LEXX: S02E15: Woz

This episode examined the use of (and the morals of using) a machine to make someone beautiful. Although the story was a little ‘tongue in cheek’, it was still a lot of fun! (It’ was also nice to see Lisa Hynes back as the original un-modified Zev)

Xev and Stanley are in the galley eating some of the LEXX’s nutritious (if unappetising) green goo, when 790 drops a bombshell! Xev is about to die! In 79 hours, Xev will pop her clogs and shuffle up this mortal coil ! The reason being, that her body, when changed by the Lusticon Machine into a love slave, was reprogrammed with a sort of ‘shelf life’.They need to visit Woz 790 thought that Xev was aware of her expiry date and tells her that he could prolong her life if only he had the use of a ‘Lusticon’ machine.

Her only chance is to travel to the planet Woz. Woz was a distant outpost of the Divine Order, a supply depot with a high turnover of Divine Officials. The Divine Order sent an old Lusticon machine (the prototype in fact) to Woz, in the hope that it’s ability to produce love slaves would encourage the officials to stay around. (Alas, my own employer is short sighted in this respect!).

Kai confirmed that there was enough time for the LEXX to get there.

The LEXX crew arrive on Woz in a Transport Moth. Actually they arrive by landing the Moth on top of an unfortunate Wozian. Kai gazes upon the squashed and mangled remains of the poor woman and announces, “She appears to be dead.

They enter a doorway where they are greeted by a message saying, “Welcome brightness seekers.”  {The voice sounds extraordinarily like the last His Shadow – But in the interests of the story, you should ignore this}. They are greeted by a number of delightful young women who seemed pleased to find that Xev was a Love Slave. They go and see the Wozard (the wonderful Wozard of Woz), the leader of their order.

The smarmy WozardThe Wozard has managed to fabricate his own version of a Lusticon Machine and will use it to extend Xev’s life expectancy provided Stanley and Kai become a Brothers of his Order and agree to undertake the task that the unfortunate squashed lady was about to perform. All they need to do is destroy a person called the Dark Lady. Apparently this vile creature turns bright young women into very beautiful bright young women, but the Wozard believes that the life expectancy of each transformed woman is only five days.

Kai insists that the Xev be ‘fixed’. But the Wozard tells them that the only way Xev can be helped is if Kai or Stanley (or both) destroy his enemy. He tells how, when the Divine Order collapsed, the Dark Lady took control of the Lusticon Machine. “She used it to transform the beautiful natural bodies of women into cliché’d male driven images of desirability.” (Sounds ok so for?) He continues, “But the Dark Lady does not tell them that what she really does is transform the bodies into these ridiculous aberrations so that she can sell The chosen assassinsthem into the sex slave market. She does not tell these pitiful girls that she gives them expiry dates for just seven days later, so that her incomplete market of male monsters are always hungry for more.” The Wozard then goes on to tell how his love was transformed into a Love Slave by the Dark Lady. We can assume that he is a very bitter bloke!

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This Dark Lady seems like a real cow! I mean, seven days, what if yer a bit of a slow worker! What if like me, you prefer to get to know your newly purchased love slave a first, you know, the flowers and dinner stuff? …… maybe a movie or a walk on the beach, that sort of thing? – you’d just be getting to the heavy petting stage when Wallop! The show’s over! Having said that (and I’m not condoning such a concept you understand), you would hardly give an unlimited life expectancy to a love slave now would you? Good grief, imagine a 70 year old grey haired geriatric bounding about trying to get her nose into a blokes ‘Y’ fronts every five minutes!

Kai and Stanley debate the problem. Kai agrees that if Stanley and Xev ask him to kill the Dark Lady, he will do so. Xev can’t ask that someone else die to save her life, and Stanley is also reluctant to authorise such an action. 790 on the other hand tries help by venturing, “Tweedle you human skid mark, tell Kai to do it at once!” {31kb wav file} Stanley reluctantly agrees.

Stan and Kai set off to the Dark Lady’s lair while the Wozard turns Xev into her original, not Zev the beautiful but Zev the 400-pound ugly lady! Xev/Zev is mortified! She was unhappy as a big ugly woman. To make things worse, the Wozard, a distinctly un-wonderful and twisted geezer can’t actually re-adjust her body clock. Xev/Zev only has two hours left! He thoughtfully puts on some propaganda to enlighten Xev becomes ZevZev/Xev in the wonders of being natural. He then goes off to fit himself with a glittering array of radioactive isotopes, which would turn him into a mini-atom bomb! As you have guessed. This geezer is completely bonkers! It turns out that his Lusticon is, in actual fact and Uglycon, it seems to have the ability for turning the beautiful examples of ‘cliché’d male driven images of desirability’ back into natural plain Jane’s.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to feel very nervous about all this, the Dark Lady seems to be a vicious thug bent on turning ordinary women into the epitome of male desire (for those that want it!). Unfortunately the price is 7 days life expectancy and sale into the slave market. on the other hand, the goodie in all this is a manipulative, scheming dude with a religious fanatical intention to destroy the Dark Lady and all she stands for, solely based on his grief at the loss of his girlfriend.

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Kai and Stanley manage to breach the perimeter walls and the Wozard and his assistants follow secretly behind. In one of the corridors of the Dark Lady’s castle, Kai and Stan come up against two armed visions of loveliness dressed in very fetching short yellow dresses and sporting the obligatory blonde hair. They shoot at Kai (which of course has no effect) who quickly manages to disarm them. Stan hurries up behind to take control of the firearms and guard the two Love Slaves while Kai goes off to shoot up the Dark Lady.

Male and female fruitsZev/Xev meanwhile is still strapped to the Uglycon and is being fed a wonderful piece of anti-male propaganda. The little screen depicts the parts of a male and female anatomy as items of food. Us blokes have a walnut for a brain (how quaint!) and … and… well look at the picture, it’s too rude to be described here. The video goes on to explain how the diabolical sexual designs of males have oppressed the brightness of females (nothing changes huh?). What it failed to mention of course, was that us blokes are nice oppressors, we do it with flair and a sense of fun and we even open doors and things!

The love slaves give Stan a hard time!Stanley is nervously guarding the two lovely Love Slaves when they begin to intimidate him. This great scene saw the girls take up provocative poses while Stanley was becoming very nervous. The tall Love Slave looks at him longingly and slowly, tentatively opens her legs. Stanley tells her to stop (as you do!). Then she delicately moves a hand over her shapely figure, gently caressing her skin. The hand moves above her abdomen where she tentatively, longingly strokes her breast. Stan tells her to stop (!! – Wadda wimp!) She does so, and her hand remains clasped on her breast. She smiles sweetly and looks encouragingly at Stanley.

Then the other Love Slave coughs slightly. She gives Stanley the ‘look at my lips baby, imagine what I could do with these’ treatment. She uses her fingers to sensually trace the outline of her mouth, glancing at him longingly. Then while Stanley is transfixed, she places a finger in her mouth delicately licking the tip before both fingers enter. Stanley tells them to stop again, this time he adds that he is a dangerous assassin and that he has killed a lot of people.

The luscious, lascivious, Love Slaves stand up and saunter to the opposite ends of the room. one of them turns and provocatively The slave girl gives stan a flash!flashes her yellow knickers at him. At this point, we all realised that Stanley was in GRAVE danger. They start to move towards him but in a last attempt to exert his masculine authority he excitedly shouts for them to stop! They stop and he breathes a short-lived sigh of relief. Then the girls giggle as two of their comrades enter from behind and disarm the helpless Stan. The four lovely love slaves point their weapons at Stanley (lucky guy!) who tries to talk his way out of being shot. In the end they ask him to strip! Clearly these are desperate women!

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'a sick need for penetration'Suddenly two of the Wozards assistants enter and tell the love slaves to drop their weapons (that would be very difficult, I think they were wearing bras). one of them tells the love slaves that their body clocks have been set to seven days and “you’re just fodder for these incomplete man-monsters!” {45kb wav file} (Hey, I’m not incomplete!) The Love Slaves mention that they have been around for months. The Wozard assistants don’t’ believe them, “the sick male need for penetration turns your brain to mush!” {32kb wav file} and before Stanley can calm things down, a firefight begins and ALL the girls are shot – WADDA WASTE! A distraught Stanley rushes off to find the protection of Kai.

 Don't hurt me I'm nice!Kai meanwhile has confronted the Dark Lady. She wears a mask to hide her face, believing herself to be ugly. The Lusticon machine was unable to fix her deformity. They re discussing the reasons for her death when the Wozard enters the room. The Dark Lady and the Wozard argue.

Do I exploit the biological weaknesses of young women,” Says the Wozard, “twisting hearts with the cruel scalpel of male driven fantasies?”

These girls come to me, I give them beauty, self esteem.” Replies the Dark Lady.

Wozard and his Brightness SuitAnd a seven day expiry date!” Interrupts the Wozard.

What are you talking about?” Answers the Dark Lady. Clearly the Wozard is mistaken. His perception of the Dark Lady became twisted when the ‘love of his life’ came to the Dark Lady. She was beautiful on the inside it seems, but when the Dark Lady made her more beautiful on the ‘outside’ his love for her was rejected.

And now you pray on the psyche’s of insecure women to take your revenge out on me?” She argues.

Xev returnsKai takes the Lusticon console and rushes out, leaving the Dark Lady and the Wozard arguing. He manages to escape just before the Wozard explodes his home made atom-bomb costume. He takes the console back to the Uglycon and 790 transforms Zev/Xev back into Xev. 790 tells her that she can now expect to live for another 79 years.

The show ends as Woz is dismantled by Mantrid and his handy armdroids as the LEXX zooms away.

I rate this episode a cool 22,747 out of 10. What did you think?

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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.

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