Introduction by the LEXX
I AM THE LEXX. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON OF DESTRUCTION IN THE TWO UNIVERSES. I WAS GROWN ON THE CLUSTER BY HIS SHADOW. THE FOOD WAS GOOD THERE. MY CAPTAIN IS STANLEY TWEEDLE. I BLOW UP PLANETS FOR HIM.
STANLEY USED TO BE A SECURITY GUARD CLASS 4 ON THE CLUSTER BEFORE HE BECAME A FUGITIVE. HE IS MY CAPTAIN NOW BECAUSE HE GOT MY KEY FROM HERETICS WHO WANTED TO STEAL ME BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK ME AWAY.
STAN WAS HELPED BY ZEV, A B3K. SHE WAS MADE INTO A LOVE SLAVE AS PUNNISHMENT FOR FAILING TO PERFORM HER WIFELY DUTIES BUT THINGS WENT WRONG. NOW SHE IS PART CLUSTER LIZARD SO SOMETIMES SHE IS NOT A NICE LADY. A ROBOT HEAD CALLED 790- GOT PART OF THE LOVE SLAVE TRANSFORMATION THAT WAS MEANT FOR HER. HE IS IN MY CREW TOO. BECAUSE SHE IS A LOVE SLAVE, ZEV LIKES MEN, EXCEPT FOR STANLEY TWEEDLE.
THE ONLY OTHER MAN ON BOARD IS KAI, LAST OF THE BRUNNEN G. BUT HE IS DEAD SO HE CAN’T MAKE ZEV HAPPY. 2000 YEARS AGO KAI’S PLANET WAS DESTROYED BY HIS SHADOW AND ALL OF HIS PEOPLE WERE KILLED. THEY KEPT KAI’S BODY AND USED HIS AS AN ASSASSIN BUT HE GOT HIS MEMORY BACK FROM A DEVINE PREDESSESSOR AND THEN HE BECAME ONE OF MY CREW.
MY CREW ARE AFRAID OF HIS SHADOW. HIS SHADOW WANTS ME BACK AND HE WANTS HIS DEVINE PREDESSESSORS BACK TOO. BUT HE ESPECIALLY WANTS KAI DESTROYED BECAUSE HE IS AFFRAID OF THE PROPHESY. ZEV AND STAN AND KAI DON’T WANT THAT. THEY TOOK ME BEYOND HIS SHADOW’S REACH INTO A FRACTAL CORE INTO THE DARK ZONE, THE UNIVERSE OF EVIL AND CHAOS.
AND NOW WE ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.
KAI: “In the light zone I was darkness, perhaps in the Dark Zone I will be Light….”
Another opening, this tome by the Time Prophet.
“I am the Time Prophet. I have been gifted to more or less to see into the cycles of time. I know that in the Future Past, the Brunnen G civilisation led humanity to victory in the Great Insect War. I know that Centuries later the descendants of the Brunnen G were exterminated by His Divine Shadows Divine Order.
The last of his people to die has his life take by His Divine Shadow himself. Kai’s memory was stolen and his mindless corps was re-animated from time to time by proto-blood to become an assassin for His Divine Shadow and the line of Divine Shadows that followed.
But after two thousand years, Kai regained his memory, and along with Stanley Tweedle and Zev Bellringer a B3K, escaped into the Dark Zone. His Divine Shadow pursued them and Kai killed the body that contained his former master. His Divine Shadows evil essence returned to the Cluster, the Divine Orders seat of power and there, contained inside a still living brain, the essence awaited the time of the Divine Rebirth. A birth I fear, beyond the insect wars.
But before the rebirth, there first came the cleansing, the feeding of all human life from thousands of planets into the hungry depths of the Cluster. It was an unparalleled orgy of death. The old, the young, the weak, the strong, the willing and the unwilling.
All were stripped of their flesh, to feed the re-birth. Upon the death of the last human on the Cluster, the Cleansing was complete. The meat from countless millions of slaughtered souls (there were lots and lots of ‘gratuitous’ in these scenes by the way, almost made you feel sick) was fed into the greedy belly of the Cluster.
The time of the Giga Shadow was at hand. Clerics, loyal to His Divine Shadow, had long prayed for the re-birth. For them, there could be no higher calling that to be one of the eight chosen to oversee the ritual. And now, after thousands of years, eight were finally called forth. But fear of the Divine Order had chilled the blood of much of humankind and seeds of doubt had taken root in the most unlikely soil.”
Scene: The eight clerics sacrifice themselves in front of the edifice containing His Divine Shadow.
“For thousands of years each Divine Shadow cast his evil essence onto a human host that in turn, became the next His Divine Shadow. The re-birth marked the final passage of His Divine Shadows essence. His Divine Shadows brain was to ascend into an orifice that waited above its pillar. Its essence would pass to the Giga Shadow, and the re-birth would begin.”
Scene: Two of the clerics assembled try to stop the assention of His Divine Shadow. They succeed in halting the ceremony and His Divine Shadows Brain crashed to the ground.
“None of the eight, loyal or disloyal, survived.
But the re-birth was stopped….. for now.”
Whew! That opening sequence was an episode in itself!
Feppo and Smoor open the next scene. Smoor is massaging Feppo’s back while they both watch holograms of muscle bound blokes posing. They were Feppo’s previous homosexual conquests. When Smoor inquires after Feppo’s favourite, we see a hologram of our intrepid Stanley Tweedle handcuffed and being abused (not enough in my opinion) by Smoor.
Stan, 790 and the lovely Zev Bellringer are in the equivalent of the LEXX canteen. Zev is trying, in vain, to persuade Stanley to help her get some more proto-blood for Kai. It means going back to the Cluster.
Zev storms off to see Kai in his cryogenic chamber after a fruitless exchange. Kai’s chamber opens unexpectedly and Kai comes out singing (??!). Apparently the chamber is malfunctioning. Kai tells Zev that his proto-blood is almost run out. Kai carries on singing an old Brunnen G chant.
Stanley visits the Divine Predecessors and discusses a method of opening a more meaningful dialogue. Unfortunately the Divine Predecessors rather meanly bring up the episode when Feppo and Smoor tricked Stanley and captured him when they monitored, and then acted on, a distress signal from him. They ended up having their wicked way with him – a frightening and disgusting (and possibly comical) experience.
The Divine Predecessors then launch into a catchy song about the Stanley’s distressing episode with Feppo and Smoor:
Stanley Tweedle defiled by fate, a martyr to his generation.
Sweaty probes were forced into him, such pain such humiliation.
But now he’s captain of the LEXX on an intergalactic tour.
Still he dreams at night, of the time of his life,
in the play pen of Feppo and Smoor.
Stanley leaves embarrassed and dejected to the sound of laughter from the old brains.
Meanwhile Kai notices a fleshy mass in the corner of the cryogenic room and finds that it is a baby cluster lizard. He enters the shower room where Stanley is taking a shower and Zev unfortunately clothed this time, is still trying to persuade Stanley to go back to the Cluster for some Proto-blood.
Zev is unimpressed with the cluster lizard and when Kai asks her to name it she suggests ‘Squish’ (which is what it will be if it goes anywhere near her). They wonder off together to see if there is a way to find proto-blood. Stanley, on the other hand considers his options.
He again decides to visit the Divine Predecessors, this time armed with Squish. he persuades the brains to adapt their song to something more appropriate:
Stanley Tweedle is a god, a warrior and a gent.
We are not fit to suck his feet, or dine on his excrement.
At night we croon by the light of the moon, of his courage and his creed.
Hay ho there he goes oh woe for his foes, long live the Tweedle seed.
Stanley, Stanley, top of the hero class,
Stanley, Stanley, We live to kiss his ass.
“Gentlemen, I think we are now developing a dialogue.” says a rather bullish Stanley. The Divine Predecessors are absolutely bloody stupid, don’t you think? There’s not much they can do in a confrontation other than beg not to be destroyed. They can’t even run away never mind bite someone’s head off. Why is it then, that they continually try to wind up the plonker Tweedle?
Kai and Zev learn that the prophesy is not certain and that proto-blood can only be got from the Giga Shadow (but they don’t know what that is). Unfortunately they loose half of Kai’s remaining proto-blood when they attempt to search the past for information.
Zev enters the flight deck and grabs a large beetle and bites off it’s head (nice!). Stanley looks on in disgust. “How does it taste?” he asks. “It tastes meaty, but not as meaty as you will Stanley”. Zev continues trying to persuade Stanley that they must go back to the Cluster. He eventually relents after a cowardly dream. He commands LEXX to set a course for the Fractal Core and then tells it that he should now be called ‘Stanley the brave who risked his skin for his friends’.
The team re-enter the Light Zone through the Fractal Core relatively unscathed. All that is, except for Kai who suffers a momentary proto-blood failure.
Zev, Kai and 790 depart for the Cluster leaving Stanley to mind the ship. Stanley demonstrates that he has no motivation to go with them. Zev gives him a very sexy smile and showing him (and thankfully us) her shapely legs and rear end as she climbs into the moth transport. That would be motivation enough for me! They depart for the Cluster.
Stanley asks LEXX if, when it eats, it can separate the digestible bits from those that are indigestible. LEXX replies, “Yes, Stanley, the perfect, the mighty and terrible champion of the oppressed.”, “And unjustly maligned majestical being.” Adds a satisfied Stanley Tweedle.
Kai and Zev notice that the Cluster has been ‘cleansed and encounter no-one. Suddenly Kai collapses and he puts his head between Zev’s legs (as you do!). Zev tries to revive him (as if that wasn’t enough). Kai comes round (erm…) and meekly explains “proto-blood failure.” (A likely story).
They arrive on the planet surface and discover that it is deserted except for a few dead clerics (eight in fact).
On the LEXX, Stanley asks if he can transmit a signal on a selection of narrow frequency bands. LEXX replies, “Yes, Stanley the all powerful legendary space ‘stud’ man”. Stanley then transmits a message on the upper five frequency bands. The message is picked up by two flabby homosexuals (Feppo and Smoor). They listen to his rantings and, frankly, can’t believe their luck.
Zev and Kai discover the Divine Shadows brain amongst the dead clerics. They see that it is in two pieces. The brain tells them that it is the good side (the bad part lies close by). Kai kills the good part and leaves the bad part (assuming, I think, that it is already dead). They go to the mortuary to search for proto blood. Zev points out that the prophesy has been fulfilled, that a member of the Brunnen G killed His Divine Shadow.
As they leave, the bad part of His Divine Shadow’s brain shows that it is still alive and some proto-blood drips (from somewhere) onto one of the clerics who re-animates. Zev and the dead bloke find that there is no proto-blood in the mortuary and Zev relays a message to Stanley on-board the LEXX that they are going to be on the Cluster a little longer. The message is intercepted by Feppo, who manages to imitate Zev’s voice and send another message to Stanley telling him to expect a few refugees from the Cluster and to welcome them aboard. Stanley, checking the length of his nasal hair (yuk), replies confidently “anything you say.”
On the cluster, the re-animated cleric Yottskry picks up the bad part of His Divine Shadows brain and it merges with him. Yottskry tries to resist the Divine Shadow but it keeps getting the better of him. He tries to kill himself but finds that the proto-blood is keeping him alive. In one final attempt to end it all (and His Divine Shadow), he jumps off a precipice and falls a few hundred feet landing almost right beside Zev and Kai. Miraculously Yottskry rises and pleads with Kai to kill him (Bit of a challenge that don’t you think? I’d run a mile!). Suddenly his body is whisked away and he is decapitated and his head is assimilated into a large brain (presumably the brain of the Giga Shadow). Yottskry can still think his own thoughts but he is gradually loosing control as his head is assimilated.
Zev and Kai continue to look in vain for proto-blood. Kai suddenly drops dead or erm… dissanimates (?). Zev weeps and cries out load (silly cow, he was dead already, and I’m not just saying that out of jealousy!).
On the LEXX, Stanley intercepts a distress signal from a very attractive girl with sort of ‘come to bed’ eyes. She tells Stanley that she is loosing air and that she can’t hold on much longer.
Stanley asks the LEXX if it managed to get ‘a fix’ on the signal. LEXX replies, “Yes Stanley the stunner, makes love like no other.” Good Grief!
Stanley hurries to the girls rescue, the LEXX intercepts the ship and as Stanley boards her, he is only slightly distressed to see his old bum buddies, Feppo and Smoor. Smoor had used his computer to fake the transmission of the girl in distress.
Zev has rather intelligently worked out that the cleric could only have come back to life with the help of proto-blood and rushes back to get some. Hopefully she can still save the dead, dead bloke. She sucks some into a small tube and notices that Squish had hitched a ride on the moth transport. Unfortunately the opening to the room where Kai’s body is, is closing fast. She just has enough time to tell Squish to take the tube to its mother and throws the little lizard through the opening before it closes completely.
Before she leaves, Zev collects as much of the proto-blood as she can, fighting off some of the other clerics who have now also re-animated. The cluster is beginning to disintegrate and Zev and 790 in the moth escape just in time. She sends a message to Stanley asking him to bring the LEXX fast. Her reply comes from Feppo who informs her that Stanley is rather indisposed at the moment. We see him strung up by his hands and his feet and Smoor with a rather large gadget that looks like a hose. If we were really crude and disgusting, we might suppose that they were going to insert said hose into a rather unfortunate area of Stanley’s anatomy. Personally I think they are just going to wash him.
790 says to Zev “There is justice in this universe“. I’m with you mate!
Squish manages to find Kai and he re-animates with a healthy dose of proto-blood. Kai then attempts to find and destroy His Shadow. He is helped by Yottskry who wants Kai to destroy the Giga Shadow Brain. Kai and Squish manage to get close to the Brain but when Kai can go no further he instructs Squish to search for, and destroy the brain. Squish sets off obediently.
Meanwhile, the Giga Shadow is born of the Cluster into a huge planet sized insect. Zev and 790 look on impressed a they try to get back to the LEXX. Zev keeps and eye out for Kai. Stanley arrives with the LEXX just in time and collects a surprised and pleased Zev and 790. He commands LEXX to take one of its planet destroying shots at the Giga Shadow but such a massive bolt of energy doesn’t phase the Giga Shadow in the slightest.
Stanley, exasperated, asks LEXX to give it everything its got. LEXX replies, “I did, Stanley the fearless worrier god swooping down from on high to protect the weak and innocent.” LEXX then takes another shot, but again the Giga Shadow in not even ruffled.
Zev and 790 arrive on the LEXX, Kai has been thrown out of the Giga Shadow and is spotted by 790. They pick up Kai and try to escape the large angry insect. They attempt to get away by making for the Fractal Core. The Giga Shadow follows after them. They reach the Fractal Core and Stanley instructs the LEXX to go through. LEXX replies, “As you request, Stanley the fearless worrier god swooping down from on high to protect the weak and innocent, mastermind of the downfall of the shining star of the cosmos…”. Thankfully, Stanley Tweedle shouts “Stan, Stan, only Stan!”
Unfortunately, although the Giga Shadow cannot pass through the Fractal Core it is able to send a rather long tentacle after them. The tentacle reaches the LEXX and bites into it.
“OUCH!” exclaims the LEXX.
The interior of the LEXX is quickly engulfed by a black cloud, the Divine Predecessors are destroyed by the cloud and our heroes huddle in a corner of the LEXX waiting for the end. Just as the cloud approaches we see it turn into a sort of illuminated head its says:
“The victory of your ancestors was not complete. I am a survivor of the insect war, I passed some of my essence to humans, rightly believing that I would be more successful using humans to defeat themselves. Yours has been an enslaved species working tirelessly to achieve my re-birth. The Divine Insect Order begins. The insects will rule again. I bid you extinction!”
Meanwhile, the hero of the hour, Squish, has reached the Giga Shadows brain and, with a short pause to lick its metaphorical lips, dives in for the feast of its life. The Giga Shadow recoils uncontrollably into the Fractal Core as Squish eats itself into oblivion and the Giga Shadow is destroyed Yippee!
The unfortunate Feppo and Smoor have been banished to a place where the indigenous population look on them as “tasty treats”. We learn this when Stanley plays back a recording to Zev and Kai of his ingenious plan and its execution.
Stanley instructs LEXX to look for a home. “Certainly Stan, Stan and only Stan!” replies LEXX.
Then, the worst part of the whole show!. The next bit was absolutely despicable, and completely unwarranted. Us Sad Geezers both male and female should not have had to witness such an obvious error in the screenplay. Zev and Kai kiss, not just a peck either but a long kiss – I’m sure they used tongues and everything. What the hell is this show coming to ermm oh yeah, that’s the end isn’t it. Welp! The Sad Geezer blokes still want to fantasise about an unattached Zev and the Sad Geezer girls about an unattached Kai.
By the way, did you notice a slight tinge of black sweep over Kai’s eyes at the end of the kiss!? The insinuation here is that a bit (or a lot) of His Shadow is in Kai. Either that, or Zev is a really bad kisser. Splarka tells me that the US did not get to see the eyes bit. Apparently, Showtime, the channel that distributed the series, did not take up the option of further episodes, so to avoid a cliffhanger they whitened Kai’s eyes.
And so ended the final Dark Zone Story.
I’d rate this a conservative 43,719 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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