LEXX: S03E08: The Key
This episode was GREAT! It will be remembered for a classic line that will burn itself into the memories of all Cult TV Sci Fi SadGeezers until the end of time itself. It will be remembered in the same way as the famous “Get the hell out of our Galaxy” (Sheridan speaking to the Shadows and Vorlons in the episode, ‘Into the Fire’ from Babylon Five). Or the word “Smeghead” from almost all the Red Dwarf episodes (It’s usage is now so important to the English Language that it was entered into the Oxford English Dictionary).
When I actually heard the line I was sat watching the show with other LEXXians in a mild state of disbelief, I wonder if it will have the same effect on you that it had on us?
On board the LEXX, Xev enters into an argument with Stanley about who should be the Captain of the LEXX. 790 was not too helpful, he insisted that Kai was the Captain, the Captain of his/it’s heart. Stanley goads the robot head with a tease about Bunny and her infatuation with Kai, the poor gay robot head is driven almost to distraction by this.
Eventually they discuss the dilemma that they are in. The LEXX is stuck in orbit around the planets of Fire and Water. It is not able to move unless it is fed with HUGE amounts of organic matter. Worse still, 790 points out that the LEXX will soon crash into one of the planets. It’s orbit is decaying (the big bug passes through the thin atmospheres or Fire and Water and the slight friction that this causes is enough to slow it’s orbit before gravity pulls the ship to the surface). The process will take 191 hours!
Stanley is clearly surprised and upset by this decides to go to the toilet (?!? As you do). He is joined there by Kai (?!? As you don’t) and they discus their fate during faint bursts as Stanley’s strain’s himself. (This was a very unsettling scene! I mean, how many times do you see in a favourite Sci Fi show, the two lead male characters in a toilet chatting while one of them is sat straining on a freaky crapper? – can you imagine Jean Luc Picard and Data in the same situation?)
Stanley completes the erm…. Exercise and the freaky crapper’s tongue cleans up (euwww!) Then Stan has the great idea that the LEXX should blow up the Fire and Water planets and gobble up the remains for dinner. There would be enough organic material for the LEXX to be replenished and then they could be off on their merry way. Kai quite rightly points out that there are ‘people’ on the planets. But Stanley retorts that the ‘people’ are like no other people he has ever seen! “Fire is just a terrible place,” says Stanley, “and Water, well it’s just weird….. And you know what else is weird,” he adds glancing at the freaky crapper, “I’m actually beginning to enjoy poo’ing in these toilets. Do you think that’s strange?”
What! WHAT! I’ll tell you what’s strange buddy, telling yer colleges that you like a big tongue massaging yer bum is strange! I half expected Kai to tell him to use toilet paper instead, but instead, we were treated to a classic.
Kai looks sideways at Stanley and says dismissively, “I do not know, the dead do not poo.”
Wadda cracker! ‘The dead do not poo’ was a severe shock to all those of use who held the integrity of the LEXX shows close to our hearts. Morrow A lady LEXXian from London actually telephoned us during the episode in tears of laughter, just to make sure that we had experienced it for ourselves (the scene not the …… erm… you know). Never again could I look at Kai and see a dead geezer with no willy, now when I look at the poor dude I see a constipated dead geezer with no willy!
Stanley returns to the LEXX bridge and sees Xev standing on the Captains platform. She moves away. Stan commands the LEXX to blow up the Fire planet when it is next pointed at it. Xev (unemotionally) points out the morality of such an act and suspects that there would be severe consequences for the planet Water (since the two planets are so close).
Later, Xev catches up with Kai while he is topping up his store of protoblood in the cryo-chamber. She asks about if Kai thinks it fair that Stanley is the master of the LEXX to which Kai replies, “No.” She then asks him if he knows “about the ‘key’, about how it works?” Most of us would notice that Xev is behaving a little strangely at this point, she seems distracted and distant. Come to think of it, she’s not been particularly warm since the end of the Tunnels episode. She is most certainly unimpressed with the current Captain’s handling of their situation, but it’s more than that, her subtle mannerisms are cold and in some way, calculating.
Kai replies, “The last Divine Shadow (whom I killed), was meant to possess the key and command the LEXX. As I have his memories, I have a general understanding of how it works. The key is a living thing. It is inside Stanley and it can be transferred by him to someone else…. At the point of his death.” He pauses thoughtfully for a moment, “Or other times.”
“What other times,” asks Xev with a sudden keen interest. Kai goes on to explain that he does not know, but the robot head does have some limited diagnostic capability.
Xev is approached by a very frustrated and jealous Robot Head. It suggests unsubtly that Xev would look much better if she shaved her head and put on more weight. 790 is worried that Xev’s attractiveness will turn Kai’s head. Xev looks at this silly situation as an opportunity to get the robot head to help her in her quest for the ‘key’. Eventually 790 agrees on the condition that she ‘backs off from Kai’.
Next Xev goes to Stanley’s bedchamber and she asks him directly if he would let her have a turn as Captain of the LEXX. Stan agrees provided a method of transferring the key could be found without killing him. They solicit the assistance of 790 to determine if such a method can be found.
Later, 790, Xev and Kai join Stanley in the cryo-room where he is attached to some diagnostic equipment. The usual banter between the robot head and Stanley occurs. This time it is about Stanley’s insistence that 790 is a MALE robot head and not a female one. 790 is hurt to the point of crying pitifully. She/he/it asks Kai to comfort her/him/it with a kiss. Kai glances at the others before obliging with a dainty peck on the top of 790’s head (more than he did for Xev!)
Kai points out that he remembered the feeling of orgasm when he was alive and also the feeling at the point of death. He tells Stanley that the two feelings were similar (except that with death the feeling was far greater). Xev asks 790 to analyse Stan’s erotic response area of his brain in the hope of finding the Key (or at least how it can be transferred). Stanley gets tired of all this talk about the key and decides to end the examination and return to his bed.
Kai and 790 join Xev on the Bridge (she is sat with her legs crossed like a geezer). She asks if the key is located in the erotic response area of Stanley’s brain. 790 believes that it is. The robot head also confesses that it has a deal with Xev to help her get the key. Kai asks if this is true and after thinking for a moment, tells them that if Stanley could become excited to a VERY high level of sexual ecstasy, the key could probably be transferred.
Xev goes back to Stanley’s bedchamber and proposes that he and she get together for a night of passion beyond Stanley’s wildest dreams. He agrees without any reluctance whatsoever. Stanley asks, “And I just have to give you the key. Is that the deal?”
“Oh no,” Replies Xev, “this isn’t about the key anymore. I just want to surrender my body to you.” Xev is lying. Yep she is lying her pretty little panties off! This is very disturbing, she’s never had to resort to deception before, she has many powers of persuasion, the most obvious are things like honestly and compassion and stuff. If she didn’t like the moral dilemma of blowing up the Fire Planet, she would simply have argued the point with Stanley initial she won him over – she always did!).
As if to emphasis the point, she takes Stanley’s hand and places it firmly on her left breast (lucky sod!), “I want my needs filled, I don’t really care what happens after that.” She leaves to go and prepare.
Moments later, she is joined in her bedchamber by Kai. “Xev,” he says, “I was thinking about you… I was thinking about you in a different way.” Then he takes hold of her and gives her a whopping snog! I mean this wasn’t a friendly peck on the cheeks. Look! They used tongues and everything!!
When the kiss is over the two look at each other, Xev seems a little confused (your telling me!) and Kai’s stare is intense. I couldn’t really determine what exactly these looks were about, but I guess that Xev was torn between pleasuring Stanley and manipulating Kai’s rods! Xev changes into something more comfortable and then goes to the cryo-chamber to help Stanley back into all the ‘equipment’. There seem to be sensors on his chest and one peculiarly shaped censor between his legs!!! Then to make the whole thing even more perverted, 790 joins them! Apparently 790 will help out with little electric stimulation in all those sensitive little areas. And I guess they are little! Stanley’s groinal attachment seems a little small and erm… narrow (it’s gonna get awfully tight in there when Xev gets to work!) And as if to demonstrate, Xev grabs hold of his groinal attachment and wiggles it a little. A couple of red lights flash and Stanley gives out a mild whimper (as you do). Then Xev really goes to work.
Xev does some dancing and shedding some small silk items of clothing, then she runs off!! I’ve no idea why – Stanley was more than a little disappointed. She is met in an adjacent room by Kai who uncharacteristically grabs hold of Xev’s left breast (Kai looked mildly embarrassed though I have to say, if I’d have been in that situation, I’d have felt a right tit too).
AND THEN! The dead, constipated geezer with no willy looks her in the eye and says, “I want you!” (He wants her, HE WANTS HER! Who is he trying to kid – this geezer has a 10″ rod the thickness of a matchstick, For Xev to want Kai she must first consider becoming a pin-cushion!).
Xev calmly points out that it was her understanding that the dead didn’t ‘want’, but Kai simply re-iterates his desire. Xev tells him that she should finish with Stanley first and then she will catch up with Kai. Then she kisses his cheek gently. Kai doesn’t argue.
Xev returns to the cryo-chamber and gives Stanley a bonk to end all bonks (we are not allowed to watch the squelchy bits, but it all started with lots of groinal attachment manipulation interspersed with lots of dirty talk…. At least I think it was dirty talk….. Xev says stuff like, “I want your key in my keyhole” and “give it too me” and “I want it to go all the way“
Stanley succumbs and presumably at the point of sexual ecstasy, passes on the key to Xev. once this is completed, you might imagine that Xev would have withdrawn and tell Stanley she got what she wanted. But after Stanley pointed out that they made a deal, she decides to continue. We weren’t allowed to watch.
Later the four of them are on the Bridge. Xev commands the LEXX not to blow up the Fire planet. Stanley wants his key back, he also doesn’t like his commands being overruled. Xev tells him that she will return they key, but not until she has finished with it. Kai looks on suspiciously.
A dejected Stanley is joined in the cryo-chamber by Kai and 790. Kai asks Stanley about his experiences with Xev. He is interested in the details. (Is it me, or has this show turned itself on its head. First Xev bonks Stan’s brains out, but not before a seemingly jealous Kai tells Xev he wants her. And then to top it all, Kai asks Stanley to kiss and tell!)
On the bridge Stanley asks Xev for the key back. Unfortunately she can only release it (alive) provided that she is taken over the edge of sexual ecstasy. She confesses that this didn’t happen in ‘round one’ and so it would be unlikely to happen in ’round two’.
Xev eventually agrees to give the key back to Stanley by bringing herself over the edge of sexual ecstasy. Then she orders the LEXX to blow up the Water planet when it is in range. Then she goes off with Stanley for round two. They run into Kai and he kisses her passionately. “Hey, she’s with me.” Says a disgruntled Stanley.
She tells Kai that she is about to return the key to Stanley, but Kai is already onto her, he tells her that, like him, she has experienced the correct level of ecstasy many times before. Xev looks into his eyes and says, “Yes.”
“Then I will bring you there again” He replies as he shoots her !!!!
Stanley exclaims, “You have killed Xev!”
“Hold up your hand Stanley,” Says Kai, “Hold up your hand.” He does so and the key is transferred back to its rightful owner. Then we see Xev’s body melt away into nothingness. (?!?)
Kai doesn’t explain but asks Stan to re-issue a command not to destroy the Water planet. This he does, then Kai explains that he didn’t kill Xev, he killed Prince! Stanley is shocked, and as this shocking truth sinks in, he realises the full gravity of the situation. Stanley sighs a sort of sickening sigh.
As they head back to the planet Fire to rescue Xev, Stanley asks, “So does that mean I had the ultimate in sexual satisfaction with a man or a woman?”
“I think you are best placed to ask that question yourself Stan.” Replies Kai.
Stanley gestures that it was such good sex it MUST have been with a woman. And the show ended there. And wadda show!
This had more than the usual bizarre and weird dialogue,
I’d have to rate it a massive 41,701 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission
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