the sexy cat suit (I like this one better), but unfortunately she rather stupidly asks, ‘Do you like me?’ Kai kills her. A bit harsh that don’t you think? She may use the same chat-up line a lot, but surely it doesn’t warrant that sort of response. I’d be in real trouble with the opposite sex on that planet!

Nearby, in the room where they make pattern, the two ominous morons are attempting to make pattern out of the decapitated remains of Snik, the wholesome Zev and the rather metallic 790. 790 is thrown in the glopeta-glopeta machine rather surreptitiously for good measure and lands right between Zevs legs (some robot heads have all the luck, a point which was not lost on 790). The two morons don’t know how to make the glopeta-glopeta machine work and Zev has time to disable it by jamming 790 up against one of the moving parts.

King Bog arrives and examines the faulty machine. He looks at the two ominous morons ominously and concludes in despair, “the first perfectly fresh body we had since for ever and you, without my permission, decide to mix it with Snik? – Get her out”. Quite right too! That very same thing happened to me only last week. My girlfriend passed me a drink of single malt whiskey mixed with water – can you imagine that? The first decent whiskey I’d had in ages … diluted!

Zev is released and tried to make a pass at Bog saying “my body is perfect, it was altered by a machine into the ultimate female form” (it certainly is).

He plays along and Zev continues, “If you untie me, I will do anything you want (kiss), I was designed for love (kiss – this time with her tongue), I can take you anywhere..” (don’t bother with im, I’m over ere luv take me… take me…)

Bog replies, “Can you take me home?”

What! Would you have said that? I think she meant something along the lines of ‘to the highest realms of ecstasy’ or ‘to pleasures you’ve never dreamed of’. The trouble with Zev’s approach here is that Bog is not looking at rolling around making grunting, groaning and squelching noises whith her, he looks at Zev and sees a refreshing glass of light green fluid.

Then yet another Wist enters the scene and, putting a hand on Bogs shoulders, informs him that he is already home. Bog tells some happy morons to ‘hook her up’ (meaning Zev) and Stan follows giggling.

There is a knock at the door and Bog and another moron open a door ‘flap’ to find Kai waiting to be let in. Bog looks at the other and says, “When it rains, it pours”, then he casually releases a catch which remotely chops Kai’s head off. Poor guy, first he’s buried alive (dead) and now some geezer chops his head off! I reccon Kai is having a bad hair day.

Bog retrieves Kai’s head and places it with the Divine Predecessors captured earlier from LEXX. He then takes some of them and makes what can only be described as the hoopiest brew of pattern they’ve had in aaagggeees. The Divine Predecessors make the best pattern apparently. Each of the morons indulge themselves and get high.

Bog picks up Kai’s head and suggests that they make more pattern by brewing Kai and Zev together. He instructs one of his stoned morons to get Kai’s body. He looks at Kai’s decapitated head and smiles. Kai, rather surprisingly, opens his eyes and says, “Excellent idea, but then again, you could always chop the left over brains (Divine Predecessors), simmer, add seepage…”

“Excuse me“, says Bog looking a little disgusted (?)

Kai continues, “and then, add the female. Introduce me in slices, once they have formed a roule…”

Bog drops Kai’s head on the floor (I’m really starting to feel sorry for this bloke) and asks Wist if he can go to the Hole (wadda line!).

Wist gives her permission and all the morons follow chanting Hole, Hole, Hole….. You have to admire the writers of this episode don’t you? I don’t know what they were on when they wrote it, but I wish I had some!

Wist meanwhile picks up Kai’s head to examine it while Kai’s body erects itself and, using his handy wrist gadget, shoots its hook into his head and grabs it back (ouch!). He puts his head back on and confronts her. Wist, sensing that Kai does not feel any particular affinity for her says, “...would you deny me a future?”

Kai looks at her stretching his arm with the wrist gadget and replies, “Oh yes“.

Wist retorts, “you are not relevant” and runs off. A bit cheeky that don’t you think. We’re all waiting for a final showdown and all she thinks of Kai is that he isn’t relevant!

Kai is obviously less concerned about this than I am and simply shoots his wrist gadget, lopping off her head with a direct hit to the back of her fleeing neck. Her head roles elegantly down the hallway and into a large gaping hole surrounded by the morons.

They are all standing around the opening, which has a swirling green substance at he bottom. Stanley shouts after Wist’s head, “byyyeeee Whiiiiissssttt” while Kai releases Zev. They join the chanting morons at the Hole to find them laying on their backs waiting for their worms to release pattern into the Hole. Stanley, Kai and Zev look on fascinated by the writhing, moaning morons with their worms protruding from their necks spewing the light green pattern liquid into a large gaping Hole (I can’t believe I’m writing this!).

After the ‘draining’ is complete, the morons lay around satisfied until that is, they start dying. Bog looks at Kai and asks, “is it over?” Kai replies “Yes, I think you have entered the final stage, your worm will eat your brain“.

Bog can feel ’the worm turning’, and promptly dies after saying goodbye to Stanley. Then the worms start to leave the morons, dropping into the Hole. Kai instructs Zev to take Stanley back to LEXX while he kills the queen. He jumps into the Hole as Stanley shouts after him “Byyyeeee Kaaaaaiiii“. Zev collects the uncooked Divine Predecessors and retrieves 790 before escorting a reluctant Stanley back to the LEXX.

Kai confronts a bubbling mass at the bottom of the Hole. He watches as the mass turns into a huge Zev. He shoots his wrist gadget into Big Zev and she sinks back into the bubbling mass. Then a Big Wist surfaces from the mass and walks off seemingly not noticing Kai at all.

On the ship, Stanley attempts to leave Klaagya without Kai and when Zev protests he gives her a vicious kick in the face! Wow, this is the new Stanley, worm infested or not, I can’t help but feel that Zev was impressed. Stanley mitigates his action by muttering “There are so many delicious planets out there waiting ……”

Big Wist sees LEXX taking off and hooks herself onto it. Kai follows using his handy wrist gadget. once Big Wist has a firm grip she extends her fingers into tentacles around the front of LEXX and opens her mouth to bite into LEXX. Then she extends her tongue into the bulkhead and LEXX, understandably exclaims “OUCH!”

LEXX goes into orbit and blows up Klaagya. The pieces of exploding planet fly out and one very large piece flies close enough to LEXX to knock the head off Big Wist, and Big Wist is no more. “Ah that feels much better,” says a relieved LEXX.

The final scene is one of those mildly comic scenes usually seen at the end of a TV show. Stanley, orders a really sickly concoction of sweet food from LEXX and gets deluged. “Can I have chocolate with that too?“.

And so ends episode three of the Dark Zone Stories. One of the wackiest and most innovative. Although there were no shower scenes I’d have to rate this a goodly 36,926 out of 10. Wadda you think?

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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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