LEXX: Crazy Captions Competition – Season 2 (2000)
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SEASON TWO (2000)
The winning entries are:
They received one of 2 autographed scripts of the winner’s choosing, and a key from Luvliner (remember the penis-shaped key?).
The eight other finalists (that Paul wanted to give a special mention to) are:
|“That was one bad curry”
“Every time I order a lemonade, I always swallow the lemon slice, every time!”
“I hate it when mummy gives me cod liver oil!”
“Mmm…I sure do miss a good dump.”
“Lower, lower…Ooo, yeah…Right there!”
|“Mr. Potato-Head always dreamed of destroying the universe”
“Sniff, sniff…damn onions…sniff…”
“Where is your bathroom?”
“Sssh! He’s attempting to channel Lex Gigeroff. ”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your psychic will simply amaze you. Call 1-900-MANTRID-TELLSALL to reveal the future of your love life, financial situations…..Let’s watch now as the master enters a trance to communicate with spirits from the netherworld. ”
“Conan not convinced tantric sex good.”
“I’m not pouting! ”
|“All right, who cut the cheese?”
“Come on, who’s next for the MTV wierd face competition? You, yes,you with the pickle-jar… Eiiiiwwww…that’s good!”
“Klingon Gack? Hmmm…*munch munch* AcKK!!!!”
…only the dead do not poo.”
“Naaah… How do they knot these cherry petioles?!?”
|“Theres some on me and here and over there, geez this is gonna take forever to clean ”
“I haven’t seen a mess this big since the exorcist!”
|“And that was the last time Xev went drinking with Sally.”
“Hey! My Nausea’s gone!”
“I don’t mind cleaning up after Kai, but this is to much! Find yourselves another maid, I QUIT!!!!!!!”
“I told you that baby doesn’t like creamed corn! ”
“Did you want a cherry with that? ”
|“It’s my special recipe – Zev a la ewwww!”
“You realize that I’m never gonna be able to show my face here again.”
|“Excuse me human, where can i get a pair of those slippers ”
“Are you sure you’re love slave 332?”
|Zev:”What are you looking at?!! I’m very hormonal right now!”
“Suddenly, Stan got a trouser-snake inferiority complex.”
“What do we do if the bait eats the catch?”
“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
“Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise it’ll only sting a little. ”
“Aha Stanley, my head is bigger than yours. ”
“and today’s show was bought to you by the letter S”
|Too late, Ahmed realized snake charming wasn’t the career for him.
“Sorry. Is this the Men in Black set? ”
“Stan? Tell me the truth. Does this outfit make me look fat?”
“S is for Stanley! Stanley’s what I like to eat! Bite his little head off, nibble on his smelly feet!”
“Don’t worry. I’m a doctor.” (with insincere apologies to Doc Rainbow)
Stanley: “Oh my is THIS a worm?!?! I promise I will never drink so much at fishing again!”
The hypnosis. (personages: snake, rabbit and stone)
|“What kind of a question is ‘am i into new things’ anyway? ”
“Yes alright, just get the hell off of my hand first”
“Now, when we’re talking about little wet furry animals, we *are* talking beavers, right? Right?”
|“Have you seen my cat Fluffy? She was here a minute ago.”
“Yes, wet and wild and,…is that a fork in your hand?”
“…but will you respect me in the morning?”
“You are a man right? ”
|“..Ughn…jesus what DID you have for lunch?…Two words…Breath Mints BREATH MINTS!”
“Cloned from the DNA of Winona Ryder, she was doomed to obscurity in a series of lesbian porn flicks.”
“I’ve got Vanilla Swiss Almond Ice-cream in the freezer…Let’s experiment!”
“Sadly,this episode of “the Howard Stern Show” was never aired;for obvious reasons.
|“Yes 790, your right nostril is very nice. Now, can I go? ”
“Go ahead punk, make my day!”
Ok Ok, you win the staring contest.”
“Listen, Tweedle, these dance lessons had better pay off!”
“Did you have garlic for dinner?”
“Dang! How long was THAT up my nose!”
|“I’m evil Tweedle, your good Tweedle. You’re a goodie goodie twoshoes. GOODIE GOODIE TWOSHOES!” (apologies to Army of Darkness)
“NOOGIES!….C’mon…Say uncle Stan! Say UNCLE! ”
“I’m tellin’ ya, Stan, there’s something in your eye.”
“What’s that, a zit?! Can I pop it, huh, Stan? Puleeezzz?”
|“You have the most beautiful eyes.”
“No tongues! NO TONGUES!”
“Well, Tweedle, I hope your happy. I told you Superglue sticks to anything. ”
“Good news, Tweedle. It looks malignant.”
|“Note to self, turn electricity off first, must remember to turn electricity off first!!! ”
“These newfangled sex therapies! I shoulda stuck with viagra!”
“Ah, now I remember why I failed as an electrician.”
|HIS DIVINE SHADOW’S HOME GYM: No pain…you die!
His mummy always told him not to chew aluminium foil
“…. hell Doris turn it of, turn it off.”
“Teacher,I don’t think I connected the right wires!”
“I sing the body electricZZZT!”
“Don’t worry, Marty! I’m sending you Back… to the Future!”
|“Wow….me love pretty blue lights. ”
“How long until the Wierd Science logo goes up? ”
“AHHHH!!..Head, please dont explode…this is my favorite shirt!!..ahhhhh!! ”
“Oh damn! Now my cable TV’s out for good!”
(Shouting) “Now this – This is BETTER than sex!”
Now showing: “Electric Dreams” starring the incomparable Gubby Marx
(with ….hm… is his name spells as Gaby?) Dr.Frankenstein first experience.
|“….and behind that door is the rest of our girl scout troop ”
“We’re a little tea pot.”
“Let me get this straight. I can stay but only if I wear a bikini? Can I keep my hat?”
Brian wondered why he’d never attended a LexxCon before.
|“What, and all i have to do is wistle if i want anything?”
“Stanley decides to join the “Bond Girls.”
“OH MY GOD, Baywatch has invaded the Dark Zone, ACCCKKKKK!”
Stanley wanted a woman in the worst way. But, never in his wildest wetdreams did he think he’d score siamese bimboids.
“Tell us Stanley, does this make us look fat? ”
|“Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Moe…”
“I need a towel ”
“After they lure their victims into their lair.. they kill and used EVERY part of the Tweedle…yes even the hat… ”
“What do you mean, ‘Do you have protection?'”
“We just got hitched! Ain’t we a pair?!”
|” Just try and prove it, drooling in my sleep indeed.”
“hic…. I jus’ have a lil drinkin’ problem…hic”
“…and then he said, ‘Stanley, you’re so full of sh**, I’m surprised it’s not coming out of your ears.’ And I said…”
|“Yeah, well, at least I don’t pout.”
“The tooth’s gone, but the pain is still there…”
“Your a great kisser Xev, but what was that funny taste?”
“Yeh, I ate it. What’s it to ya?”
“I just love grape flavored popsicles. ”
Stanley couldn’t understand what was wrong… chicks ALWAYS dug his Clint Eastwood impressions.
|“Adrianne!” (Apologies to Rocky)
“…..T-that wasnt Kool-Aid…was it?….. Xev?”
“It was this small black thing that said “US government” on it, and the memory banks said it was a “pen”. You’re saying that eating it was a mistake?”
“Ink in my tea again?! I’m taking away that copy of “The Patriot”…No more Mel Gibson for you, girl!”
“I thought you said Marmite was edible!”
|“New foods available today on the cluster ”
After extensive research, Stanley is informed that his medical sample contained ‘abnormalities’
Girl shaped veg” I love you but my parents will never approve..sob..”
|FAILED DARK ZONE ANTI-DRUG CAMPAIGN: This is your libido on drugs. Any questions?
…and that was the last time they ever let 790 play with the Love Slave Transformation Machine.
“Zog’s irregular fruit stand, 24 miles.”
“I payed 18 bucks for THIS????”
Stanley, love-starved for too long, begins to hallucinate over dinner.
“Xev uses a new approach to get Stanley to eat more fruit. ”
“Hey baby… nice Stamen!”
|Little Suzy was never allowed in the 4H club again.
“….Yes Stan these are VERY life-like sculptures…..Now get back to unclogging the Shower head… ”
“This is your mind on vegetables…”
Plates with different pictures on the bottom are usually manufactured for kids to eat untasty porridge faster to see, at last, the pics. But sometimes the bottom of the plate has adult content!
|“Ha ha ha caption competitions are so funny!!”
“Xev, I know you’re bored but don’t mess with my hair when I’m in cryo!.”
“This is what happens when you use those 2 in 1 shampoo conditioners..waahh!”
|Kai soon discovered that Creamed Vanilla Vodka was no substitute for protoblood.
“Yeah? I’m sure you wouldn’t be laughing if your hair was as bad as mine today”
Kai auditions for “Cats!”
“When I find the one that used up my herbal shampoo they are dead meat, man.”
This is your assasin on drugs.
“But,…I just…want… TO PLAY!!!” (This is the one out of so many. But I can’t believe no one submitted “…and, your little dog, too!”)
“I picked a bad time to stop sniffing glue! ”
“Kai’s white contact lenses went down a treat at the Halloween ball ”
“ooWAAOWoo MAN!!!! Who put the ViiAGGrra in my Protoblood? Hey ZZZeeevvv baby. Better watch ouuut cuz HERE..I..COME!!!!!! ”
|“”Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” ”
“TOOMUCHWASABI !!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
“Hello Boils and Ghouls! Cryptkeeper here. ”
“Wooooooooooooooooooo!!…AHHH Ha Ha HA..Check out my eyes guys…I can see my brain! My brain….mwahahah this is soooo cool….Wooo!—uh…guys…m-my eyes are stuck..ow…guys! guys?”
” Kai’s debut as lead singer for KISS is a smashing success.The band will kick of its “Brace the World” tour this summer in support of their release ‘Dead/Live’. ”
“Much to the surprise of Lexx and Farscape fans, Kai revealed himself to be related to Maldis.”
“Oh what a beautiful morrrrrnin’, oh what a beautiful day!”
|“Ok 790 you were right, humans can’t eat nails. ”
It was just as Stan finished the crab supper that the chief realised that not all of them were dead.
“NO MORE SUSHI!!!”
“Stanley, What does the word ‘cooked’ mean?”
|“Captain’s Log: My attempt to come up with a weapon cooler than Kai’s brace has met with a setback. For now, the Mouth Cannon is mothballed.”
“Lexx, secrete me some mouthwash. Now!”
“Stan! one cigar at a time!”
“These green noodles taste funny.”
“Are you sure eating these nails is a good way to get my iron supplement?”
“For a limited time, you too can own a Stanley B. Tweedle Piñata. Give him a good whack and see what comes out. ”
Note to self:
|“I CAN TO stuff all the bean sprouts in my mouth at once…Watch! ”
“The re-animated twiglets made one last attempt for freedom ”
On reflection, Stan had to admit that his bold new strategy to win the Pick-Up Sticks tournament really sucked.
“You know…they’re right when they tell you not to drink the water! ”
“Yes kids this is what could happen to even you without the wonder that is proper dental care… ”
“Dammit, Lexx! I TOLD you that Grape Nuts TASTES like twigs, not that it WAS twigs!!”
“Klingon Gack? Hmmm…*munch munch* AcKK!!!!”
A HUGE thank you to everyone who took part and a Whopping Congratulations to the three winners (I didn’t envy Paul for having to make the choice).
Not for reproduction without the authors express permissionThe LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners.
All rights reserved.