LEXX: S02E09: 791

This episode kicked major bottom! It was GREAT! Sex, violence, good story, humour – it had it all! Better still, the lovely Lyekka was back!

The show opened with the crew of the LEXX sleepily continuing their journey to…. erm… wherever it was they were going. Xev is in bed restlessly dreaming (probably about some big geezer), Kai is tucked away comfortably in his little cryo-chamber, Stanley is dosing at his post on the Bridge where 790 is reciting some of his crappy poetry based on his desire for a body……

If I only had a body,
I’d be more than just a head.
If I only had a body,
I would slap her on the bed.

The LEXX control console shows a distress signal. It is not noticed by the dosing Stanley and is ignored by 790…….

If I only had a body,
I’d get to be Xev’s hunky man.
If I only had a body,
I’d get to pummel Stan

Suddenly Lyekka surfaces from her pod. She greets Stanley warmly. Stan, is pleased to see her. He smiles a greeting as she approaches and mentions, “I was just dreaming of you in that outfit.” (Weren’t we all?) 790 is less impressed. He knows that Lyekka has only surfaced because she needs to eat. “Help yourself to security class four appetizer – and stay away from Xev – Meat Fiend!”

Lyekka had noticed the distress signal, 790 had ignored it because they always lead to trouble. The LEXX heads for the signal origin and Stanley, Xev and Kai join 790 and Lyekka. They are not as happy to see Lyekka as the rest of us.

Xev asks sternly, “So we go to the planet and rescue some crashed people and then you just ….. eat them?”

“I will eat animals, if there are any,” explains Lyekka, “I would never eat Kai, because Kai is dead. You are my friends, so I prefer not to eat you. But if I stay here, I would have to.” (She’s very considerate don’t you think?)

Then Kai adds menacingly, “What if I stop you…. Kill you perhaps?”

Lyekka puts her arm out (?) and touches Kai’s face. Her body seems to move backwards while her arm is still extended (it was a sort of perspective sort of thing) “I’m not so easy to kill. Please, I need to go down to the planet now.” (Her food must be getting cold). She wonders off.

Kai turns to Stanley; “You might consider abandoning Lyekka on this planet.” He says. “But I like her…. when she’s not hungry anyway.” Says Stanley.

Lyekka turns back, “I like you too Stanley.” Then she gives us one of those absolutely lovely naughty-girl smiles (ooohhh, I’m in love!…… again).

Kai continues to argue that Lyekka should be stranded. Xev and Kai decide to accompany Lyekka to the planet surface. She puts on a protective suit and she, Lyekka, Kai and 790 take a moth to the surface. once there, Lyekka runs off by herself and the others explore a stricken ship.

Kai, 790 and Xev manage to get to the control room of the ship (sorry lads, but if I didn’t put a picture of Kai’s bum climbing the ladder in this review, Dr Delilah would kill me!). They notice a cyborg pilot with a human body but missing his robot head. The body is definitely male in that it is muscular and erm… according to 790, bulges in all the right places. Xev also notices that there are a number of hearts being kept alive in little chambers.

They realise that the hearts are human and Kai points out that the life support systems are still functioning. 790 is ecstatic! He is scanning the cyborg body. He seems to concentrate on the body’s genitalia – a point which is noticed by Xev!

790 tries to tell Xev and Kai that he will scan the ships controls while they go and explore. The robot head begins the process of reviving the cyborg body. Meanwhile, Kai and Xev manage to find a room with a number of pods in them? Kai goes to explore and discovers a human being is trapped there. This is no ordinary human being! This is a BABE! A real sweetie! Kai explains that he is the Last of the Brunnen G (He’s really going to have to work on his chat-up lines!). The girl, Desh, tells Kai and Xev that she is a prisoner.

790 is having some success with the cyborg body. He manages to animate it and tries comically to get the head placed on top of the body. Presumably the sockets are standard and he is able to plug himself in! After a good deal of struggling, 790 manages to control the body, but rather clumsily.

Kai tries to release the sweet little Desh from her pod. He puts his hands in to attempt to rescue her but she stops him. At first I thought that this was because Kai had decided to have a good feel! But it turns out that Desh’s heart was taken out and placed in one of the little heart chambers on the ship’s bridge. This was done to stop her from escaping.

Xev leaves to get a heart for Desh, she is concerned that Lyekka will get there first and eat her! Wadda great story that would be – the battle of the sweet and the innocent! She goes to the bridge and sees that 790 is transformed!

Kai meanwhile, explores the other pods. The prisoners contained there are not quite as amenable – basically, they are either snivelling twerps or want to rip Kai’s head of and spit in the whole! Kai is most certainly not motivated to grope them!

When Xev gets to the bridge she sees the new rejuvenated 790. He/it, is only concerned now with satisfying Xev’s insatiable appetite for lust, “It’s our day of destiny Xev, I am whole and wholly yours!” He says. Unfortunately for him, the cyborg’s control unit is partly body centred. This causes 790 to have small, periodic fits and losses of control. He tells Zev that he can override the cyborg controls, he continues with his courtship, “Oh Xev, should I be on top! Do you want me to rub you somewhere first? Oh command me my mistress of passion!” (Not a bad line that – for a robot!) But, Xev backs away a little. She tenderly caresses 790 (or 791 as he calls himself). Her hand moves down and she caresses erm… somewhere else, “You weren’t lying. You really DO have all the equipment!” She says, contentedly.

She then pulls back and tells 791 that she must help Kai and Lyekka, they can continue this later. When 791 objects he does so quite objectionably. His animated mouth and eyes change temporarily and he screams, “Now bitch! NOW!” The normal 790 voice returns but I reckon the moment is lost! ‘Now Bitch, Now’ failed to get Xev all hot and bothered! 790 asks Xev to connect a couple of wires from his body in the hope that it will solve the glitches.

This she does, “Did I get it right?” She asks.

“You got it right my treasure chest. I’m fully on-line to….. eaugheargh . BEND OVER TUBBY! … eaugheargh… eaugheargh..” Then 791’s lights go out and he/it collapses on the floor.

Xev tries to revive him but there is no response – outwardly. 791 is in there somewhere, he is able to see Xev, but not animate himself. Xev takes a couple of the hearts and heads back to the room with the pods. 791 reanimates, this time, his eyes and mouth are evil looking. It seems that the cyborgs personality has taken 790’s – clearly, or at least from the look on his face, this personality is a lot more unsavoury! once Xev has gone, 791 comes to life and, imitating Xev’s voice, persuades Stanley to come to the planets surface. Our intrepid wimp sets off in a moth.

When Xev reaches the prisoner compound, she hands Kai a ‘heart in a jar’. Kai takes it out of the jar and prepares to do a little heart surgery! Now I know Kai’s a pretty cool bloke (for a dead guy), but I never thought of his as a closet heart surgeon! Xev too is a little surprised. It seems that all Kai is about to do is shove the heart in Desh’s chest cavity. This he does, though it looks to me like Kai is just using the heart thing as a good reason to grope the lovely prisoner! If he did, she didn’t mind.

Lyekka finds the other prisoners and eats them! This story is just GREAT! Meanwhile, Stanley arrives on the planet and makes his way to the ship. As he enters he hears Xev’s voice beckoning him towards the bridge (it’s really 791). As he nears the control room, he sees two skeletons. They are partly clothed – actually their trousers are round their ankles and they were heavily restrained. Why would this be do you think? – Stanley soon finds out….. erm…. the hard way!

791 suddenly appears and frightens Stanley half to death! Sure it’s got the head of 790, but 791 looks a whole lot more gruesome. Stanley fearfully does as he is told. First he must dance for the cyborg, “Shake that lily white ass.” It commands.

In the prisoner compound, the stunningly attractive Desh slithers out of her pod all wet and sexy…. erm … …. I mean ….. covered in a horrible mucus, and thanks Kai and Xev for saving her life.

Back in the honeymoon suite, 791 smiles with teeth like gravestones, at poor Stanley, “Ever kissed a cyborg?” It asks. “When I was a man, I had uncontrollable urges, that’s why they made me into a machine. All those urges were supposed to be erased, but when the prisoners reprogrammed me, the old flame came back……. You’re not pretty, But you’re my kind of not pretty.“Says the Cyborg before he steels a kiss from Stanley.

“Urghaahhhugrrgh!” Says Stanley desperately grabbing at wires behind the 791’s head. He manages pull a couple loose and 790 momentarily regains control.

In one of the classic LEXX lines, 790 says, “I’ll never tell if you don’t.”

“Agreed…. Now just let me go.” Pleads Stanley. But 791 has already regained control.

“You’re not going anywhere until I deal with the sizzle in my pizzle.” Says 791. What’s a pizzle? Stanley tries to escape as 790 and 791 battle for control. He manages to run to the air lock.

In the prisoner compound we learn that the beautiful Desh is not the sweet little cherub we first imagined. It turns out that she is a warrior with no feelings that ‘kills to live’ and ‘lives to kill’ (erm… well, she’s got feelings, but the wrong sort!). She was the one who reprogrammed the cyborg. She intended that the cyborg would kill the guards and set her free, but the gay metallic geezer crashed the ship! She sets off the ships self distruct system and pushes Kai and Xev behind the security doors. Desh then puts on a space suit and runs off to steel a Moth. Unfortunately for her, the lovely Lyekka catches up with her, and eats her. (I wasn’t particularly upset about Desh’s passing. Sure, I was sad to see her go, but I wonder what she tasted like?).

Meanwhile, Stanley is still trying to outrun the ominous 791. He manages to get to the docking bay and strap himself into the operation console. Then, as 791 arrives, he opens the airlock and 791 is sucked out! Well, almost out. He hangs on literally by his finger nails while a confident Stanley nonchalantly picks up a sort of harpoon gun and fires it at the clinging cyborg. “Who’s laughing now robot!”

He fires. But, wouldn’t you credit it – Stanley misses his easy target. It’s not like he’s half a mile away or anything! The harpoon (complete with rope) lands within reach of 791 and the malicious cyborg grabs hold of the rope and pulls himself to safety, closing the airlock doors as he does.

Stanley is in for it now!!! 791 leans forward towards Stanley, grabs him, rips off his protective space suite and tells the hapless security guard class 4 that there is just time for a quickie. He spins Stanley round to face the wall and spreads his legs. Gripped with fear, he is about to realise his worst nightmare, a warm injection in the rear-end from the psychotic cyborg!

Surprisingly, at the moment of truth, 790 manages to gain brief control, “Stanley Tweedle,” it says, in tones of quiet resignation, “I have to say in all candour, that without the slightest micro-iota of inestimable doubt in the entirety of two universes…. This is the very definition of misery!” Naaa, I don’t believe it for one minute! I reckon 790 is just being coy.

Then, just as 791 regains control and prepares himself to erm… start, and as all us geezers turn our heads away in horror…. Kai shoots his handy wrist gadget and retrieves the head of 790 by ripping it off the body of 791. Lyekka and Xev look on with a certain air of sick surprise.

Kai disposes of 791 and turns to Stanley and 790. “I can see that you two need some time alone.” He says with an untypical air of dark humour (could it be that he was a little jealous?) Stanley simply asks that they are able to go. The LEXX crew return home and the self-destruct mechanism from the ship blows up the planet.

On the way back, 790 pleads with Xev to forgive his little transgression. “You must understand that my intentions were entirely honourable.”

“Forget it,” says Xev sympathetically (more like pathetically), “You may only be a head 790, but you are still the best head I ever had!”

And while most of us are trying to visualise exactly what she meant by that comment, the show ends.

I’d have to rate this episode a massive 37,219 out of 10.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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